The Language of Life

After reading too much fanfiction and reblogging way too many hockey gifs on this hellsite, I got slightly drunk and asked myself the following question: Who has the horniest bromance in the league? Here’s the scientifically totally legit poll where you can vote. But let’s look at our top 10 candidates first, shall we?

WE SHALL! But first, more wine! 

Mika Zibanejad and Chris Kreider

Sluttiness potential: People keep saying it’s just golf balls in his pocket, but personally, I choose to believe that Chris Kreider has the shlong to end all shlongs. Mazel tov!

Awww factor: They’re flying across the globe to visit during the summer, so- yeah. It’s love.

Brock Boeser and Elias Pettersson

Awww factor: Hand holding on the bench levels of “awww”. Pettersson also donated 10 Grand to the Parkinson society of BC and Minnesota to honor Brock Boeser’s dad. It’s all very get-your-tissues-out sweet.

Sluttiness potential: Dude, they’re young, they still have to share their hotel rooms on the road, there is some sneaky boning going on. Probably. Maybe that’s just in my head? I don’t know. More wine!

JT Compher and Tyson Jost

Sluttiness potential: I think this picture neatly sums it up. 

(Look at the little weeny bum in the corner!)

Awww factor: Who can forget the time they had a moment™ because JT literally turned Tyson’s world to color?

Tyson Barrie and Nathan MacKinnon

Awww factor: Granted, they are no longer on the same team, but who cares. MORE WINE! Anyways,…

#dontjudgethemtheyaresensitive

Sluttiness potential: One time Nate fell into the ocean in Cannes, because he was too wasted to jump on his yacht and his first instinct was to walk - sopping wet - into Tyson’s room. If there isn’t some secret humping happening here, I’ll eat my boots. Or maybe the pack of mini salamis I just found in the fridge. Wine makes me hungry. Now, where were we..

Brandon Tanev and Adam Lowry

Awww factor: Aaaah, the couple that gave hockey tumblr The Kiss™. 

Sluttiness potential: 

No further questions, Your Honor!

Mitch Marner and Auston Matthews

Awww factor: The big, dumb one follows the fun smol one around all day long. Adorable.

Sluttiness potential: Auston “Knees breathing heavy” Matthews is currently shacked up with his goalie and Mitchy is back in Toronto chugging wine and playing Fortnite, but absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

I’m approximately this level of tipsy right now by the way. 

[does awkward peace sign while eating another mini salami stick]

Alex Ovechkin and Nicklas Backstrom

Sluttiness potential: Ovi is legit coo-coo bonkers and Backstrom is the kind of silent that makes me think he’s secretly crazy, so I’m very convinced they’re both insane in the sack. But maybe that’s just me, sitting at home and getting unreasonably horny in self isolation. Have I mentioned I’m slightly drunk?

Awww factor: I might not be a Caps fan, but I teared up at this.

It’s Love with a capital L and I will fight you if you disagree!

Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin

Awww factor: Ty-Ty may be a narcissistic thot and Captain Cow Eyes may be a dum-dum and they don’t seem as smitten as they once were, but we all know they still love each other. We know. We most definitely know.

Sluttiness potential: Sluttiness potential is Tyler Seguin’s middle name. (Actually it’s Paul and I’m embarrassed I know that.)

Travis Konecny and Nolan Patrick

Awww factor: The snarkier the bitch, the sweeter the moments of actual softness.

“What do you think of?” 

[dreamy smile that you only have when you talk about your crush]

“Ugh, he’s the worst!”

Sluttiness potential: It’s hard to tell, because Patty hates everyone apart from TK.

Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin

Awww factor: The unsinkable ship, the pairing that keeps on giving. Read King and Lionheart and then tell me you don’t believe in love!

Actually maybe I should re-read King and Lionheart again? I should.

Sluttiness potential: Sid’s buttcheecks invented sluttiness potential. 

x

I want progress in the NHL as much as anybody else and I want queer players to feel safe, so I hope that Heated Rivalry can be a catalyst for a shift in hockey culture. I really, really do.

But we can’t let this blind us to the fact that Gary Bettman is a member of Trump’s council of sports. Their goal is to prevent trans women from participating in women’s sports at all levels. Gary Bettman also tried to ban the use of pride tape and wearing pride jerseys during warm up. It was only reversed when players chose to do it anyway, risking fines.

That man hates the fact that this gay little show is successful. But his job is to make the owners of all 32 hockey franchises in the league the most money possible. And if this is a money maker, then he has to make sure the NHL gets a slice of that moneycake.

I never thought it was weird growing up for someone to never get married or have kids because one of my uncles did that. I never thought it was weird to be vegan because one of my cousins did that. I never thought it was weird to have a mixed race family because I had cousins and aunts and uncles with mixed race families. I never thought it was weird to be divorced because several of my family members got divorced. And their ex husbands and ex wives still showed up to family gatherings. I never thought it was weird for a woman to have short hair and dress masculine because one of my aunties did that.

A cat is a small creature in the middle of the food chain that is fully aware that you are a very large thing that could stomp its head in at any moment and yet it chooses to rest its tiny little head on your leg for a nap and spreads out on the floor near you exposing its belly and its most sensitive organs. It brings dead mice and bugs to you to share food.

Don’t you get it? This tiny thing trusts you. It wants to help you too. It licks your leg thinking that it’s helping. It kneads on you to find comfort. It shares its body warmth with you in the cold and gives you your space in the heat. It hisses at other mammals it sees outside including other cats in an effort to protect its family.