morkeus

The First Day

You felt terrible.  If someone had told you that heartbreak would feel this painful, you would not have even fallen in love. You had thought that heartbreak was simply sadness but you could not have been any more wrong. Emotions were overwhelming you – sadness, confusion, anger, bitterness, guilt and pain. You could feel the physical clenching of your heart and taste the tears running down your cheeks.

Just yesterday, your life seemed complete. Just yesterday, you were lying on Jaemin’s chest discussing which movie to watch for your next movie night. Just yesterday, you celebrated your first anniversary with Jaemin. But here you were, curled up in bed. Jaemin came over to your house earlier in the day saying that he had something important to tell you only to end up confessing that he had fallen in love with someone else and that he no longer loved you.

You wished to say that you hated him. How could you? You had loved him ever since you could remember and you even envisioned marrying him when the both of you graduated. How could you hate him when he broke down before you, apologising for falling in love with someone? When you truly love someone, you only want the best for them. You felt guilty for even being angry with Jaemin. If the roles were switched, you knew that he would have let you go, wishing you the best.

How could you hate the boy who had so much love for the world? He loved the people around him so much and constantly showered his friends with affection. With every blink you took, you revisited your shared memories. You saw the way he treated his friends - giving them the best hugs, cooking for them whenever they stayed up to game and buying them gifts. Just thinking of the way his eyes would light up every time he saw Jisung brought more tears to your eyes.

Jaemin saw the best in everyone and he never failed to make you feel loved during your time together. It was during your time together that you realised that he was the best and you could never see yourself loving anyone else.

The First Weekend

It had been three days. Three days of staying at home. Three days without a single sound from Jaemin. Three days of lying in bed wishing it was all a dream. It was your first Saturday without Jaemin which meant that it would be the first time in two years when both of you did not spend the evening cuddling while watching movies.

The pain in your chest never left you during the three days and you were sure that you were cursed to live with it for the rest of your life. There were so many instances in which you found yourself reaching out to your phone, resisting the temptation to call Jaemin. Deep down, you knew that if you begged, Jaemin would return to you. However, you would not be able to live with yourself knowing that Jaemin could be happier.

You spent every waking moment thinking about what went wrong and your dreams were filled with Jaemin’s face. Every corner of your house reminded you of him. When you finally pulled yourself up to your kitchen to get a glass of water, you could see him standing by the stove, cooking your favourite fried rice while you tried to distract him. Stepping into the toilet, you spotted his baby blue toothbrush sitting by your own. Even your sheet stilled smelled of him after the countless nights the both of you spent together.

It was haunting you and you knew that you had to leave the house before you went crazy. Without a destination in mind, you roamed the streets aimlessly, trying to get Jaemin off your mind. Of course, your attempt was futile as you found yourself standing before Jaemin’s apartment complex unintentionally.

Gazing at the building, tears sprung out of your eyes. What had once been a place of comfort and joy suddenly seemed so foreign to you. You could almost hear Jaemin’s laughter bouncing off the walls of his apartment. Leaving the house was meant to help you clear your mind but you only returned home feeling emptier than when you left.

The Second Weekend

Surprisingly, you were doing a lot better than you had expected. Sure, the thought of Jaemin did bring tears to your eyes but you were no longer spending your days in bed - you had migrated over to the couch to binge watch TV shows. While you were still with Jaemin, he would always whine when you watched shows without him. Now that you were single, every night could be movie night.

When you woke up without the pain in your chest, you knew that it was time to clear his belongings from your room. Considering how the both of you were best friends turned lovers, he probably spent more time at your place than his own. His belongings were scattered around your apartment from his clothes taking up a drawer in your closet, his phone charger plugged in by your bed to his Ryan mug lying in the dishwasher.

While combing through your house for anything that belonged to Jaemin, you revisited the memories made in your apartment. Every time you closed your eyes, you saw Jaemin somewhere in your apartment - wiping away your tears while watching Marley and Me wrapped in your blankets, washing the dishes begrudgingly, standing before your wardrobe choosing which hoodie to take back from you and so many more.

You still missed his goofy smile, his sweet talk and most of all, the love you felt with him. It really hurt but you knew you were getting better.

The First Month

Moving on had been a slow and arduous process but you were definitely making progress. That did not change the fact that you heart started beating rapidly when Jaemin’s mother called you. More than you would have liked to admit, you wished that Jaemin’s mother called to tell you that Jaemin had realised that he could not live without you.

“Y/N! I haven’t seen you in so long, how are you?” What? Was she expecting you to be doing great after her dear son broke your heart?

