Moyo

I’m beyond confused cause I made my account literally at the beginning of this summer. Wdym one year old, is tumblr time going faster than earth time or do you mean I spent a year worth of time here???

This makes me think about all the random good tips Ilya would drop out of the blue due to how used he is of mentoring, leading and taking care of others. It’s his second nature. Or so I wanna believe.

My favourite fic about captain Ilya so far is probably “#OneGoalDoesNotBuiltACareer” by Airuna, which portrays this trope fabulously. Ilya is intelligent and observant, he notices things and he knows how to help people get what they really want, and people will be grateful for that.

However, that’s professionally speaking mostly (with some meddling to speed up romantic relationships at times I guess. But if that makes them play better hey, why not? Just look at Troy). What if it’s family related issues? I feel depends on who, how and what probably. If it’s something very serious like one of the pike kids going through something, he’d probably be the best uncle they can go to. In “safeguard” by anincompletelist (soldouthaz), he says one of the best comforting lines that I think would be true to his character. Hayden asked him to talk with Jade who is in a depressive state, but Ilya instead offers space: “we do not have to talk, if you want. I won’t tell.”

On the other hand, I can definitely imagine him freaking out if one of the hollanov kids start dating. Partly because he was a party beast and he probably knows what scum is out there. Even if it’s a good kid, depending on how he finds out, the reaction might vary as well. Like the meltdown in “but daddy i love him” by kramer_vs_kramer after finding Hayden’s youngest (OC kid) in his teenage daughter’s bed one morning. He would eventually come to terms with this, of course, but in my headcanon, Ilya is definitely the overprotective dad. He would fear becoming like his own dad, he would dote on their kids, being his opposite, yet he would oftentimes still be doubtful about himself when it comes to his own kids.

Meanwhile, Shane would be a bit more methodical about his tips, and probably mostly focused on topics he is familiar with only. On-ice, he would be open to share his thoughts. Off-ice, he’d probably refrain from dropping unsolicited opinions unless you ask directly. Very diplomatic. Unless you anger him, in that case, good luck and I’ll call an ambulance. Shane punching Drapeau because he called Ilya “lazy” is just so satisfying in “hope it hurts like you hurt me” by gurlsrool.

I feel his parenting style would be similar to David’s, quiet but making them feel seen. Shane wouldn’t have meltdowns as he’s getting good at not externalising his freak outs too much because he knows it might affect the kids. Of course Ilya and people close to him would still notice, but Shane would probably get better at getting them under control or ask for help. Kids will notice the signs as well eventually, and it would be such a good chance to learn healthy emotional management!

In my headcanon, Shane is definitely the one of the two with a safer attachment style. Meaning he’d worry, but he’d be a bit better at letting go. Yuna is actually a bit like this as well, because reasonable parents know they can’t control their kids. The most you can do is being there for them when they do ask for help. For example, having a whole team of very professional and very well-paid scary lawyers always on speed dial. I also wanna imagine him as extra supportive of whatever PTA antics Ilya might get in, such as the bake sale feud against Baba Yaga in “your words like knives and swords” by bespelled.

This might be my fave François pic so far lmao. I randomly found it in a comment section. Credits to lofficielhommes.china.

If we get into headcanons, I feel this is how Scott will behave after getting out of the closet and eventually feeling comfy in the new situation. A happy life makes someone feel less afraid to be goofy imo lol. No fear of being rejected for being himself. Kip probably took that photo anyway, with a huge smile on his face.

When you are at a museum, you know those French words, yet your brainrot takes over you.

They also had a Russian architecture section lol.

I also sat down to read words on some gay men’s butts, ofc I thought of his butt. It was an analysis of gay men’s fashion, subtle metaphors and secret messages that I had no idea about lol. It’s from a series called Gay Semiotics by Hal Fischer. Dunno if anyone got fic recs for this topic cause I haven’t encountered them yet afaik.

No escape from Heated Rivalry. Not even during holidays.

Especially cause they went to Ibiza for their honeymoon and this excerpt lives in my head rent free ever since I read it for the first time: “when Shane had worked up the nerve to ask him for vacation suggestions, Scott Hunter had enthusiastically rattled off a bunch of places there that were “gay as hell.” It would be another giant step outside of Shane’s comfort zone, but he was ready for it.”

