ramble ramble

It's certainly a life, that's for sure.

I was fully expecting this year to be more of a "tying up loose ends and making things better" type of year, but I honestly got thrown for a curve already. Outside of a pet death at my mom's, a medical issue came up I never expected to have. I had a seizure late on the 16th. I've had to make a bit of a timeline due to my memory being extremely foggy, but by the looks of things, I ended up having a grand mal seizure. The fatigue and pain afterwards is horrible, and the feeling is something that feels awful, too. I didn't realise how serious having a seizure can be until some people told me and kept telling me that they're glad I'm still alive. I haven't really felt the same since I had it, and the last three days or so has been battling fatigue, some of the worst brain fog of my life, and the paranoia and anxiety of "What if another one happens?" over and over in bursts, while having periods of feeling really, REALLY bad. My family has no history of seizures or epilepsy, for that matter, so it's been a bit terrifying to have to experience alone. For now, it seems the main worry is making sure I don't get hurt and that I know what triggers it, if it's not a one-time thing. I've been on edge since, and I'm not really handling it well, if I'm honest. So, yeah, that's how my 2024 has started. Not really a great thing to deal with but at the very least I'm still here? I still don't feel normal and I'm hoping that *maybe* I can return to normal at some point soon..

you can interact with me but i do not promise any responses

Truthfully, I’m hoping I only have a year or two left so the pain finally ends. Every day I’m more and more fatigued, running out of energy just sitting at my desk. I don’t want to worry them, and given I can’t see a specialist due to circumstances, I’m fine with my condition killing me if that’s what ends up happening. At the very least, I’ve tried living out my life as best as I can with the circumstances; there’s more I would’ve liked to have done, but that’s okay.

At this point, maybe it’s better to give up. I just wanted to fix something so I had a little more freedom, but it’s not bound to happen.

I don't think I can fix things, it's up to her now.

Thank you, again, for everything.

Better hope I don’t fuck it up this time. Nobody knows, and that’s for the better.

Yeah, I have too many questions.

how does a 22 year old girl who’s a complete shut in make friends? i’m lost here, kinda lonely and stuff.