You decided to answer honestly, “Auntie, I’m doing a lot better now. It hasn’t been easy but I’m growing…”

“Ah, school must be tough. Please visit us with Jaemin soon! We miss the both of you so much.” It was then that it hit you that Jaemin had not told his mother about the breakup.

You could not find it within you to reveal to her that the both of you were no longer together, “We miss you too!”

“This son of ours is always making us worry! I wonder if he’s eating well, whether school is stressing him out and so many more!”

“...Don’t worry, Auntie, he’s doing great! Uh, I have to go! We’ll visit you soon!” You ended the call as soon as you could.

Moving on and getting over Jaemin was going alright until his mother had to call you. She reminded of how immersed Jaemin could get into studying and you found yourself sharing the same concerns.

Now that you were not by his side, did he start getting take out for every meal? Did he go back to his bad habit of burning midnight oil? Was he happy?

And just like that, the month of progress seemed to vanish into nothing. Just one phone call had the ability to shatter everything you had worked so hard on. Just hearing his name set the waterworks.

You would be lying if you said that you had not seen the breakup coming. You had watched Jaemin slowly lose interest in you. It started off little and you could not put your finger on it but something felt different. Everything felt slightly off leading up to the breakup. You almost could have heard it in his voice, seen it in his eyes. It started off with the little things - waking up to no texts, calls becoming fewer and farther apart, the lack of emotion and effort, and the piling up of excuses.

That’s the thing, no amount of warning would have changed the hurt.

The Second Month

Two months had passed since the breakup. From time to time, Jaemin would still cross your mind. However, you were marginally better than the month before. You were seated in one of the cafes you and Jaemin frequented, getting some fresh air while reminiscing the time the both of you spent in that cafe.

When you entered the cafe, the barista, Johnny, gave you a small smile before preparing your favourite drink. You guessed that Jaemin had already visited the cafe in the past two months and had told Johnny about the breakup.

Without Jaemin’s laughter filling the air, the cafe suddenly seemed cold and empty. You and Jaemin found the cafe in your second year of middle school and it instantly became your place.

“Hey…” You looked up expecting to see Johnny with your drink but instead, you were greeted by the sight of Jeno. Jeno had been one of Jaemin’s best friends so naturally, he became your good friend too. You had not heard from him since the breakup and you assumed that he had chosen to side Jaemin (not that there was a need to pick sides).

Jeno continued to stand by your table, his expression unreadable. You stared at him expectantly, waiting for him to speak.

“Do you mind if I sit down here?” he asked carefully as if he was worried to scare you away.

Hesitantly, you nodded and avoided eye contact with Jeno. What was he trying to do? During the time you and Jaemin were together, Jeno did not really talk much to you. Of the entire group, you were the least close to Jeno. It was not that you had an issue with him but he never bothered to do anything more than send you a smile once in a while. Nonetheless, you were not uncomfortable with Jeno. It just felt odd to be with him without Jaemin around.

The silence was alright - more comforting than you had expected. Jeno’s presence made it slightly less lonely.

“You’ll be alright, you know?” he started, looking you straight in the eye, “I know it’s not easy, I know it hurts. You’ve probably sat there overthinking - a million and one questions running through your head. You’ve been unable to sleep, creating different scenarios in you mind while making a list of regrets. Stop, you can’t blame yourself for someone else’s inability to provide the love you deserve. Today is just like any other day, difficult as hell but you’ll do what you’ve always done. You’ll get over it. You’ll be alright.”

Instantaneously, tears burst out of your eyes. You had tried your best to pretend to be alright, pretend that moving on was going well. Evidently, your heart was still broken and taking time to mend itself back together.

You expected Jeno’s eyes to be filled with pity or maybe sympathy but all you found was understanding and comfort. Jeno continued, “Cry. Cry as much as you need. Scream, shout, whatever it is. You are not weak for crying. You are brave - gosh, you gave Jisung a black eye after he pranked you with a fake spider for god’s sake. You are a warrior and you know that, I really hope you do.”

And you spent the rest of the evening bawling in front Jeno.

The Second Month and a Week

Following the unexpected therapy session with Jeno, he walked you back home in silence, promising you that you would make it out stronger.

You made your way back to the cafe, craving some of Johnny’s caramel macchiato. Pushing the glass doors of the cafe, you entered the cafe to see Jeno sitting at the exact same spot he was at a week ago.

It was your turn to approach him, “Hey, do you mind if I sit down here?”

He looked up at you with his signature eye-smile, “Hey warrior.”

His smile was so contagious, you found your lips curving up subconsciously. It felt weird, it felt as if it had been years since you genuinely smiled, not just to convince your mother that you were doing well.