Ibiza being gay as hell is not something I expected to encounter in a book. I guess an American saying that caught me off guard cause Ibiza is just a party island for me lol. I never associated it with the queer scene but makes sense, just like Berlin I guess. I do wonder if some Americans actually think Europe is gay as hell as an generalisation lol (gay or European?). I also wonder what other places Scott might have suggested.

I’m yet to read more honeymoon fics but the one that pops up in my mind is Effortlessly Spectacular by GlitterCity (WIP, missing one chapter). Made me search whether there is a Churrotecture Tour for real. Spoiler: they do exist. It’s on my bucket list now, even though I have a favourite churros place and I’m very damn picky, standards are high.

I enjoy museums cause it just lets me see new perspectives and learn stuff. I’m admittedly very ignorant about history and things in general. Combine these two things and I’m just thriving when you drop me in an ACed museum lol.

This is wholesomely and some other times painfully portrayed in so many different moments throughout the show and books.

Marleau: “Wow, this Montreal girl works you up brother. You’re straight up blushing Roz.” Feat. A totally not blushing Ilya.

Hayden: “Boston Lily is texting you, have fun! I don’t care!” Feat. Shane saying no in text, yet being honest with his body, rushing to Ilya’s room for a quick hookup.

Rose: “Can I ask if you’ve ever been with another guy? Was it different with a guy? Was it better?” Feat. Flashbacks to key hollanov loving and yearning moments.

Svetlana: “You know he’s gorgeous. And you know he’s good. I would love to see you on a line with him.” Feat. Ilya considering playing wing for Shane despite wrestling Svetlana for even suggesting that.

Ruby: “Is he your husband? Are you his husband?” Feat. The untainted honest child curiosity and an instinct to detect love.

There are plenty of works that I can think of, but there’s this one fic that inspired this post: Walls by AC91. It is basically a multi POV one shot studying their relationship through accidental voyeurism. Definitely made me question things about myself lmao. Fan fiction are often born as a necessity to fulfill a desire the original work didn’t satisfy. In my case, I think the reasons are the following:

1. Our identity are fundamentally shaped by our interactions with others. Knowing more interactions means knowing more about someone.

This idea is inspired by Sartre and his theory on identity, alongside what I have rambled previously about C. S. Lewis. So, disclaimer, I haven’t read Sartre’s work (my bad, but my to read list is long and heated rivalry has kidnapped me) and mostly know him by proxy of citations (sorry if I understood his ideas wrong). There’s this paper by Mcmullin (2011) explaining his conception of identity that left an impact on me: “The encounter with the other person's evaluating look makes it clear that the self—like other objects in the world—is available for third-person appraisal and assessment. Through such experiences of being seen and evaluated, the encounter with the other person grants one a heightened mode of self-awareness. The gaze of the other is experienced as genuinely revealing dimensions of who and what I am—dimensions of myself that are unavailable without the mediating gaze of another person.”

This is very explicit in the Svetlana and Ilya section of the fic for me. How Sveta and Alexei’s opinions shaped and gave me a new perspective of Ilya.

In the fic Alexei says the following: “Ilyusha is a bottomless pit of need, Svetochka. He needs too much from people. [...] Nobody can give him what he needs. He's like Mama, Svetochka. He'll die like Mama, because he needs too much and he will never get it. He's not like you and me. He can’t accept life for what it is.”

Svetlana agreed, but then, she saw them together and realised: “Shane needed Ilya as much as Ilya needed him.”

In their morning after chat Ilya affirmed Svetlana the idea of how happy he is: “We had good times. [...] With you, it was something. But with him, it’s everything.”

Of course there is no need for someone else's recognition for something to be true necessarily, but Ilya was definitely smug about it. I felt he was even happier when Svetlana acknowledged his happiness. His intensity is matched. He can be himself without restrains. His happiness is overflowing.

2. Knowing more about others allows us to know more about ourselves.

Point one also applies in reverse, of course. I feel this is highlighted in Luca's section of the fic. One of my favourite head canons is that Luca knows he’s gay/bi/pan, proudly so, or at least it doesn’t cause him any issues internally. Unlike Shane and Ilya, he used to play in the Swiss league before coming to the MHL, the locker room culture is a bit different: people keep their personal opinions and private lives more segregated, they might still be gay or homophobic (or both lol), but they’ll try to keep it to themselves. That’s why Luca doesn’t flaunt his sexuality, but he doesn’t necessarily hide it either off the ice. Of course there’s also the gay or European discourse that can make things murky.

