M.S. Fighting Beauty Queen

My family and friends who love me

Filipino, Chinese, & Spanish ancestries and Tingguian Tribe.

fellow MS fighters 

cat/dog loving hoomans and hoomoms

young Canadians

beauty queens - due to my time as Miss Galaxy Toronto 2019 & Etobicoke’s Perfect Miss 2017

gamechangers and the underdogs who always get underestimated.

archers ♥

Since some of us are returning back to school, here's my journey with Police Foundations (PFP). Before York University, there was Humber College. My journey with Police Foundations began sometime in 2012. It was the year that my 17-year old self will be graduating from high school at the time. My final semester at high school had two spares, an online course + in-person course, and a dual credit course. A dual credit course is where high school students can enroll in one of the participating courses that colleges/universities are offering at the time. Turns out, I was one of the few students in my high school that took a chance to participate in it. Thinking back, I was so happy that I took it because it made my transition from high school to college a lot smoother. It even caught my VP's attention (& yes, I was called down to the office. Thankfully, I wasn't in trouble). I told him that I was happy and honoured to be enrolled in the course, but I told him that it was conflicting with my lunch schedule. So, he personally told one of my teachers to switch lunches for me. For that, I am very grateful to him. By the end of the semester, I got an 80 as my final mark (as a college & high school student), a free custom water bottle (which I still HAVE it with me at home), and Fridays off during the first semester as an exemption lol.

FIRST SEMESTER

Fast forward to September 2012 -- I was very excited to be a college student. I loved the courses et al. But, my only concern was GYM CLASS. You see, it was brutal... It felt like a military boot camp and I can see how the recruitment process for the police services across the country works. You basically need to be on top of your A-game. In terms of academia, it was alright for me and thankfully, it was my saving grace. Surprisingly, I had my English classes on a Saturday. It was weird, but it was alright because my colleagues were pretty nice. Thankfully, I was able to get an average of 70-something during the first semester. Outside of the courses, I was able to relax on Fridays, check out the gym, and even went on a horseback riding trip for fun once at Pleasure Valley. I met a new friend and her name was sugar.

SECOND SEMESTER

For the second semester, it was a bit lively on Fridays (especially during the winter) -- sadly, I didn't have Fridays off. Looking back, I'm happy that I didn't switch the scheduling on my course timetable. Fridays were fun because I had an awesome and funny professor. He was also very kind whenever I needed his help. Plus, while he was talking about the course content -- he would spill tea to us about golf, his cats, and his arguments about his wife lol.

For the academia side, I do have some tea to spill! So, I had a group project to complete with my colleagues for one of the courses which contain a presentation. Sadly, my research findings were not good enough for the group 'leader' and sent me a private email stating that they will not be using my findings and I will be just giving out candy to the class... One of my other friends (who I teamed up with to work on another class project together for Friday's course) saw the email as well. I was shocked and asked her what should I do? She told me to report it to the professor. Luckily, I was able to do so in my own way. I was able to submit my original research findings, the email, and a peer-reviewed survey that everyone in the class was required to do. Thinking back, I think it worked because all of us in the group got the same mark and half of my group talked to the professor outside of the class. He probably told them that email was unnecessary and my work was also valid. On my end, what I did was probably seen as petty. But, it worked lol.

Another part of academia in PFP had the CRIMINAL CODE aka the Bible! The Criminal Code was literally as sacred and heavy as the Holy Bible. Sadly, a lot of us had to spend HUNDREDS of dollars at the bookstore to purchase it. & I think this is where a lot of our back problems began. In terms of gym class, well -- I was lucky in a sense that I had a cute gym teacher and I was able to survive the course. In the end, I was able to maintain the average in the 70s percentile.

THIRD SEMESTER

The third semester was fun as well! This is where most of the squad came together. It consists of a lot of laughter and painful moments. But, the painful moments are usually from gym class. There was also a lot of on-campus sushi and movie marathons. I remember one time in class during the mornings that they were flying chocolates being thrown across the room. To be honest, we went coco for cocoa puffs lol. A few of us had to hide in order to avoid being hit by the chocolates. This is where my confidence in my marks continues to increase. I was able to get a couple of A's in my courses as my final mark. But, I wasn't able to get into the Honour Roll. (I was so close though). Ohh! In terms of gym class, this was when we got introduced to the obstacle course. The SAME one was used for recruitment purposes across Canada. Thankfully, PFP decided that gym class was officially a pass or fail-graded course. GOOD NEWS: I was able to complete the obstacle course. BAD NEWS: The 150-lb dummy drag was brutal! FOURTH SEMESTER The fourth semester was officially our FINAL semester. I was so happy to see the light at the end of the tunnel. BUT, as always, gym class will always be my kryptonite. I honestly really hate it! I wish it was optional. I would have ZERO concerns if I took math instead lol. I would have less anxiety and excelled more in class. At least, I was fine on the academic side. What's funny is that I NEARLY FAILED gym class because I wasn't able to complete the mile and a half run. So, my gym teacher gave me a final shot to do the beep test on the last day of gym class (after dodgeball lol). My goal was to run up to LEVEL 4 on the BEEP TEST. Thankfully, she was let me run with one of my closest friends. 40 laps later, I was able to pass gym class and graduate from the whole PFP program.

