Atlas' Choices Art

Of course Astoria had shown up right before Cas could punch that asshole in the face. Her nails dug into his skin as she dragged him away from everyone.

He smirked at Adalhard in the crowd before noticing she wasn’t alone. Next to her was some guy. 

Who’s that? Once he’d noticed him, she protectively stepped in front of him, as if she was scared he’d eat him or something. Where did this fucker come from? He’d never seen him before.

Skinny and tall, Golden Girl only reached his shoulders. Messy blue hair, piercings, ripped jeans and a leather jacket. He liked his style and it pissed him off. 

He wasn’t even that cute. Maybe even a bit ugly, as far as Cas was concerned. Cheeks covered in acne and purple bags under his eyes. He was pale, like he’d spent his whole life living inside a basement or whatever.

And just like the rest, he was staring at him. Judgementally looking him up and down like he was some kind of freak, which pissed him off even more. Adalhard was probably itching to fill the new guy in on how he’s the fucking worst. Not that he cared, he just thought it was funny when she talked shit about him.

“The fuck are you looking at?” he snapped at him as they passed him. 

He didn’t answer, but frowned, not breaking eye contact with him. Despite that, he could hear his heart hammering in his chest. 

After they passed the corner, he heard him ask, “who was that?” 

How to participate:

Reblog this post stating your interest AND include your top 3 books/characters/pairings to help guide your match on what they should create for you. (If you don't want to list 3, you can list what you're comfortable it) Reblogs that do not include a top 3 will not be considered entries for participation.

or, message me here @choicesfandomappreciation or at @lovealexhunt stating your interest and include your top picks

Note: When listing your interests, please include any preferred gender/race characteristics you may have for customizable character. If you have FCs you are welcome to list them as well.

If you want to participate but would rather not create for a particular user, feel free to message me privately and if you get that person, I'll re-spin the Wheel of Names. (no judgement)

Deadline to participate: July 29

What comes next:

On, or about, July 30, I will message you with your match and what they listed as their top 3 interests. [I use Wheel of Names to match users]

You create something for them based on their interests and post it for them between August 15-17.

You do NOT have to create for all 3 pairings, one is enough. The 3 is to give you a choice for what you're comfortable with!

It would also be really nice if you could include a brief positive message of encouragement and/or support with your creation for your match

Please tag this blog and #ChoicesASPE26 as well so I can keep track of who posted and who is missing.

2017 July 9 - Sunday

So yesterday was a bit of a rollercoaster. The day started great because I thought ‘hmm maybe I should see if my suit still fits’ (and then it didn’t). I’ve just been so focussed on other stuff, why would I care about my prom suit, right?

I still freaked the hell out. It just felt SO much like a big fat ‘FUCK YOU’ from the universe! These feel like my last days really getting to just be a teen before everything changes and yeah. Like I just didn’t want to really think about it yesterday but of course that wasn’t in the cards. I already can’t imagine a life without the baby River in it, but it still sometimes feels like I shouldn’t be dealing with any of this right now. And yesterday could’ve just been a carefree night celebrating finishing high school. Well it mostly still was, but at that moment it didn’t feel like it.

If I could just leave town to go to the mall in Redport or whatever I wouldn’t have cared so much. But well, I can’t! It’s not even just the baby, it’s being unable to leave, it’s the vampirism, EVERYTHING! 

I texted Cas and Gabriela that I was gonna sit prom out after all and five minutes later Gabriela was already at the door, followed by Cas tapping on my window a few minutes after her to check on me and to calm me down. Gabriela got angry with Cas cause he said he’d happily stay home with me. It annoyed me too, like obviously I wanted to go. 

Gabriela left after a bit to see if she could borrow clothes from Harrisson and Aiden and Cas started going through my closet like ‘ok you have plenty of stuff to work with, I don’t know what you’re being so dramatic for.’ Which honestly kinda made things worse because yeah I KNOW I’m being dramatic but I can’t help crying about it!! I know he doesn’t mean it like that but he’s so ughhh insensitive sometimes. He’s like ‘oh I’m just joking’ I KNOW but it’s not funny!! I guess it doesn’t help that he only tagged along to prom because I went (I think he had fun last night too, though).

Gabriela returned with a bunch of clothes and in the end Cas did help me put something together. Not something I’d usually have wanted to wear to prom, plus Aiden’s trousers fit around my waist but he’s a lot shorter than me so that looked a bit silly too. But I guess we made it look more intentional or whatever? I dunno, it looked fine in the end, just less fancy. I just wanted to look fancyyyy UGH whatever I had fun and that’s what matters!!!! 

They both left to get ready and when they returned to pick me up, they both offered their talismans to me again.. Gabbie said if we were gonna raise River with the three of us, we might as well make it official. Cas didn’t seem super happy about that, but he didn’t verbally protest either. He added that it would also just be good for me to have something to summon him with if anything’s wrong the coming months. Well, I hope I won’t be needing it for that. 

They obviously had planned this together and I dunno, that really meant a lot to me. Of course I accepted both of their talismans and, well, that made the whole day alright. My boyfriend and girlfriend! My BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND!!!! Holy shit!!! It feels SO good to finally be able to call them that.

These talismans are so cool, I can feel their heartbeats through the gems, I really love being able to check on them whenever I want. And tomorrow I’m meeting up with Elder Dolores (Clement Elder who makes those talismans for everyone at the Nexus) to create talismans of my own so they can have my talismans too!! AAAH I’m so excited!! Maybe mine can be like a skull or something. Or a wolf! Maybe a wolf skull..

Despite how the day started, I had a lot of fun last night. Gabriela and Cas both looked amazing, of course. I don’t get to see Cas suited up often so that made it extra special haha, I had to help with his tie because he never wears one. Ohh my god he’s so beautiful!!! And Gabriela too, swoooon.. Unsurprisingly, she got crowned prom queen (I voted for her too) together with Kai Muller (Müller??) as prom king. I dunno, she didn’t turn it into a big deal, I’m just always proud of her like yes that’s my GIRLFRIEND!!!

Cas was glued to me all night, like a lost puppy (cute), since almost no Venandi’s went to prom. We stayed with mine and Gabbie’s friend group for a while and Libby even got Cas to dance with her haha, sort of (CUTE!!). Gabriela mingled more, of course. This is probably one of the last times she’ll see some of the people that don’t live in town. But towards the end of the night she joined us again and it was mostly just the three of us.

We went to the Nexus together afterwards and stayed at Gabbie’s room. I actually wanted to fuck for the first time since march. Well, we tried, it was too damn awkward with both of them there at the same time! I don’t know why I even tried initiating it, I was just in a good mood I guess. I also didn’t really know what to do just in the middle like that, you know? Who do I focus on? Will the other person feel ignored? Maybe one day haha. It did turn into a make-out sesh instead so I still got a good ending to our night. And we all slept in Gabbie’s bed together. Very cramped but I kinda love it. Maybe also having them lay so close together.. Just the two of them being able to be there with me (without it feeling like they’re playing tug-of-war with me) means so much to me. Lately they’re getting along so well, it has me feeling really optimistic about the future our future.

This morning I also made the CUTEST discovery: Gabriela’s already started knitting little hats and socks for River! I feel like seeing her like this just makes me fall even more in love with her. Cas left pretty abruptly while I was gushing over it.. I know all this is hard for him and I can’t help but still feel a bit guilty in moments like that. Man, I really hope he’ll come around during the coming months.. for everyone’s sake.

The rest of the day I just hung around at home. I feel like Bram can also tell that something’s up, he’s been extra snuggly lately, which is super cute and makes me feel like he’ll react well to the baby once they’re here. Man it’s so crazy to think that in a few months we’ll have a baby. 

2017 July 10 - Monday

Elder Dolores is really nice! This was the first time we really spoke but she’s very sweet. Some elders have this sort of really horrible, intimidating aura, but being around her is very soothing instead. She congratulated me on the pregnancy, that’s a first I think?

We just talked for a few hours, she started with some questions but it pretty soon eased into just a normal convo. She said she likes getting to know people well before getting started with sketching up designs, because she wants the talismans to reflect the person they belong to. There’s something about her that makes you just share things with her as if you’ve known her for ages. And you just kinda forget that oversharing is a thing. I’m a bit disappointed I won’t really get to come up with something myself, but at the same time I’m very curious about what she’ll come up with instead.. I do think Cas and Gabbie’s talismans fit them really well, like it’s easy to guess which one belongs to who.

Cas and Gabbie don’t know about it at all, because I wanna surprise them. Cas immediately noticed that I was hiding something when he picked me up for my feeding tonight. I told him not to worry because it was a FUN secret. 

The idea of him having sat down with Dolores to design his talisman for me is sooo cute to me.. Gabriela too, but these romantic gestures are just more expected of her, you know? I wonder when they decided to get theirs made..

My feeding went well, I haven’t really noticed any changes to my stamina and speed (yet?) or anything like that. I did get real horny once I’d caught him though, there’s just something about chasing them down and having them all vulnerable in my grasp once I catch them. All flushed from running from me. Him and Gabbie just look extra pretty like that, I guess. We made out for a while and took it to the Nexus after. I had fun, it’s really been a while, I’m glad the way I look now wasn’t like a turn-off for him. But also who doesn’t like boobs I guess..

I really really badly had to fight the urge to bite him and drink from him. I’ll forever miss being able to do that. Last time we fucked I also felt the urge, I guess because I’m still so used to it? But this time it was way waaay stronger.. Like the smell of his blood was SO overwhelming but at the same time just that was already a huge turn-on like ‘wow I could literally eat you right now’. I ended up biting down on his thigh after giving him head and just spat out the blood. He got kinda startled and told me to be careful. I think it’s cute when he worries about me like that.

