A Diary Of My Back Pain

Annnnnd now I can’t walk properly. What an exciting turn of events. My hips are so messed up, my back keeps getting sharp pains. I’m so tired of this.

Dang I haven’t made a post in a while, so I wasn’t really paying attention to the number of days since this all began. That kinda hit me hard. I’ve been struggling with the process of grieving lately. The last week has been brutal, emotionally, mentally, physically. My costochondritis is back, arm/ associated nerve pain is acting up and on top of that my back is being annoying as well. No emotional energy is left. I feel sad all the time. I mean I have good days, moments here and there, but it’s hard to see past that when I’m the middle of a rough patch. I started therapy, have been to two sessions, still not sure how it’s working out, I do know it’s expensive though. I just kinda want to yell and scream. I’m angry and frustrated and exhausted and sore and depressed and hopeless. It’s a tiring mix. Might look into kinesiology, just add that to the billion dollars I have to pay each month 😒 also I haven’t been able to go the gym so my eating is getting bad again. Whoops, maybe you won’t say I don’t seem that out of control dr.maltby. I’m so tempted to starve myself so I visibly look unwell, so she can see how messed up I am

Currently on opiates for pain with a pinched nerve. The weird side effect I forgot about was the vivid dreams. I was kind of at my church, but also on a trip to Vancouver and was with a boy I used to talk to on the internet. It then switched to me being with a boy I like now. It was New Years apparently and he kissed me. I was wrapped in his arms and we just went for it. It was sweet and gentle and I wish it was real. Makes me want to sleep for longer and go back to it. Really emphasizes how lonely I feel, crap.

Soooo I finally found a doctor that is taking me seriously. She is lovely and actually took time to ask questions and check me out. I had an hour appointment at the physiotherapists, Dr. Charlotte Mah. She did an exam and then also gave me IMS treatment. Basically like acupuncture but deeper and right in the middle of super tight muscles. It's a very strange sensation. The initial jab doesn't feel like anything really, can sort of feel it, it's when she moved it deeper into the muscle and the muscle grabs the needle. That part hurt like a butt. I got a needle on each hip and four in my lower back. Wasn't terrible. The residual pain kinda sucked, and it left me absolutely exhausted. I have felt deep aches. After one day, the best way I can describe it is having aches from being sick. Like having the flu and aches I'm also super tired. Work wasn't fun with the pain, but overall with how long I was doing things today, and not having spasms or too significant of an amount of pain, I think getting the needles was actually helpful. Might be too early to tell, but for the first time in a really long time I'm hopeful. I might be coming to the end of this long journey soon.

I feel trapped in my own body. I'm a prisoner to my pain and the walls are built high. I can't escape and there is no end to my stay in sight. I have been nauseous and in constant pain the last 2 days. I can't stomach much food and my sleep has deteriorated as has my mental stability. I am feeling this hardcore. I need help. I need a new back. I need to get off this damn ferry with all this vibration. Jesus please get me through this one.

So with the aftermath of super sore muscles after the spasms, and icing like a maniac, i had to work the next day. Retail is pretty on your feet and moving around non-stop. It all goes good till the end of the shift when I have to pay for all the exertion I put out. And I mean I'm a pretty go non-stop type of person anyways. I like to find work to do. My left leg was super sore, residual I guess... but the freaky thing was that my foot was tingling. I also had numbness on the right side of my back which was cool ya know. Not necessarily a buttload of pain, but I wasn't on any anti-inflammatories or painkillers, so that didn't help either.

The muscle spasms are back. I was feeling pretty good the whole day, nothing too crazy happened. Thought I was gonna be fine, apparently it was just the calm before the storm. My hip flexor were a little sore, the regular amount of back pain to go with as well. I was sitting on the stage after youth was done and I asked if the person sitting beside me was shaking. Turns out it was actually me. Yaaaay. I got some sick leg spasms and lower back spasms, which of course felt awesome. I got my sister to compress my hip flexor to tire out the muscles which helped a little. Afterwards I couldn't walk very easily, had to do a cute little hobble. I did end up being able to go out for food afterwards though. Kind of feels like I'm slipping backwards. Trying to keep my head up though 😊

Dang I wish I had actually kept up with this better. Not sure what day I’m at right now but it sucks. Yesterday was the sweetheart banquet and I was in charge of the kitchen. It went amazing, but I totally screwed my back up… I was barely walking by the time I got home. Didn’t move at all the next day, it was probably a 7/10 pain wise. Muscle weakness and sharp pains in my back and ribs= not such a fun time. Good part was I did get some tape and meds from Ryan. Would’ve died if I didn’t as there were no drugs at home.

It's been just over 14 weeks that I've dealt with my back pain. I crossed the 3 month mark a while ago, so I can classify it as chronic. Sometimes the hardest part isn't the physical pain. It's the emotional pain. I want to be able to do things like dance at my friends wedding and go for a run. To not have to worry about the things I can't do. To not have to worry that it may not get better. To not have to scrounge money for chiro appointments so I can work, so I can pay for them. To not remember a time where I didn't have to carry Icy Hot and painkillers with me everywhere. I wish I wasn't always covered in K-Tape. I want to be able to stretch and use my muscles and get fit. I just don't want to be sore anymore. It's tiring, physically and emotionally. Will I ever really be better?