Nevertheless, he is still a baby, the young centaur still has a lot to discover about himself. What he likes or dislikes in a relationship. What are his hard needs and boundaries. How he can juggle a professional sportsperson career with his love life in an LGTBQ+ unwelcoming league.

“Luca's head was spinning with everything he had overheard. It was too much. He had intruded beyond what was acceptable, but it answered so many questions he had.”

Hollanov are going to be his role models. Very positive ones, both on ice and off ice. He is not alone, and that's going to help, a lot. Maybe this is why he never got his book, he is just a good boy with good mentors and he is just going to be happy! Sometimes, some people can have enough support so that the queer experience is not as traumatic. I feel that will be Luca's case.

Exploring Hollanov dynamics doesn't only allow me to know more about them. It also allows me to learn more about those who observe them.

3. They don’t need to hide anymore, and now the “questionable behaviour” is reversed, what induces the feelings and emotions is them being seen and found accidentally in their most intimate moments.

You know how hollanov had to hide around as if they were doing something wrong and scandalous for more than a decade? Now it's the other way around... The people prying on their privacy are the ones who need to hide. And this is oddly satisfying to witness. Like a mini revenge.

There are differences in the legality of voyeurism or even its definition depending on the country. There is obviously a distinction on whether it is accidental, incidental, patterned, consensual or not. I actually learnt about how it's in some diagnostic manuals as a disorder, that was a bit of a surprise but makes sense if it causes distress and trouble in someone's life.

Of course, in the case of “Walls”, they are all accidental, but it made me think of those other works where someone maliciously leaks content about them. Be it secret recordings, messages, etc. Well, the fanmail event is canon lol. Regardless, it feels good that once they are officially out of the closet, that means they can protect themselves better against these kinds of intrusions if they want.

It is lowkey a chance they unknowingly got to show everyone how they are for real, they truly love each other and can't take off their hands off each other. Most people only knew the fake media side of them and their relationship after all. Yuna and David were definitely worried and within reason. However, more than anything it just shows that they are made for each other.

Not everyone can be as intense as they are with each other. They are both needy and willing to satisfy the other's needs. You don't meet someone like that every day, and that's probably why they kept gravitating towards each other for so long.

I do not personally know Ilya nor Shane, but it’s through the lens of other characters how I have a different look into them. I have countless head canons myself of course. Some things might be true, some others might just be subjective interpretations, but it gives a broader picture and possibilities that I enjoy. Same with all the different perspectives from other fans.

Reference:

Imagine being born as the daughter of one of the greatest Russian hockey players in the MHL. A 90s super star goalie and Hall of Fame player for Boston. He could be an asshole but nooooo, he actually dotes on you a lot, you’re his princess, and you know how to take advantage of your resources accordingly.

You start a car dealership business that goes amazing because you have all this network of rich stupid young people through the MHL and VIP clubbing. You’re also a very convincing seller, quick to notice people’s desires and weaknesses. Goalie genes maybe.

Then you realise you might want something more fulfilling as this is getting a bit easy. Income has never been a worry anyway, the trust fund and compound interest allows you to be worriless for the rest of your life.

What do you do? You get an MBA from a prestigious university. My headcanon is MIT Sloan, they got a very reputable annual sports analytics conference after all.

Once you finish, you apply to be a data analyst for your father’s former MHL team. They do hire you because they know you, but not in nepo baby sense, rather in the sense they know you’re probably one of the most knowledgeable and intelligent people regarding hockey. Heck, she is certified by the former captain and generational talent Ilya Rozanov.

She was born a princess and chose to become a QUEEN. Come on, it’s so badass.

My main headcanon is that her mum is probably quite high status in Russia or has relevant ties to Russia despite being an US citizen. Perhaps being a key figure that elevated her dad into his current position in politics. She learnt a lot from her mother.

My heart melted afterwards when Shane mentions he wants to learn Russian. I'm not sure if Shane ever went through this experience knowing he is at least bilingual, but book Shane definitely knows it is a thing considering he says JJ speaks French when he gets real (or drunk).

