My other blog is a TARDIS

but fails to consider that ice is. so slippery.

After Shane & Ilya's first joint Cup win a picture of them kissing on the ice ends up on the cover of Time and Ilya posts online like "yes yes it was a very nice photo @/unnamedphotographer but have any of you seen this one my father-in-law took named Madonna & Co-Critic" and Shane threatens bodily harm in his comments

I also can't help imagining someday in the future when Shane is the Centaurs' assistant GM or coach or consultant or whatever, Ilya comes by during an open practice and 20 minutes later he's blowing up the Hollander Fam groupchat like-

Ilya: DAVID DAVID DAVID DAVID Ilya: DAVID YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS Ilya: [photo attached] [picture of Shane holding their two-year-old daughter, both of them watching the rink with identical judgmental expressions] Ilya: DAVID THIS IS THE BEST PICTURE I HAVE EVER TAKEN WHAT SHOULD I NAME IT

David is thrilled, Shane is unimpressed, Yuna maybe finally gets the hype because that's adorable

I'M SO GLAD OTHER PEOPLE LIKED IT BECAUSE IT'S TRULY ONE OF MY FAVORITE THINGS I'VE EVER WRITTEN

and oh my GOD THE IDEA!!! OF A SECOND ONE HAPPENING!! WITH SHANE AND THEIR DAUGHTER!!

I AM SCREAMING AND WAILING AND SHRIEKING!!

I know we said Shane is Miko’s little brother whom she loves very dearly (read: heckles and annoys the shit out of him), but don’t you think Miko deserves a little sister? A girl HAS to have a sister!!

Yuna, who is part of a group of avid bird enthusiasts, learns about another bird who needs a new home. She’s the same species as Miko and her previous owner was also Japanese (this bird speaks Japanese!). There is no one else more perfect to take her then Yuna. So, one of Yuna’s friends from the group obviously had the great idea of mentioning this to her. Now Yuna can’t help but keep thinking about this bird who is all alone and needs a family.

“David! We have to! It’s destiny! Shane just moved out!”

(In this verse this obviously happens when Shane starting his rookie season)

So empty nesters Yuna and David acquire a second bird, Miko’s brand new little bird sister, Keiko.

Shane is not very happy when he ventures home for a long weekend and is swarmed by two birds shrieking his name.

“SHANE. SHANE. SHANE. SHANE.”

They sound practically demonic. Shane is very much NOT pleased at all. He now has to deal with double the trouble and teasing from his bird sisters.

Bird sisters. BIRD SISTERS. SISTERS. Sisters plural. He could cry.

Keiko has been learning from Miko, so now double the chaos ensues.

OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SO MUCH

i love keiko the parrot (in multiple senses lmao) who doesn't know WHY they're screaming this word, but miko started doing it when this strange man walked through the door so sure!! she'll join!!! SHANE! SHANE! SHANE!

shane goes home to visit for the first time after they get keiko, opens the door to a wall of noise, and then just. shuts it.

in actual fucking TEARS cackling about this

shane going through personal relationship war and can't even have the initial, "hey this is ilya. i love him." conversation beCAUSE THESE LOUD ASS BIRDS!! WON'T SHUT!!! THE FUCK UP!!!!

conversation gets derailed and poor ilya is now just. standing there. (because also didn't get a warning about the birds existing because shane didn't think about it when The Everything Else was more pressing, and also he played it off for shane's sake, but i do think he was a little nervous, too, about how this would go.) because now shane has to go over and greet the birds so they'll shut the fuck up and everyone can hear each other, but miko is mad they came to House Where Shane Comes Over Often and shane didn't come over often, so she starts climbing down her perch and extending her lil foot and going "SHANE! step up? up? pretty bird step up?" and shane is trying and failing to negotiate with the fucking bird WHO CAN'T READ A ROOM.

so now he has to be holding miko, and obviously keiko doesn't want to get left out if her sister is going to be hanging out on someone, so she skitters down, too, and pulls a "up? up? step up? SHANE! step up?"