After we graduated, we have all went our separate ways. We have reunited for a couple meet-ups of foodventures and movie marathons over the years. & now, we have teamed up once again to stay connected due to COVID-19. To be honest, it's like we never left and I am so grateful to all of them for playing a HUGE role! We are continuing to use the PFP motto: To strive above and beyond in everything we do.

Thank you Humber College and Police Foundations for bringing them into my life during our two-year journey. They are my family! Part of my PFP dream was for all of us to be roommates. It would have been more fun lol.

While the vaccines were in the works... I watched the news very carefully each day to see Health Canada's approval and to see when the vaccine distributions would come to life in Ontario since my neurologist told me that the mRNA vaccines (like Pfizer and Moderna) are safe for people with MS.

Thankfully, the provincial government released the three-phase plan that will ensure a safe transition to the economy and normalcy (whatever that means lol). For MS-fighters, it means we are part of PHASE TWO because we are classified as INDIVIDUALS WITH HIGH(EST)-RISK CHRONIC CONDITIONS. I had to take a step back and process everything because it was a lot of information to take in. I was happy that I was able to get the vaccine sooner -- but, just seeing the words [Individuals with high-risk chronic conditions] made me really nervous and want to do a countdown until APRIL.

Eventually, I was able to get in touch with my neurologist's office to request a LETTER OF DIAGNOSIS as proof for my upcoming vaccination appointments after the news reported that one of the hospitals in the GTA was offering appointments for individuals with high-risk chronic conditions a couple of weeks prior to April. Sadly, I wasn't able to get those spots -- but, that's okay. To be honest, I was happy to obtain the sacred letter.

Now, this is where it gets messy... So, the first time that I tried to book my vaccine appointment -- EVERYTHING WAS FULLY BOOKED! -_-" I was so pissed off, I had to call the City of Toronto to help me book it. Sadly, there weren't able to. They felt really bad for me over the phone and told me to try booking it earlier on the next day at 8am. On the next day, I made sure to wake up and have breakfast earlier for vaccine bookings. It was a ROYAL RUMBLE! Back then, the Ontario government's website told me that I had to contact my doctors to book an appointment on my behalf. However; we both know that is not the case. I brought up the inaccessibility issue with my neurologist's office and they have sent me another website containing the bookings with the hospitals.

AS OF APRIL 11, I WAS 50% vaccinated with MODERNA thanks to the doctors & nurses from NORTH YORK GENERAL HOSPITAL via Seneca Newnham Campus. The process for registration and check-in contained four line-ups lol, (and no, I DID NOT get a sticker). The doctor who gave me the first of Moderna was very kind and told me that I should keep a heads up from the Ontario government because there was a chance that I may get my second dose earlier due to my MS condition. From there, I was able to thank her for everything she has done. 15 mins later, I was able to return home with my mom and treated ourselves to desserts.

Now, you're probably wondering about the aftermath lol. To be honest, this is where it also gets interesting because I knew I was expecting to have a sore arm that lasted for a few days. However; I was also experiencing itchiness on the same arm the week after. It turns out I was going to be fine after contacting Googling my side effect and contacting the City of Toronto. I was letting the vaccine do its thing and telling my internal systems that it will be okay too.

The provincial government announced that we were able to get the second dose sooner than later during PHASE TWO of the vaccine rollout distribution. Eventually, I got an email from North York General Hospital that gave me a link to let me rebook my appointment.

Originally, it was supposed to be in August, however... AS OF JUNE 15, I'M FULLY VACCINATED thanks to the doctors & nurses from NORTH YORK GENERAL HOSPITAL! Thankfully, I was able to get the second dose directly from the hospital's site. The doctor was such a sweetheart and made my visit even more wholesome and worthwhile. 15 mins later, I was able to return home and treated myself to Thai food from a local restaurant nearby in the neighbourhood.

CONTENT WARNING [CW]: Mentioning distressing themes of pain!

In terms of the aftermath, I knew I was expecting a sore arm, BUT... I wasn't able to fall asleep at night because, I had a sore arm, PLUS chills and A LOT of pain. It was so bad to a point where I ended up crying and calling out for my late grandparents to help me out. Eventually, I was able to fall asleep for five hours and let my sore arm continue to heal for the rest of the week. On the next day, I was expecting to let the pain continue, however; it disappeared and I felt better.