I asked him if he also gets those urges to bite other vampires sometimes. He told me that vampire blood smells amazing to him too, but very differently from human blood. Like how flowers smell nice, but not in a way that makes you wanna eat them. Like to him just the smell of vampire blood already lets him know he shouldn’t drink it. And human blood smells good the way food does. I don’t think that’s ever been the case for me, they’re very distinct but both make me want to drink. Vampire blood just makes me feel ravenous now sometimes, maybe even MORE than human blood? I really had to fight the urge to swallow it too, maybe I would’ve if it wasn’t for River.

When we were cuddling afterwards, I felt River move more strongly for the first time! An actual KICK! I got super excited and told him about it, but he didn’t really react much. Just ‘oh’. 

But! He also didn’t take his hand away when I put it on my belly (but he also said he felt nothing when I asked). I still really hope maybe soon something will fall into place and he’ll genuinely be excited too. Unless he tells me to stop I’m just gonna keep including him like this anyway. 

I just went home because I’ll go to work earlier than usual and I know he wouldn’t like being woken up by my alarm haha. 

July 13 2017 - Thursday

My shift ended a bit earlier than Gabbie’s today, so I picked her up after work and we hung out at my place.

She brought up the baby shower again.. She’s already done so a few times in passing, but now she brought up wanting to actually start planning. Ugh I don’t know man, I think I just don’t want to? I don’t really see the point of it. Even if I liked the concept, who would I invite? I’m not gonna bug my friends with baby stuff and everyone I consider family is in Illinois. 

But Gabbie seemed so disappointed, like I guess she really wants to throw a shower. I dunno, the idea just makes me cringe, like those dumb games and being the center of attention, I really don’t care for it. I don’t need to be patted on the head for getting knocked up. And okay, sure, I guess it would be nice to get some gifts for the baby, but again, who’s gonna get us those gifts? 

She asked me to just think about it, that we can just do it in a way that’s appealing to me. I guess I will, I mean it is our baby and I want HER to enjoy this whole period too.. But I dunno, it all just makes me feel really uncomfortable. I think being pregnant is cool, but I don’t really vibe with that whole culture surrounding it I guess. And yeah okay, like she said, it doesn’t have to be like that. We could throw a car-themed baby shower for all I care, but the idea still doesn’t excite me.

Weather was way too nice to stay inside so we went to the park and had a picnic, we took Bram with us too. I talked about how I miss everyone more lately and Gabbie could relate. She said it especially hurts not having her mom to ask for advice, though she also mentioned that her parents would definitely have lost their mind at our whole situation. It’s so weird to think about because my mom's so different. I mean, her parents don’t sound shitty when she talks about them, I guess I’m just scared of super religious people.

After we finished our food we played with Bram for another hour, we had a lot of fun! He was so tired by the time we got home haha. Speaking of getting tired, I’m starting to improve a bit more on that front. I hope by the time autumn comes around I’ll be able to do solo drives outside town again, when it gets dark earlier. Or maybe even this summer already! 

I also told Gabbie about last night and we tried to see if she could feel River kick, but of course they were being shy. And of course five minutes after she left I could feel them wriggling around again.

Tomorrow we’re GRADUATING! I can’t believe it’s really over now. We’ll throw a little celebration at my place afterwards. Seth’s coming along with my mom, but that’s about it, so it’ll be very low-key. Still, I’m really excited. Also for Gabbie because it’s a huge deal for her since she got turned before she could graduate high school, so it’s her first time too!

We had another ‘what comes after high school’-talk again. Gabbie’s been talking about looking into getting into a trade or something, she definitely doesn’t wanna do four years of college away from Crimson Beech anymore. I feel a little guilty to mess with her plans like that, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t relieved she really does feel that committed to us. I mean not that I’m surprised, but still. I guess I can just consider myself very lucky, considering everything. 

I also still want to become a car mechanic eventually, but the coming years I’m definitely just gonna be working at the coffee shop. Gabriela wants to move in with us soon. And the coming years we’ll keep living with mom, but I definitely would like to move out when we’re able to. Gabriela mentioned that a lot of houses in town are owned by the covens or something, I dunno how it all worked, but all I’m hearing is that we won’t have to worry much about finding a place in town or high rent at least. Gabbie also mentioned she saved up a lot of money the past decades by doing odd jobs at the Nexus, though she’d like to not touch it too much because it’s more for unexpected big expenses. Still very reassuring to have something like that at all, yay for having a 50 year old teenage girlfriend! 

Mannn, so much stuff to think about. I need to have this conversation with Cas soon too.. I feel bad even just hinting that he should look into getting a job too. But even besides the baby, I think it would be good for him. 

From next week on I’m also gonna be working more, I’ll only be free on wednesdays and I’ll work every other weekend. I’ll always be done at 2 pm though so I always have lots of my day left. 

July 14 2017 - Friday

And now I’m really, truly done with high school! It felt so good being handed that diploma.

Uncle Thomas, auntie Jess, Naomi, uncle Philip, Wesley, Pixie and aunt Debby (Barbara sadly couldn’t come along) all flew down to New England just to be here today! Mom had kept it a surprise and I only found out during the ceremony, when I spotted them in the crowd. I can’t believe so many people came to be here for me today! A few tears were shed. 

I spotted some vampires from the covens in the audience too, mostly ‘parents’ of other teen vampires, Cas’ and Gabbie’s were there too. Afterwards we celebrated at my place, Philip and Debby helped mom in the kitchen so naturally I ate very good today. It was nice to catch up with everyone in person again and also to have everyone meet Cas and Gabriela. It’s cute how shy Cas seems whenever he meets people who are important to me. Gabriela was just really excited to properly meet some of the most important people in my life and of course had an easy time talking to everyone. Cas also relaxed a bit more after a while.

It’s a bit weird but also kinda nice that none of them are aware of the whole vampire thing. Still, if I could tell them, I definitely would. I worry a lot about slipping up, can you imagine? 

River’s due date is very convenient because now I have an excuse for why we won’t be able to come to friendsgiving or the holidays in December. Everyone was already talking about the coming years though and ugh. It sucks so much, I want River to meet everyone too! And Gabriela and Cas. I’d love to show them the place I grew up in and I’ll never be able to. I’m sure mom can take her instead but still, you know? 

Everyone brought presents and they all included a little something for River too! It made me really happy. Gabriela was right about how a lot of people would probably gift werewolf-themed stuff for them. I mean, I like it, it’s cute, it’s just that I’m avoiding it because I don’t wanna like, force it I guess? 

I talked a lot with Naomi and Jess about the baby and all that. They really like the name River, Naomi thinks it’s cute that it sounds similar to my name. Ripley and River. I never even thought of it that way. Jess mega overshared about when she gave birth to Pixie while she was cringing next to her. And now I feel a little more thankful for the vampirism because I guess even if this kid rips me in half on the way out, at least I’m still gonna be up and walking within a few hours. Maybe it won’t even hurt much, my pain tolerance has been crazy strong ever since turning.

Everyone is leaving again tomorrow night, so tomorrow everyone will come over again for party nr. 2 I guess. Uncle Thomas already said he’ll be back next autumn though, of course he’s really into all the vampire shit, he thinks he might get inspired for his next book. Cas accidentally called him Count Dracula to his face and he loved it, of course. Cas looked mortified though, that’s what you get for giving everyone stupid nicknames.

Cas and Gabbie are staying over tonight, I already know Cas is gonna regret it when he gets woken up by our alarms haha. Pixie’s picking me up after work tomorrow so we can just hang out in town together, I hope she’s gotten better with directions.

July 15 2017 - Saturday

Had a good day! It was really nice catching up with Pixie, just the two of us.

We’ve kept up through the years, but it’s so different actually properly seeing someone in person, this is the first time we’ve hung out like this in YEARS. And of course she graduated right when me and mom had to move so we missed each other when she moved back. Ever since she started her transition she seems so much happier, like the difference is just crazy. She told me the only person who’s had an issue with anything is Jess and literally just about her name. Because Jess doesn’t want people to think she's the type of person who’d call her daughter Pixie. I kinda get her. 

She said it’s weird that I’m having a baby because she’s 24 and still feels too young and unprepared for a kid. And then kinda panicked like ‘not that I’m judging you!’ It’s hard to talk about because like yeah, agree. Well you’ll never guess what had to happen for me to change my mind! UGH

It was really nice catching up though, she told me a lot about her time in college and her girlfriend and her job. I'm glad she’s doing well.

It was great spending a lot of time with family again this weekend. It made me so happy, it felt a bit like old times again, though a lot of people were still missing. Tonight everyone left again though, I wish I could’ve come along to the airport ugh. Cas and Gabriela stayed over afterwards and I cried a lot, I still hate how easily that happens nowadays. I feel like I didn’t even realise just how much I really missed everyone.

Tomorrow morning I’m meeting up with Dolores to look at her sketches and I’m super excited about that though! 

July 16 2017 - Sunday

Dolores showed the design and honestly, it’s perfect.. They’ll be the shape of crescent moons, with three spikes on the rounded side. I know I was bummed about not getting to make my own design, but it feels like she just completely nailed it. Like I think it’s exactly what I would’ve wanted anyway. I’m SO excited!!

I gave her some drops of blood too, for the gem. I won’t get to pick my own gem either, but she promised I’ll love it. At this point I completely trust her.

Gabriela came over tonight to keep me company and help clear the guest room. We disassembled the bed together and she’s a lot better at that kinda stuff than I am, so it went faster than I expected. I thought it would also be a good idea getting some stuff up to the attic already with our vampire strength and all, but she’s already incredibly fussy over me not carrying anything heavy and wants to do it with Cas instead. What the hell is ‘heavy’ supposed to mean when you have super strength? 

We also went through some of my boxes with old baby clothes already. She was all confused like ‘why so much halloween stuff?’ Still she thought a lot of it was cute, though she really wants to shop for stuff herself too.

