Authentic Living

I became pregnant with my first child at 24. By then I was already attuned to Reiki and had thus opened by psychic mind. I knew I was having a special child. I knew she was a girl and one in a million with a sending prior to her coming. I named her after a horse Goddess. She was born one day inside the year of the horse. Her birth was most traumatic and I was already deep into my years of addiction.

I had in college renounced my salvation from the biblical church. I had begun to take an interest in the occult, pagan worlds. I was at that time not walking with any connection to the divine. Through the experience I will tell you about, I learned that this was not a wise choice. Today my relationship with the divine and the gods is most connected.

We lived in a new house that we'd moved into when my daughter was 5 months old. We had begun to see and hear evidence of the paranormal. Her father had seen a ceramic angel fly off the shelf. I can imagine there was some poltergeist activity as I was going through some deep post-partum depression. Nevertheless, I believe that home was haunted or had an open portal.

This experience comes back to me in the form of a dream like state. I remember it most clearly as if it were yesterday. I think I depersonalized the experience, taking my conscious mind out of the way of the subconscious and psychic mind.

I recall a vision of the lighted hallway and my Daughter's door open. She had been put down for bed. I had her crib catty-corner to the back wall. I often think that was not a good idea. I remember the green carpet I had picked out in the hallway.

I heard my sweet child cry out in a way that I had never heard. She was crying out as if in danger. As any mother would I quickly entered her room.

I believe as I walked in and saw what was in my child's room is when I depersonalized. I want you to look again at the picture I have added to this story. The wings, the claws, the slanted eyes, the black smoke.. This creature was perched on the back of my Daughter's crib. Instinctively, I stood my ground and mentally demanded it to leave. I then remember it screeching out in a very high pitch as it left. I remember nothing else after that.

I had asked a Pagan priestess years later what or whom that demon was. Lilith, she said. She is a demon Goddess said to be responsible for crib death, miscarriages and the like. She was coming to take my Daughter away. I could've found my 1 year old cold and dead in her crib had I not heard her cry.

I think that my Daughter being the special one that she is, she was wanted in the spirit realm. Maybe Lilith was trying to send me a message. I had been told by more than one psychic that I was a special woman too. Being a sensitive, I'm grateful that I was able to hear my Daughter, even in the depression and drug use. Given all that I put her through, maybe she was supposed to be taken away. But why did Lilith leave when I stood my ground? So many questions. I wanted to write this down for the first time; to see it in black and white.

Study the details. I searched this entity on google images and this is was the closest image of Lilith that I have ever seen. Sitting here typing this and staring at her image is haunting. Why did she come for my baby? I'm so glad she changed her mind.

They say that a grateful drunk will not drink. Its amazingly easy as a recovering alcoholic to be angry and hateful. We are inherently self-centered. So easily we get into the woe is me party. By learning to be grateful, we can find deeper serenity.

I can honestly say that I am grateful to be an alcoholic. That doesn't seem normal does it? Who would want to be grateful to have a deadly, crippling disease that can slowly rip your life away? ME!!!

When newcomers join us, they often think we are way too happy. Why are they laughing so much? How in the world can you people be happy? I can't drink anymore! What is there to be happy about?

It takes time to know deep down in your soul that you are an alcoholic. No one likes to have to admit that they are different or that they need help. Who wants to accept help from a group of happy-go-luck strangers? Well, we laugh and have fun because we know what it means to have suffered and live to tell the tale. We find humor and gratitude in sobriety. Lord knows it is way more enjoyable that our miserable drinking days.

Community is a big deal for those of us trying to acclimatize back into society. We need others to lean on and learn from. We cannot do this alone. Those who have tried have failed. When you're truly one of the hopeless like me, you know that you must get the help. Meetings and sponsorship are free of cost! Get to a meeting and see the magic that happens in those hallowed rooms.

I have the opportunity to walk in to any meeting any where in the country (even the world, minus the language barrier) and connect to those people. I can walk in and say- Hello Family!- and every one of those people in that meeting think, act and have suffered as I do. They know how to help me and connect with me. What other disease shares that kind of camaraderie? We have an amazing network of people all over the world. I can be very grateful for that.