What's cool about this journey is that I was the last one in my family to get the first dose. But, I was the first one to be fully vaccinated. [& yes, thankfully my parents are also fully vaccinated as well!]

Welcome back, everyone! I know Part One contained A LOT of tea... I hope, part two will be okay for you ♥.

So, things were going great after the lockdown -- you would think that the worst was over... But, COVID decided to say "Nahhh bruh! Not this time" -_-". That's when the world got mad and had no choice but, to eventually go on another lockdown for the SECOND WAVE... (Thankfully, I was able to celebrate my birthday prior to it).

Two days later (after my birthday), I was trying to keep myself busy while the cases are trying to drop during the second lockdown. I was focused on prepping for grad school and volunteering virtually. I knew I had to be on my A-game and manifest my dreams, hopes and desires to the universe, (or in my case, a galaxy far, far away lol). I was consistent, but at the same time, exhausted because I just wanted to go out and spend time with my loved ones without living in fear of COVID. Even though, I am used to staying at home with my family -- I do enjoy my freedom and living my life.

When 2021 arrived, I felt that things were going to get better in the future. BUT, to be honest, it was very difficult to visualize it because Ontario's approach of handling the lockdown was AND STILL is a DISASTER! There were a lot of factors to see which businesses are considered 'essential', (especially the small, local businesses who are struggling). Seeing some of them shutting down broke my heart. It really made me just want to go out and buy the items and/or take-out.

Given that Toronto is a major city, we have also been placed under stay-at-home orders to keep the case number down. It was totally understandable (and for good reasons too)! It definitely felt like an eternity and I just wanted to be free from this mess. This lockdown made me not want to go grocery shopping during the weekends due to the long, busy line-ups and reduced in-person capacity shopping in stores. Thus, it would be a mission that takes several HOURS to complete! Even if the stay-at-home orders would be lifted in some other parts of the province, it would not happen for the 6ix. So, we all knew that this will take a long while before we can resume to normal... (Whatever normal means...)

In terms of waiting for the mRNA vaccines to come to life... well, there's that too! As an MS-fighter, it is exhausting to fight two opponents at once (like a handicap match). But, I knew that waking up each day and doing my best is all that counts and that my friends are a part of a VICTORY right there!

To be honest, COVID-19 and its lockdowns feel like an eternity, but I am lucky that I am still here to share my lived experiences with all of you. In terms of where I should start -- well... let's go back to Friday, March 13, 2020. (& yes lol, I said FRIDAY THE 13th). On that day, it was my official last day of my work-study position as a Lab Monitor at York University. I was carrying out my duties at the Assistive Technology Lab as usual and one of the staff members told me that I can leave early. From there, it was bittersweet and thanked them for everything.

After I left, I had to take care of a few items as the President of the Social Science Student Association (SSSA) at the time. Sadly, I had to cancel the club's upcoming Mental Health event due to the pandemic. My team and I were very disappointed. At that point, my main concern for them was their safety and overall well-being. At the same time, my mom and I knew we had to cancel our trip to the Philippines. Since the world locked up their borders to contain the virus -- my mom and I knew we HAD to do the same at home. Hence, we stocked up on our essentials and got ready for the FIRST WAVE AND LOCKDOWN!

While the world was at a standstill of avoiding the pandemic and hoarding toilet paper... my mom and I are at home as usual with our cat, Cindy. If anything, staying at home throughout my childhood upbringing played a HUGE role for me to survive the lockdowns. (Thanks mom and dad)! For the first few months, we just watched the news while I was completing my remaining assignments and presentations for my courses. & yes, I had completed them on time and got great marks in the end. Thankfully, the high marks for the two remaining courses that I had to take made me eligible to apply for GRAD SCHOOL. I was able to apply to graduate (after 6 YEARS, 2 STRIKES AND A COVID VIRUS) lol. Surprisingly, York University delivered my graduation box (along with my degree and certificate that were framed by the campus' bookstore). My mom was so proud of me, she decided to display my accolades in the living room lol.

We have also reached out to my dad because he was stuck in lockdown in the Philippines where his hometown had a security checkpoint in each city. Sadly, he was not allowed to return home to Toronto at the time. So, my mom and I kept a close eye on him to see the current state of his overall well-being. We have also sent him money to ensure that he is able to get refills for his medications.

However; as time went on after May 2020 (which was his original date of returning home had difficulties accessing (lack thereof) medications from the doctors/pharmacies.

From there, that was when I got really concerned and knew that my dad must return home as soon as possible. Thankfully, one of the local police officers in my dad's hometown offered to escort him to the airport in Manila. In the end, my dad was able to come home safely after his long flight from Manila and was to isolate in quarantine for two weeks.