With the guest room almost cleared out, we can get started on River’s room soon and it makes me feel all giddy. Gabriela’s already making tons of Pinterest boards and I really like them all. She's really good at interior design, especially more cutesy stuff, so she really is the perfect person for the job. We’re both very on the same page when it comes to the nursery. I mean obviously WE wouldn’t build a boring, beige nursery, it’ll be colourful! I’d really really like to involve Cas in it too, we were thinking maybe he could paint a mural or something.

Afterwards we went to my room and Gabriela suggested finishing what I started last week after prom. Mom was working on her dolls in her own room, we could hear that she had her music on really loud but I still thought we had to be quiet because I’d be mortified if she heard us going at it. Gabbie said then it was practice for when we’re parents. 

Her comment made me realise that we should probably enjoy being able to do this while we still can. Sometimes it really does feel really overwhelming how soon things are completely gonna change, there’s only 19 weeks left! 

At the end of each month I'll make a post where people can submit works for the event

Everyone can submit one fic and/or one misc. work (think of art, collages, playlists, edits, answers to ask games, info posts, literally anything). My reasoning for this is that for the last event most people submitted fics and I'd like to encourage other stuff too + I think this is also nice for people who don't have much time to read.

I'll make a masterlist each month and tag all the participants in it. I'm thinking of either organizing them by word count or by username, because I'd like to encourage people to also interact with people/books they usually don't.

Everyone who signs up has to reblog at least 40% of the entries. So for example if 10 people join and 15 works are submitted, everyone has to reblog at least 6 posts. I feel like this way people might feel less overwhelmed by the amount and might get burned out less quickly. I'm not sure if 40% is a good number though, so definitely let me know if you think it should be less or more.

I will be more strict about people not following through, if someone hasn't participated by week 2 I will send a dm to check in with them. If anything comes up that makes it so you can't really participate anymore and you haven't participated yet, you can also just let me know and I'll take you off the list.

If I had to check in with someone and they said they were still planning to participate, yet haven't done so by the end of the month, they won't be eligible for the next events. If someone wants to be able to join again, they'll have to participate one month by interacting with works but not submitting their own works. Does this make sense?

I also really like the idea of being able to submit other people's works, I'm unsure how I want to implement this though + how I'd do it (because I don't want the list to get too long). I'll make a poll but you can also just let me know what you think otherwise.

I'm also aware that due to the 40% rule, there might be people who are overlooked. I'm unsure if I should try and do something to still encourage people to interact with this persons work + how to do this.

2016 October 14 - friday

Today was a LOT but in a good way. Gabriela told me everything she didn’t tell me the past weeks. And from now on there are no more secrets between us.

Cas came to pick me up from work this morning and it felt a bit bad to tell him I was gonna meet up with Gabriela instead. He seemed so excited to do whatever he had planned too..  At least he knows that I like Gabriela already, I was really dreading telling HER about me and him.

This was the first time I was at Gabriela’s place. Her room looks exactly the way you’d expect it to look, lots of flowers and pastels. It even smelt nice. Lacy white curtains, lots of little trinkets. And of course with a very big, neat organized desk. She has a lot of stuffed toys laying around and overall it just looks very cozy. Very cute. She’s good at interior design!

She looked terrible, I felt so bad for leaving her hanging for days, even though she hurt me so bad too. I still care about her, I can’t imagine not caring about her. 

I told her again just how betrayed and confused I felt (but more calmly and nicely this time). Gabriela admitted that what Cas said (about her enjoying pretending to be human) was true. That it’s still hard for her to accept that she’s a vampire and can’t live a human life, even after all these years. That being with me ended up making that feeling stronger, especially because I’d already talk about the future sometimes. Things like kids and travel, things she can’t have anymore.

And honestly.. I get her. I love fantasizing about the future, it’s really exciting to me. So many options, I don’t even know what I want to do with my life yet, aside from wanting to be a parent one day for sure. The idea of that being taken away from me is horrible, that’s my biggest reason why I know I wouldn’t like being a vampire. At this age there’s so much exciting stuff waiting for you as you grow up.

It also made me realise that me and Gabriela can’t have a future together. She can’t have that life with me, she’ll forever be 18 while I keep aging. But it doesn’t make me want to end things or lose interest. But I mean, it just sucks, you know? Knowing she wants that future but can’t have it. I’d rather not dwell on that for now. 

Her being a vampire in itself isn’t a problem at all to me though. Like she acts like I must see her as some kinda monster but I’m just like. No??? Of course not, I can’t even imagine thinking of her like that!! Not even when she went feral, that’s why I didn’t ditch her at the gym! She almost killed me, but right before that she saved me too, even in that state. 

Speaking of, Gabriela told me this was the first time she ever went feral. I asked what it was like and she said she just completely blacked out, like something else took over. Everything that happened between me getting cut and her snapping out of it, is completely blank for her. I wish I could forget about all of that too. I think I’m coping surprisingly well though.

I also brought up again how she starved herself and how I could NOT wrap my mind around that, knowing what could happen. She told me that ever since she was turned, she’s experimented with tapering her feedings a bit, seeing if she could drink less blood and less often. Vampires in town feed twice a month, but she usually only feeds once a month, sometimes a bit longer but she’ll feed when she feels like she has to. Or normally she did. When we met she already hadn’t drank blood for a few weeks and by the time she went feral it had been about 7 weeks, much longer than usual. Much longer than any vampire should go without blood, I imagine. 

I made her promise to me that she wouldn’t starve herself anymore AT ALL. She’ll feed twice a month just like everyone else. Seriously, if I find out she doesn’t.. It’ll really be over. This CAN’T ever happen again.

She said in a way it felt like, after being a vampire for so long without ever having gone feral, it felt like she couldn’t even go feral, she never expected this to happen. She hadn’t ever seen anyone else in that state either. She said looking back she doesn’t understand how she could do something so stupid. That she worried I’d smell or taste it on her. That she felt like if she was pretending to be human in the first place, she should act like it too.

Despite feeling so angry a few days ago, I could only feel bad for her, even more once I learned how she was turned.

Gabriela was turned in 1985, mid December, a bit more than a month after she turned 18. She’s 48 years old. She was in her senior year. She lived with her parents and grandmother and had four younger sisters. Her name is actually Gabriela Adalhard. Descendant of captain Adalhard. Yeah, THAT guy. The most notable vampire hunter in Crimson Beech history. Or even New England history. 

What she told me about her grandmother had been true. But of course the couple she lives with now, aren’t actually her aunt and uncle. The night her grandmother got captured and brought to the Nexus, a group of vampires broke into their home and killed everyone who lived there, except for her youngest sister, Luisa. Gabriela had just been hanging out with her boyfriend and got captured in the garden when she got home that night. When she got to the Nexus, her grandmother was still alive, but badly wounded because Astoria had been torturing her. Gabriela begged her to act her anger out on her instead and to let her grandmother go. 

That’s when Lewyn brought up the idea of turning Gabriela to Astoria in exchange for sparing them, to which Gabriela agreed, obviously. Lewyn treated her grandmother’s wounds but she still died a few days later, after which Gabriela got turned. I didn’t ask further about it, I could tell it was really hard for her to talk about at all. Man, she’s gone through so much.. It hurt to see her in so much pain.

She did mention that two of the vampires she killed last Monday, had also been involved in killing her family. That once she started showing herself outside her room at the Nexus more, they’d sometimes mock her when running into her. Man, what the hell is wrong with some of these vampires?! After learning about that I feel even less bad about their deaths, it only bothers me because it was gruesome and because of Gabriela’s role in it. I really couldn’t get myself to give a fuck about the lives lost. Honestly, even Cas didn’t seem to give a fuck about them when we talked about what happened. And even when I unmasked them, he just seemed frustrated that they were Venandi’s who caused this mess.

Gabriela told me she doesn’t have a prey drive like Cas. Not drinking blood affects her (obviously), though she didn’t elaborate on how, just that she has an easier time controlling herself I guess? So due to that she got to join the Clements.

The past 30 years, before returning to town, she’s been cooped up at the Nexus. She spent a lot of that time sleeping and reading. The town thought her family had been killed in a violent robbery and her little sister, together with her aunt, uncle and cousins, moved away from Crimson Beech. She has no idea what they are up to nowadays or where they even moved to.

Some of our classmates are the children of people Gabriela was friends with back when she was human. She still sees her old friends sometimes, but due to some spell put on her (she doesn’t really know the full details, I’m still wrapping my mind around magic being real??) they don’t recognize her. Man, that’s so fucked up..

After we’d discussed all of that, I decided to tell her about me and Cas, that I think I have feelings for him. That I don’t even know why and how it happened. That I STILL like her, nothing about that has changed, it’s true. But that I felt like I did need to make her aware. I felt like I was gonna throw up for a second, honestly.. like man, imagine throwing what we have away for Cas?? I think if she’d put an end to it I automatically would lose any sort of interest in him because I’d be too upset about what he indirectly caused.. 

But yeah, she didn’t put an end to it. Obviously she wasn’t happy about it but she didn’t get mad or anything either. She said it wasn’t up to her to tell me what I can and can’t do. But she definitely seemed hurt and that made me feel really guilty. Really, if I had a choice this wouldn’t be happening, maybe nothing WILL happen? But I'd rather let her know just in case, I guess? I joked about how embarrassing this was and we could both laugh about it. I dunno, I think know I did the right thing.

Once we’d talked about everything we had to talk about, Gabriela offered to take me to the cemetery again. She showed me her family’s graves. And her own grave too. Now I get why she was in such a hurry to leave last time.. We sat down on a bench and she shared stories about her family. She said it felt good to be able to talk about it, because she hadn’t been able to talk about the full story with anyone in a while. Since it’s hard to talk about family members you’ve known personally, who’ve been dead for 30 years when you’re supposed to be only 18 years old. And it’s uncomfortable to talk about with the few vampire friends she has too.