NOT THE KISSY NOISES

ilya so ready to stand by and be supportive or be the bad guy if that made it easier on shane with his parents, but he truly just. does not know what to do about this bird leaning over from shane's shoulder and going, "kiss kiss? muAH!" (keiko is the one who wants kisses because her last owner did it all the time) (ilya, though, doesn't know how to take a bird?? hitting on him???? he's REALLY trying to stay focused and solid for shane, but there is a blue head leaning into his field of vision repeatedly demanding a kiss, and it's REALLY hard to keep his eyes forward past that)

and AAAAAHHHHH! I said in the original miko post that talking to miko like a person was how yuna knew david was the one for her, and I am SCREAMING and in my feelings about it immediately making her more open to ilya here.

he KNOWS

those two demons are going to pick it up

i love the idea of shane just accepting that the world is going to try and box him into SOMETHING other than just hockey so FUCK IT

SNAKES

if herptology with hollzy means he doesn't get any more questions about gay culture that he cannot answer and doesn't want to learn about, then FINE

this is also me speaking from the outside so possible i'm wrong, but i feel like a significant portion of the snake community is queer people, and i am so delighted by the idea of shane just. stumbling his way into accidental queer community through the avenue of snakes.

i love the idea of shane just accepting that the world is going to try and box him into SOMETHING other than just hockey so FUCK IT

SNAKES

if herptology with hollzy means he doesn't get any more questions about gay culture that he cannot answer and doesn't want to learn about, then FINE

and Ilya has to make a choice if he’s going to marry into a clearly INSANE family (Yuna has like 13 ongoing habitats)

it meant. snakes. coming out. and existing around him. so much around him.

shane just has spaghetti, but yuna has alfredo, ragu, and pesto.

alfredo, ragu, and pesto LOVE ilya.

david, having a lovely time doing this puzzle: no, none for me. i don't mind them, but snakes are just yuna's thing.

ilya, thanking a god he hasn't spoken to in years that at least there are not more snakes he doesn't know about inside this house with him: oh, that's-

david: no, for me it's just my lizards.

ilya:

yuna and david met at a reptile expo in college and used to joke about yuna being pregnant with a frog baby when shane got kicky in there, so shane's cutesy pet name when he was a kid was kermit

and she watches as ilya speedruns all of the stages of grief before he goes, "yes, of course. not a problem." (a liar who lies)

shane: the fucking thing that we used with the pancake mix

ilya: whisk?

shane: no the flat thing!

ilya: pan?

shane: no, the flip!

ilya: spatula?

shane: YES THE SPATULA! anyway cassie i think our spatula isn’t really good do you gave a good brand you can recommend?

no you’re never sleeping there. a) it’s bad for your back and b) it’s bad for my mental health

why is it bad for your mental health?

not cuddling with you makes me sad :(

You direct a sports documentary about two of the greatest hockey players in the world. And how they were bitter rivals but eventually became friends and even started a charity together. It’s good, juicy, it gets excellent ratings, and is possibly award winning. The future is bright.

ESPN’s publicists keep talking about how you had unprecedented levels of access to these superstars, and meticulously combed through over a decade of footage of them. The only thing viewers grumble about is that they still don’t know why Ilya Rozanov left Boston for Ottawa. It’s the one mystery of their rivalry that you couldn’t unravel. But overall, the reactions are very positive. A professional triumph for you.

And then only a month later, the whole world (including you) is astonished to find out that these heated rivals have been in a serious and secret romantic relationship for years!!! And you missed the whole thing! One (1) month ago.

The documentary would quickly go from jewel in the crown to albatross around the neck of everybody involved in it. Because you did all this research, you had all this access, and yet you didn’t have a clue. They’re together? They’re getting fucking married? Ilya Rozanov moved to Ottawa because he was more in love with Shane Hollander than he was with being on a cup winning team?

Oh my God, ESPN would be contemplating destroying every copy of the documentary they commissioned, and which had great ratings. Everybody involved in making it has to log into LinkedIn and delete it from their professional history.

NEARLY because Shane Hollander catches her with his professional athlete reflexes. With no room to move on the crowded steps, he pulls her into a bridal carry like she weighs peanuts and twists and shuffles her to a seat. He places her down gently and gets on one knee to ask if she’s ok. She is truly swooning. Everyone in the stadium is swooning.

Shane rights himself and to his surprise a grown woman and girlfriend of his teammate is requesting “uppies”. He tries to laugh it off. Dr. Lisa Hayes announces “You guys are amateurs, watch this!”

She sprints up a couple of steps, turns, and jumps. Shane catches her immediately, but flops her into a fireman carry. He goes full captain about how unsafe this is and they should all know better. He then puts Lisa down just as gently and she high-fives the new girl with no remorse.