In terms of my squad, my college friends and I teamed up once more by having our group chats and video calls to do mental health checks on each other as well. Our vibes have always been the same since day one. Our talks from the past from gym class to food and beyond have continued to make it so wholesome. If we can survive and graduate from Police Foundations and gym class in 2014, then we can continue to hold it down by taking it day by day with COVID. I'm very thankful for having them in my life ♥. The best part is: we had a bit of a foodventure via POTLUCK after the first lockdown in the summer. It was fun and I made them bring a lot of food that will last them for 1-2 weeks xD.

I also got in touch with my neurologist via Zoom due to my six-month follow-up. Prior to my appointment, I always thought that I was at HIGH-RISK of getting COVID-19 due to my MS condition. Thankfully, my neurologist told me that I'm not. BUT, she told me to continue to follow public health guidelines, take my Tecfidera and labwork (as usual) and stay safe.

For the past five years, I have been wondering if there is any progress or signs of hope that indicate a cure... I would say -- not yet (until now). Actually, it began earlier this year on January 2021 when I found out from one of the fellow MS-fighters who sent the news to me via IG. From there, I was intrigued and I had to go to the MS Society of Canada's website and look it up for myself... (because I need receipts). Plus, a part of me felt that it was too good to be true... Anyways, it brought so much great news and excitement to me and my family. I'm so happy that BioNTech is doing research on it.

BioNTech is using their mRNA vaccine technology, (yep, the same one they're using for Pfizer), to treat MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS. I'm not sure how long that has been in the works, but I'm so happy that this is the case. According to the article, researchers are in the early stages of testing it on mice. Based on my understanding, the vaccine has a specialized messenger RNA (called m1Ψ mRNA) coding for MS disease-related autoantigens. This will be used to prevent further MS attacks.

I was so excited and over the moon to hear about this amazing news. I shared it immediately with my family and friends. They were also very excited to hear that the mRNA technology will have another purpose to treat MS. I haven't heard any news regarding their ongoing progress since then. For that, I understand due to the current state with humanity and COVID-19. In terms of this potential MS vaccine -- I am not in a rush to get it. MS is VERY complex and the vaccine needs more time to harness its potential. But, there are also a few questions that came into my mind...

What is their current state of the research?

What inspired BioNTech to use mRNA technology to treat MS?

Do the world leaders and their respective governments know about this endeavour?

DISCLAIMER! As a heads up, I want to let you know that I am still learning about my roots, my family, and my ancestors' stories. I am NOT an expert, but I will continue to do my research and share my findings with all of you.

For those who don't know, June is officially Filipino Heritage Month in Canada (and recently in Ontario)! It has brought so much joy and pride knowing that the Filipinx community is being recognized for their contributions from coast to coast.

As a Filipina-Canadian who was born and raised as an immigrant on a beautiful land called Turtle Island (settler-colonially known as North America) -- I do acknowledge that my family and I are guests in Canada and my roots are from the Philippines. Part of my roots is from Northern Philippines in a province known as Abra.

It turns out, I am a descendant of an Indigenous Mountainous Tribe called Tingguian (meaning People in the Mountains) due to my paternal-grandmother. My ancestors had tattoos on their bodies with beautiful meanings (including beauty and honour). They were able to hunt and fish for food and weave baskets and dye the fabrics for clothing.

1-2 years ago, I was able to order a dark poncho made by the Tingguians in Abra via Pinas Sadya (a local Filipino shop). When it arrived On the front, it had red threads sewn on the borders while there are four frogs from all four directions (N, S, E, & W) facing the star in the middle on both sides. Based on what I was told: "The weaves with frogs are typically worn during the rainy season. It is the belief of the tribe that it pleases the gods and will give them a bountiful harvest". From that point on, I knew that I would wear it in April each year for April showers (and May flowers lol).

Overall, I am happy and grateful that I am a descendant of the Tingguian tribe. This is a really cool fact that not a lot of people know about me. To be honest, I don't blame them. Every day is a new learning opportunity and I see it with a glass half full. I'm so happy that I found out how my ancestors were like prior to Spain's colonial invasion. However; I wish my grandmother was still here to tell me how much she knows. As the granddaughter of the Seeker of knowledge and wisdom, I am living up to her name by learning and asking questions of my ancestors' past and their way of life. When I have kids in the future, I will be sure to tell them about this part from my side. It is important to learn about the past in order to have a better future for all of humanity.

Five years later... who knew that I would make it at this point, right?! Like COVID, I also didn't imagine what my ongoing journey would look like. I'm just here taking it day by day while constantly learning how MS can impact us. The fifth year also made me emotional because I came a long way from my journey. I'm healthy and thriving in a safe space with the support I needed while battling this entity.