Afterwards she walked me home and we hugged before departing. A week ago we would’ve kissed. Things definitely are a bit awkward between us right now and might stay like that for a while and that makes me sad, but I guess it makes sense.

I told mom we made up today and she was like ‘oh nice’ but I can tell she’s still pretty pissed about last Monday.. 

I’m free for the weekend and tomorrow she’ll pick me up at 1 PM, though she didn’t tell me what she had planned.. I already texted Cas to let him know I won’t be home so they can’t run into each other or anything.

I’m glad we’re talking again, I missed her.

2016 October 15 - saturday

Well, what I wrote yesterday about ‘things probably staying awkward between us for a while’ can be dismissed because today we fucked for the first time. Fucked feels kinda too vulgar, it was actually very sweet and ROMANTIC!! It was super spontaneous, I hadn’t expected it to happen this soon but I feel good great about it!

Gabriela took me into the forest today where we met up with her vampire friends! Made me very happy because it feels like she’s truly letting me in now! I’d seen her with them a few times at school but that’s about it, they never sat with us or anything. They’re all Clements of course: Shiloh, Nicole and Harrison (Harrison is the guy who almost hit me with a ball on my first day and Jill’s twin brother, (which means Jill is a vampire too??? I only just made the link as I wrote it down, holy shit, that’s TWO vampire co-workers already)). I hadn’t really talked to any of them before. Me and Nicole are in art class together and me and Harrison in history class, but that’s about it. They were all really nice to me! 

They said Gabriela never takes her human friends to Clement hangouts. I asked if they’d hide their powers or if they do tell people sometimes and just keep it secret. They said that vampires do tell sometimes, but with coven permission and it’s this whole thing where, if they react badly, they might get executed for it. I asked if they didn’t feel weird about that, but Gabriela motioned at me to shut up, so I left it at that. Shiloh said that the covens really can’t and won’t risk a situation like with the hunters again. I was like ‘oh but I mean, you guys are so nice, I’m sure people would understand that you mean no harm?’ I’m pretty sure all of them have human friends too, after all. But Shiloh said when vampires like the Venandi’s exist, the humans will likely always lump all vampires in with that kind to play it safe. I guess it makes sense, initially I also felt like ALL vampires meant bad news.. Though that was partly due to how Lewyn treated me, otherwise I might’ve thought of the Clements as the Good Vampires or whatever. Harrison said that this way they probably spare more lives on both sides, these executions very rarely happen. Nicole said it was probably always a very hard decision for Lewyn when a human had to be executed. Oh yeah I’m sure. Gabriela looked at me again like ‘please keep your mouth shut’. 

Usually they do something more adventurous together, but because of me we just took a walk through the forest. I asked if they didn’t mind me holding them back but they said it was fine. They’re all way older than me and Gabriela. Nicole and Harrison have been together for 70 years, which is crazy to hear from two people who look and act like teenagers. Though once you know, you start noticing they’re different, though I might just be imagining it, I have no idea. Shiloh is even older than that, he has been around since the time before the Vampires found out about the ley lines and when the vampires were still being hunted. Okay it does sound pretty horrifying when described by someone who was literally there. There are more leylines all over the world, but usually there’s only one coven per leyline. They credit Lewyn for handling the hunter problem and seem to really look up to him.. 

After a while we departed and while we were walking back to town, Gabriela told me how despite everything, they all took her under their wing after she’d been turned. That despite the way she talked to them like they were monsters, in her grief and anger, they still wanted to try and bring her some comfort. And eventually they all did become friends and they’d made the past decades in the Nexus way more bearable for her. I’m really happy she has them, I can’t imagine how hard especially her first years as a vampire must’ve been.. 

I was kinda taken aback by how positively they thought about Lewyn, they didn’t seem like the types who’d think it’s okay how he treats me. Gabriela reminded me that they don’t know the full story. That it’s not like Lewyn goes mask off in front of a coven that’s supposed to trust and respect him. That even she previously felt more positively about him and that she’s been seeing him in a different light ever since I came into the picture. She never really imagined Lewyn turned her to hurt her and he’s always treated her kindly throughout the past decades.

After that we dropped the serious talk and just talked about like, school and work stuff as we made our way to my place.

This is where the afternoon turned into some kinda hallmark movie: It started raining and quickly got way worse. Like I didn’t know it could pour like that, holy shit! We ran to my house, both laughing, Gabriela took my hand and pulled me along while she boosted us a little with her speed. I THINK she did at least. It somehow feels really nice to have her use her powers around me. Like yes, don’t be ashamed please, you’re amazing. 

We were just gonna dry off in my room but the mood shifted when we got undressed and we started making out. I think it just kinda exploded out like ‘man I’m so glad I have you back!!!’ (Which is so dramatic, I guess, cuz it’s only been a few days..). We got more handsy and I checked in for a sec like ‘Ok can I take this further? Do you want me to?’ and she said yes, obviously! I (I guess) kinda unsexily interrupted the moment to go wash my hands first, I guess it wouldn’t even matter on a vampire but the idea of fingering someone with unwashed hands after being out all day is just gross to me. And it also gave me a chance to tell her first like ‘ok this is just a thing for me but I’m keeping my boxers on and please don’t touch my junk at all until I give the ok someday.’ Not that I expected any differently, but she was understanding of that. I’m still on my period anyway but it’s good to get it out of the way for the future. I’m not sure if that’ll be needed though, I really feel so at ease with her, but I’d rather wait until I feel like I actually want it, rather than just allow it, you know?

Oh I’m so so so crazy about her. She’s just perfect. I still can’t believe I’d ever get a girl like her. I can’t believe she felt like I might not like her anymore if I knew she's a vampire. It almost felt like a way to make it up to her, I feel so guilty about Cas. Maybe if it was someone else I wouldn’t, but like out of all possible people it’s gotta be HIM.. 

I wanted to make her feel like I obviously still like her so much. That I think she’s like the hottest girl in town. That NOTHING has changed! So she wouldn’t be able to doubt any of that. Of course it wasn’t perfect, I’m still so careful with her, constantly asking if this or that is okay, getting to know her and what she likes. But that’s so exciting! We made out a lot and it felt so intimate and romantic. Different than it’s ever felt before! I think because of the timing after we both worried about what would happen after Monday, it was extremely cathartic.

By the time my mom got home we were already done and just cuddling in my bed. Mom made it kinda awkward when we got downstairs, like such a big difference from usual when she’s all cheerful and asking if she’ll stay for dinner and all that. I already mentally prepared Gabriela for that at least. Mom’s still mad over her acting like she’d drop me off at home on time and then not following through. She says she thinks Gabriela is ‘fake’. 

2016 October 11 - tuesday

Last night was hell. Like worse than that night it all started. Someone had left the mask one of the Venandi’s that attacked me had worn in my bed. Well surely that’s a message. There’s definitely more vampires that want me gone. I’m so shaken up, man! Like this is the second time someone breaks into my room, I don’t feel safe in my own fucking house.. 

Of course I couldn’t sleep at all after that. I ended up asking mom if I could sleep in her bed (and also apologized for blowing up on her) but still. It did feel better to at least be with her.

I got up at 5, probably slept two hours or something. Marian took me apart when I showed up at work. She said she sees no point in pretending like we didn’t see each other last night. And that she’s glad to see me in one piece. She thinks I’m just shaken up from the trial (I don’t think I should talk about the mask to anyone but Cas and Gab). 

Cas had remembered my schedule this week and showed up 15 minutes before my shift was over. Weirdly sweet.. Marian didn’t seem very happy to have him in her shop though.. It made me feel 

I told him about the mask, he seems just as alarmed as I am. Cas is convinced it can’t be another Venandi (despite everything that happened last night?).. well I’m not so sure about that but who knows. Obviously not all Clements are the human-lovers they portray themselves as either. Just look at Lewyn.

He did admit that the vampire that got her head crushed last night could be identified by her tattoo’s and turned out to be a Venandi too. 

I asked Cas where we were going and he told me he wanted me to meet someone. And that yesterday had made him realise he shouldn’t hide anything from me anymore either. We ended up going to the area with the benches behind the school, now empty because of the break. The guy who’d also been with him at the party was there. The guy I’d assumed was the other killer that night. (Turns out I was right)

His name is Seth and he’s actually really shy, sweet and polite, nothing like Cas. He’s the youngest Venandi and he only started reintegrating back into society a few months ago, during the summer break. He lives with Cas and is his ‘foster brother’. He was turned in 1998, at age 16. That's crazy, he’s like both older and younger than me, in a way! After being a vampire for so long he should be safe for humans to be around. Emphasis on ‘should’, I guess, since he still ended up attacking Abigail.

Astoria assigned Cas as Seth’s mentor a few years ago in an attempt to teach him some responsibility and prepare him for his reintegration. And Cas really is very protective over him, to the point where he’s willing to take the blame when he fucks up.

Cas assured me he isn’t dangerous. Seth has a hard time with hunting, but his prey drive still made him end up with the Venandi’s. Seth says he doesn’t like hurting animals and flat out refuses to hunt humans. Generally Venandi’s hunt in packs every two weeks and share one big prey together, making it so he can let someone else do the actual killing. However sometimes everyone just catches a smaller prey for themselves, which was the case that night. Seth failed to catch anything and only came clean about this to Cas a week later, who had taken him hunting after the party to catch up. I guess he didn’t know how badly he needed the blood. Obviously things had gone completely wrong. Abigail already had a fresh cut on her leg when they stumbled upon her, triggering Seth’s bloodlust. All I could think about was how easily something like that could have happened to Gabriela..

Seth seems really fucked up over it all and said he’d learned his lesson. Well, I wonder how many more other vampires in this town are basically landmines waiting to explode.. But I do believe him. I’m not scared of him. And it’s a lot harder to be mad at him, considering he shows remorse.

