freedomxbaby

That is what you get for believing right away. You let him plant seeds of lies on your mind and expected him to hand you a bouquet of scarlet roses with every petals screaming “I love you” every time you caress them. Instead, he stabbed you with thorns and threw blames on your body until your bones are fractured and your skin is bleeding. Still, you ask him to come back. Still, with your shattered stupid heart, you showered him with apologies as you wait for him to tell you how much he misses you at night. Still, you welcome him with open arms as he called you his home. Still, you let him kill you once again. You, silly little girl, how could you let him ruin you like that? You handed your heart with a smile on your face and he took it along with your sanity and grace. You spent your days writing poetry to a man who robbed your laughter and replaced it with tears. You threw away your dreams, your time, your logic, your everything for a fantasy of a future that will never happen. What made you think that his darkness is an invitation to a forever you wanted to hold? What made you think that the words he has written for you run deep into his veins? What made you think that tormenting you the way he did is just an act of affection? He knocked down your walls and called you beautiful when you were lying on the floor as you begged for him to stay. He murdered you with silence and went back to your door just as when you were starting to forget. He told you he loves you then he watched you break down as he left you without any word again. Now, you call it love? Listen here, my dear, you are not living inside the fairy tale you used to read ten years ago. He is not a prince; He is a phantom that mentally manipulates you until you are doomed to write about his ghost forever. He is an architect of a haunted house of memories that never existed and he wanted you to visit it everyday until you are swimming in puddles of your own tears. He is cruel and you are just one of his victims. Wake up. Release yourself from the shackles he tied you in. Walk away from his spell. There is no use in resurrecting something that was never born at the first place. Take back your pieces. Retrieve your words. Learn how to live once again without his name dancing through your throat.

I hate your sole existence even from the start. I have one single reason why I hate you. It is not logical enough, I know but I really hate you for that. Hate me for hating you, I really don’t care. I am so jealous of you even if I have no reasons to be. And sometimes my insecurities overwhelm me because of you. And these are all because I love my man so much and I am just protecting that precious thing I have. But with all honesty and not being a hypocrite, I really could not blame you for wanting and loving my man. Let’s face it, I know for a fact that there is nothing wrong in loving him in spite of you knowing that cold stabbing truth that you can’t have him because he already have me. I feel sorry for you but I salute you for having a brave heart of loving someone who is already in love with someone else. Of course we can’t ignore that slightest possibility that he might have fell for you if he had not known me or maybe he might have if he was not with me. But he assured me that there would not be any single chance of him loving you because he doesn’t have any feelings for you since from the start. I don’t know which one hurts more; you can’t have him because he doesn’t have any feelings for you even when he was single or you can’t have him because he already have me. Either of that, the reality still hurts. It must suck loving someone who is in love with someone else. There must be an invisible lump on your throat every time you think of me for having him. There must be a growing monster inside your stomach consuming every thing in your body, making you feel sick, draining your energy and weakening your bones whenever you think you are not the reason why he is happy. Your chest must tighten and must freaking ache every time you hear him endlessly talk about me. It must be hell waking up to every day loving someone who can’t love you back. But you can’t help having feelings for him. And I am not invalidating your feelings. You must have fell in love with his thoughts. He has a beautiful mind. I adore the way he views the world, the things he wanna do for his family, the way he loves extremely hard and the way he wants to live his life. It is very fascinating. He changed my perspectives in a lot of ways already. He must have changed yours too. He is also very smart, very adorable and he always have back up plans. He is very futuristic and always ready and I freaking love it. I freaking love his dreams. I freaking love how he chases it, how he makes them come true. I freaking love how he keeps his word. I freaking love how responsible he is. I freaking love his maturity. I freaking love it that he is very clingy, very sensitive and very demanding. I freaking love everything about him. I freaking love every single thing about him. You must have freaking loved it too. You must have seen his heart, his intentions that are so pure, and his beautiful soul. He is one of the most kindhearted person I know. He is very compassionate, specially to those who are in need, those who are poor and those who are homeless. You must have felt that burning willingness of him to help. He is a very fine young man. God, any girl would be so proud for being his. Any girl would feel so blessed and the luckiest for having him. His personality alone can sweep you off your feet. What more if you see him smile that could really melt even those who have cold-stoned and high brick-made walls in their hearts. What more if you see that look in his eyes that could give you so much hope, so much light, that could make you feel like home, that could make you forget any sadness and bitterness you have felt because of this cruel world. What more if you see his handsome face every girl wants to wake up to every morning, that handsome face every girl wishes their babies would look exactly like. What more if you see his body you would be craving so much and your fingers and mouth would be begging to explore them, to touch every single part of him. He is perfect for me. You must have also seen his perfection. You must have also hated me. You must have wanted me to vanish from his life. You must have wished he had not known me. I am sorry but he is mine. There is no way I will let you have him. There is no way I will let anyone else have him. He is too ideal, too good to be true, and I am not that dumb to let that precious perfect person go. He is mine and I am sorry that you can’t have him. I am sorry that I am the one he loves and not you. Girl you have to move on. Save yourself from heartbreaks. I wish you will meet the man for you soon enough. Just wait. But don’t wait for my man. Because I am sure as hell he is not the man for you.

Tapos?

people live for the weekends, drink until they forget their names, to cover their heartache with headache, curse the monday morning with a coffee to-go, and pretend to be fine,  and pretend this is a good life.

The other night, I asked my mother if she could sing me to sleep because I can’t find any direction that will lead me to dreamland. She looked at me, patted my head and said, “Try counting sheep”. I told her I have been counting flocks of sheep ever since I was a kid but it never really made me drowsy then she told me, “Try walking so you could shush your thoughts”. And so I did; I walked down the memory lane and it broke me. I badly want to ask you why your hands became greasy on my hold; why in my lowest point, you chose to be weak, too. But I can’t blame you. Ever since you locked each door of possibility for the both of us, I took a journey to look for the keys. Now, I’ve grown exasperated of finding something you don’t want me to find. I’m done with it.