I didn't know that others would want to hear my story at this time. I feel very responsible and accountable for sharing my story. I hope it gives them insights into what I (and many MS fighters) have to deal with on a daily basis. I don't blame you for being overwhelmed -- battling the unknown is a scary thought and it does scare me from time to time.

I have accepted for what it is and I will continue to fight until doctors and science can find a cure in the meantime. With MS, since it wants to fight me, then I'll bring it. I don't start fights -- I finish them & I promise you that I will finish the fight when there is a cure.

I promise you that I am hanging in there. People tell me all the time to be positive. But, I know that can be annoying and exhausting. (To be honest, I don't blame you. Your feelings and concerns are valid and should be allowed to address them). Hence, I have given myself some days off to relax and unwind with self-care. One example would be my cat (Cindy). I am thankful that Cindy provides herself with a great form as a stress reliever. Her cuteness and majestic self (or being) are what I love about her.

…And MS contains a lot of sour moments where it feels like an eternity. Other times, it may feel like a good day where it can be very rewarding. When it comes to my mental health with Multiple Sclerosis, the battle has and continues to give me a run for my money for the past five years. The learning experience never stops.

So, here's the breakdown of my mental health feat. MS for the past five years:

Year One

The first year contained a lot of uncertainty where my family and I feel very helpless of being unable to do anything about my MS in 2016. It brought a lot of worrisome, confusion and concerns about what the future has in store for me. The bittersweetness of being the only MS fighter in the family felt and (still feels) like I'm alone. I'm happy that no one else in my family has to deal with this. But, it sucks that I can't share it with someone else.

It was also annoying to deal with due to the newly developed symptoms (at the time). The headaches and back pains got me extremely worried to a point about whether or not if I needed a wheelchair in the future.

Although, if you're wondering if there were any good moments that occurred during that year... let's just say that I am thankful that I have a neurologist who believes in my story and wants to be part of my journey. (Thank God for her).

Year Two

Well... the second year was almost the same as the previous year. The only difference is MORE brain lesions appeared on my MRI scans. At that time, I tend to wonder what would happen to my brain had a lot more lesions than expected? I had more questions than answers regarding my condition. Does this mean that I need some kind of treatment to remove my symptoms or even my brain lesions? Part of me thought: "What if I had surgery to remove the lesions in my brain and spinal cord?" (Thinking back now... I knew it would be too risky for doctors to do that. PLUS, I'm not even sure that is a viable option for MS fighters).

Back then, my neurologist was concerned and wanted me to take medication (aka DMTs) to prevent more brain lesions to come inside my brain and spinal cord.

Year Three

It took me a lot to convince my mom to allow me to take the treatment. The fact that my tears helped made my case stronger; helped my mom understand how vital it was for me. I was also at ease because I can have some kind of medication that can help me battle MS and its symptoms.

(Now I know that some of you may be concerned about why I should be asking my mom's permission to get DMT while I'm over 19... Yes, I know I'm over 19 years. But, I was born and raised in a traditional Philippine Household. So, FAMILY IS EVERYTHING! PLUS, my mom has been attending the follow-up appointments with me since day one. Hence, her concerns are valid).

Thankfully, I was able to convince her and let me take it. I was so excited and ready to move forward in this journey. Usually, when we think of medications -- it's usually over the counter, main brands that we usually see. But, in this case with MS -- it means so much more. But first, my neurologist told me to get my bloodwork done to see if I'm ready to take it. Eventually, I passed and I cried when I first saw the parcel, it gave me tears of joy knowing that this can help me make me feel better.

It was exhausting at times when I had to stop taking it. I had experienced some chest pains a few times where it made me and my neurologist concerned. Luckily, my neurologist's solution was for me to have healthy foods and hearty fats. (& it has been working for me ever since).

At the same time, I was also still enrolled in my undergrad and taking the evening course from 7-10pm was exhausting... I had a lot of fatigue and was ready to go to sleep. But, I'm so happy that it was also my LAST evening course because that affected my physical and mental well-being. (In case if you were wondering about my mark -- it was a B).

Year Four

So happy that about 2019-2020 because this was the year that I've completed my undergrad studies where it literally took me SIX YEARS, TWO STRIKES AND A COVID-19 VIRUS. I was involved with campus life activities, work-study and two 6-credit courses. At that time, I was living my best life... UNTIL COVID CAME!

Sadly, I was supposed to visit the Philippines around May 2020, but I wasn't able to. (Plus, my grandmother would be disappointed in me if I didn't follow the health and safety rules). So, having my home under lockdown is just me reminiscing about my childhood upbringing.

