•I sing the body electric•

You know, it’s funny. The majority of my blog was a letter to him. Most of the time, it was a sprawling love letter spanning hundreds of pages. Occasionally, it was a big fuck you to him. But as my first love, he captivated everything I was and I couldn’t let go.  That is, until he told me he was married. I loved him consciously and subconsciously for four years- an ever constant battle. My war to overcome.  When he told me he would win back my love after four years of struggling, I was elated. And then months (about 2, actually) later, he drops the bomb. Married.  It was easy then. No one gets engaged and married within two months. He didn’t give a lot of back story, unsurprisingly. He told me we would continue to be friends, his wife knew! But if he told his wife everything he needed to tell her, there was no way she would be comfortable with us talking. I wouldn’t be. It was then I realized I would rather put another woman’s trust/love/relationship/MARRIAGE ahead of my own devotion to him- to save her from what I went through, maybe, I’m not sure. But it was right then for me. While he was engaged, he was telling me he would win back my love. That he had loved me since he met me and that we would end up together. And she had no clue, probably. And so, my love for him dissolved into oblivion. I wish him well, I do. I hope his marriage is successful, I hope his children are healthy. I wish them no ill will. We would have never worked out in the long run, anyway. We were two neutron stars colliding, resulting in the most spectacular black hole the universe had seen. Engulfing everything in our path, including each other. Eventually, there would have been nothing left.  I’ll admit, I think back to those times still, it was about five years ago now. But my thoughts are drastically different. I was so naive. A boy who loved to read and could actually form complete sentences! A boy who was smart! A boy who wrote letters! That’s where my bar was. All the signs were right there, too, I saw them. I chose to ignore them. I told my friends about him and left out all the manipulation, the cheating, the lies, the views that definitely weren’t lining up with my values. And I chose to be loyal. When I look back, I don’t feel sorry for that girl. I know where her heart was. She learned a lot, that’s for sure. She learned confidence, she learned grace and poise. She learned boundaries. She learned pain- deep, seemingly unhealable pain. She learned she was fully capable of maintaining a long distance relationship, and she was loyal beyond belief. She believed in the benefit of the doubt, and above all, she believed in love. She still does.  Speaking of love, boy did she find it. I found it. It is pure, it is strong, it is light. We’re long distance again, but not on purpose. Same hometown, different colleges. We had a plan, he would come to me. But then this little diversion: he felt a calling to the military as well. For obvious reasons I had sworn off any man in uniform, but I will choose him over anything. And he chooses me. Every day.  I understand why I went through all the pain. I know now what I was training for. It was easy then, but only half of the participants were willing. Now, love is a breeze. Everything is love now, we swim in it. Our conflicts are respectful, our feelings are validated, and our relationship is never on the line. We communicate so effectively we could be the examples in textbooks. I thought everyone was blowing smoke up my ass when they talked about knowing who “the one” is, and now I laugh when I think about how I wanted it to be someone else. There is no other person on the entire planet that could ever compare. He is perfect for me and I am perfect for him. We’re not perfect individuals, but we’re damn perfect together. Equal partners, equally matched.  We’re getting married. In Austria. We have a wedding date. We’re keeping it a secret for now, something special, just for us. And we’re changing both of our last names, not just me. “We’re equals. We’re a family. I love you.”  I wanted to post this last update as a tribute to the girl I once was. I see her posts of what a perfect boyfriend would be, what she wants in a husband, what her wedding dress may look like. And I want to tell her that I found all those things (including the wedding dress!!) and so much more. It’s healthy, it’s romantic, it’s passionate, it’s honest, it’s all-encompassing. You did it. We did it. It was all worth it. Your pain was not in vain.  I want to tell her thank you. From you, I have gained immeasurable confidence. I have grown to love myself as I am, I have learned that I am strong. I have learned to be comfortable in uncertainty, to always apologize when you are wrong, and to never apologize for being right. I own my mistakes and I celebrate my successes. I am smart on my own and do not have to prove it to people, they see it written on my face. No one can stand in my way, and sometimes I dare them to try. I am happy. Finally happy.  So thank you. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for never giving up. Thank you for knowing we are destined for greatness and for making sure we had a fighting chance in getting there. Thank you for every choice you made. It has led us to exactly where we need to be. Where I need to be. I am home.  Thank you.