I'm also grateful that my higher power didn't let me die. There were many times that I should not have survived my reckless ways. But why did I not die like thousands do? I truly believe that I was spared because I have a job to do here on this earth.

As egotistical as we alcoholics are;  we aren't just going to listen to anybody about our disease. We listen best to those who've been through the trenches and experienced pain as only we know. I have this gift to help others because I was spared and have recovered! God needed me to stay here and help others. What an amazing gift that is!!

When I see a sponsee or a fellow member have that light bulb above their heads light up; oh what a joy! When I am able to help another alcoholic stay sober, I am the happiest I will ever be. I take great joy in spreading the message of hope. I feel most fulfilled when I can help save someone from the brink of disaster or death. What an amazing reason to live!

I had the wonderful experience recently of sending my sponsee to Florida for treatment. Every other avenue she tried had failed. I hope and pray that this time it works for her. The friend of mine that had gone to that treatment facility helped to get her in. That girl was in awful shape but today she is able to help another person find peace. The cycle continues. It's amazing to watch.

I am grateful for a great many things in my life. My bottom included losing my home, custody of my child, my job and my self-worth. Today I am a counted member of an amazing community. I have all those things back and so many more. Sobriety has given me the life I dreamed of.

The most amazing thing out of all this is that I can lay my head down on my pillow at night and go right to sleep.

I was a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I lived next door to that man for 14 years. My Father, the man that should have protected me simply did not. I came to find out years later that he was also a child molester. He had been accused but never tried for the rape of a 5 year old boy. My Dad is a homosexual and a pedophile. Not to mention an alcoholic and drug addict.

I found myself watching a British documentary about pedophiles today and I am overwhelmed by a feeling of nausea and anger, mixed with Sadness. I hurt so badly for all the children who were and are now being abused. I had to turn it off because it was making me so sick. There was actually public groups in Britain in the 70's that were promoting Pedophilia. That's just plain outrageous. And with the human trafficking going on all over the world. My brain is not able to conceive all this. I wish that I had the resources to combat this.

Both of my parents were sexually abused and it carried on to me. They had not dealt with their own issues and so the abuse continued. It's by Goddess' own grace that my eldest was never abused. I educated her and tried to protect her as best I could. The grace part comes through as I was in my addiction and was not protecting her as much as I should have. I have another Daughter now and I worry about her. When she was a baby my mind would imagine that her Father was raping her. I don't know where those images or thoughts came from because I do not think that happened to me.

I'm grateful that my father and I are estranged today. I do not think I could have handled trying to heal and grow if he was still in my life. He once went to court to be a character witness for a friend of his that had been purchasing child porn on the internet! This still makes me sick. Its not pornography people! It's visual documentation of child abuse.

My dad loved to be around teenage boys because he was attracted to them. He brought many around under the guise of mentoring them. Many of these boys kissed me and touched my chest. I do not think that any of it went in my private areas, nevertheless, that doesn't make it right. And I believe that my parents knew that older boys had kissed me, and yet nothing was done. I have forgiven my mother for this because I knew she was doing the best that she could. But I still sit here feeling weak and hurt. I can't understand why I had to go through this. I let these things happen because I wanted the attention and sometimes they felt good. But that does not make it right, by any means. I should have been protected and sheltered.

Once I even enacted the abuse on a neighbor boy because I thought going down on boys what what you were supposed to do. So, even as a child I abused another child. I enacted that behavior many times on men and even used that behavior to manipulate and gain attention and future company.

I finally got up the courage to confront my abuser and file a police report. The state of CA had thrown out a time block of child abuse cases on the basis that court representatives and coerced children into naming things that didn't in fact happen to them, thereby giving false testimony. Maybe though this was a way to protect the pedophiles. Maybe the people that enacted this time block were abusers themselves. Be that as it may, I stood in my rented room on the phone with a sheriff's officer hearing him tell me that there was nothing he could do as my abuse fell within that time block.  A piece of my heart broke that day that has never healed. It took great courage to report that abuse.

I had confronted my abuser face to face. I told him that I forgave him after I apologized to him. I no longer hate him. I just struggle with my own father and the many years I have worked on forgiveness for him. Again, grateful he is out of my life.