At the end of my undergrad, I was able to get all A's and take a break for a year -- because studying can be exhausting. Thankfully, I was able to have a virtual appointment with my neurologist. Despite the current state of my MS condition, I'm at low risk of getting COVID-19. But, she told me to follow public guidelines anyways. Thus, I'm very content with her blessings.

Fast forward to the summer -- I surprisingly got my undergrad degree and certificate framed from York University. The parcel was heavy though... But, my mom was so hyped -- she decided to hang it up on the wall in the living room for everyone to see.

Another good news during the pandemic was GETTING A NEW BED FOR CHRISTMAS! (Thanks mom lol). Yeah, my back has been hurting me for a very long time. Hence, my mom decided to order it. Plus, it gives me one less item to worry about while battling MS.

Year Five (Present Day)

The story that I'm going to share felt like eons ago... But, at the same time, it almost feels like yesterday... As you can tell by the title of today's blog, I'll be discussing my battle with PTSD (also known as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Personally, when I first heard of PTSD, I would affiliate it with WAR in the battlegrounds against their enemies. Turns out, that my story is somewhat similar to it, however; who knew that it would take place in my own home.

My story began in 2015-2016 during my second year at York University. It took place during the Winter where it was just another ordinary day at home. An immediate family member called me over to help him with technological problems (as usual) (i.e.: Skype). This problem involved me helping him find one of his cousins and send a friend request. I tried to help, and I told him that his cousin is NOT there. So, he called me over again and he asked me to help him (again)… and I tried. BUT, still no luck... It went to a point where my father was frustrated, angry AND drunk.

He was really pissed off that I was not able to help him. The situation escalated even further when he got up and was about to assault me. I ran away from my parents' room, grabbed my cat (Cindy) immediately and ran inside to my room and locked ourselves in (which was in the basement at the time) and hid there in tears. I was shaken in fear and I did not know what to do. All I wanted to do was run away and move out of the house at this point... and since my home is not soundproof, I can hear him yelling at my mom and telling her what happened. He wanted to leave because I wasn't able to help him with finding his cousin on Skype. (I know, it's pretty petty when you think about it).

From there, I called one of my closest college/university friends and I slowly told her what happened. She was concerned for my safety and asked me if I'm doing okay, do I want to leave the house in the meantime and do I want to press charges? I told her that I was safe for now, but I don't want to leave my home and I don't want to call the authorities. I thanked her for listening to my story and I messaged her afterwards.

The next day was rough... I was able to get a decent amount of sleep, however; I was terrified... I didn't want to be near him due to his actions. So, I just stayed away and ate a little bit of breakfast. As the time went on... I still don't even want to be in my own home and I was constantly living in fear. It was so stressful to a point where I have even lost my own appetite and I had to assure my mom that I was fine. Sometime in November, I decided to check my weight for fun. Sadly, what I didn't expect was the number that I saw. Prior to my PTSD, I was 125 LBS. But, on that day, I was 95 LBS. The stress literally took its toll on my body -- it may me lose 20 lbs and that scared me...

Eventually, I decided to visit my Accessibility Counsellor on campus because I needed her help. I told her the story and she escorted me to book an appointment with the Mental Health and Wellness counsellors. From there, I was able to get my weekly counselling sessions on Fridays and it helped me A LOT! It was fun and was able to heal from my battles. She also told me that I should create a backup plan in case if a similar situation occurs and can potentially trigger my PTSD.

The following appointment was very productive! We were able to discuss my options from moving out to having a small group of people that I can trust. I was very pleased with the results and plan -- I was able to tell my mom and told her that in case if my PTSD returns because of him -- then, I will be with my aunt and cousin. My plan made sense to her because my aunt is my mom's sister and I can trust her and my cousin with my life. My mom told my aunt of how my PTSD began and my backup plan. My aunt had no problems with me spending time with them and I was told that my cousin was devastated by what I had dealt with.

As time went on, my winter semester ended, (along with my weekly counselling appointments). I felt accomplished and happy that I was able to do it during my second year. Sometime during the summer (after I first diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis), I had a really bad headache that I was trying to endure with all of my strength. It was so bad, I started to cry and eventually, as I was started to walk towards my room -- I nearly fainted and that's when my parents caught me. From there, he finally said sorry and that's when I forgave him while I was in tears.

First off, I want to personally thank you for reading my story. I understand that it is very personal, overwhelming and very triggering. Even though, it wasn't easy recounting the traumatic events -- I felt that I should share my stories on how I first battled my demons prior to my MS journey. So, here's my advice:

Even though, it is your own personal battle... I want you to know that you are NOT alone! PTSD can be scary and there is a group full of people who love and care about you deeply. They are here ready and willing to listen.

You can tell people your story when you're ready. No one is forcing you.

