My Reference Notes

A list of my reference notes.

Every woman has some Nice Girl in her, but some have more than others. For this reason, this book will be of particular interest to the following types of women:

1. The Doormat. This is the stereotypical passive female who allows others to walk all over her. She suffers from "terminal niceness" and never seems to learn her lesson no matter how many times she is taken advantage of, manipulated, betrayed, or abused. Women with Doormat syndrome are often the victims of unscrupulous salespeople and con artists. Many are also emotionally, verbally, or physically abused, and they tend to take the abuse for months and even years.

2. The Pretender. This type of woman has a powerful investment in appearing to be nice, cooperative, and charming (when in reality she may be angry and resentful). She pretends she agrees when she actually doesn't. And she often pretends to be interested in what others are saying or doing while in reality she is bored.

3. The Innocent. This type of Nice Girl is very naive and gullible. She is quick to believe what others tell her and is therefore easily manipulated or conned. An Innocent often continues to defend partners or children who are selfish, deceitful, or blatantly abusive, even when everyone around her tries to tell her she is being used or abused.

4. The Victim. This type of woman feels hopeless and helpless to change her circumstances in life. In her attempts to be nice she has repressed her power to such an extent that she has lost touch with it completely. Those who suffer from this type of Nice Girl syndrome have been known to stay with a physically abusive man even after being hospitalized several times.

5. The Martyr. This type of woman sacrifices herself for others-her parents, her partner, and/or her children. This includes sacrificing her time, her own financial security, even her health in order to help or rescue others. Often the martyr will devote her life to helping others, and then she will feel that these people owe her because of her sacrifices.

6. The Prude. The prude has a strong need to be perfect or moral. She adheres to rigid standards (for example, no sex before marriage, no alcohol) and is often active in a conservative religious church. She strongly disapproves of certain behaviors and is very judgmental of others who engage in activities she disapproves of. But she hides her disapproval behind a wall of niceness.

7. The Enlightened One. This type of woman believes strongly in tolerance, compassion, and forgiveness to such an extent that she represses her anger and doesn't allow herself to express such normal feelings as sadness, envy, anger, or resentment.

“I’m such a good person, but people keep screwing me over.” “I’m so good to everyone, but people always take advantage of me.” “I just want to get along with people, but it keeps backfiring.” “I’m doing my best, but people don’t respect me.”

There are 100s of variations of the above, but I’m sure you get the idea.

More importantly, does this sound/feel familiar?

If so, I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is that most likely, you’re “nice”, not good. There is a big difference between the two.

Nice people do nice things. It sounds noble, but it’s not. They do it because they don’t like tension. They do it because they want to be liked, appreciated, respected, approved of, and agreed with. Nice people care way too much about feelings and opinions of others. Not in an empathic way, but because if they disagree with, or god forbid challenge, someone, it might impact the rapport and connection with the other person.

Nothing wrong with being nice to others.

However, nice people are willing to bend over backwards, compromise their own values, not be true to themselves, just to be nice and liked. They keep doing it over and over again, sometimes for decades. But there is a big price to pay for this. One day they’ll realise they don’t even know who they are anymore because they became who others wanted them to be or what others agreed with.

And the sad part is, it doesn’t work anyway. Nobody really likes “nice people.” Most of us know a few, and there is something about them we cannot trust. They seem to lack character, and a bit of spine, right?

Nice people are like artificial sweetener. It’s sweet, but it has a weird aftertaste and we will always prefer the real thing. 

But nice people are not necessarily bad people. On the contrary, they are often too nice. They don’t show or have their boundaries clearly set. This is why others often take advantage of them and exploit them.

If you don’t set your boundaries, others will set them for you and it will be in a way that works for them, not for you.

The good news is that one can change.

How do I know? I used to be a nice guy. Ugh! But I changed. One of the best decisions in my life!

What’s the difference between being nice and being good?

Good people do the right thing, not what feels nice or is convenient.

Good people know what their truth is and they speak it.

Good people have their values clearly defined, and they align their actions with them.

Good people are not afraid to speak up and say it how it is.

Good people follow their heart.

Good people are authentic.

Good people act with integrity.

Good people are willing to rock the boat and make people feel uncomfortable (or even pissed off) if that’s what it takes to do the right thing.

Good people prefer to be respected than liked (which makes them likeable as well because you always know where you stand with them).

Good people are strong because their sense of self-worth, self-respect and confidence is coming from within and not from the validation of the people around.

Good people stand up for the right thing not because they get credit for it but because it’s the right thing to do. 

Good people are hard to offend because they know who they are and what others think of them doesn’t define them.

Good people don’t feel like they have to laugh at someone’s stupid jokes or offensive comments and can look in the mirror afterwards and smile.

Good people respect everyone but worship no one.

Good people follow their own path, not other people (blindly).

Being good feels great!

If you’re a nice person, stop it!

Yes being good will be uncomfortable at times and you will burn some bridges, but it requires NO ass kissing, spine bending, inner shame, and neediness for others approval.

What’s the origin of nice?

Nice, it turns out, began as a negative term derived from the Latin nescius, meaning “unaware, ignorant.” This sense of “ignorant” was carried over into English when the word was first borrowed (via French) in the early 1300s. And for almost a century, nice was used to characterize a “stupid, ignorant, or foolish” person.

Starting in the late 1300s, nice began to refer to “conduct, a person, or clothing that was considered excessively luxurious or lascivious.” However, by the 1400s a new, more neutral sense of nice was emerging. At this time, nice began to refer to “a person who was finely dressed, someone who was scrupulous, or something that was precise or fussy.”

By the late 1500s, nice was further softening, describing something as “refined, culture,” especially used of polite society.

The high value placed on being coy, delicate, and reserved was instrumental in the semantic amelioration of the term nice in the late 18th and early 19th centuries.