Once the heavy stuff was out of the way we hung out for a bit, which was nice. I really like Seth, I understand why Cas would feel so protective over him. After a while they wanted to get going and asked if I wanted to tag along but I took a raincheck since I barely slept last night. 

I napped til I was called down for dinner and watched tv with mom all night. Not a super eventful day in the end, I guess, but it was nice spending time together!

Because Seth was with us, me and Cas didn’t talk about last night at all, I’m not sure if I even want to (yet?) anyway. But things didn’t feel weird or awkward so there’s that.

2016 October 12 - wednesday

Woke up feeling like garbage because I got my period, but decided to tough it out and go to work anyway. When I walked in, Ben just immediately was like ‘absolutely not!’ but I insisted and once the painkillers kicked in it was doable anyway. Daniel is also pretty good at distracting me so that definitely helped. I was still very glad when my shift was over though, Daniel paid for some cookies and brownies for me to take home so that was really sweet of him! 

I ran into Cas on my way home (or more like he was probably waiting for me since he knows my route home) and told him today I’d definitely not be able to go do anything adventurous or whatever cuz I didn’t feel well. He said he’d just come home with me then. I was secretly pretty grateful for that, I just really don’t like being alone right now.

While we were walking home, Cas told me he worries Seth would be executed if Astoria deems him out of control, even if it was a one time thing, because staying secret is so important to the vampires.. I can tell he cares a lot about Seth and knowing the full story does put things in a different light to SOME degree, maybe? It’s insane when Cas is all like ‘ooh we Venandi’s look out for each other, we’re a family’ when at the same time they’d execute their own people and torture them and stuff. Dude seems brainwashed as hell. But yeah, HE obviously cares a lot about his coven.

When we went into my room, I told Cas to take his clothes off if he wanted to sit on my bed. Immediately regretted it when he got this big smirk on his face. I think 3 weeks ago he would’ve done that too, though. But 3 weeks ago I couldn’t even imagine ever taking him into my room to hang out together. (I also just realised he left still wearing the shirt I’d given him. Well I still have his too though. Maybe I’ll just keep it, I like Mercyful Fate too. I wonder if it was on purpose, at this point we’re sharing closets haha). 

He showed me some werewolf movie from the 70s called ‘Claws’. I seriously hadn’t ever heard about it! It sucked but he already told me beforehand that it wouldn’t be a good movie, we still had a lot of fun though. We both laughed a lot at the terrible special effects and acting, I think right now I’m more in the mood for something like that anyway. I’m already kinda living in a horror movie right now. And even realistic fictional gore just kinda hits differently now, especially after Monday. Man, I hope this bullshit isn’t for real gonna ruin horror for me.

Afterwards we just talked about movies and stuff like that, nothing special, really. I had a good time! It was nice to hang out like this, like just watching a movie together instead of climbing a building or jumping off a cliff. Just hanging out like two normal human teens would. Ever since Monday something has definitely shifted, like he’s been so sweet to me.. I’d been worrying a bit that he’d start moving faster after I kissed him Monday. But it hasn’t been like that. Sure, we sat really close together today, but nothing that went over my boundaries. Well I mean, it was only a kiss on his cheek anyway, maybe I’m making it into something bigger than it really is.

We already agreed to go into the forest tomorrow (if I’m feeling better at least, but most of the time I do) after I mentioned wanting to run again under the influence of vampire blood. So that’s what we’re doing tomorrow!

I called with Joy today, it fucking sucks that I can’t tell her the complete truth. So I keep having to come up with some other story, but it’s so hard! When I can’t sleep I just spend the night fabricating cover up stories in my head and getting used to them so I won’t slip up. I ended up telling her Gabriela had lied about something, but it was pretty private so I wouldn’t get into it more. Not really a lie! And told her I’ve been hanging out more with Cas ever since. I haven’t told her about the kiss because I honestly don’t WANT to talk to anyone about it. No, not even Joy. I’d rather just figure it out for myself first, I guess.

It’s been weird just not talking to Gabriela at all. I’m already getting withdrawal symptoms. I don’t think the time is right yet to face her. But man do I miss her. She’s been such a constant presence in my life these past weeks.. But because of that it only hurts even more that she lied to me and put me in danger. Like I thought she cared about me, but then why would she do that?

2016 October 13 - thursday

Libby stopped by the coffee shop today and asked if something had happened between me and Gabriela after the Autumn festival, because she hadn’t heard from either of us all week. And Gabriela apparently acted off during her shift yesterday, but pretended like nothing was wrong when asked about it, of course. I didn’t really have time to chat and told her yes but that it was between us. She asked if it had anything to do with Cas, ugh. Monday I already felt like she really didn’t like it when I left with him for a bit and I guess now she thinks I’m cheating or whatever!! I mean it isn’t even cheating anyway, it’s not like we’re in a fucking committed relationship or whatever? GOD!! And it sucks even more that that really wasn’t the reason, but it’s not like I can fucking tell anyone about that so!! I guess now I look like the asshole, great!

After that I had another two hours to go and I even messed up some orders because I honestly just felt so bad. I wish she hadn’t confronted me during my shift. But okay whatever, I get that she’s protective over her friend. And I’m still the new girl so of course everyone picks Gabriela’s side.

Cas came to pick me up again after my shift and we went straight into the forest after stopping by my place for a bit so I could eat and change.

He took me all the way to the edge of the ley lines. Now that I’m aware of them, it’s so obvious! It’s autumn now so the trees don’t look too different, except there really aren’t any green trees in Crimson Beech. The colours are different too, brighter, almost like they glow. And it’s also just way colder outside the leylines right now! Crazy! I don’t even have to wear a jacket in town right now.

He let me bite him again, it got less messy this time, I just broke the skin and licked off the first drops. I learned my lesson last time, maybe I can slowly work up though.. Once the blood had kicked in and his wound had closed up, we raced each other. We never got a winner though, because it was cut short when I ran into a tree. Which then fell down, somehow. I think we probably laughed for three minutes straight, it was so funny, I really wish I could tell Joy about these kinda moments! 

After that I jokingly lifted up the tree and tried to hit him with it. Which somehow led to both of us playfighting. We both really got into it, no way I’m letting that annoying motherfucker win, so I gave him a hard time. But he didn't go easy on me either (And I don’t want him to). We went at it for so long, tackling each other and rolling over the ground. We were both covered in leaves and dirt but I didn’t care. At some point I had him pinned down by his wrists and I told him to surrender already. Instead he kissed my cheek and because of the total surprise he could overpower me again! And he won because I was just so like ‘okay what did he just do’. I had to keep myself I almost But worst of all, I almost kissed him back (on his lips). Like, I liked it. Okay. Yeah I guess I like Cas like that. Shit! 

Okay I don’t even care if I’m bisexual after all, nothing wrong with that, even though it’s still like. I don’t know. I don’t understand, I guess? I’ve been digging through my memories if I’ve maybe ever had a crush on a guy and maybe just not realised? But no. But he’s also way prettier But this still feels like, okay damn why am I even thinking so much about this when me and my moms lives are LITERALLY on the line. Why do I care!!! 

When we walked back home I thought of bringing up last Monday, but I couldn’t get myself to do it. I really really need to tell Gabriela about this before anything more happens. What if I just feel this way because I miss Gabriela? And I miss the intimacy from the past weeks or something? I don’t know. I mean he couldn’t replace her, they’re so different. And I don’t WANT to replace her! I hope she won’t be hurt or anything.. 

2016 October 10 - monday

So much happened tonight, today was a complete disaster! FUCK Gabriela Rivera for real this time, the biggest fucking liar I have ever met in my entire life! 

It turns out she’s a vampire AND a liar. I can’t believe I’m even saying it, she’s a VAMPIRE and I had no idea. I almost died tonight because SHE tried to KILL me!! I survived another Nexus trial AND I think I have feelings for Cas. My brain is melting!!!

Gabriela came to pick me up this morning, mom asked her to bring me home by ten, Gabriela said in that case make it 9:50. 

Well, she wasn’t the one who walked me home and on top of that it was like almost 3 hours later than that. Mom obviously no longer likes Gabriela, she’d been worried sick because in all the chaos I’d forgotten to text her that I’d be home later until it was already later than 10.

Most of the day was great, we spent a lot of time with our friends, I tried a lot of food, I won like 6 plushies for Gabriela and we had so much fun! I was so happy! Gabriela was so excited to show me around.. You know, I believe all of that was genuine. That’s really not the problem.

After a while we ran into Cas. He said Astoria had sent him to check if we were behaving, (yeah, sure). Gabriela told him not to ruin our date and he mentioned that he’d been hanging out with me too, the past weeks. And I started feeling like they were playing tug-of-war with me again. 

I took Cas away for a bit while Gabriela stayed with the rest and told him to leave if he was just gonna try to ruin our day. I joked about him being jealous and won a little stuffed toy that I gave to him. At the time it was just a joke like ‘I guess you feel neglected. There, I’ve given you attention, now scram.’ But I guess maybe he really was a bit jealous. I really had no idea.

I got a text from Gabriela that everyone was gonna go on the ferris wheel and met her there to take a ride together. It was really fun, especially the forest is beautiful from so high in the sky.. Once we were really high up, I asked her where she had her first kiss. She pointed at the park close to school and told me it was with a boy named Haru. At that time I wondered if he went to our school, but I guess if anything, Haru’s kids or grandkids might be our classmates. Who knows how old she is..  

Gabriela also pointed out all her favourite spots in town and where she’d like to take me to.. Things she was still going to show me.. We kissed and yeah, everything was great. Literally in that moment I was thinking about how lucky I felt to have found her. It all feels so tainted now.

When we got off the ride, Gabriela said she’d run home real quick to drop the bag with all the plushies off, so she didn’t have to drag that around all night. Aiden and Jade had ran off together and Libby also ran into some guy and left with him, so I was left on my own. I waited for her on a bench, but after a while I noticed a lot of people walking towards the woods, so I texted her where I’d meet her and followed the crowd. 