You can also seek counselling when you're ready! Battling PTSD is not easy and it can take its toll.

Have a backup plan and you can discuss it with your inner circle (the group of people that you trust).

If it gets worse, you have the option to report it to the authorities.

RESOURCES:

https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/mental-illness-and-addiction-index/posttraumatic-stress-disorder

Assaulted Women's Helpline: 1-866-863-0511 (Toll-Free) OR 416-863-0511 (Toronto)

In my previous post (Tecfidera and Me), my neurologist gave me her blessing to let me take the full maintenance dosage in May 2019-2020.

Everything was going GREAT for me UNTIL my 25TH BIRTHDAY. (So, I knew what I was getting myself into when I'm taking Tecfidera). My neurologist also told me early on that Tecfidera was (and still is) VERY expensive. The last time I checked, it costs over $24,000 CAD. I knew that Tecfidera would not affect me physically because I knew I can handle and endure the pain (quietly). My only concern was (and still is) involve FINANCIALS!

I knew that I won't be covered under my mom's private insurance from her work as soon as I turned 25. It was a bittersweet feeling. The good news is: I can finally pay off my own monthly insurance fees. (Mainly, due to the feeling of gaining responsibilities). The bad news is that I feared that the insurance won't be able to fully cover the expenses.

My mom and I discussed it and we both agreed to get her previous insurance company from her work. (Technically, it was a pretty easy decision for me since I grew up watching my parents complete their paperwork for the company's insurance claims). I got in touch with one of the agents on the phone and she was so NICE! She was very helpful and understanding with my situation. She offered me a really good deal with a decent amount of coverage for my health and dental.

Ever since my 25th birthday, my insurance covers 80 percent of my Tecfidera expenses, while the remaining 20 percent was covered under Ontario's Ministry of Health. My neurologist was able to write a letter to the government to help me cover the costs due to my ongoing state with Multiple Sclerosis. (& for that, I am truly grateful!)

Thinking back, I still think about how lucky I am to have coverage from my insurance and the government, HOWEVER; I acknowledge and understand that there are more patients out there with various medical conditions (MS or not) that are struggling to cover the fees of their medical treatments and have no choice to pay out of their own pockets. To me, it is sad and unfair because I live in a country in North America where we have SINGLE-PAYER UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE! (Thank you former Premier Tommy Douglas of Saskatchewan).

Recently, Bill C-213 (Canada Pharmacare Act) was struck down in Ottawa at the second reading on February 2021. I am sad and disappointed to hear about the outcome. I am wondering how can millions of Canadians pay for their medications? It is long overdue and it is time for Canada to implement Pharmacare and upgrade our nation's healthcare system.

Ahh... yes, symptoms. Honestly, it is a constant pain to deal with it on a daily basis. And for MS-fighters, let's just say that can be an understatement. In terms of my symptoms... it appeared out of no where five years ago and it eventually led to the point where I am now where I can manage it at times. The topic of symptoms is a common question for me whenever I get a chance to tell anyone about my story.

After my first appointment with my neurologist in 2016, I experienced a lot of headaches and back pains. One time, my back pain was so bad... I had to ask my mom to help me get up from my bed because, I thought I was paralyzed. Overtime, I was dealing with the same symptoms with my back pains, headaches and potentially more brain lesions.

FATIGUE became my worse nightmare in 2017 and especially during my Tecfidera era (since 2018) where it comes and goes as it pleases. There were a couple of times where the symptom got really bad. Mainly, it would occur during the summer due to the heat sensitivity/intolerance. I didn't know that would be possible (especially as a Filipina).

I have also experienced a bad case of fatigue during my summer job in 2019. It occurred during my lunch break after I ate my food. I was resting and it made my bosses worried. So, they told me that I can rest a little bit longer. I took an extra few minutes for me to recover and I told them that I was okay to return and continue on with my shift. I felt bad at the time for making them worried. I was grateful for them to check in on me.

ALONG THE WAY...

My solution for dealing with my symptoms varies (other than quietly enduring the pain). For instance, when I have headaches... I just follow my neurologist's advice and drink water with magnesium. For fatigue, I just lie down and take nap where it can last up to 3-5 hours. My neurologist was also able to give me more advice on how I can tackle my symptoms while battling MS. She told me to focus on taking:

Vitamin D (essential for battling MS) -- I take 5,000 UI/day

Iron (to boost my immune system and reduce fatigue) &

Magnesium (for removing my headaches).

Oh yeah... in terms of my back pains -- my mom bought a Health-O-Pedic mattress for me from the Shopping Channel. It was my Christmas gift from last year. My back has not felt this good in YEARS! (Thanks Mom lol). Apparently, my cat approves too! She also gets to sleep on top of the bed.