Jane Austen, for instance, mocked this now-positive term in Northanger Abbey (1817) when Henry Tilney teases the naive Catherine Morland for her overuse of nice. He jokes: “… and this is a very nice day, and we are taking a very nice walk, and you are two very nice young ladies. Oh, it is a very nice word, indeed!—it does for everything.”

What’s the origin of the phrase nice guy?

Over 200 years later, nice still “does (the job) for everything.” It’s a catch-all word for someone or something “pleasant” or “agreeable.”

But, in the popular dating culture, the nice guy has become anything but. In fact, it seems nice, harkening back to its root, is becoming a not-so-nice word again. As found on internet forums as early as the 1980s, romantically unsuccessful men have identified as the niceguy, always losing out to their nemesis: the bad boy.

This dating nice guy apparently draws on earlier constructions of nice guy. Predated by nice fellow in the 1800s, the phrase nice guy is found in the written record in the early 1900s.

The expression nice guys finish last—agreeable people who get overpowered by their more assertive counterparts—is credited to Brooklyn Dodgers manager Leo Durocher in 1946.Nice guy also makes an appearance in no more Mr. Nice Guy, said when someone is throwing down—and implying nice guys are soft and weak. Alice Cooper rocked the saying in his 1973 track “No More Mr. Nice Guy.” A reporter memorably asked it of Richard Nixon about the Vietnam War in 1977.

The language of a nice guy

You’ve likely heard—or maybe even used—the expression he’s a nice guy, but … People may use this phrase as a polite way to decline a potential male partner, whether because they aren’t interested in him or personally don’t find him attractive in some way.

In the 2000s on some feminist spaces on the internet, nice guy started to more specifically refer to an insecure man who expects his kindness to be rewarded with sex. At least that’s in part how the website Heartless Bitches International saw it in their noted 2002 denunciation against the nice guy. This piece helped influence Nice Guy™ and Nice Guy Syndrome, terms for men who think being nice alone entitles them sex.

In current usage, it’s not uncommon to see some so-called nice guys throwing around the term friend-zone. A person (usually a guy) can be put in the friend-zone or be friend-zoned when someone he is interested in dating views him as just a friend. While friend-zone can be used in a neutral way, it is often used in an entitled way to question why a person always chooses the “nice guy” last.

Does this mean no more Mr. Nice Guy?

Of course, the term nice guy can still be used non-ironically to refer to a genuinely nice dude, e.g., “Your dad is such a nice guy!” However, it’s important to keep tone in mind as you come across the term nice guy on the internet, especially if it appears in quotes.

Assertiveness is an act of kindness.

This is an idea I keep coming back to, again and again.  It’s something I say at least once a week during a therapy session, and almost every time I do a speaking engagement, regardless of the topic.

In this article that I wrote several years ago, I talk about the different styles of communication: aggression, passivity, and assertiveness.  To summarize, aggressive communication is when you devalue the needs of others in order to get your own needs met.  Passive communication is when you devalue your own needs in order to meet the needs of others.  Assertive communication is a healthy balance, in which you acknowledge that the needs of others are important, while also recognizing that you deserve to have your own needs met.  Here’s a fun Venn diagram that demonstrates this:

Assertiveness is All About How You Deal with Anger.

Anger, like all emotions, serves a function.  It says, “hey, my rights are being violated and I need to protect myself.”  Anger comes to the rescue when something squishier and more vulnerable is on the line.  Let’s use a metaphor to explore this:

If you imagine an archetypal princess being rescued from a dragon by an archetypal knight, the knight serves an important role.  If the knight doesn’t step up and put his sword through the dragon, the princess will get eaten alive.

Think of the princess (regardless of your gender) as everything inside you that’s vulnerable: fear, sadness, hurt, and shame, to name a few.  And think of the knight as everything that serves the function of protecting you from injury: anger and jealousy, among other things.  No one would argue that the knight is bad.  In fact, without him, the princess wouldn’t survive.  But sometimes he gets a little bit overenthusiastic and mansplainy and the princess doesn’t get to express herself.

The knight is important.  But the princess is important, too.

Anger is a secondary emotion.  This means that it’s an emotional response to another emotion.  Usually, if you peek underneath anger, you’ll find one of the quieter, more vulnerable feelings is at its core: sadness, hurt, fear, or shame.  (Sound familiar?)  When anger is expressed in a way that isn’t healthy, one of two things happens:

You yell. It alienates people. All you’re trying to do is get your needs met, but instead you burn bridges.  The person you’re seeking understanding from responds either with their own anger, causing them to engage in a contentious battle, or with a softer primary emotion (such as fear), leading them to withdraw from you entirely.

You shy away from having a difficulty conversation. Your anger gets quietly buried, and your needs never get met.

Why is Assertiveness an Act of Kindness?

It is much, much easier to be aggressive or passive than it is to be assertive.  If you look again at the Venn Diagram at the beginning of this article, you’ll notice that when you’re either aggressive or passive, all you need to consider is one side of the story:

“What are my needs?”

Or

“What are your needs?”

It takes thoughtfulness to be assertive.  It takes creative thinking, wordsmithing, emotional self-regulation, and several deep breaths.  And because of this, when you’re assertive, here’s what you’re saying:

I value you.  I value our relationship.

I value you so much that in addressing what just happened, even though I feel hurt, I want you to feel respected and safe.

I value our relationship so much that I want to make sure my needs are met so that underlying anger doesn’t fester into resentment.

I value you so much that even though this is a difficult conversation to have, I want to sit and talk with you until we’ve reached a resolution – or at very least an understanding – that we can both live with.

I value our relationship enough that it’s worth the time and energy to work through this thing.

I value our relationship enough that I don’t want to tell myself stories that will make me angrier and angrier.  I don’t want to grow this antipathy towards you as those stories snowball bigger and bigger in my head.  I want to clarify your intentions, and my own, and I want us to try to understand each other.

