Calypso's Island

Maybe you never really like me, you just like feeling wanted.

I wish I never met you, because I'm not sure if I believe in love anymore.

As a bisexual whose dating history is entirely composed of men, can I say that dating men is kinda like doing drugs.

It kinda keeps you numb. You feel safe and secure in this world (for a lot of fucked reasons), like the security of having a man to cling to like some customized pepper spray in your purse can sometimes eliminate the growing anxiety of everyday life. In which everyday life you spend surrounded by love from yourself and others, but cannot shake all the thoughts of your increasingly ever-present alone time.

Dating a woman is harder. It's complex and soul searching, working and listening. It's growth.

I had this revelation a few days ago as I was thinking about my future dating life and what standards I have. I question my dating standards (but not ever really who I think is hot, tea). Why do I still crave dating men (specifically cis het men in these instances) when I know that logically it makes more sense to embrace my queerness and explore it at this juncture in my life?? And some thought kind of stuck with me, that no man can really teach me about emotional growth and change, I'm a pretty knowledgeable person, but I've never really met a man who matches me on emotional intelligence. So really, the growth that I crave and glorify is not likely going to come from a cis-het man... so why the FUCK do I insist on dating them... jesus fuck.

And so maybe the reason is men feel more socially natural, I was kinda raised into it, the expected roles feel like an old, worn boot still molded to my feet. Y'know we all exist and are molded by a patriarchy so y'know, at the end of it all I'm compelled to who I'm compelled to... and with cis-het men it's been comfortable and warm, numbing and breezy. It's like drugs.

So the permanent question of the present is whether or not I want to stay numb, stay safe and comfortable enough but maybe having to compromise some of yourself for it? (Like relationships are compromise, right? Relationships are work.) Or do I chose a harder path to exploring my queerness and growth. Opening myself up to learning and new experiences?

Backstory (03/08):

It's just kinda vaguely related because I think that I'm attracted to a cis-het guy, in a situation I really cannot be putting myself in... so y'know the drill, name change time.

So uhh my friend Dell has been interested in this guy who comes over here to hang out and chill out sometimes. Here's the thing, I've thought he was cute for a long time as well, probably similar to Dell. (A while ago I even brought up that I thought he was cute once and they said that it would only cause drama) But Dell has more time and is more forward so they've gotten to hang out more and actually go to know him more. And since they openly expressed interested interest in him first I wanted to support them, cause they seemed really excited and intent on it. I'm still secretly kinda crushing on him. A group of us hung out tonight... and like... I felt TENSION in that room between and this guy and me. Like the flirting was subtle, but obvious. Like gestures toward me that happen to graze my arm, like sneaking some glances, kind of cute, fun flirty stuff. Honestly feels real deal, since I haven't had someone flirt with me like that for a while... but y'know Dell is hanging out with us and I can't just totally flirt back, cause I know they like him a lot. (And the whole thing last semester with them and C and B).

But the tension... and he's generally sweet... maybe a bit off kilter and is a massive stoner... he does sometimes misgender Dell though... which is always interesting... definitely a yellow flag bro. And he forgot to tell us that he could be sick??? Like contact traceable... bRUH. But like everyone finds it to be a big inconvenience and like weird... but no like character judgements are being made, but I've got a tab on this guy for this. Makes me suspicious of how seriously he takes things and how far he is into "libertarian boy" type that I tragically attract.

Like:

Hotch's near death experience in S9...

(and countless others; will list when I rewatch)

Like what the mindfucking fuck is this emotional psychology is this?? What acid trip brought the writers here? Honestly they always ate impeccable and entertaining and deeply informative of a philosophy so like??? Pretty cool shit.

The nose

The browbone

The high cheekbones

Google Photos Deep Dive

I was such a child in high school, how was O*** attracted to me? I was so young. I looked like... 13 when I was 17... oh its because I was young, naiive, easy to manipulate... and honestly I think part of it was that super young face was just attractive to him... kinda icky vibes from him there not gonna lie (with other instances too eek)...

Also I idolized him so much... there are pictures of me calling him a god or saying how much I love him... goddammit that man really had a vice-grip on me... oof.

Such adhd vibes... bruh I was looking through this shit and thinking "oh my god this screams mentally unwell, very undiagnosed and suffering/coping energy. The random crafting when I'm stressed, the hair journeys, the prevailing emotional states, the "quirky-but-I'm-actually-just-neurodivergent," all of it just screams "female-bodied individual who is just told they're too much" and oh man it's kinda sad and exhausting to look at knowing that I HAVEN'T gotten to finding help for this even though I have a general grasp on how I'm stiggling and what I'd need to succeed. Damn. But I mean it's also good to remember that these have been problems for me forever, it's not just the present that sucks and was stressful but that it's been a constant. In a way it kinda ties me to myself as an identity marker (not in the way that my mental health defines me) like that I've always been goofy, out-there, expressive, and creative in similar ways that I am now. Kinda bittersweet but wholesome.

I looked so young. I was so young. I have to remind myself that I AM so young. Only 21, really just starting my adult life.

All of the memories of self that you leave there? And then you come back and nothing has changed, as if nothing has changed, as if time never touched it?

Sometimes is feel like that room, lost to time, filled to the brim with life but simultaneously completely empty.

Everyone asks "if walls could talk...?" but no one asks how the walls feel as they wait, frozen in an everlasting moment, hoping for its purpose to resume.

I'm a bisexual nonbinary person. I've known I was bi since middle school and been out as nonbinary for nearly two years, but I've had gender questions probably since middle school too.