They all went to this huuuuge beech tree that had been decorated for the festival. People were climbing up on ladders and hanging up pieces of paper onto the lower branches. A lady saw me looking all confused, I guess, and told me they do this every year. It's called the ritual of good fortune or something? She gave me a piece of paper and a pen and told me to write a wish on it and hang it up. I’m pretty sure it’s the same tree as the one mentioned in that journal me and Gabriela read through together. Supposedly the strength from all the wishes would assure that the trees don’t lose their leaves for the rest of the year. After I hung up my wish (protect my loved ones) and got down again, I noticed something shiny in the grass: another talisman! I’d planned to ask Cas about it, but I ended up using it already this night. Gabriela called it a silver ward talisman when I showed it after everything went down. When you push the gem in the middle, a cloud of silver shoots out. I can actually hurt vampires with this thing.

As I was leaving to return to my spot, a group of three masked vampires ambushed me. I barely had time to even process what the fuck was happening. They brought me to the gym at school. I did manage to hurt one of them with the silver key Gabriela gave me though, but it obviously wasn’t enough to fight them off. Not much later Gabriela also entered the gym. I yelled at her to leave, thinking they were gonna kill us both. Instead one of the vampires cut my arm and pushed me towards her. And when I looked at her I saw her eyes were silver. I didn’t even process it right away, I genuinely thought they’d just turned her or something?? Like I couldn’t fathom that she’d just been lying to me all this time! 

She didn’t look back at me with any recognition and that’s when I knew she was not, like, ‘there’ anymore. I slapped her in the face, hoping that would snap her out of it and in her confusion she did come by a little for a bit and attacked the other three vampires instead. While she was distracted, I texted Cas that he had to come to the gym asap and prayed to like every possible god in existence that he’d read it and show up in time.

And then I started helping her, putting my talismans to use. In hindsight I could've just left the gym and gotten as far away as I could, but it’s still Gabriela. And even as I’m writing this, I care about her and don’t want her to get hurt. And I’m SO glad she didn’t get hurt! Not physically hurt at least. 

It was fucking crazy seeing her like that, like the amount of damage and violence she could cause in maybe only like three minutes? Immediately they all turned on Gabriela instead and from behind her I used the disorientation talisman to blind them and buy her a bit of time. While they were still recovering, she just grabbed the closest one and tore their throat out. And mind you, this didn’t even kill them, so for a bit they just laid on the floor making these agonised gurgling noises.. 

Then another one jumped Gabriela and they started fighting, they moved SO fast I could barely even make out what was happening. While that was happening, I doused the other one in silver from my new talisman. It was such a risk, like I didn’t even know what it’d do! I could hear their skin SIZZLING as they writhed on the floor, this shit really really hurts them! It bought us enough time for Gabriela to finish the other one off by staking them with a piece of wood from the floor. 

The vampire I’d just doused in silver had gotten up again (I guess the mask protected them from the worst of it) and attacked her, after which they started fighting, too.

By then I noticed that the first one still wasn’t dead and just laid there, gargling on their own blood, I guess. And I don’t know WHY I thought that would do anything, but I jumped on their head because I thought I could just crush it like that (I couldn’t). Instead they grabbed my leg and I fell on the ground, right next to them. I shouted her name and Gabriela threw the other vampire to the side, they hit the wall so hard there was a crack in it. (Astoria’s really lucky we’re on break right now because otherwise I’d have no idea how she was gonna hide the damage left behind). 

It barely took a second for Gabriela to reach us and she crushed their head with her foot. She made it look so easy. It was like 4 inches from my face. It was the most disgusting, brutal thing I’ve ever seen in real life. I heard their skull crack open and one of their eyeballs popped out of the mask, which also broke in two as Gabriela stomped on it. Their head was just a mess of minced meat and broken bone after that.

I was still looking at the crushed head and trying not to barf when I heard Gabriela rip off the head of the last standing vampire. And when I looked at her, she was just standing there, their head in her hands and covered in everyone’s blood. And now her eyes were on me again.

It’s so fucking crazy to see someone you’ve grown so fond of in just a few weeks, someone who’s, so far, only looked at you with affection, someone you’ve shared a bed with and KISSED, look at you like you’re fucking prey. I can’t even describe it but it was somehow more disturbing than those three mutilated bodies surrounding us in that moment. 

I backed away while begging her to please not kill me. That it was me, that she didn’t want to do this. I knew I had the silver ward talisman, but I still couldn’t get myself to hurt her. 

Thank god that’s when Cas entered the gym and tackled her right when she leaped for me. He seemed so worried and angry. He kept her pinned to the floor while she struggled against him. He told me to get as far away as I could, that she’d gone feral. Something that happens when a vampire is starving and is exposed to blood. I just stood there, shaking like a fucking leaf, I couldn’t believe what had just happened. There was just no way.

Cas asked me to unmask all of the dead vampires (well, the ones that still had faces), who turned out to be Venandi’s. Not surprising I guess. I stripped a piece of fabric off a robe, because I was bleeding very badly. And Gabriela started coming by after that. Cas still warned me to stay away. She started crying when she took the scene in. And honestly I did feel so bad for her. Despite everything it kinda broke me to see her in so much distress.

That’s when Astoria and some other vampires entered the gym and took us to the Nexus. They didn’t even bother to knock me out before taking me there this time. Astoria was PISSED but I don’t remember a thing she said on the way to the Nexus. BECAUSE I didn’t get knocked out I was so sure she was 100% for sure gonna execute me anyway. 

Once we got there, I got brought to some sort of infirmary where a vampire lady stitched up my arm while they brought both Cas and Gabriela to the dungeons deeper into the Nexus. Once she was done she wished me good luck for my trial and one of the vampires who’d been with Astoria led me to the dungeons. On my way there we passed Marian and I KNOW she saw me. I’m super glad that she now knows that I know she’s a vampire, though I wonder if she’s gonna pretend otherwise. And if she’ll still be so nice to me.

I was relieved to find Cas and even Gabriela still in the dungeons too. Immediately I started screaming at Gabriela about how she lied to me for WEEKS. And she reacted like I was scaring her. And then I calmed down already, seeing her like that. I still care so much about her. I feel so much right now, I’m angry at her but I also feel bad for her. I wanna punch her and scream at her and I wanna embrace her and tell her it’s okay. I know that wasn’t her but FUCK. 

Cas was SO pissed! Like okay, tonight proved that he actually cares about me. A lot. Like he was SO angry at Gabriela for putting me in danger this whole time by not drinking blood. That’s honestly what fucked me up the most too, like it wasn’t even just ME who was put in danger but also all our friends, my mom, the kids at the hospital??? Every human in town, really??? If all it took for her to go feral was just a sudden cut like that?? Some blood??? What if my mom had cut her finger when she was cooking for us last week? Or Aiden or Jade last Friday? Like it just feels like.. if you care about me, then why would you put me in danger like that? Honestly, even if she didn’t, WHY would you put people in danger like that?

Gabriela said she’d been tapering her feedings, trying to last longer and longer without blood. I angrily asked Cas if he knew about this and he said he didn’t. He hadn’t expected she’d do something this stupid. That her lying about being human was funny to him (fucking asshole) because he felt it had to come out eventually, but obviously not like THIS. But obviously those other Venandi’s did know. Or assumed it, I guess. 

She very obviously hates being a vampire and thinks vampires are unnatural monsters. I definitely think there’s a lot going on there, but I’m just so fucked up over how she put me in danger, how she lied to me, so damn easily over the past couple of weeks?? I feel like an idiot. Like I’ve been bringing up the future already sometimes and she just played along, I feel so embarrassed.

I asked why she didn’t just tell me. And if she really thought I wouldn’t accept her like that?? If she’d just told me before any of this could’ve happened I would’ve been fine with it. Her being a vampire is really no issue to me.

She claimed that Lewyn told her not to. And also that she’d been assigned to watch me ever since my first trial!! Cas said she just pretends to be human just because she can’t accept what she is. And that she probably liked roleplaying as a human with me. Gabriela wanted to argue back, but I cut her off because I felt like our biggest problem was the upcoming trial. And we were wasting our time by arguing. 

Gabriela said that she wished she could take a look at the bylaws in the Chamber of Laws, a part of the Nexus where they keep these texts, among other things. And figure out a way for all of us to get out unscathed. Cas offered to break us out of our cell and we snuck past Clyde to get there. Of course Cas knows how to pick locks.

Luckily it wasn’t too far from the dungeons and Cas carried me so they could run at full speed. We had to go through a huuuge library before reaching the Chamber Of Laws, what I’d give to have a look at that collection..

Once we got there we all worked together to find something that could save our asses. Pretty quickly Gabriela found something that was relevant for all of us. I looked around a bit, I wish I’d had more time but oh well. There was this mural that depicted two vampires being cast out of Crimson Beech. A man who turned his lover into a vampire to save her life. It’s against the rules to turn someone without the coven’s permission. An offense punished with banishment.  

I asked why banishment was such a cruel fate, since vampires could walk in the sun anyway. Gabriela explained that Crimson Beech was founded on ley lines, underground sources of power that give vampires the ability to walk in the sun. Outside the ley lines vampires will get sun poisoning when they’re out in the sun for too long, so they’d have to hide during the day. 

That’s when I realised, that time I took Gabriela out of town, that’s why she got so sick! I could’ve killed her! Cas thought it was hilarious but I feel a bit bad. Even if it’s her fault for not being honest with me! God I almost killed her..

We managed to get back without being caught. I was up first, this time only principal Yao, Lewyn and some elders were there. They were reeeaaaallly pissed, my talisman was burning against my wrist like crazy, like it actually left a mark. I explained what happened and how they attacked me within town borders, most of all! Honestly all of this is so fucking stupid anyway, I didn’tget myself into that situation? in the end the elders decided to let me go again. 