Going through the things I've been through have warped my mind. My brain will show me scenarios and ideas that are not of my own making, not a mental illness issue. These are just simply the results of what I have been through and the ways that I have compartmentalized these encounters. The reactions that I have to abuse and images really troubles me. I cannot fully explain what it's like to have a brain that does things that you do not want it to do or be.

My Father never even taught me about drugs and alcohol. Being that he was in his own addiction, it makes sense that he was only in the business of self-seeking. It makes me very angry that he was working in the inner city and was very aware of what drugs and alcohol could do to people. I was incredibly naive. I'm grateful that Goddess was able to speak through my intuition that it was best to go to college locally. I know that if I had gone away that there is no telling what kind of depravity I would have sought out for the attention I so desperately wanted. Of course, I sought it out later in my addictive years.

I speak about my sexual abuse when I speak at AA meetings. I want people to know that they are not the only ones that went through that. And maybe someone in there is thinking of harming a child and by my courage they may change their minds and seek help. I had a young man come up to me and thank me for speaking about the abuse as it gave him strength. I could see the pain in his eyes and know that someone had hurt him.

If you have read all the way through this, I thank you. I write this as a bit of catharsis in dealing with the varying levels of healing. I spent 16 years in addiction trying to seek something that could never be found. Today with Sobriety and the Grace of the Goddess, I have that peace and enlightenment. I do plan to work with a counselor and receive some EMDR to deal with the PTSD. I hope for much continued healing.

I earnestly pray for the souls that are affected by abuse and human trafficking. I pray that my Daughters and your children be kept safe. This world is a very ugly place. But today I do not have to be controlled by the history of my pain.

I first tried Marijuana when I was 19 years old. I remember drinking alcoholically at that same age. The drink made me become angry, fighting and hateful. From then on I spent 16 years of my adult life under the influence in my disease of addiction.

I didn't get sober until I was 35 years old. My daughter was 11. In those 16 years I had put myself and those around me through endless turmoil and despair. I know I warped the mind of my young child. She now manifests that life through severe anxiety.

I never knew how truly sick I was. I knew I was addicted to drugs. I knew that I didn't like the way that I felt. I knew the empty feeling of the hollow, aching scream in my soul. I tried and failed to fill that hollow with drugs, alcohol, sex and anything else I could find.

My last drunk was in Maui, Hawaii. I poured the second drink, blacked out and finished the bottle right there. Normal people do not do things like this. I am not normal.

I decided to get sober, dropped the drinks and drugs but not the benzos. I just thought I had to go back to work and be a mother. Little did I know that I had a serious mental illness that wanted me dead.

At about 3 weeks sober, my mind began to run wild. I ran to the rooms of AA and tried to go to meetings. I did not know that there was a complete life change and work involved in order to stay sober. I just went to meetings. Sadly, that was no enough.

I lasted for 77 days before I absolutely lost my mind.

I woke up the morning of November 29th, 2012. I got my Daughter off to the bus. I then went home and tried to plan how to hang myself. I half-assed attempted to hang myself. I passed out and fell, breaking my skull. I woke up upstairs in my bed with a bleeding ear.

This was my rock bottom. I had lost my home and job and custody of my daughter. I was in the psych ward for the 3rd time. At this point I am grateful I understood that life had become unmanageable. I knew I was powerless over the disease in my head.

I still didn't understand that I was an alcoholic. I was a binge drinker, I looked down on the people who drank everyday all day. There I sat in my neck brace asking if I was really an alcoholic. The sponsor asked me what happened when I did drink. My ego fell. I knew that bad things happened almost every time I drank, I was unpredictable when I drank. I asked her if that meant I was an alcoholic, she said yes. Damn...

From then on I have worked my program, ran through 8 sponsors, been through the steps, moved, changed jobs multiple times but above all, did not give up. I have sponsees and a sponsor whom I adore. I enjoy working with others. My life today is amazingly perfect.

I had to surrender to the fact that I was sick, different than normal people and I needed help. I had to surrender to the fact that I needed to work the program and do what others told me to do. I had to rely on my higher power to quell the obsession to use chemicals to alter my mind.