I know that if I just lean into anger, my secondary emotion, I’ll explode and yell and you’ll feel betrayed, violated, confused.  I’ll do serious, lasting damage to our relationship, and all the apologies in the world can’t undo what I’ve said in a moment of untempered rage.   So instead I want to talk to you about my primary emotion.

I know that if I ignore my anger because I’m only valuing your needs, I’ll be scared of my own capacity for exploding, so instead, I’ll simply stop returning your calls or asking you on social outings.  I’ll minimize contact, and in a few years, you’ll be nothing more than somebody that I used to know.

It’s a lot of work for me to be assertive, and that’s not always work I choose to do.  Sometimes I simply minimize the amount of involvement I have with a person who has offended me.  Sometimes I rip into someone.

You’re on an airplane, and the person next to you is taking up more than his fair share of space.  His legs are spread like he’s home on the couch drinking a beer, his elbows keep knocking into you, and as much as you try to make yourself smaller, you simply can’t avoid awkward and unpleasant contact with this stranger.  Do you:

Hug all your body parts tight and try to make the best of it – no sense in making waves.  After all, it’s only a 5 hour flight.

Turn to your seatmate and shout, “keep your damn limbs to yourself!  Inconsiderate jerks like you are what’s wrong with the world!”

Spread yourself out too and elbow him repeatedly in his arm – two can play at this game!

Say, “I’m sure you don’t mean to do this, but these seats are pretty small and I was wondering, could you please try to keep your elbows from bumping me?”

As you may have gathered, each of these is indicative of one of the four styles of communication.  In any given situation, there are multiple ways you can respond, and the one you choose is likely to affect the outcome of the interaction.

Passive Communication

When a person communicates passively, they avoid expressing their opinions or feelings, protecting their rights, and getting their needs met.  This usually stems from low self-esteem and reflects a core belief that the individual’s feelings are not worth taking care of.  The result of this is usually that they hold in their feelings, allowing them to accumulate, and then have explosive outbursts when the metaphorical straw breaks the metaphorical camel’s back.  After this happens, they feel ashamed, guilty, and confused.

Aggressive Communication

When a person communicates aggressively, they express their feelings and opinions and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of others.  Aggressive communicators are often (but not always) physically abusive.  Contrary to what one might think, these people also have low self-esteem and unhealed emotional wounds, and they feel powerless most of the time.

Passive-Aggressive Communication

Individuals who express their feelings passive-aggressively may be perceived as being passive, but they are actually quite aggressive.  These people usually feel powerless, and are incapable of dealing directly with whomever or whatever made them angry.  They smile when talking to you while setting subtle traps all around you, and guilt is a primary weapon.  (For some examples and a good laugh, check out passiveaggressivenotes.com.)

Assertive Communication

Individuals who communicate assertively advocate for their own needs while respecting the rights and needs of others.  It takes self-confidence to be assertive, as well as the belief that both one’s own rights and the rights of others are valuable.  This is, by far, the most effective and positive way to communicate, and it yields the best feelings after a conversation.

Putting This Into Practice

Many factors affect which communication style you choose.  A person’s choice may be affected by the specifics of a situation.  For example, someone may choose to be passive in an interaction with a stranger but assertive or aggressive with a known or safe person, such as a friend, relative, or partner.  A cost/benefit analysis may also come into play, such as an examination of the possible consequences of confronting a situation and an analysis of whether a conversation is worthwhile.

In any given situation, the kind of response you give is also very much tied to your perception of what’s important in the interaction.  You are likely to be passive if you perceive the other person’s needs as more important than your own and aggressive (or passive aggressive) if you perceive your needs to be significantly more important than those of the other person.  The “sweet spot,” so to speak, is assertiveness, where you balance your needs with those of the other person and find a way to express yourself so that your needs can be met while respecting and acknowledging the needs of the other person.

Or, put another way:

So let’s return to your uncomfortable airplane situation and look at it like a “choose your own adventure” story. Here’s your probable outcome:

Hug all your body parts tight and try to make the best of it – no sense it making waves.  After all, it’s only a 5 hour flight.

If you picked this (passive response), the person next to you has absolutely no awareness that his behavior is upsetting or annoying to you. For five hours, you’re stuck next to Mr. Long Limbs, and you have a sore body the next day from tensely curling yourself into a ball. It’s not the end of the world, but man, does your back hurt!

Turn to your seatmate and shout, “keep your damn limbs to yourself!  Inconsiderate jerks like you are what’s wrong with the world!”

If you picked this (aggressive response), the outcome ranges depending on the temperament of the person sitting next to you. At best, you feel awkward sitting next to someone you yelled at for the next five hours. At worst, the situation escalates into a full force shouting match… and then you have to feel awkward sitting next to someone you argued with for the next five hours.

Spread yourself out too and elbow him repeatedly in his arm – two can play at this game!

If you picked this (passive aggressive response), the person next to you thinks you’re a jerk. Remember that saying “two wrongs don’t make a right?” Your seatmate was completely unaware that he had been taking your personal space, and he still is – but boy does he feel like you’re taking up his space! However he responds, you’re now the one in the wrong.

Say, “I’m sure you don’t mean to do this, but these seats are pretty small and I was wondering, could you please try to keep your elbows from bumping me?”

If you picked this (assertive response), the person next to you apologizes, said he didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, and agrees that the seats are rather tight. You both joke about the sardine-like nature of commercial airline seating, and you sit amicably next to each other for the remainder of the flight.

We all know the story of Little Red Riding Hood.  She’s on her way to Granny’s house when she encounters a Big Bad Wolf who turns on the charm, waylays her, and coerces her into spending a bit more time gallivanting in the woods so that he can have a delicious meal of Granny with a Little Red encore.  At its core, this is a coming of age story – a tale of learning to be judicious in where one places one’s trust.

As retold in the musical Into the Woods, Little Red articulates the lessons she has learned:

And though scary is exciting, Nice is different than good!