Language shapes our inner world, our perception of the outer world and our interactions with others, I'll fight anyone if they disagree.

Having said that, I must admit I'm a bit of a language nerd sometimes, even if I can be a byelingual more often than not. Watching Heated Rivalry reminded me of one of my favourite papers by Dewaele (2008): “The emotional weight of I love you in multilinguals' languages”. It presents a very damn good introduction of the emotional and social distinctions for multilingual people regarding the phrase “I love you”, alongside the impossibility of translation at times. Of course, this last part is not only limited to love, but many many other emotions and feelings as well.

All the times Ilya wanted to say something. So many things that went through his head, but he couldn't translate into English due to limited fluency. His efforts to improve that eventually lead to the infamous “wow, genetic” moment in Vegas. At the cottage, he first says “I love you” in Russian, and then in English. Russian for himself, in English for Shane.

Ilya improved his communication skills a lot! All around, both in fluency and just realising he has a mouth and he can use it (I'm sorry if I sound a bit mean). Yet, I feel he still struggled in TLG. Sometimes we can know a lot of languages, being fluent in them, but still struggle to put into words what's going on inside us if we never had the chance to say them out loud, especially with loved ones. We can have it sorted out and super well put when we are in contexts, with other people, but once we have to speak with our loved one, it doesn't go as we practiced in our minds. That's the social part of languages, the “how will they react?”, “how will I react?”. Communication is not just about the language, it's sometimes everything else that are not necessarily words.

Theory and practice are different. Reality can be very scary. And that's what I like about him. He tried, he was scared, but he is brave.

Within the paper, Dewaele cites Pavlenko (2008) and there is a section that stands out to me. The TLDR is: if you don't use your first language (L1) often enough, and you immerse yourself in your second language (L2), you will eventually lose emotional concepts and vocabulary in L1. While these speakers are still able to recognise the concept, it ceases to be central for their interpretation of the world around them.

I sometimes wonder in what language Ilya's inner monologue might be. I always assumed it started off purely in Russian and slowly got more English bits. It really makes me curious about which morphed or new emotions and feelings Ilya might have discovered after moving to Canada, being with Shane and being showered by affection in an entirely new environment, distinct from his Russian roots. Some feelings like love are definitely influenced by Irina, imprinted in him in Russian. Some others, like hockey related expressions, might be purely in English after living in North America for so long, like “teamwork”. Of course, Yuna might remind him of his own mother one way or another, but it will be different, in English. Meanwhile, David will shatter his fears of the role “father”, and the adjectives and emotions associated to it. I also wanna believe Rose will break his ideas of “sibling”.

During my first read of TLG, I highlighted one moment in his December therapy session. They were talking about what Ilya does apart from hockey and Shane. At one point, he mentions his sports cars and how shopping might make people happy, but he is not into that anymore. He switches to English and says: “Money doesn't buy happiness, yes?”

His love might be in Russian, but his happiness is in English.

In the same paper, there is also this cite by Schrauf and Durazo-Arvizu (2006): bilinguals were found to express more intense affect when speaking the same language at the time of retrieval that they spoke at the time when the event took place. Memories are tagged by language and the emotional tone of the experience is encoded as well.

In his first therapy session, he briefly tells Galina how it's been a while since he last spoke Russian, and he might not be able to shut up. He was right, he spoke nonstop for forty minutes. What was interesting to me is how he cried without realising. It must've been very cathartic. This is more of a headcanon maybe, but I bet she made him realise how much he missed Russian. That's why he reconnects with Svetlana after three fucking years! And I'm a firm believer he is a bit different when he speaks Russian, something only Shane will know while at the Centaurs.

The memories that each person have will shape how they communicate. There will be so many inside jokes, like “tuna melt”. The sentence “I'm coming to the cottage” will have a different impact when they say it to each other. They will have their own personal languages at first. However, as they grow older together, with more and more shared memories, there will be countless convergences. They will need to keep the effort up of course. Understanding and loving someone else, someone who is constantly changing, is a big commitment.

There are sides of Ilya only Shane will know, and vice versa, because of their shared memories and languages and their effort to be next to each other and understand the differences.