“Jaemin and I used to come here all the time together, feels odd without him,” it was not your intention to bring him up but it came out naturally. You saw the smile on Jeno’s face falter slightly for a split second.

Deciding to lighten the mood, he laughed awkwardly, “What do you call sad coffee?”

Jaemin used to complain about Jeno’s dad jokes but you were never on the receiving end of them. Humouring him you said, “Please enlighten me...dad.”

“I’m not really into that kinda thing, warrior. Anyway, it’s a depresso!” he laughed as if he had told the funniest joke in all of history.

As much as you hated it, you started laughing along amused by his sense of humour or lack thereof.

The Third Month

A few days after your encounter with Jeno at the cafe, the both of you swapped numbers. Jeno had wiggled himself into your routine, being the friend you needed despite the unwelcomed jokes.

You were on the way to Jeno’s house after he offered to cook for you. Jaemin still owned a piece of your heart but you were learning to love him in another way.

“Welcome Madame to our Michelin star restaurant! Our renowned chef Lee Jeno has prepared dinner for you!” Jeno opened the door to his apartment with a chef hat on his head while doing a little curtsy.

Trying to hold in your laughter, you followed his lead to the dining table. On the table sat two bowls of ramen with a boiled egg. You knew Jeno was kidding when he told you he could cook - Jaemin used to complain about it all the time. Regardless, you appreciated his efforts.

“I even went to the store just to buy eggs and I don’t even like eggs,” Jeno whined. You stared at him with surprise and confusion.

“You literally have gudetama keychains on every bag of yours. Of course, you’re one of those weirdos who love eggs,” he laughed it off as if it was a casual observation.

After a dinner filled with giggles and more jokes on Jeno’s end, the both of you settled on the couch to watch a movie. Without consulting you, Jeno set his computer before you. Within seconds, you realised that he had picked your all-time favourite, Marley and Me.

“How’d you know I love Marley and Me?” you could not recall ever mentioning your favourite movie to Jeno.

“Duh, I’m a mind reader,” Jeno deadpanned, “Ok fine, you posted a picture of a labrador pup a week ago so I guessed you’d like Marley and Me. Also, you cry all the time.”

As usual, movie night ended with you in tears. It felt cathartic to cry over something other than Jaemin but the movie only reminded you of the movie nights the both of you would have.

Seated on the couch and tucked under Jeno’s blankets, he held your chin up and stared into your eyes, “You’ll be alright, warrior.”

Finally, you started to believe that you would be alright.

The Fourth Month

That faithful movie night drew the both of you closer and you found yourself starting to become more reliant on Jeno. He noticed the littlest things and paid attention to detail. Jaemin only found out that you loved eating eggs a week before the breakup (he always assumed that you just found gudetama cute).

You knew that Jeno would never hurt you. Hell, he was allergic to cats but that did not stop him from adopting cats. That was exactly what terrified you. Jeno made you happy and you knew that being happy was one of the most terrifying things in the universe. Once you were happy, you knew it could be taken away from you.

And that was why you had been avoiding Jeno for a week, coming up with excuses such as being on your period, mourning the fifteen death anniversary of your pet lizard and every other ridiculous excuse you could think of.

Something had changed between you and Jeno. Initially, it had been shy glances then your heart started to beat faster when the both of your pinkies touched while reaching for popcorn. You knew you were screwed when you started to unironically giggle in response to his jokes (only because his smile was so damn contagious).

It was only a matter of time that Jeno would have had enough of your avoidance and confront you about it. You decided to clear your mind by walking over to Johnny’s.

Heaven had a funny way of bringing people together. Jeno was seated at your usual table as if he had expected you to appear.

You sat before Jeno, thinking of ways to start a conversation. What were you supposed to say? Hey I might just love you and that’s scary? What if he did not feel the same way?

Saving you from your thoughts, Jeno started, “I will keep the spiders.”

You stared at him bewildered, “Huh?” After a week of not talking, that was all he had to say?

Flustered, Jeno stammered, “I said, I will kill the spiders. I will walk to the store to buys eggs. I will boil them for exactly eight minutes, no more, no less, because that’s how you like them. I’ll try my best not to get annoyed when you make me wash the dishes. I will watch Marley and Me with you for a lifetime. I will stock up on tissues so you don’t have to use my blanket to wipe your tears. I will stop my dad jokes, sometimes. Or at least I promise to think of funnier ones to make you laugh. I will, albeit begrudgingly, let you fill my bed with gudetama soft toys even though they always end up on the floor in the morning. I will let you take my hoodie, not always, just whenever they get too small for me. I will love you. I will love you, warrior.”