This is an important message, but it flies in the face of a powerful societal message we receive: be nice to everyone.  This is a directive given to children by teachers and parents.  A failure to perform niceness is often pointed out by peers: “That’s not very nice!”

This is especially salient for those of us who grow up female, who are described in our baby announcements as “sugar and spice and everything nice” before we even have a chance to cultivate a personality.  But it’s not limited to women.  I once met a man who told me that his entire life philosophy boiled down to two words: “Be nice.”  And yes, that’s a lovely sentiment…

But there are three things wrong with nice.

First, nice is superficial.

It’s about creating a veneer of thoughtfulness.  More often than not, when someone appears “nice,” there’s something bubbling right under the surface.  This can be manipulation, as in the case of our Big Bad Wolf friend, but it doesn’t have to be.  What I’ve seen much more frequently than that is that it’s resentment that boils under the surface.

When your priority is taking care of other people and you’re not thinking about yourself, you run out of steam.  When you undervalue yourself in favor of the needs of others, you start to wonder: “I’m so damn nice… why don’t other people go out of their way for me like I go out of my way for them?”

Second, nice is about people pleasing.

When you prioritize people pleasing, you seek validation from other people.  At first glance, this doesn’t seem problematic, but when the only time you feel good is when you receive accolades from someone else, you’re giving away a lot of your power, and over time you lose a sense of self.

Some people say that a desire for positive feedback keeps them striving.  That’s great!  But the problem is that you can’t selectively value positive feedback.  When you decide that what’s important is how other people feel about you – not how you feel about yourself – then you’re open to being absolutely crushed by the negative judgment of another person.  And that’s not motivating; it’s demoralizing.

Third, when you’re nice, you never get your needs met.

That’s why the saying “nice guys finish last” is actually pretty true.  But that doesn’t mean be a MEAN guy.  It means be a guy (used here as a gender-neutral term) who engages in self-care, who puts on their own oxygen mask first, and who recognizes that if your own needs aren’t met, you can’t help anyone else.

In short, this all boils down to assertiveness.

If Nice isn’t the goal, what is?

In a word, kindness.  The difference between kindness and niceness is that kindness runs deeper.  It involves thinking of others without completely sacrificing yourself.

I’ve written about the importance of assertiveness twice before.  What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate, one of the first articles I wrote on this blog, details the differences between the communication styles and advocates that assertiveness is the Gold Standard.  More recently, I wrote Assertiveness is an Act of Kindness, which continues to explore the value of assertiveness from the uncommon perspective that sometimes kindness and brutal honesty (emphasis on honesty, not on brutal) are shockingly the same thing.  I suppose you could think of this as the third article in that series.

So in the spirit of continuing that exploration of assertiveness, let’s bring back my favorite Venn diagram:

What the above image shows is that if you value only the needs of others, you are communicating in a passive way, whereas if you value only your own needs, you are communicating in an aggressive way.  It’s at the intersection – that assertiveness middle – where you strive to meet the needs of both parties, and everyone feels understood, even if the encounter is uncomfortable.

Let’s shift the diagram, just a little bit:

The next time you think to yourself, “I’m going to be nice,” ask yourself whether you’re also being kind.  And the next time you think of another person as “nice,” ask yourself whether they’re being kind or superficial.

That question might have saved Little Red Riding Hood a lot of trauma!

A modern classic of Jungian psychology, The Hero Within has helped hundreds of thousands of people enrich their lives by revealing how to tap the power of the archetypes that exist within. Drawing from literature, anthropology, and psychology, author Carol S. Pearson clearly defines six heroic archetypes—the Innocent, the Orphan, the Wanderer, the Warrior, the Altruist, and the Magician—and shows how we can use these powerful guides to discover our own hidden gifts, solve difficult problems, and transform our lives with rich sources of inner strength.

the Innocent wants the world to stay as it is (Goal). He or she fears change (Fear), but in order to grow, the character must risk losing the safety of home and face the adventurous world (Task). [Sansa]

the Orphan character seeks safety, fearful of everything and everyone (Goal). The Orphan is especially afraid of being abandoned--by parents, siblings, friends, spouse, or others (Fear). In order to achieve hope, however, the Orphan must learn to face the world alone (Task). [Tyrion]

the Wanderer is a character who insists on living by his or her own rules (Goal). Wanderers especially fear conformity, being like everyone else (Fear). But, in order to achieve true identity, the Wanderer must integrate into society, giving up a certain amount of freedom for the common good (Task). [Dany]

the Warrior is a character who focuses on strength, fearing any appearance of weakness (Goal). This character must learn that victory does not result from strength (Fear) but from courage in the midst of weakness (Task). [Arya]

the Altruist/Martyr never thinks of himself or herself and avoids any question of self-desire or self-interest (Goal). However, to mature, the Martyr must give up self-sacrifice (Fear) in order to achieve true self-worth (Task). [Jon]

the Magician is a character who seeks wholeness and connectedness (Goal). The Magician fears appearing superficial, shallow, or inauthentic (Fear) but needs to learn that true joy and faith exists apart from what others might think and to trust in himself/herself (Task). [Bran]

Viewing the Conflict of Pearson's Archetypes as a Resolution of Opposites (Binary Oppositions)

Another way to view the Goal, Task, and Fear of Pearson's archetypes is to view them as the resolution of opposites. The Goal and Fear stand opposed to each other while the Task becomes the way in which these oppositions are resolved.

Innocent: The Innocent wants life to continue as he or she has (Goal) and fears change as the loss of what he or she has (Fear). But in order to grow and mature as an individual, the Innocent must fall from this position of simplicity and security and risk losing everything (Task).

Orphan: The Orphan desires safety above all else (Goal) and sees the loss of safety as an abandonment to the forces around him or her (Fear). However, in order to grow and mature, the Orphan must risk abandonment in order to realize hope and true relationship (Task).

