it's only time

the first time shane & ilya spend ilya’s birthday together i think the vibe really is ‘saying all of my dog’s favorite words in the same sentence’ because shane wants to make sure its ilya’s best birthday ever & doesn’t know how to do anything by half . shanevoice ilya pay attention i have a plan (nooo hollanderrrrr i want to fuck you NOW is my birthday :((((( how could u be so cruel to me) ok we’re taking the ferrari to mcdonald’s for mcgriddles (ilya visibly perking up) you are allowed to go 125 km/h but only if the coast is clear (imaginary tail beginning to wag) & you have to slow down if you want road head . when we get home we are taking a pot gummy & going swimming & i am grilling for lunch (ilya, his eyes huge, in the apron i bought for you?) yes ilya in the meat daddy apron . then shower, nap, one beer, dinner at my parents’ house, home by 6, and then i’ll give you your birthday present 🙂 does that sound good ? ilya, crying, shane this is my best birthday ever (shanevoice ilya it’s 9 am we haven’t even done any of it yet) MY BEST BIRTHDAY EVER WITH MY BOYFRIEND WHO I LOVE . & after they fuck (because obviously that was the first thing on the agenda shane just likes when ilya whines & begs for it & ilya does too) shane is back-to-business rustling around the bedroom putting their clothes out & talking about nothing while ilya watches from the bed w the big dopey smile of a man enamored with the bus that just ran him over

the first birthday where shane gets ilya a cake and presents he worries he did something wrong because ilya freezes and then is like “what is this? “and shane is like “it’s your birthday?” and ilya is like “you remembered this?” and shane is like “well obviously i remembered your birthday?” and ilya is staring and shane is like “sorry do you not like it i can exchange it for—” but then ilya is crying big boo hoo tears. the second birthday ilya spends the entire week being a bossy bratty little bitch. hollander you must come swimming it is my birthday. hollander you have to come dancing it is my birthday. hollander you need to wear that blue mesh shirt it is my birthdayyyyyyy.

Ilya cannot commit to a lockscreen so he has a full album of pictures that rotate. Pictures of him and Shane looking happy and disgustingly in love, pictures from Shane's photoshoots where he looks mouthwateringly hot, a couple of pictures of Anya though Shane is also featured in some of them, pictures of Shane at various events looking distinguished and dapper and also still so hot, a few from their wedding day. Every time he picks up his phone and sees that the picture has switched he gets a soft little smile on his face, just taking a moment to look at it before unlocking his phone, heart eyes on full display. It's a running joke among the Centaurs that if Shane isn't around on a night out, Roz is not allowed to look at his phone or he's going home immediately.

Shane's lockscreen is Ilya grinning at the camera, still in hockey gear, hair damp with sweat, his lip split and bleeding from a fight on the ice.

Happy Ilya's Birthday Eve! Be sure to leave some cigarettes out for him tonight.

ok but now we must all picture fat baby shane in a little lifejacket being tossed into the lake off the dock and floating around like a dazed little marshmallow

i knowwwwww in my heart ilya would love taking shanes last name and after they have kids referring to their family unit as hollanders. ilya turning around to the backseat like okey hollanders here is plan. we are going to be in and out of costco in thirty minutes. you may choose ONE item each. if we get separated we meet at optometrist. we will get ice creams on the way out as long as everyone is cool and nobody tells dad. hollanders on three.

okay what are everyone's hope and dreams for the s2 press tour i'll go first: hudson on ziwe, connor on very important people with vic michaelis, and both of them on a throuple chicken shop date