However Lewyn did inform me that mom’s been digging deeper and deeper into the cases. And for some reason I, her 18 year old daughter who’s in highschool, must somehow deter her. Instead of her fucking boss. Even Lewyn seems eager to just get rid of us. Astoria threatened she’d kill me and my mom if I failed. And he steps in like ‘Oh no, Astoria! We’ll kill them.’ With that terrible smile on his face. Fucking villain.

After my trial Cas and Gabriela were up. They both managed to convince the covens not to punish them with the brand (I think if they’d gotten branded, the covens would’ve made me watch, Astoria literally already had it with her) and when we were done they escorted me out. I was panicking due to what Lewyn had just told me and they comforted me, promising to help me protect my mom.

Gabriela and Cas both offered to walk me home. Gabriela said she could explain herself more on the way home. But I turned her down and said I needed some time away from her, feeling myself get angry all over again now that I wasn’t worrying about being put down anymore. I promised I’ll let her know when I feel ready. I know I will in a few days. I felt a pang of guilt when I asked Cas to walk me home instead, even worse when the asshole shoulderchecked her right after. Gabriela looked awful, I KNOW she must feel horrible, I just don’t wanna hear her out until I’ve had a few days to cool down. Like I want to fix this, I hope we can. But I gotta be in the right mindset for that.

On our way to my house Cas said he needed to come clean about something. And I’m just like ‘God damnit not YOU too!’ But he wanted to tell me that he actually doesn’t hunt humans that often at all, since vampires can feed from all animals. Most of the time they just run into some deer or an elk and feed off those. The Clements also drink bagged blood that’s been collected at the local slaughterhouse. Human blood is ‘better’ though, keeps the thirst for blood away for longer and stuff, apparently.

Cas told me a lot of vampires have a prey-drive, here in Crimson Beech that’s often the thing that determines which coven you’ll end up in. If he doesn’t hunt he said he ‘starts feeling and acting crazy’ after a while. He admitted that when he and his hunting party do run into humans in the woods, they do go for it though. There are some Venandi’s who stick to animals, but he’s not one of them. I asked when he last killed a human and he said around 10 years ago. That they tend to hunt far away enough from towns that they don’t really run into any people. Ugh I just hate the idea of it.. Also now I’m realizing HOW OLD IS HE??? I genuinely thought he’d maybe have been turned a year ago or something, but obviously not if he was already a vamp 10 years ago.. 

I ended up wanting to change the subject, so I asked about what he was like when he was still human himself. And then his mood immediately just dropped and I could tell he was annoyed with me for asking again. He said he’d rather forget and when I asked further he said he was weak and alone back then and now he’s not. I didn’t ask further, I won’t for now. Obviously he didn’t have an easy life. 

I also wanted to know when he last had a human friend and he said he hasn’t had any since turning. That it’d just make things weird, that humans didn’t interest him like that anyway  and that he’s not interested in having to hide what he is. I asked if he’d like me more if I was a vampire and he said I’m pretty okay like this. But also that I’m like a half-vampire already anyway with how much blood I drink.

Cas suggested taking me to the ice cream parlour since it was still open this late. I’d texted mom earlier when we left the Nexus that I’d get home later so she knew I was okay. So I was like.. ok fuck it, why not. I could use it honestly.

Because I said I eat literally everything, he wanted to try and come up with a combo even I’d find disgusting. Well apparently rosewater flavoured ice cream is a thing and it’s NOT good. I really didn’t know ice cream could be disgusting. He tried it too and then couldn’t stop gagging for like a whole minute or something. I thought he was gonna barf all over the table. Cas told me he rarely ever eats human food anymore because he doesn’t have to and doesn’t like most of it either. That’s craaazy to me, I love food!!

We had fun though.. It was nice after everything that happened tonight, Cas is good at distracting me when I need it. After torturing ourselves with the ice cream from hell, I got us two scoops of vanilla ice cream, which we shared. Cas mentioned having worked at an ice cream parlor himself at some point when he was human and we ended up talking about jobs we’ve had and stuff. I also told him about my current job. Was a good idea anyway so he won’t show up at our house on a Saturday when I’m not home yet. Eventually the scooper guy kicked us out because the shop was closing, but we probably could’ve sat there for hours otherwise.

As we were walking to my house, Cas put an arm around me. And I leaned in. And that’s when it dawned upon me. I like him. I think. Maybe? I can’t, right?? I don’t like men like that. Maybe it’s the trauma talking?? Just latching onto the person who makes me feel safest right now. HE MAKES ME FEEL SAFE??? CAS??? Jesus Christ. Maybe I fell on my head earlier, or something. 

When we got to my house Cas pulled me into an awkward hug. He said he just wanted to make sure I’m safe, after everything that went down tonight when I was like ‘um where did that come from?’ He mentioned something about wanting to make sure I ‘didn’t make it into something it’s not’, and very obviously gave me the opportunity to kiss him if I wanted. And on impulse I kissed his cheek. I don’t know, WHYYY DID I DO THAT?? I feel like I just cheated or something. Is it just because I’m mad at Gabriela? 

To be fair it didn’t start tonight, I think. When I bit him it might’ve kinda turned me on, if I’m honest with myself.. But I didn’t really know what to make of that.. maybe it was the blood doing something to me.. I just decided that had to be it probably. That vampire blood could have an arousing effect. I’ve NEVER been into a guy! Like yeah I can see he’s pretty but that shouldn’t have to mean I wanna fuck him?? But right then? I could’ve. I thought I’d just move on, didn't really want to think about it. And felt like I didn’t have to. But I guess I should.

Ugh I’m so confused, what if it’s really just the trauma?? I was gonna ask Gabriela to be my girlfriend tonight.. I know it’s just a kiss on the cheek, it’s not that big of a deal I guess!! But the thing is that I DO want to see where things could go with Cas. I can’t believe I’m even saying that!! At the ice cream parlor I was also just thinking about how nice this was and how I’d like to do this more often with him. I keep fantasizing about what he’d be like in a relationship, I want to bring out his soft side holy shit this is DISGUSTING what the fuck is wrong with me!! 

I still like Gabriela. Yeah I’m pissed at her and I just feel really betrayed and embarrassed, but in the end it doesn’t undo how I feel about her. I can’t imagine NOT liking her.. I know I’m gonna start missing her within a few days. And I think I will come clean about the stuff with Cas.. man I hope THAT won’t cause me to lose her instead. Sometimes I also just kinda forget that most people want to be the only person you have eyes for..

After I kissed him I hurried inside. Mom was waiting for me in the kitchen, she was PISSED. Not just at me, but also at Gabriela, especially because she could hear I got home with a guy. I told her me and Gabriela got into a fight and Cas took me to get ice cream to cheer me up. Didn’t feel like as bad of a lie, since there’s some truths scattered in there too.. But I can tell she doesn’t completely buy it. She tried to dig more and I angrily went upstairs.. God I hate what this vampire bullshit is doing to our relationship.. 

2016 October 1 - Saturday

Work went well today! I had to work with a guy named Daniel and someone named Morgan and I definitely fit right in with them! 

Daniel told me to call him Danny, he’s in his 20s and I love his style (note to self: ask where he gets his piercings from). He’s super nice and funny. He plays his own playlist for the day and it’s like exactly the kind of pop music I haaaate and that hate has only increased today because after about an hour and a half it all starts over again. When there’s no customers he dances and sings along really badly too, which is honestly pretty funny though. Oh and he’s Benjamin’s boyfriend? I’d never expect those two to be a couple, talk about the definition of black cat x golden retriever couple. 

Morgan’s a junior at our school and they’re really easy to talk to. They’re also really funny, they remind me a bit of Joy at times, like they have that same bluntness and stuff. Like they’ll just tell me I suck at doing something but in such a neutral way that I can’t even be offended. And then they add that I’ll get the hang of it.

I can already tell Saturdays are probably going to be my favourite, which is nice since I start my day at 8 and I really have to get used to getting up on weekends now. Benjamin and Missy took over when me and Morgan were done and Morgan walked with me until we had to split up, I can definitely see myself befriending them too! 

I was already kinda anticipating Cas after work and yup, there he was, knocking on my window while I was listening to music and doodling a bit.

I asked if he’d let me have some blood again today and he was fine with that. He says he likes how eager I always am to drink his blood. Ew! And also that he thinks I’d make a good vampire. No thanks. 

We went into the woods again, of course. We went up the same cliff again, though this time we took the long way and hiked up.

I’ve been thinking about how cool it kinda is that humans can drink vampire blood too? And that it’d be cool to bite a vampire I guess. Reverse the roles, sorta, you know? Joy would get me. 

I don’t know what overcame me, but I just blurted it out. Like if I could bite him. He got this weird grin and for real let me do it!! He said I had to watch out and not take too much blood because that could kill me. A human can take a mouth full of blood max. Well I didn’t see myself take that much anyway, in the end it still tastes like blood, not tasty at all.

He asked where I wanted to bite him and I took his wrist, since that would be the least intim the easiest. Knowing that taking too much could kill me definitely made me more nervous about biting him. I knew I didn’t have to hold back, since he’d heal up quickly anyway. And so I bit him hard and deep. I hoped it’d hurt him a bit anyway, but he just made a cute weird little noise the moment I sunk my teeth in. He sorta guided me through it, I guess he also couldn’t afford to have me drop dead and having to explain at the Nexus that he let me drink his blood. He bled more heavily than I anticipated and I quickly started lapping up the blood and sucking at the wound. 

It made me feel so powerful in a way, I dunno. Like I’m biting a fucking VAMPIRE right now! There’s something about doing this to someone who could just snap me in half if they wanted. I don’t know. I guess I did get really carried away because at some point he had to push me off. It was awesome!!! I feel like this kinda awakened something in me. Like usually you’re not really ‘allowed’ to bite people and draw blood, right? When I bit Anthony he had to get a tetanus shot haha. But that was under different circumstances, this was ho fun! I really hope he’ll let me do it again every time he’ll let me have some of his blood.