Martyr: The Martyr wants to always do the right thing (Goal) and sees any choice that favors himself or herself as an act of selfishness (Fear). However, in order to grow and mature, the Martyr must be willing to accept and receive things for himself or herself and give up their insistent self-denial, which limits their relationship with others (Task).

Wanderer: The Wander insists on living according to his or her own rules or mores (Goal) out of fear of becoming like everyone else (Fear). However, the Wanderer's autonomy isolates him or her from society. In order to grow and mature, the Wanderer must discover his or her true identity within society (Task).

Warrior: The Warrior defines himself or herself in terms of strength, whether of mind, emotion, body, or will (Goal) and views weakness as self-destructive (Fear). However, in order to grow and mature, the Warrior must learn true courage, which is not based on superior strength but on doing what must be done even when one lacks the strength to do it (Task).

Magician: The Magician seeks harmony and unity with all things (Goal) and fears being shallow, lacking depth, or empathy (Fear). However, in order to grow and mature, the Magician must set aside the need for understanding in order to achieve a true oneness and balance in the acceptance of life as it is, in all its contradictions (Task)

In viewing Pearson's archetypes in this way, the conflict between the Goal and Fear and their ultimate resolution in the Task can be seen as the outworking of a conflict of opposites and can be applied to a deeper understanding of the characters within the story or as a mechanism driving the crises within the story that lead to its climax and resolution (plot).

Works Cited [x]

Pearson's early work that describes the 12 archetypal model that was the origin of the PMAI instrument - Pearson identifies the twelve archetypes as the Innocent (Idealist), Orphan (Realist), Warrior, Caregiver, Seeker, Lover, Destroyer (Revolutionary), Creator, Ruler, Magician, Sage, and Fool (Jester).

Awakening the Heroes Within builds on Jung's concept of individuation by clustering the archetypes developmentally in three groups: Ego, Soul, and Self.

The Ego cluster includes the Idealist, Realist,Caregiver, and Warrior types and are basic to human functioning. With the second half of life comes the initiation of the internal journey of the hero.

INNOCENT/IDEALIST [Denial of reality]

ORPHAN/REALIST [Irresponsibility]

WARRIOR [Compromised Principles]

CAREGIVER [Guilt Manipulation]

The Soul cluster is composed of the Seeker, Lover, Creator, and Revolutionary, contributing to identity development that deepens as people mature.

SEEKER [Commitment Avoidance]

LOVER [Seductive sirens]

CREATOR [Obsessive distraction]

DESTROYER/REVOLUTIONARY [Addictive compulsions]

The Self cluster, containing the Ruler, Magician, Sage, and Jester, are the archetypes of the Self, which Jung thought of as the balancing point of the entire psyche (conscious, personal unconscious, and collective unconscious). The Self represents wholeness, is linked to the numinous or divine, and is symbolized by the circle or mandala.

RULER [Tyrant]

MAGICIAN [Evil Sorcerer]

SAGE [Heartless judge]

JESTER/FOOL [Without dignity or self-control]

The model is described in stages, but in experience the journey is spiral, where one encounters the same archetypes at different levels of integration as personal development progresses. The archetypes are also called forth in handling particular life tasks and responding to new challenges. A given life situation may call forth a particular archetype regardless of what archetype is theoretically predominant in that period of a person's life. All twelve archetypes are potentially present in any moment, and what may be called forth depends upon both the situation and archetypes (gods) who oversee that particular life period.

Imagine each of these archetypes as a best descriptor for your protagonist. As Pearson explains, each archetype is tempted by virtues and vices (i.e. strengths and weaknesses) to motivate their actions. Her book, of course, goes into more detail.

INNOCENT/IDEALIST [SANSA]

Denying danger leads to abandonment, but Discerning danger leads to safety. or False Optimism (misplaced trust) leads to abandonment, but Fidelity (loyalty) to reality leads to safety

ORPHAN [THEON]

Ignoring reality and embracing victimization and pain leads to exploitation; but Facing reality and taking responsibility for pain leads to safety.

WARRIOR [ARYA]

Battling everything in our path leads to loss and weakness; but Having discipline to battle what matters leads to winning and strength.

CAREGIVER [BRIENNE]

Coarse selfishness leads to puts one's self in harms way, but Generous compassion leads to care for others in harms way. 

SEEKER [STANNIS, DAVOS?]

Reckless conformity to the status quo leads to a false self-respect and unhappiness, but Autonomous (independent) initiative leads to a deeper self actualization and a better life. 

LOVER [JON]

Fear of commitment leads to loss of love, but Pursuit of your passion leads to bliss. 

DESTROYER [TYRION]

Draconian arrogance leads to annihilation; but Humility leads to metamorphosis.

CREATOR [SAMWELL]

Stifling our natural creativity leads to inauthenticity, but Cultivating our natural creativity leads to vocation.

RULER [DAENERYS]

Autocratic recklessness leads to chaos and disorder, but Autocratic consideration leads to order and structure.

MAGICIAN [MELISANDRE]

Ignoring the cosmos* leads to evil sorcery, but Alignment with the cosmos* leads to righteous transformation. (* natural law)

SAGE [BRAN]

Material attachment leads to dark deception, but Transcendence leads to enlightened truth.

FOOL [JAMIE?]

Playing tricks on reality leads to walking deadness (non-aliveness), but Letting reality playing tricks on us leads enjoyment, joy and freedom. 

LINKS

The Moral Premise Blog: Story Structure Craft

Twelve Character Archetypes PDF

There are a number of common character archetypes. In this article, I will be discussing eight of the most important character archetypes. While you do not need to have each one of these character archetypes in your story, I would suggest you have the majority of them. Take the time necessary to find a place for each on in your writing. If you are having trouble developing a plot for your first book, you can check out the Magic Mirror novel writing prompts to create your own story. [x]

CHARACTER ARCHETYPES ACCORDING TO CAMPBELL

In The Hero of a Thousand Faces, Joseph Campbell explores the eight types of characters in the hero’s journey.  These character types include the hero, mentor, ally, herald, trickster, shapeshifter, guardian, and shadow.