I'm a big softie. After reading TLG I just wanna believe they will do their best to just try to understand each other each time something happens, cause things always happen eventually. Be it misunderstandings, arguments, or simply disagreements. The metric of whether a couple might last long or not is not only the amount of love they might have for each other, but how they solve the conflicts that arise, conflicts that are inherent to human relationships.

Side note: Dewaele and Pavlenko interact a lot, most of the intro regarding emotions is her previous research. Key point is that she is a Russian speaker, so sometimes there is a focus in Russian-English language pair in her papers. This means... I might do a deep dive into her stuff if I have time lmao. I'll come back to ramble if I find interesting things. I swore to myself I wouldn't be back to read scientific literature so soon after burning myself out of grad school, but here we go again. Heated Rivalry having other restorative experiences apart from parents being accepting of a queer progeny lmao.

ETA: sorry, forgot to cite lmao.

1. They’re both smart and hardworking enough to pursue medicine if they want, they just need a reason.

In Shane’s case, the divergence needed would happen before he gets drafted. I doubt he’d stop pursuing hockey until something really awful happens considering how both Shane and Yuna (debatable) are obsessed with it. Would Shane still be Shane without hockey? Nope, that’s something I find hard to integrate into my head canon. I don’t know, maybe if he finds an interest before hockey, but an image of toddler Shane skating with his parents even before learning to walk properly just comes to me so naturally. After all, one of my favourite headcanons is that David used to be a goalie at McGill, that’s why Shane’s shots have always been nasty.

What awful thing shall happen? Career ending injury/illness/surgery seems the most plausible scenario, like in the infamous “clear to a hedgehog” by magneticwave. Wouldn’t he still pursue a hockey adjacent role? Nope, at least not in his early-mid 20s. I feel he’d hate to be near the ice, not being able to play would kill him slowly with the what ifs. Once he has come to terms with his shattered dreams, he might eventually come back to professional sports in one way or another. A diehard fan, author of a respected hockey blog during his free time or maybe a team doctor like in “Surgical Precision” by Incognitowrites.

Why would Shane pursue medicine? The injury would inspire him to learn more about human bodies. All the study would be his new routine, filling his time and mind, distracting him from hockey. He’d enjoy the high pressure, the adrenaline and precision needed. He’d enjoy saving lives, despite all the ups and downs.

In Ilya’s case, I feel he’d survive without hockey, and he will still be him without it. The divergence would rather be determined by his family. Is Irina still alive? Did Grigori remarry someone else instead of Polina? Is Alexei an asshole or decent older brother? Why? Cause it would be tied to whether he has more or less incentive to leave Russia. He would still consider it of course, taking into account his sexuality. However, if his mum is alive, if his family isn’t as shitty, he’d have a harder time leaving. He’s a very family oriented person, he enjoys taking care of others. Grigori would’ve been ok with it, very respectable job.

What kind of doctor though? Trauma and ER might fit his on camera personality, but we all know he’s a big softie inside, especially for kids. Moreover, works like “Dare You Twice” by theaftercare have given me a extra reasons to believe he’d be a pediatrician: “Children are honest. They don't perform. If they are scared they tell you. If they feel better they tell you. There is no… No pretending. I find it… Restful." If he’s not a doctor, veterinarian is probably another option, for similar reasons.

2. When one of them is out of the league and the cameras, when they’re not marketed as rivals, they have more control over their own lives and narratives.

Although this is what gets me all excited while watching the show, I can’t help but dream of a world where they can come out without bigger consequences to their past achievements. The one who still plays hockey will get the slurs and whatnot, but nobody will try to deny everything they’ve accomplished so far as a generational talent. No collusion accusations. No shit talking about them leaving the teams that drafted them because they chose to love each other and be together. It would be like Skip, but unlike Scott, they’d still go to Ottawa cause Canada and fuck the Metros/Voyageurs.

By no means they’d live completely peacefully, and other problems will arise. They’d still have a hard time matching up their schedules and long distance, something beautifully portrayed in the aforementioned “clear to a hedgehog”. Would they have an easier time keeping it a secret? One of them being low profile non famous person might help. Them having dinner at a restaurant? Oh just a friend, they got acquainted after many hospital visits and Ilya insisted on inviting him to dinner. Or maybe they’ll opt for an open secret? Just out to their close ones and keep things private, to avoid annoying tabloids who might invade the hospital. If journalists ask, no comments regarding my private life. Would they be competitive in other stuff? Maybe, maybe. They might have very heated Mario Kart nights. It opens up a whole array of what ifs.

