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"Saturdays are the only day of the week I get to sleep in. Why the f*** do you think I would be in a good mood when you knock on my f***** door at 9 in the f***** morning!?!?!?! I don't move until at least 10am. Go the f*** away and don't ever f***** bother me again."

Those poor Mormans. They had no clue what they got themselves into when they woke me up this morning.

There is a difference between miscarriage depression and infertility depression. How do I know? I've experienced both. Both types of depression go deep, beyond what others (who have not expierienced either) can understand. They can empathize, but unless they've had their own experiences with it, they will never truly know what it feels like. I will not discount one over the other. While I have gotten over my miscarriage depression, the infertility one will forever be there.

To first make up your mind to not have children for a while, knowing something was already wrong with you, is one thing.

To change your mind, and to start trying, only to end in failure, takes everything to another level

To be told you have a genetic disorder preventing you from conceiving only to be told that there is no disorder, you're just fat, hurts worse. Why was I overweight? Said genetic disorder (which a third opinion confirmed) causes it's victims to gain weight, and to hold onto it no matter the amount of healthy eating and excersize. It causes both physical and emotional pain. How did I overcome it? Surgery. And before you say anything, that choice is anything but the easy way out.

Now, my SO and I are faced with another problem. We have seemed to have solved my infertility issue and are now faced with his. While I suffered he had no problems. As soon as I began to get healthy, he stopped producing. WTF!

I was having a good day yesterday. Was. Then, around 430pm my mood shifted suddenly and I felt the worst despair I have experienced in the last several years. I wanted to scream, cry, lash out, and emotionally attack my SO. I felt what I was feeling was thier fault. Afterall, they are refusing to share in my one desire for our small, two person family. I want to see our family grow, but they don't care too anymore. At one point in time, they were excited and worked with me to bring forth new life. Now, they have given up that dream and have allowed their own depression to take over their decision on this matter.

My own depression rages on, most of the time hidden within the deepest confines of my head. Silently, it waits for an opportune moment to appear, and then it attacks with full force. There is no preparing for when the despair claws its way to the surface. All I can do is hold on for dear life, and try to make others believe I am ok.

I have no one in my city I can talk to about my affliction. My inlaws are well meaning, but I don't want their pity, or well meaning advice. My own mother is not close by for me to cry on. She and my sister alone know of my pain, but will never know what my pain truly feels like. My mother-in-law does, but, again, she was successful in overcoming her obsticals.

I turn to the one thing that will give me peace and I don't like the answer I am given.

"Wait," He says. "For your time will come. I have great plans for you, and it is not yet time."

"Why?" I cry. "Why does my heart ache and my body betray me?"

I never get a satisfying answer, if I get one at all. Of course, in my anger and pain, I am simply missing the answer. I don't want to hear anything beyond that point. I want to drown in my own misery. I want what I want and my heart aches when I'm not allowed it.

I know what He wants me to do, but my own pain is blinding me to the potential I could be. I don't want to do what He has shown me. I don't want to continue down this path of childlessness. I feel as though my nickname should be Jonah, for I am rejecting His command for my own selfish desires.

And then, as suddenly as it errupts, my despair fades. I begin to feel better, and my SO is none the wiser. I wish I could go to them and tell them what I am feeling, but I fear they wouldn't understand the pain and anguish I experience. Maybe they do understand. Maybe they're fighting their own battles as well. Maybe, all they want in life is to carry on their own legacy but they got stuck with me. Maybe, its not me they want to carry on their lineage, but someone better. Someone smarter.

So, I’ve asked a number of people to betaread for me including: my sister, brother, two coworkers, best friend, and my mothers best friend. Of all the people listed, only one is reading my work (my mother’s best friend), and she’s giving excellent feedback, but I need more people. I am currently researching several betareaders on here, but the majority of them (not all of them) only read fanfic.

I have nothing against fanfic (I acutally think it’s a compliment to the original creator) but I don’t do it. I have too many of my own ideas.