HERO CHARACTER ARCHETYPES

The hero is almost always the protagonist, the central character in the story. The audience wants the hero to succeed. The hero usually grows throughout the story to meet the challenges in the story.

Examples: Luke Skywalker, Neo, Shrek, Mulan, Pinocchio, Batman, and Harry Potter.

MENTOR CHARACTER ARCHETYPES

The mentor is usually an old bearded man who assists the hero by offering advice, assistance, or with a gift. This character is older and wiser, but for some reason needs the hero to complete the adventure.

Examples: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Morpheus, Dumbledore, and Gandalf

ALLY CHARACTER ARCHETYPES

The ally is the character who assists the hero on the adventure. The adventure might be too difficult for one person to overcome and the ally helps the hero succeed by providing something the hero lacks, such as knowledge, a distraction, or just an extra pair of hands.

Examples: Chewbacca, Hermione, Watson (Sherlock), and Robin (Batman)

HERALD CHARACTER ARCHETYPES

The Herald is the character, or something else such as an item or event, that signifies that something is about to change for the hero. This archetype appears at the beginning of the adventure, often delivering a message.

Examples: R2D2 (with message from Princess Leia, messenger owl (from Hogwarts with a letter), and the letter to the ball in Cinderella

TRICKSTER CHARACTER ARCHETYPES

The trickster is the character that adds humor to the story. This character might also challenge the status quo or make the character reconsider their preconceptions or thoughts.

Examples: Donkey (Shrek), Dobby (Harry Potter), and Mushu (Mulan)

SHAPESHIFTER CHARACTER ARCHETYPES

The shapeshifter is the character that changes. This might not be a physical change, but instead is one between ally and enemy. For example, the character might start off seemingly helping the character only to betray the hero. The shapeshifter might be thought an enemy at first only to be revealed to be an ally.

Examples: Han Solo, Severus Snape, and Catwoman (Batman)

GUARDIAN (THRESHOLD GUARDIAN) CHARACTER ARCHETYPES

The Guardian is often the character who stops the progress of the hero on his or her adventure. The guardian might not be an actual character, but might be an obstacle instead. The guardian might not be an enemy, but is there to warn the hero that he or she should not go ahead because it is dangerous. The hero usually has to either trick, defeat, or find some other way around the guardian to continue on the adventure.

Examples: Wall guard (Stardust), hall monitors, and Whomping Willow (Harry Potter)

SHADOW CHARACTER ARCHETYPES

The shadow is usually the villain in the story, although this might not necessarily be true. For example, if something exists to cause conflict or create a threat the hero has to overcome, it would be considered the shadow.

Examples: Darth Vader, Voldemort, Sauron, and Dottie (the asteroid from Armageddon)

FIND A PLACE FOR THESE CHARACTER ARCHETYPES IN YOUR WRITING

Foreshadowing: This is when an author gives hints or clues about what will happen later in the story. It creates suspense, intrigue, and anticipation for readers. Foreshadowing can also provide insight into character motivations or themes.

Flashback: A scene that interrupts the chronological order of the story to show events that occurred in the past. It can help readers understand character motivations and add depth to the story.

Symbolism: This is when an object, person, or situation represents a deeper meaning, themes, or abstract idea. It can be used to create metaphors and create connections throughout a story.

Irony: This is when there is a contrast between what is expected to happen and what actually happens. Irony can create humor, highlight themes, or reveal character flaws.

Allusion: This is when an author references another work of literature, art, or historical event in their story. It can add depth and meaning to a story and create connections between different works.

Metaphor: This is when an author compares two things that are not literally the same in order to create a deeper meaning or understanding of the subject.

Imagery: This is when an author uses vivid descriptions to create sensory experiences, or mental images for readers. It can help readers visualize the story and immerse themselves in the world of the narrative.

Point of view: The perspective from which a story is told, such as first-person (I), second-person (you), or third-person (he, she, they). Each perspective offers a different way of experiencing the story and can affect the reader’s understanding of events and characters.

Plot twists: Unexpected events or revelations that change the direction of the story. Plot twists can create suspense and surprise, and often lead to a climax or resolution.

Similes: Comparisons between two unlike things to create meaning.

Dialogue: Conversations between characters that reveal their personalities, relationships, and motivations.

Night and day have different symbolism depending on the culture and belief system, but here are some common associations:

Night: The night is often associated with darkness, mystery, and the unknown. It can represent the subconscious mind, where hidden desires, fears, and fantasies reside. In some cultures, the night is also linked to death and the afterlife, as well as to the cycle of the seasons and the natural world.

Day: The day is often associated with light, clarity, and activity. It can represent the conscious mind and the external world, where we interact with others and make decisions. In some cultures, the day is also linked to the idea of progress and achievement.

The symbolism of night and day can represent the duality of existence and the balance between opposites.  Day and night are opposite but complementary parts of the natural cycle, representing the balance between light and dark, action and rest, and consciousness and the unconscious.

Night represents the hidden and mysterious aspects of life, while day represents the visible and conscious aspects. 

Night can symbolize the inner world of thoughts and emotions, while day can symbolize the outer world of action and interaction.

Night and day are also seen as symbolic of the passage of time and the cyclical nature of life, where each day represents a new opportunity for growth, learning, and transformation.

In Wicca, the elements are an essential part of the spiritual and magical practices. They represent the fundamental forces of nature and symbolize different aspects of life and the universe. The four primary elements in Wicca are:

Earth: Represented by the element of earth, this element symbolizes stability, grounding, and the physical realm. It is associated with the body, fertility, abundance, and the cycles of life and nature.

Air: The element of air embodies intellect, communication, and the power of the mind. It represents thoughts, ideas, and the realm of mental activities. Air is connected to knowledge, creativity, and the ability to communicate effectively.

