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I’m having a bit of nostalgia. If she’s around, I’d like to thank her. As an awkward kid trying to find themselves, this story made me feel like I wasn’t alone. It was okay to go ahead and write about things that were risqué and things that not everyone was comfortable with. It was okay to write what you wanted, not just what you thought was “normal.”

I had been writing fan fiction for a few years when I found the story. This was back in the day of email mailing lists and AOL chat rooms. I think it was written in 1999? Back at the point where you almost had to know someone who knew someone to find good fan fic starring your OTP. I can’t believe how far everything has come just since I’ve started writing.

There was a confession today that asked what the surviving band members would do if one of them died. Which made me think of the fact that, in fact, that almost was reality in the not-so-distant past.

Which made me remember That Walk. Which started a flood of memories surrounding That Walk that I really shouldn’t have been thinking about at work, because even now, even what? 7 year later? 8? I’ve lost count.

Back up. There was a night were Isaac almost died. It was during / after a show in Dallas, TX. He went to the hospital after the show. We drove back to Tulsa in the pouring rain after the bus driver telling us that they were not going straight to Tulsa from Dallas. That was the point where we knew something was happening.

Woke up to hear that the show was canceled and we should turn on the local news. There sat Zac and Taylor, looking more tired than I have ever seen them, in the same clothes they had on when we left the night before. They were saying the show was canceled, that Isaac was sick. But from the way they looked…you just knew it had to be more than that. They looked so close to breaking. It was hard to see them that way.

Then Taylor said the unbelievable: the walk scheduled for 3pm would still take place and they hoped everyone would still show up. How could they look like that and still be holding a walk? It didn’t seem mentally healthy for them to still to try to be “Hanson” at that point. But Taylor gave a smile I’m sure he thought looked genuine, but those in the fandom knew better.

A little before 3, we arrived at Cains, the location of the walk. Along with seemingly every press reporter in Tulsa. Taylor and Zac came out. Zac saw the press and looked ready to run, but Taylor just gave him a pleading look, a look that clearly said if Zac ran, so would he, and how would that look? So Zac stayed. He could barely look at all the cameras fixed on him. Taylor was visibly trembling as he talked, just load enough for the cameras but what he hoped was not loud enough for the fans.

I heard a few words. Blood clot. Lungs. Surgery. Not sure of his status. Hopeful he’d be okay.

How…how could these boys be doing this right now? How could they be in Tulsa in front of fans when they did not even know if their brother was going to be okay? 

Zac didn’t say a word. He didn’t seem like he was even there. It was the definition of going through the motions. He would periodically flinch or swallow back tears on something Taylor was thinking, but that was the only indication that he hadn’t had a complete mental break.

Taylor, bless him, was trying so hard to seem okay. He had changed closed, but you can tell he still had not slept. The shaking refused to stop as he talked, either to the press or to the fans. He tried so hard to brush off what was happening, thanking the fans for coming. Saying that they came back because they knew people were already in town for the show and they didn’t want to leave us hanging.

The came back…..for the fans? They left Dallas, where their brother could very possibly be dying, for the fans.

That was the first time I actually felt horrible for being a fan. This wasn’t where they were supposed to be at this moment. It was more than a bandmate in the hospital in Dallas; that was their brother. That was their family. It was deeper than the band. They were worried about Isaac because he was their guitarist. Guitarists can always be replaced.

They were possibly losing someone closer to them than we can imagine. And they left the hospital. Left Dallas. Left before they knew he would be okay.

For. The. Fans.

At that point, I wanted to turn around and leave. This wasn’t fair to them. If we weren’t there, they wouldn’t be there. If we weren’t in Tulsa, waiting for them, they would be in Dallas, where they belonged.

But the walk still happened, despite everything. It shouldn’t have. There was no reason for it to happen. But it happened.

The feeling of That Walk was so different than any other walk I had ever been on, either before or since. It was a feeling of not knowing if this was the last walk that would ever be held, because no one knew if there would still be a Hanson. It was somber and reflective. 

A couple fans were crying as they walked. 

We all felt a seachange happen with That Walk. It happened like a wave crashing over the fans as we realized that what we had with these boys was all at once fragile and deep. Something that could be shattered at a moments notice, but also something strong enough to survive even moments like the one we were experiencing together. We were woven together in ways typically reserved for the closest families.

At one point, I was walking near Zac, who was surrounded by friends and checking his phone constantly. You can tell he was afraid of what the next text may say, but he was desperate for it to be delivered anyway. I caught his eye and smiled sadly at him. I was already crying as I walked, but it seemed okay at that point.

He gave me the same smile and mouthed “Thank you.”

Thank me? For what? Making him leave Dallas? That hardly seemed like a good thing.

Then I realized: Thank you for being there. Thank you for surrounding him with the love and support they needed at the moment.

They didn’t come home out of responsibility to us. They came home because they knew that they were safe with us. That we understood. That we would be their strength they didn’t have at the moment and hold them together when the world was shattering.

The realization was both beautiful and heartbreaking. I will wished they weren’t walking beside us. But I realized that if they had to be anywhere besides Dallas, I was glad they were at least with people they trusted to keep their hearts safe.