I mainly want to talk about my sexuality, but real quick just a tad on how gender interacts with my sexuality. I constantly feel a lot of anxiety and imposter syndrome when it comes to the intersection of my bisexuality and my gender identity because my sexual/romantic interactions with men made me feel invalidated on both accounts. I have spent a long time analyzing who I am and I do enjoy my attraction to men, deeply and truly, and I will not apologize for it, but I still sometimes feel the anxieties of imposter syndrome. I sometimes feel as though my gender will never be fully recognized by anyone I'm involved with, specifically with men. I sometimes won't even acknowledge my gender and fall into cis normativity with men in fear of their reactions, either dangerous or dismissive. So that's always fun.

Given this, one might ask why I chose to still engage with men and rather focus on developing my relationships with women and other genders. And this is where my bi panic kicks in.

Even though I have known I am bisexual for a long while, I have not ever dated a woman. I have a lot of anxieties around relationships with women, mainly sexual anxieties. Firstly, being bisexual it is easy enough to hide in the heteronormative world and not have to deal with all the bullshit of fighting for recognition outside of that, especially since I am still very young it has been nerve wracking to fight that fight and feel secure in that identity. Growing up is hard, pretty understandable.

I would generally categorize myself as a pretty sexual person, I don't necessarily feel like I have a super high sex drive but I do definitely enjoy it and I'm very open about it. As a teenager I was definitely targeted as a slut/whore and not really taken seriously. People either wanted to get with me or demonize me, and if they couldn't get with me they would demonize me. Additionally, bisexuality itself was not taken very seriously and I held onto a lot of internalized homophobia and biphobia, I lived in a very heteronormative place, it was difficult to explore without ridicule.

I've been able to grow and recognize a lot of these behaviors, I've been able to teach myself some love and acceptance. Now I think my fear of sexuality when it come to women comes from internalized fears of sexuality. Since I was always the "whore" I have felt the need to prove myself. In a sense it was a "I may be a whore, but I'm good at it" type of deal. That was generally my coping mechanism. I would feel worthless if I wasn't 'good' at sex. Other people have constantly diminished all of my personality to my sexuality because I am so open about it, so I felt that I needed to defend myself by being good. I will say this still happens to this day. A feminine person being open and unashamed about their sex life causes a lot of people distress for some reason (toxic hatred of femininity).

When it comes to men there's a sort of ease, like I don't have to be fantastic because to a certain extent men are just excited to have sex in general. They are given a certain expectation of being the ones who are supposed to be in charge or doing the work, so it can be easy enough to let some anxiety go when it comes to having sex with men, it can be formulaic in a way. I still feel like I have something to prove, but I can let go a bit because of gender expectations (which brings up some feelings I have about my gender too...). In short, it feels easier to have sex with men and I have more experience doing it so it feels more comfortable.

When having sex with women I become very anxious. What if I'm not good enough? What if I'm just like all those stories of of men who can't make their partners happy? It's quite easy for me to enjoy myself, so what if I'm just a selfish lover and can't make women happy? It's easy enough to be selfish with men because it works in their favor also, so it's not so anxiety inducing.

Also it's just scary to talk to women and all that because I don't want to be seen as predatory. It's also hard enough when being a very visibly queer person when my current dating pool in college is pretty cis-normative and I can feel some women looking at me in disgust and fear.

But he holds my hand as we fall asleep next to each other.

He kisses me at 4 am.

He looks at me after I apologize for ranting and tells me, "no, what you like, I love."

I want to be able to text you everyday and not worry about it.

I want to be able to tell you how much I want to be with you and not be scared of it.

Firstly, I can't even think to decide what love means in a romantic sense. I have feelings and I try to rationalize them and sort through them to decide on which feelings I am to act. And that just seems normal to me. I analyze, and I try to distance myself from feelings that I have that aren't productive.

This is hard given a current situation I'm in. I'm hooking up with a friend and I fear I'm in too deep. I thought that I could distance my feelings for him and just continue the friends with benefits situation as is. This is becoming very emotionally taxing on me, I often find myself wishing he cared for me in the same way I care about him.

I've told him how I feel and that I can handle it, but I'm not so sure that I can.

I don't want to continue this under the pretense that I can be emotionally removed, that seems dishonest in a way. It seems to me that my ulterior motives of having such strong feelings for him can be used as a tactic of manipulation. To omit these feelings from conversation feels like a lie. And I continue sleeping with him hoping he grows to see me the way I see him. It sounds manipulative, and I don't want to manipulate anyone. I want him to make decisions freely.

He has guards up, there could be multiple reasons due to his lack of romantic experience or real interest in any of that. His family would also not approve of me, and I know that that also affects the situation.

There are so many levels that I cannot understand, and am slightly afraid to ask.

I fear that is I continue as is I put myself in emotional jeopardy and generally put myself in a position to be manipulative. But if I talk about all of this then I risk losing him and all the happiness I have found in his company.

I told him that I want open and honest communication, and he said he can do the honest part but is not so good with being open. The lack of clarity I have on his feelings and situation is making my head spin.

The feelings are all so overwhelming, and I feel like I have nowhere to turn.

A conversation for another layer of clarity:

Alcoholics for the weekend

Your resolve begins to weaken

Your vision starts to blurry

And your mother tends to worry

Stop, forget about your parents

All you'll ever do is scare them

So the bottle comes in handy

You're the black sheep of the family

You know your brother never listens

And your sisters eyes just glisten

But you know when she gets older

That shimmer glazes over

And your father always told you

These boys never want to hold you

They'll just look into your eyes

Oh well, I guess I'll go fuck his housemate about it.