Fire: Symbolizing transformation and passion, the element of fire is associated with energy, willpower, and desire. Fire represents the spark of life, inspiration, and the force of change. It is also linked to purification and cleansing.

Water: The element of water represents emotions, intuition, and the subconscious mind. Water is associated with healing, purification, and spiritual transformation. It symbolizes the ebb and flow of life and the power of emotions.

Additionally, some Wiccan traditions also incorporate a fifth element:

Spirit: The element of spirit represents the divine essence, higher consciousness, and the connection to the divine or universal energy. It is the element that unites and balances the other four elements, acting as a bridge between the material and spiritual realms.

The symbolism of balance and harmony with the five elements is a concept found in various ancient and spiritual traditions, including Wicca, Taoism, and Chinese philosophy. Each element represents specific qualities and energies, and achieving balance among them is believed to bring harmony and equilibrium to both the physical and spiritual realms.

Here are the five elements and their symbolic associations:

Earth: Representing stability, grounding, and physical manifestation, the element of earth symbolizes the material world and the solid foundation upon which life is built. It is associated with qualities such as stability, fertility, abundance, and practicality.

Air: Linked to intellect, communication, and the realm of thoughts, the element of air represents the power of the mind and the realm of ideas. It symbolizes mental clarity, communication, inspiration, and the ability to adapt and change.

Fire: Symbolizing transformation, passion, and action, the element of fire embodies energy, willpower, and the force of change. It represents creativity, motivation, purification, and the spark of life.

Water: Connected to emotions, intuition, and the subconscious mind, the element of water represents the flow of life and the ever-changing nature of existence. It symbolizes healing, cleansing, renewal, and the power of emotions.

Spirit (or Ether): The fifth element, often referred to as spirit or ether, represents the divine essence and the connection to the spiritual realm. It symbolizes unity, the interconnection of all things, and the higher consciousness that transcends the physical elements.

In traditions like Wicca and Taoism, practitioners work with these elemental energies to achieve balance and harmony in their lives and spiritual practices. Balancing the elements is seen as a way to harmonize with the natural world and to foster a deeper connection with the cycles and rhythms of the universe.

In Chinese philosophy, the concept of balancing the five elements is known as the Five Elements Theory or Wu Xing. It is an ancient system that describes the dynamic interplay and relationships between wood, fire, earth, metal, and water. The goal is to maintain a harmonious equilibrium among these elements to achieve well-being and balance in all aspects of life.

In some spiritual and cultural beliefs, the symbol of balance and harmony associated with the five directions refers to the concept of harmonizing the five cardinal directions—north, south, east, west, and center. Each direction is often associated with specific qualities, elements, or energies, and achieving balance among them is believed to bring harmony and completeness to one's life and surroundings.

Here's a brief overview of how the five directions are often associated with balance and harmony:

North: Associated with stability and grounding, the north is often connected to the element of earth. It represents a solid foundation, a sense of security, and the energy of physical manifestation.

South: Symbolizing warmth and passion, the south is often linked to the element of fire. It represents inspiration, creativity, and the energy of transformation and action.

East: Connected to new beginnings and growth, the east is often associated with the element of air. It represents the energy of intellect, communication, and the potential for new ideas and opportunities.

West: Signifying emotions and intuition, the west is often linked to the element of water. It represents the energy of healing, purification, and the flow of emotions.

Center: The center, often represented as the point within a circle, is associated with the element of spirit. It symbolizes balance, unity, and the connection to the divine or higher consciousness.

Shadows have been associated with various symbolic meanings in different cultures and contexts. Here are some examples of the symbolism of shadows:

The Unconscious Mind: 

Shadows can be a symbol of the unconscious, representing the unknown and mysterious aspects of the psyche that are not fully understood or acknowledged. This can be linked to the idea of the shadow self, a concept in psychology that refers to the darker aspects of one's personality that are often repressed or denied.

Reflection and Projection: 

Shadows can also be seen as a reflection or projection of something else, whether that is a physical object or an aspect of our own psyche. In this sense, shadows can be symbolic of reflection, projection, and self-awareness.

Shadows can be seen as reflections of the soul, representing the hidden or unconscious aspects of our personality that are not fully expressed in our conscious behavior. This symbolism is often associated with the idea of the duality of human nature, where the shadow represents the darker or more primitive aspects of the self.

Shadows can also be seen as reflections or projections of ourselves, representing aspects of our personalities or experiences that we may not fully understand or acknowledge. Shadows can be seen as a reflection of the self or of the world around us. They may symbolize the way that we project ourselves onto others, or the way that we see ourselves reflected in the world.

Hidden Truths and Secrets:

Shadows can represent hidden truths and secrets that are lurking beneath the surface. Shadows can also be seen as symbols of hidden or secret knowledge, as they can reveal aspects of objects or people that are not immediately visible. In some cultures, shadows are associated with mystical or supernatural powers.

Shadows can be used metaphorically to represent hidden truths or secrets that are concealed from view. This can be linked to the idea of shadows as dark corners or hidden spaces that are not fully illuminated. Shadows can represent the hidden or unconscious aspects of ourselves or others. They may symbolize the parts of ourselves that we are not aware of or are trying to hide from others.

Mystery and Ambiguity: 

Shadows are often associated with mystery and ambiguity, as they can obscure or conceal the details of an object or space. This can be linked to the idea of the unknown or the uncertain, and can be both frightening and intriguing.

Shadows can represent doubt, uncertainty, and ambiguity, as they can obscure or distort the objects they fall upon. In literature and art, shadows are often used to create a sense of mystery or foreboding.

Shadows can also represent the unknown or mysterious aspects of life. This can be connected to the fear of the unknown, as well as the idea of exploring the mysteries of life.

