My thoughts on the Artemis III announcement

i had been looking forward to this so much.

obviously, i had my expectations (and hopes) about who would become the next Artemis astronaut. but i had made a deal with myself that no matter who the woman was, i would be excited for her.

i had even convinced myself that maybe i’d get lucky and see two women take on a role on Artemis III

with so many incredibly qualified women in the astronaut corps, i wasn’t really in doubt that whoever got selected would be the right person for the job.

honestly? it never crossed my mind that there wouldn’t be a woman on Artemis III.

and when they only had the commander left to announce, i was convinced it would be a woman.

it wasn’t. out of the five people introduced, every single one was a man.

not all of them were white men. but they were men nonetheless. and that surprised me more than i expected.

christina koch had started a wave. a wave of joy. a wave of pride. we all saw, a woman thrive in a male dominated field. 

and for a moment, her presence made it feel like the future had cracked open. and then it didn’t.

i’ve heard a lot of different numbers thrown around, but they all seem to land somewhere around 40.

around 40% of NASA’s active astronauts are women. so i find myself wondering how not a single woman was qualified enough to be considered for one of these positions.

but i do wonder. i wonder why, when there are so many qualified women in the astronaut corps, we once again ended up with an all-male moon-crew.

because here’s the thing:

i hate when conversations like this immediately get reduced to “well, surely they just picked the most qualified people.”

that isn’t me claiming NASA picked bad candidates. it isn’t me saying these astronauts don’t deserve their seats.

what i am saying is that a 100% male crew feels statistically improbable when women make up such a significant portion of the astronaut corps.

if the process was entirely gender-neutral, you would expect women to show up in these prestigious roles too.

and before someone says i’m projecting politics onto space:

my love for space isn’t dependent on whether a woman gets there first.

the universe itself is genderless.

assigning a gender to the cosmos would be kind of ridiculous.

but when i watch my opportunities become smaller because i’m a woman, then gender suddenly becomes relevant.

not because i made it relevant.

because it already was.

i wish i could convince myself that the people selected were simply the most qualified.

i really do. but i can’t. and honestly?

there’s probably something inside me that never will.

because if they can convince us that a decision was made purely on qualifications — even if it wasn’t — then they’ve won.

and women’s rights have always been built on angry women.

if we want equality, women have to allow ourselves to be angry.

so i remain angry.

not at the five undoubtedly brilliant men who get the opportunity to fly Artemis III.

but at the system that made sure one of those seats didn’t go to a woman.

because of course i hope the selected astronauts have an incredible mission.

but there’s still a woman missing.

Thank you Integrity <3

memento vivere means remember to live.

which is funny, because the phrase people usually say is memento mori, remember you must die. very dramatic, and honestly, for a long time, i might have been carrying that around.

i found memento vivere on tiktok a while ago. the fact that i found it on there is embarrassing - but also very on brand for me. but since then, it sat with me, and i only just realized, why. i have spent so much time being afraid of death that i forgot there was another half of the sentence. not just: you are going to die ‘memento mori’. but also: you are alive right now. 

right before artemis ii took off, my death anxiety had been sitting in my passenger seat, backseatdriving. not always loud, but always there. this constant little background process running in my body. like i had an expiration date, and the not-knowing was somehow worse than the knowing would have been.

but then the mission happened, which then made me watch interviews with the crew to escape the gaping whole the end of their journey left in me. something in the way Christina Koch talked about both her life and job as an astronaut and mission specialist, made the fear loosen its grip. i don’t think fear like that just evaporates. but it stopped being the whole room.

her saying life is long, and you need to do what fulfills you, gave me a sense that the whole point of life was not to conquer the unknown, but to remain curious inside it. to look at something enormous, that makes you feel small, and not immediately translate it into doom. to let awe be bigger than panic.

i think that changed me.

i still get scared. the universe is still fucking big. and death is still the ending of my part in it. the fact that we are all just little nervous mammals walking around on a rock, doom-scrolling on tiktok and wondering what everyone thinks of us, is still insane to me.

but lately, when i think about how small i am, it doesn’t only make me feel doomed. sometimes it makes me feel free. and that is something Christina Koch gave me.

my existence is so tiny in the big, impossible whole, so maybe i do not have to spend all of it bracing for impact. maybe i can use the time i have to look around. to learn things. to get the most out of what the world has to give me, as possible.

yesterday my mom said the infinite, unknowable part of the universe scared her. i understood that. of course i did. there is a kind of terror in not being able to explain everything. in knowing there are questions too large for your body to hold.

but in one of the interviews, one of the astronauts said something like that it is okay to be okay with knowing that not everything can be explained.

i keep thinking about that in relation to what my mom told me.

maybe that is what i am trying to practice - like finding the ability to stand in front of the enormous thing and not run away from it. but to accept that i will never now.

funnily enough, i told my mom that something that helps me with this fear, is thinking of life like minecraft, which sounds stupid, but bare with me. i think the reason i love that game is because the world is endless. you could walk in one direction forever and there would always be more. another biome. another cave. another weird little mountain. another place to build a house and fill it with torches so zombies wouldnt get in.

i think that is what i want life to feel like. i want to feel like an explorer, in a small way, by asking the right questions. questions that make it feel like i am always willing to have an ekstra look and investigate.

artemis II gave me that, i think. or reminded me that i used to have it. that childlike feeling of there being more. not just more to fear, but more to find. so maybe that is what the mission is for me now.

not something to defeat death anxiety with. or an allusion to be obsessed with some enlightened humble trailblazer-woman with nice biceps, who loves all tings that make her feel small (& looks really good in a backwards cap).

but a reminder to live.

to look up more often.

to let the unknown be a doorway sometimes.

to stop treating my life like evidence of an ending and start treating it like an invitation.

cherry flavoured - falsegodlife on ao3

the mood board:

the playlist:

1. First woman to enter deep space, Christina Koch, went as a mission specialist to help test the preventative measures against the radiation that causes cancer in the ships, and primarily affects women. It affects men too but less so. Christina's literally so inspiring to me.

2. This mission and further Artemis missions are testing safety concerns to help push the boundary of what we've been able to explore up to this point. Safety is the primary purpose of the trip. This is the first step to exploring Mars and further planets! Including Europa (my beloved.)

3. Before this, only 24 humans have ever entered deep space. Of that 24, 5 are alive today and they're all in their 90s. We very much needed a newer trip to help confirm or change whatever information we had from years and years ago. Having 4 living testaments of space exploration is a very important part of keeping said exploration alive.

4. Even though it wasn't the primary purpose of the trip, we've gotten so many rare pictures! Including my favorite "Hello, World" taken by commander Reid Wiseman:

It's the second photo EVER to have a fulll illuminated Earth hemisphere, the first being "Blue Marble". All other photos of the Earth have been spliced. Blue Marble was taken during the day and Hello, World was taken at night (the exposure has been lifted for clarity). It's my new favorite photo, it's so beautiful.

More things I've learned since making this post!!

5. Victor Glover, the first black person to enter deep space! Definitely very important, I can’t believe I missed this!

6. Jeremy Hansen, the first Canadian (and non American) to enter deep space! Having an international crew is so important and so cool.