A lot can happen within a couple years of being diagnosed with MS... Since then, it is a waiting game to see how my condition continues. After getting a few MRI scans every six months, my neurologist told me that MORE BRAIN LESIONS have appeared in my brain AND spinal cord quickly than anticipated.

From there, she has advised me and my mom to let me take the treatment to battle it. However; after she talked to my dad, she originally indicated that there was no point for me to take it because I did not have the symptoms in the first place. Eventually, I was able to tell my mom to let me take it while I was crying. I feared that I might be physically disabled if I did not take the DMT (Disease-Modifying Therapy).

As soon as the next appointment was here, I was so happy to tell my neurologist that my mom gave me her blessing to let me take the DMT. My neurologist gave me a small list containing the medications I could possibly take to treat my symptoms and condition. Her instructions indicated I should go to MS Society of Canada's website and read on each of the treatments (along with their pros and cons). Out of all of the medications, I told her that I chose Tecfidera, because, needles scared me and I'm okay with taking pills. She understood and agreed with my decision, given that it's very strong. Prior to the treatment, I was also told to take it with food, NO ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION and get the blood work every three months to ensure that my internal body is doing well with the medication.

In Winter 2019, I received my first parcel from the pharmacy that mailed my Tecfidera to my home. I was in tears when I opened it because, it was life-changing and it can potentially become my sword and shield to battle MS. *Fast-forward within a week* I was able to get to know my regional nurse and my pharmacist who told me that I can contact them at any time whenever I have any concerns. Sadly, I also experienced chest pains, which led me to stop taking the treatment for the first time.

My neurologist was concerned. But, she decided to let me try the DMT again because the chest pain was gone. The chest pain returned for the second time when I took the increased dosage of Tecfidera. From there, my neurologist told me to eat healthy foods and hearty fats! Thankfully, it all worked out from there.

Sometime later, my neurologist gave me her blessings to let me take the full maintenance dosage. It has and will continue to challenge every part of my physical and mental well-being to be healthy and happy.

NOTE: & yes, I did cry (again) when I opened the parcel lol. ♥

So my mom and I attended the appointment with the first neurologist (ENT doctor's referral)… While I was telling him my story -- HE KEPT ON INTERRUPTING ME! His actions were disrespectful and unprofessional. He was invalidating my story as a medical patient trying to figure out my diagnosis and my next steps moving forward. He told me to take 4000 units of vitamin D and see him again in six months.

I was crying on my way home after that appointment. I felt very defeated and pissed off... Thankfully, I cancelled that follow-up appointment and I never saw that neurologist ever again.

Sometime later, my mom and I eventually travelled to see the neurologist that my Family Doctor referred me to. It was in the core of Downtown Toronto with a great view! I remembered filling out a form with my info and giving the CD containing my MRI images from the second MRI scan to the Medical Admin Assistant.

(SIDE NOTE: I found out she is one of the best neurologists in the field. So, I had a feeling that I would be safe with her).

When the neurologist called out my name, my mom and I went inside her office and I was able to tell her my story properly. (NOTE: It turns out on that day, there were two other medical students with her). They were very shocked when they heard my story. Here are few of the questions that she asked me:

Was I born here in Canada or in the Philippines?

Me: Canada

Did anyone else in my family share similar symptoms as me?

Me: Nope

Have I hurt my head in the past?

Me: Nope

After I answered her questions, it is when she officially gave me her diagnosis of Multiple Sclerosis. She said that I have radiologically isolated syndrome. It is a form of MS, however; it does NOT contain any symptoms. My mom's final question to my neurologist is: "Do you have any patients that have similar cases as well?" My neurologist said: "Yes, but not very often". She also told us that MS is not deadly. (So, thankfully I'm okay).

Lol actually, it began five years ago in 2016 (during the spring time). I finished my second year of my undergrad studies, completed my exams and wrapped up my final weekly counselling sessions for PTSD. (But, I'll share that part of the story for another time).

Anyways... I made an appointment with my family doctor because, I told her that I had ringing in my ears. She referred me to an ENT (Ears, Nose & Throat) Doctor and he told me to do a hearing test and an MRI. It turns out, my hearing test was perfect -- BUT, everything changed when my family doctor told me about my MRI results.

The MRI results indicated that I had 12 small brain lesions during the scan.

To be honest, I was shocked and speechless when my family doctor told me. She gave me a copy of the report and I had to show it to my mom. My family doctor also referred me to a neurologist who can examine on my case further. After that, my mom and I were wondering what did it meant for me moving forward.

I also remembered that my ENT doctor reached out to me to get another MRI scan (to ensure that it's not a tumour). Thankfully, my ENT doctor confirmed that it wasn't a tumour! So, it also led him to refer me to a neurologist of his choice & this is where it gets more interesting...