Kindness Begets Kindness...Evermore

Over the years, I often wondered if I should just show up to their house. But then I thought that would be crazy and they would call the police and make a spectacle. This would not only hurt my chances of being in their lives but I was afraid that it might traumatize them. My wish was for a mutual unification, under calm and peaceful circumstances. One that would enable a positive outcome with a relationship with my sons that was once severed. I waited too long. Sent way too many unanswered messages. Frozen and scared. Until finally I decided to live my life and hope that I would be able to contact the boys once they were a little older and could understand things from their own perspective.

I have always been in the dark about the boys. No updates or photos. Only those I am able to screen shot from facebook searches. Occasionally, I would be able to see a written update on one of the boys. They looked happy and I always thought that if I intruded upon them then they would be scared and if they were happy and living a great life, then why should I mess that up for them? I know that the love that I have and have always had for them would make them even happier, but they don’t know that. And who am I to turn their world upside down at such a fragile age? I don’t know what they’ve been told. I don’t even know what their favorite color is. Or their favorite food.

After all of these years, one of them turned 16 on the 2nd of April. I decided to reach out to send him a message on Instagram. I didn’t know it but his father and stepmom had petitioned the court to terminate my parental rights and grant the stepmom legal mom of my boys. Stating that I abandoned them. I never abandoned them. The accusation is completely insane.

I feel like I’ve been dug up from a grave. Only to be spit on. I just want what was stolen from my sons and myself. And that is a relationship, or at least the opportunity to have one.

16 years have passed

But did it go by so fast?

A lifetime ago….since you called me momma

Sleepless nights & tear stained cheeks

Now a hard exterior, doing away with drama

Longingly watching from afar

Quiet steps

Careful not to cause any scars

You both look so happy & content

My only wish

Is to let you know how much you both have meant

I only knew you as my baby boy

Our time was cut short

You brought me so much joy

May you find your way as a young man

I will always be here waiting

“Awareness is the birthplace of possibility. Everything you want to do, everything you want to be, starts here.” - Deepak Chopra

Many of us can relate to having unhealthy coping mechanisms and responses to things like stress, fear, or other agitating emotional states. Often, we are unaware of the subconscious processes going on because we’re too deeply immersed in what we would consider a difficult situation to recognize it isn’t as dire as it seems. We may instinctively respond to this in a negative or destructive way. Setting ourselves up for a pattern that may claim and destroy our relationships with others, and quite possibly our health. 

Change is not easy, especially if it is something that has been with us for nearly a lifetime. Lack of Mindfulness by way of expectations of others can sometimes be a source of these problems. I know that for myself, I have had trouble putting the above mentioned into practice. With that could have potentially come at a heavy price. Losing someone that I love, dearly.

Jumping to conclusions and letting our mind wander and get the better of us with regards to guessing and assuming what someone else is doing or worse yet, thinking is a sure fire way of pushing that person away and causing irreparable damage to that relationship. Unfortunately, this is something that takes an extreme amount of patience, understanding and massive amounts of communication. I have learned the hard way that there is no cure for this behavior and it is something that requires constant and consistent practice. When it comes to those you love, always take an extra moment to reconsider, if the “problem” is actually a problem, if it is worth making a big deal out of. Don’t speculate good or bad. Simply deal with what is actually in front of you. Quell your own negative emotions, which in turn will diffuse the negative emotions of others.

A lot of what we tend to draw conclusions on in life tends to come from our interpretations of the things that we experience - particularly after the moments have passed. Sometimes when it seems like things are actually happening to us, it may in fact have nothing to do with us but we feel powerless to remove ourselves from the cause. Another perspective is that every time we find ourselves immersed in something that seems overwhelming, we have an opportunity to learn how to deal with challenges better.

I have found that prayer does help. Even if you are not a spiritual person, prayer or meditation with a higher power in mind; something greater than ourselves, helps in aiding with a daily reminder that this is something to constantly be aware of. We never know when we will encounter such a situation and it is best to always be prepared.