3. Something that entertains me is the idea of whether they’d still connect at a a very deep level, as if they were made for each other, even without hockey meddling between them.

After all, everything started in December 2008 when Shane decided to say hi due to how much he admired Ilya’s skills. In other universes, they’d still be beautiful men. Ilya will love Shane’s freckles no matter what. Shane will love his curls back the same way. But there are myriad of other ways they will connect and attract each other, making them human Shane and Ilya when they’re together, distinct from their hockey superstar personas. Being able to speed run to that point is thrilling.

They’d meet at a point in life where they’re both more mature. They gotta finish med school, residency and get a specialisation. Working with patients also has a memento mori effect. They wouldn’t even need a near death experience themselves to know they won’t be able to live without the other. They’d know when the time comes, and they’ll be able to be honest about it. Or not really, but perhaps still a little bit faster, like in “Dare You Twice”. They have more in common than what meets the eye, or so I’ve always believed.

I mainly read wholesome stories, sometimes a bit angsty, but always with a happily ever after. All of the above make me wonder if I’m simply craving a more mature version of hollanov falling in love with some struggles but still less weight over their shoulders. Owning a sense of freedom over themselves and their circumstances that the hockey superstars hardly ever had early on. Alternate universes where their happiness is like a petty revenge to all the other stupid things that stopped them being together sooner in their original world. Maybe this is just a helluva amount of projection lol, but that’s also why fan fiction is fun. I’m very grateful for all the writers out there.

I’m aware the fic is a piece of magical realism, but there were two things I thought of when I was reading.

The first thought is about Fleabag and Boo. Apart from the obvious part of Ilya haunting Shane, there’s one scene that I couldn’t help but remember. Right after Fleabag’s mum’s funeral, she said to Boo: "I don't know what to do with it... with all the love I have for her. I don't know where to… put it now." Boo simply replied, "I'll take it. No, I’m serious. It sounds lovely. I’ll have it. You have to give it to me." They both chuckle. Then… Sadly, whoever watched fleabag might know why Boo is named Boo.

“She would have loved you. Like I love you.”

Ilya’s love for his mum went to Shane. Where is Shane’s love going to go now?

The second thought is about Obon, the Japanese festivity where people celebrate the return of their deceased loved ones who come back for a visit. Rituals are good to keep people sane, that’s what I thought at the different actions Shane did throughout the fic. Yet, I still can’t imagine how he’s going to survive. He probably didn’t survive, a piece of him definitely died with Ilya, forever. Everyone is going to helplessly notice.

Someone sent me a post citing C.S. Lewis’ views on friendship once. One section of it said: “If, of three friends (A, B, and C), A should die, then B loses not only A but “A’s part in C,” while C loses not only A but “A’s part in B. […] Now that Charles is dead, I shall never see Ronald’s reaction to a specific Caroline joke.”

Maybe, a part of Shane will forever remain in their summers.

I actually don’t really agree with Lewis. This is what I replied after reading the excerpt: “By not agreeing I mean that the part that I get from my friends do not root from them, but rather from our interactions with each other and how they’re internalised. They’re from the past ingrained or sometimes time travellers in form of conscious or unconscious thoughts, feelings and memories. You could argue they’re already dead, or are in a sense, immortal. Each interaction is unique and what I’ve lost is the possibility of new unique interactions that are reciprocal.

In this sense, we do not possess any part of each other, but the interactions shape us in ways that your quality can appear in me, but with my own twist. My memories are also just my interpretation of the interaction that we shared, it’s not just the friend, it’s also the me at that time with them. I’ll never be the same me with the same reaction each time my friend says the same joke, so are they. Inspired by Heraclitus ig, don’t know if it makes sense.”

Ilya is dead, so is a part of Shane, so are the summers at the cottage they shared.

I had this conversation with a friend once.

“I talked with my therapist about these different sort of sides of me: IRL, online and inner world. I’m very proud of this Venn diagram I did.”

“Wait, wdym by hobbies frikis in the online section.”

“You know, gaming, anime-”

“That’s not friki.”

“Fan fiction.”