Don't Trash the Stache

*sittin down drinking*

me: this shit weak. I ain't even drunk.

*stands up*

For the longest time, I suspected I had inattentive ADHD (or ADD). When I first decided to get help for it, I was 17 and on academic probation for a 2.00 GPA, and when my (at the time) paediatrician decided to try me on medications after extensive talks (not an official diagnosis, but he gave me his professional opinion), my parents outright refused. Of course, everyone thought that me being a university student meant I wanted study drugs, and I wanted an easy way around my “laziness”.

The last 4 years, I tried everything from therapy, exercising, eating better, multiple study strategies, l-theanine and caffeine pills (which actually works to an extent), and self-medicating with alcohol (showing up to midterms and finals drunk). Nothing could stop my brain from “flickering” between thoughts at lightning speed when I needed to concentrate the most. Worse yet, environmental stimuli can be the most distracting thing when your mind cannot differentiate between something that needs attention, and something that can be ignored.

To an extent, I was able to cope, at least academically. However, taking three courses a semester and studying twice as hard as the average student to simply pass my classes puts me very far behind, especially since I am now working on a BSc and BA concurrently. More frustrating is the fact that I know I have the potential to be a 4.00 student, but I am constantly underachieving. 

So last week, using my status as a legal adult, I went to my referred psychiatrist, who confirmed my previous diagnoses (from two doctors). I am now on Dexedrine 10mg twice a day, and it’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My parents know nothing, and I pay $16/month for medication (thank you university health care plan!).

However, Dexedrine has one very unpleasant side effect during its comedown (I won’t go into the details why or how). It amplifies the symptoms of my depression tenfold to the point where I am plagued with feelings of self-doubt, self-hatred, hopelessness, etc... and functioning, in general, becomes nearly impossible. To say it is unpleasant is an understatement, really. Benign thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind more often this past week than in the past month. My depression, in the past year, has gotten worse with my increased isolation, and that’s another issue that needs to be worked out. Regardless, Dexedrine has worked wonders for me, and I will continue taking it knowing full well I may become addicted to them at some point.