In my nursing career I have encountered plenty of humans who's souls that have left this earthly plane. I have seen babies and the old lying there, lifeless and cold. I have never been afraid of their bodies.

I have taken dead babies to the pathology lab to be examined. I have dressed up these stillborn children, placed flowers near them and taken pictures of them for their grieving parents. I even took a dead baby into its mother for her to hold. I have had to tell two teenagers that their mother had passed. I have washed and wrapped dead adults in body bags to be picked up by the mortuary. I've seen the spirit of a nun at a Catholic hospital that was watching over the newborns and their mothers there.

Perhaps death will always be around me. I work now in hospice and pick up the phone often to hear a family member tell me that their loved one has passed. Many nurses tell me that they could not do this line of work.

The issue is that the ghosts know I can feel them, they know I believe in them, the try to get my attention.

I was attuned to Reiki when I was in nursing school. I believe that my psychic mind was opened and I was then able to experience the other side from then on.  One of my earliest experiences was seeing a demon in front of a woman's face. The demon was a black cloud with yellow eyes and teeth. I did not understand what I had seen. I know today that this woman was possessed or oppressed and that demon wanted me to know it.  I once saw a short, stocky Hispanic man stare through me to the back of my skull with black eyes. Evil is real. This one really did throw me off balance.

I've had many ghost experiences in hospitals in California and in Tennessee. I've heard them cry for help, had curtains move when I was alone in the room. I've heard them scream, seen them walk in front of me. I soon found that I was able to communicate with them mentally. Oncology floors were always haunted.  The one that we chased out of Encino hospital did follow me home but she took off when she realized that I knew it was her. She had committed suicide in a back room. Her name was Elaine or so she told me.

My current facility is quite haunted. I saw a black ethereal mist going up a wall on the first day I was here. I've seen a hazy but colored full-body apparition in supervisors office.  I know they know that I can sense them. And I still wish I could be more in touch with them. If only to help them. I have prayed for my psychic awareness to develop. It wasn't until I began working in hospice that they began to follow me home and stay there.

Its happened twice now.  The first experience was at my condo, the other was in the house I live in now. They have both unlocked doors, turned on A/C units or Heaters and turned down bed sheets. This kind of behavior is not something I accept. They cannot act like they are living in my home rent free. I don't like my home being invaded.

The first time I got the spirit, whom I believe was a female, to leave was by yelling and demanding she leave. I ran around the home, silently screaming and burning sage. I came back to the middle of the home and I felt her surprise that I wanted her gone. I then, more vigorously ran around and demanded she leave. The doors stayed locked, the A/C did not come on anymore on its own.

The second was much more peaceful. I cleared out the back room, burnt some incense and spoke of the spirit. I could not tell its gender but I think it was female. While I was about to enter a doorway, I felt a thick spiderweb sensation on my left arm. I truly believe the spirit was touching my arm, asking me to let it stay. I then felt like I had its attention. My step-daughter and I held hands and walked it out the back door. Again, no more happenings without explanation.

Now there is a 3rd one, a man. He has been much more noisy even in front of others in my home. I heard him walking up and down my hallway while I was trying to nap. I have a feeling he would be harder to get rid of. So far he is just being noisy. I might let him hang around. I hope he does not cause trouble like the others had.

I do wish they'd stop following me home, though. I often don't remember to tell them to not follow me home or to protect my home. I get lazy and forget to protect myself. I knew when this last one was following me, I could hear an odd sound in the feedback on my cell phone. I need to remember to salt my shoes and reapply the brick dust to my doorways.

I wish I could tell my company that their grounds are haunted. I wish they would have a psychic come and cleanse the place twice a year. But, how do I go and ask these things without looking like I've lost my mind? I may present a letter like this anonymously.

The last two Halloweens I've been here and  I spoke to the spirits before I left, asking them to cross over. Things did quiet down a bit after that. I now place salt in my shoes and have sprinkled brick dust on the entrances to my house. Hopefully they will no longer follow me home. I don't forget to speak to them before I leave the property that they are dead and they need to stay where they are or crossover.