Death and the Afterlife: 

In some cultures, shadows are associated with death and the afterlife. This can be linked to the idea of shadows as the spirits or souls of the dead, or as a representation of the unknown and mysterious aspects of the afterlife - the passage from the physical world to the realm of the spirits. In these traditions, shadows may be seen as portals or gateways to the other side.

In some cultures, shadows are associated with death and transition. This can be linked to the idea of the shadow self, or the part of ourselves that we are afraid to confront.

Dualism and Contrast:

Shadows can represent dualism and contrast, highlighting the interplay between light and dark, good and evil, or other opposing forces. This can be seen as a representation of the duality of human nature or the complexity of the world around us.

Shadows can also be seen as a symbol of contrast and balance. Without shadows, there would be no light, and without darkness, there would be no day. Shadows can represent the balance between opposites, as well as the way that opposites complement and balance each other.

Darkness and Fear:

Shadows are often associated with darkness and fear, as they can obscure and distort familiar shapes and create a sense of uncertainty or danger.

SHADOWS IN MYTHS, FOLKLORE, AND LEGENDS

Shadows have played a role in many myths and legends throughout history. Here are some examples:

Shadow Creatures:

In various mythologies, there are creatures that are made of shadow or darkness. For example, in Japanese mythology, the "Kage Onna" is a shadowy figure that haunts forests and is said to bring misfortune to those who see her.

The Shadow in Fairy Tales:

In many fairy tales, the shadow represents the darker, more dangerous aspects of human nature. For example, in the fairy tale "Peter Pan," Peter's shadow is a separate entity that he must capture and reattach to his body.

The Shadow as a Guide:

In some traditions, such as certain Native American cultures, the shadow is seen as a guide or protector. It is thought to be a spiritual representation of the self, and may be called upon for guidance and support.

The Shadow Self in Jungian Psychology:

Carl Jung, a Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, introduced the concept of the shadow self. In Jungian psychology is a powerful symbolic idea that has influenced many writers and artists. The shadow self represents the dark or hidden aspects of the psyche that are often suppressed or denied.

This idea has been explored in many myths and legends, such as the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, in which the main character has a split personality, with one part representing his shadow self. Jung believed that acknowledging and integrating the shadow was necessary for personal growth and self-realization.

Plato's Allegory of the Cave: 

In Plato's famous philosophical work, "The Republic," he presents an allegory of prisoners are chained up in a cave and can only see shadows on the wall. The shadows represent the limited understanding, or a distorted version of reality that people have, and the allegory is meant to illustrate the idea that our perception of reality can be limited by our experiences and the idea that true knowledge comes from exploring the world beyond our perceptions.

Shadow Souls in Greek Mythology: 

In Greek mythology, it was believed that every person had a shadow soul or "eidolon" that mirrored their physical body. The shadow soul was thought to be able to separate from the body and wander freely.

The Shadow Realm in Japanese Mythology: 

In Japanese mythology, the shadow realm or "yin world" is a dark, mirror world that is inhabited by ghosts and spirits. It is believed to be connected to the physical world by hidden paths and secret gates.

In Japanese folklore, the shadow people are supernatural beings that are said to live in the shadows of trees or buildings. They are often depicted as mischievous or malevolent, and may cause harm to humans.

Shadow Puppets in Indonesian Mythology: 

In Indonesia, the traditional art of wayang kulit involves shadow puppets that are used to tell stories from mythology and folklore. The puppets are made of leather and are illuminated from behind, casting their shadows on a screen for the audience to see.

The Shadow Realm in Egyptian Mythology: 

In Egyptian mythology, the shadow realm was a place where the dead could dwell. The shadow was believed to be a part of the soul that could detach from the body after death, and the shadow realm was where these detached shadows could reside.

The Shadow Thief in Native American Mythology: 

In some Native American myths, the shadow thief is a trickster figure who steals people's shadows. This can be seen as a metaphor for the loss of one's identity or sense of self, and the need to reclaim it.

Shadow Monsters in Native American Mythology:

Still water can have a variety of symbolic meanings, often depending on the cultural and personal context. Here are some common symbolic meanings associated with still water:

Calmness and Serenity: 

Still water can be seen as a symbol of calmness and serenity. It can represent a state of tranquility and peacefulness, and may be associated with a peaceful state of mind, meditation, or spiritual practices. The calmness of the water can be seen as a metaphor for inner peace and a sense of calmness within oneself.

Reflection and Self-Discovery: 

Still water can also be seen as a symbol of reflection and self-discovery. When the water is still, it becomes like a mirror, reflecting the surrounding environment with great clarity. It can represent the way that we reflect on our thoughts and emotions, as well as the way that we see ourselves reflected in the world. This can be seen as a metaphor for introspection and self-reflection.

Clarity and Purity: 

Still water can represent clarity and purity, as it is free from disturbance and pollution. This can be seen as a symbol of spiritual purity, or the need to purify oneself of negative influences. It may symbolize the way that we strive for clarity of thought or purity of intention.

Stagnation and Inactivity:

Still water can also have negative connotations, representing stagnation, inactivity, or lack of movement. It can be associated with feelings of boredom, complacency, or being stuck in a rut.

When water is still for too long, it can become stagnant, unhealthy, and lose its vitality. This can be seen as a metaphor for being stuck in a situation or a warning to avoid not moving forward in one’s life.

Potential and Possibility:

Still water can also be seen as a symbol of potential. It may represent the potential for growth, change, or transformation, as well as the possibility of new beginnings. When water is still, it has the potential to become anything, and can be shaped by the forces around it. This can be seen as a symbol of the potential for growth and change in one's life.

Depth and Mystery: 

Still water can also represent depth and mystery. The stillness of the water can make it difficult to see what is beneath the surface, which can be seen as a metaphor for the hidden depths of the human psyche.

Balance and Harmony: 

Still water can also represent balance and harmony. When water is still, it is in a state of balance, with no turbulence or agitation. This can be seen as a metaphor for finding balance in life and achieving a sense of harmony within oneself.