haha what?

My borderline bitch mother has my brother so enmeshed that he takes her side every single time she rages at me for no reason and my brother sits there and tells me how shitty I am for doing literally nothing. I don’t claim to be perfect, but these people don’t even know who I am outside of them because the person I actually am gets completely squashed when I’m with my family. I feel trapped and frustrated and can’t even defend myself because they don’t see what I see, they don’t know the person I actually am, how hard I’ve worked to get out of the enmeshment of my mother, what I’ve been through since I’ve left home, and they really have no interest. As sad as it is, this weekend has proven to me once and for all that a relationship with my family isn't possible, at least not for some time. I become a different person, it becomes so real to me how emotionally manipulative my upbringing has been. They cannot understand that being around my mother triggers me because they haven't been away from her long enough to even recognize that she is abusive. It's going to take a hell of a lot of meditation and positive affirmation to rebalance my energy after this weekend, to even remember who I am.

lmao my mom was pissed bc no one wanted to drink with her and literally tried to compare her alcoholism to my caffeine consumption to prove a point or something like ok 1. I work in a coffee shop so obviously 2. ???like honestly Fucking bitch ass cunt I love Portland but I honestly can't wait to be away from her

I got my nicotine lozenges thank god, but the fact remains that I hate my mother. Dad's fine, brother's ok too in small doses, but I straight up just cannot stand my mother, I don't even know why I just can't staaaaand her

Being with my family is literally destroying me I want to die I'm on no sleep I need a cigarette so bad I tried to go buy nicotine gum and they literally wouldn't even let me go into the pharmacy alone so I couldn't get them I'm so uncomfortable I can't handle this I can't even express how stressed, trapped, and horrible I feel Also I become a literal basket case with my family specifically my mom it's so frustrating they think I'm just crazy all the time I can't even explain to them that it's from taking on all their emotional fucking baggage that I become an entirely different person when I'm with them I honestly do not know how I'm going to get through this, I spend half of last night awake having withdrawals and panic attacks wanting to die this is literal madness

Every white person looks the fuckin same honestly on facebook like I don't even know who people fucking are on the suggested friends bullshit just like oh another white girl I probably know but don't recognize bc you look like every other white girl ok

Lmfffffao why did I think going away with my family would be a good idea I'm not going to get any literal sleep the entire time I'm here 4 of us are shoved into a tiny room with 2 beds I'm just lying awake trying to ignore the snoring and being pushed off the bed and being restless as fuck I want to die fuck these people honestly :')))))))

I'm just glad I'm 21, a 3 day vacation with my family (and no weed or cigarettes) would be literal hell without alcohol thank fuck