I asked if we were gonna go swimming again, since that’s what I assumed would be the plan since he brought me there again. But he said he wasn’t really in the mood anymore. That’s when I also noticed that I’d made a fucking mess of it and we’d both gotten blood on our clothes.. Cas offered to go to his place and he would handle it. ‘Since he’s an expert on getting blood out of clothes anyway.’ Yeah man, remind me of that shit again. Immediately made me wish I had torn a whole piece out of his arm. 

He raced me to the edge of the woods and sadly won. So then I had to deal with him trying to rub it in as if I give a fuck about winning a stupid race against him. I noticed that just walking at a normal pace definitely seemed more challenging after drinking his blood. Cas made fun of the way I walked, though it wasn’t THAT bad I think. I just had to make sure I wouldn’t move too fast.

I gotta admit I was really excited to see where he’d live though. Like just because I’d been wondering where the vampires would live, you know? It turns out that they all do live in town, except for the vampires that are currently in hiding and supposed to be ‘dead’. They all do have some sort of studio apartment in the Nexus. Cas told me about how, once you go deeper inside, you reach the part where everyone lives and it’s basically like a super small underground town, with stores and buildings and all that (mannn I’d love to see that, it sounds really cool..). But to keep up the human guise, everyone lives in town outside the Nexus. The teen vampires get paired with adult vampires who pose as their caretakers and live with them.

I asked if he got along with his ‘parents’ and he told me the Venandi’s are like family. Even closer than biological families. Suuuure, that’s why they mutilate you when you break the rules. I didn’t say that out loud since I wasn’t in the mood to argue. He also told me that after graduation he’d get a shared apartment with one of his friends. Scott if I remember correctly? I think he’s in my history class, though he doesn’t show up often. 

Cas actually lives closer to me than Gabriela does, like only two streets away. It was fun seeing his room, he’d hung up a lot of posters of bands and movies. He even had a few werewolf movie posters up too! His room was pretty messy (as expected). Lots of clutter, clothes on the floor, bed unmade.. He had a bunch of art supplies laying around, but immediately put his (what I assume) sketchbook away when we walked into his room. Kinda cu funny if he’s shy about his art. I wonder what kinda stuff he draws.

We both got undressed and he told me to just take something out of his closet. Or from the floor pile (no thanks). He has a lot of nice clothes honestly, it was pretty fun digging through his wardrobe. I ended up just taking a simple flannel and stuff though. While he was gone I looked around some more, he had a lot of comic books and cd’s on a shelf. He had a little box on his desk with jewelry, which I’d have loved to rummage through. And also a sewing machine and sewing supplies in the corner of his desk. I just love looking through people’s rooms cuz you can learn a lot of shit about them. Just seeing his room like that is so strange in a way, like in the end he’s also just a guy with a life outside the vampire stuff. With hobbies and all that, y’know?

When he got back, Cas reminded me that I still hadn’t given back his other clothes that he lent to me. I told him I’d decided to get back at him by stealing all his clothes until he has to come to school naked because he has no clothes left. Not gonna lie, he really has a lot of clothes I’d just wanna take and never give back. I shouldn’t have said that by the way because then he was like ‘oh so you wanna see me naked?’ Die!! I wonder if I’ll be getting my clothes back.. I noticed that it was getting dark, so I should probably go home. He tried to talk me into going into the woods with him anyway, but that’s really where I draw the line. 

Only when he dropped me off at home, Cas decided to inform me that, since I’d drank a lot more blood than the other times, the effects would last way longer. He couldn’t tell me how long. Well it’s been 6 hours now and I still feel like a fucking vampire minus the fangs!! I ate dinner with mom (which tasted WEIRD because apparently all senses change when you drink vampire blood). And then locked myself in my room, because I’m not sure if mom would notice anything off about me. 

I also found out that vampires can see in the dark. Though that makes sense, I guess. I'm sitting in the dark as I’m writing this.

Mannn I wish I could tell Joy about all this! I bit a guy and he let me drink his blood! And the guy is a vampire by the way. And also the blood gives me temporary vampire powers. I bet she’d drop everything and fly straight to Maine.

I had a really fun day. Honestly, I always have a lot of fun with Cas. He mostly dropped the whole humans are lame and weak-talk.. He still confuses me a lot though. It’s just weird, thinking about how he murdered someone a few weeks ago. I just cannot let that go.. And I shouldn’t! We haven’t talked about that at all anymore. Neither of us really want to, I guess. Ugh it’s just weird like in the moment I just forget all about it. And then I get home and am overcome with guilt once I start thinking. I want to hate him but I feel like I just don’t anymore, if I’m completely honest with myself. But I should, you know?

I’m starting to feel nauseous so I guess the blood is finally wearing off.

2016 October 2 - Sunday

Last night I was awfully dizzy and nauseous once the blood had worn off, I only managed to fall asleep by 5. I wish I had slept before it wore off so I’d just slept through it or something. I woke up cranky as hell, but still pulled myself together since Gabriela was gonna come over to help me with school.

Gabriela pretty soon asked me what I’d been up to yesterday. I was honest about it and told her I spend my Saturdays with Cas lately. I can tell she really doesn’t like it and that makes me feel guilty. I didn’t share a lot of details, also just because mom was home and I couldn’t have her hear me talk about me drinking his blood. 

We really did manage to catch up on all my homework! From now on I’m for real gonna try to stay on top, I gotta get out of here!!! She also explained a bunch of stuff from Algebra class again and promised to send me her notes so I could use those when I’m studying.

Gabriela stayed over for dinner, she and my mom get along well! Not that I’m surprised. Mom also said she likes her a lot, after she left. Mom knows that me and Gabriela like each other. And that we were kissing when she got home last week (she felt so bad haha, she said next time I should send her a text when she’s over so she knows not to disturb us). She thinks we should just make it official, she doesn’t see the point of pretending like we aren’t basically girlfriends already. I guess she’s right. I might just bring it up next week at the autumn festival.. it just seems nice to do it on a special day..

After dinner we went up to my room and cozied up together. And made out again.. I really like her so much, I feel so happy when we’re together. It’s like we’ve known each other for years, like some missing piece fell into place when we met. That’s so cheesy but yeah, it’s true!

2016 October 3 - monday

Apparently Aiden and Jade saw me and Cas together this weekend. Uuuugghhh… Jade’s confused about why and since when I’m hanging out with Cas. I told her he’s nice when you get to know him, I CAN’T believe I said that! About CAS! Well what else am I supposed to say ‘he lets me drink his blood and then I can jump off cliffs and climb big buildings and it’s awesome’?? 

I took over Missy’s shift today after school and it was SO busy today, she dodged a bullet.. And so many difficult customers too, something was in the air today I guess. Daniel made it all bearable at least, I really enjoy working with him! I also met my co-worker Michelle, she’s a bit older than both me and Danny. It was way too busy to properly talk but from what I gathered she’s very nice! Things definitely went better than expected today, though the others also just knew exactly when to take over from me so that helped.

Me and Danny clocked out at 7 and he insisted on driving me home since it was dark already. He drives a baby blue fiat 500 haha, CUTE!!!

I’m so fucking tired now. I had planned to touch up my hair tonight but I’ll just do it tomorrow, I just wanna sleep right now.

2016 October 7 - friday

To celebrate the start of fall break, after school me, Gabriela, Libby, Aiden and Jade went to the wharf and rented a boat all afternoon. Libby keeps teasing us and asking if we’re official yet. We don’t kiss around other people but I guess it’s still pretty clear. And mannn sometimes I really have to fight the urge to give her a kiss. Mom’s right, there’s no point in stalling. I’m gonna bring it up again next monday, after the Autumn festival. We’ll have had a great day together and then that will just make it even better!

Afterwards we went to Aiden’s, since his parents are out of town right now and he and Jade cooked for all of us together. And we all watched Blades afterwards. I really loved this episode too, but I’m mourning Mal’s gorgeous locks (Joy was even more appalled when we texted tonight). It was a fun night, man I really love this group so much! I still can’t believe they all just accepted me into their friend group so easily. Everyone’s excited for me to experience the Autumn Festival. Gabriela will be picking me up next monday and then we’ll all meet up at the fairgrounds!

Something kinda weird did happen tonight though. After Gabriela dropped me off at home, I saw her outside, talking to Lewyn who was parked outside.. I don’t know if I should text her about it or ask her about it on Monday.. I feel like talking face to face will be much better, but I also know I’m just gonna worry all weekend about what that was about.

It prompted me to check in with mom again, but she didn’t tell me anything that seemed very significant. She’d called off the meeting with the sheriff after Lewyn had urged her to, so that’s good at least. But Lewyn knowing that she called a meeting in the first place really worries me. Especially after seeing the motherfucker lurking outside our house. Ugh I wish I could just kill him.

2016 October 8 - saturday

Cas didn’t come over today. I can’t believe I actually sat here and waited for hours. I refuse to text him and give him the idea that I’d miss him or something like that. He’d be so annoying about it, I just know it. It’s really just that by now I’m so used to it, it’s weird when we don’t hang out, you know?

Eventually I took it as a sign and instead texted Gabriela if we could meet up at the park, I just had to get it out of the way! Thankfully she had time. When she got there, the first thing she asked was like, about if it had to do with Cas. So protective haha. 

She told me she just saw Lewyn in his car outside our house when she left and she told him to go away. That he’s keeping an eye on both of us now because we are friends. Ugh great, so he’s fucking stalking us?? BOTH of us, so I’m getting her in trouble now too?

Gabriela reassured me that it’ll be okay, that I don’t have to be scared. That monday we’ll have an amazing day to take everything off my mind.