pitchforks and pleasers

my roommate caused a massive flea infestation im our home and owes me $700 cause of course i had to front the money for it ugh

but i finally went to the 8seconds rodeo and set the record for womens' mechanical bull for the night at 81 seconds!! got to try on archival margiela (90s wool coat and jabot 🙂‍↔️) , and helmut (white blazer with ancient coin) this stylist's archive

made a new friend named perla who texted me the pic of beautiful horse lamps she found somewhere in NYC. im going there at the end of the month to see Queen of Versaille broadway premiere with club girlies and am probably gonna stay for halloween too.

the flea infestation has been devasating and i've been staying with friends for the last two weeks cause i can't go back to my house til they're all gone. but im so grateful for my friends have all been there for me. it's felt like i've had one big sleepover for the last two weeks.

this has been maybe the 2nd worst summer of my life (first one was when i was 18 and lived in NY and was just on a bender and dissocaiting the whole time). but this time i chose to shut myself in my room instead of going on a bender. stopped working at the club so i wouldn't be drinking as much and the thought of being touched by anyone right now is too repulsive to me.

sometimes when my anxiety gets really bad i call my mom and we'll talk for 8 hours on the phone throughout the day. and then she called me too codependent on my mom? bitch, that's my MOTHER???

in the last 6 months i have talked to my mom more than i have in the last decade. yes the circumstances that made this happen are awful, but i am still grateful to be mending my relationship with her. S also said a bunch of really awful things but that was the worst. i don't really know how to process this and i don't want to end a friendship over this but the amount of hurtful things they have said and done to me don't feel worth it even though i am also grateful for when they have been kind and supportive.

this couple had a popsicle cart and walked up us to sell popsicles while i was ~very~ obviously crying and i literally stared at them and just said "can't you see i am having a really bad time right now"

i rarely ever go off on people, and am usually pretty rational when it comes to disagreements with friends (they rarely even come up), but S has continuously tried to pick fights with me for the last 5 years and i just feel so done with it. if anything it made me realize that they're actually weirdly codependent on my friendship with them which is why every time we hang out i feel like i'm being reprimanded.

it almost ruined my day, but tonight my SATC girlies and I finally had time to meet up and we read the lorde/lena dunham/jack antonoff cheating powerpoint out loud while eating girl dinner, and then we watched the mimi rose howard episodes of Girls. and it's nice to know that real friendship like.