mood vomit

and you just chose to not deserve me. then so be it.

and by mean everywhere, on every platform we’re so used to connect to each other with. tell me how it feels to blocked me on the game that i love the most. tell me how it feels like to unfollowed me on spotify where most of my playlists are all with you in it. tell me how it feels like to listen to songs and references that we damn know to each other so well.

gue bnr2 pgn marah sama lo. gue gangerti. gue kalut banget. gue pengen bentak2 lo marah2in lo depan muka lo. gue pengen nangis kejer depan lo.

lo udah mainin perasaan gue. dan begonya gue, gue masih aja play along with ur fucking games. gue emang gaada harganya kali.

mungkin mantan lo bener. mungkin temen cewe lo bener. gue kegatelan sama lo. gue gaada harganya. mau2nya gue baper sama lo.

dan setelah itu semua bisabisanya lo block gue? of all the people u should get away with are them not me. good for u for blocking them, but me?

call me egoistic but ive been fucking there for u.

i literally dont know what’s wrong with me. ok lo udah blg terakhir kali kalo lo kalut lo abis dimarahin mantan lo etc. i’d get how u feel for being bombarded like that. but to fucking blocked me everywhere? tf did u think? what did i fucking do?

gue sakit banget. gue sakit karena 1) lo mainin perasaan gue 2) lo TEMEN DEKET GUE BANGET. i’ve fucking told u everything. i’ve put u first in everything that i do and this is what i fucking get? maksud lo apaan?

gue mau marah bgt. i’ve been nice and shit. i’ve lost it now. gue ancur bgt skrg.

bayangin gue harus tetep stay sane karena gue fucking kerja. belom lagi gue tinggal sama nyokap- nyokap yg mana GABISA liat orang lain tuh sedih. lo tau terakhir kali gue sedih depan dia gue diapain? she fucking hit me. gue gabisa sedih di rumah gue sendiri. i fucking cant breathe even for myself. gue cuma bisa nangis DI TOILET UMUM. i dont get the room to even process my feelings. lo anjing. lo jahat banget. i hate this. i hate that i fucking care abt u.

it all happened really fast. once we were messing around, the next time we know, we caught feelings. it felt so right and too good to be true. he’s my best friend, the bestest ones. i had my fair share of fright- afraid that if something happened between us then so does our friendship

and so my nightmare comes to life.

his ex still haunts him. and he still tried to put everything back together- until he can’t.

he blocked everyone, including me.

ngl i cried. he’s my best friend. somewhere i knew that things might go wrong. but i’ve always put my heart on my sleeve. i’ve always tried to see the brightest of things, to see the positive in everything. and then it lasts- even for the very little time.

i’m scared.

rn, i feel empty. i’m not aching. but i’m beyond shocked. i feel lost. i’m scared. i don’t have the time and place to cry, to let my feelings out.

but again, somehow, somewhere within me, something helps me gone through things- again.

“we accept the love we think we deserve”

“what’s past is in the past. what matters is now.”

huh. i somehow always managed to nurture myself. to comfort myself. to encourage myself.

it is sad. very painful. to lost you. you’re more than just a fling. you’re my best friend. you were there and always listen and talk to me. but again, if it’s simply the way, and your decision, to left me- then there’s nothing i can do.

moved into a better place not only means as surrounding myself with laughter and joy but also that kind of feeling where i also feel comfortable and safe at night when i’m on my own. ❤️

because I don’t know if this feelings are real. he is a decent person, and I respect him.

moreover, I also don’t know what’s my feeling towards my ex so probably it’s for the best that I figure out my feelings and everything first.

it’s not good to put him in a situation where eventually I haven’t moved on or something, rite.

he’s a decent person. yes, there’s a lot of decent men to begin with. but I learn that it’ll work out if you already respect the person first, and I somehow believe that he’s up to the task.

but again, good things take time

idk if you read this or not but if you do, i’m actually not doing okay. i don’t know what you’re gonna do with this information but if you ever think that i easily “moved on” from u; no i don’t. my feelings for you were real and i believe that yours to me were real as well.

it’s because i kept caught you crawling back to we-know-damn-well-who so i really had enough of it. i can’t possibly be with someone who’s not entirely love me. to be with someone who still thinks about someone else like that. i deserve someone who loves me 100%. who knows damn well that he wants me. not like you. it’s never about “she’s already with someone else” “she doesn’t like me” damn right ofc she doesn’t and yes she’s already with someone else. i can fucking see that. the problem is you. you’re the one who has always crawled back at her.

and no, don’t you ever use the clapback of “but you also alrd be mutuals with your exes” fuck it i dont even have feelings for them at all. i dont talk to them with underlying intentions the way you did. one of them even reached back at me and i said no.

i loved you. fuck it, i even think i still am. but again, because reasons above.

not to mention how you have never approached my parents willingly. admit it; you never gonna talk to them if i don’t ask you to. and no, don’t you twist it back at me the way you used to by saying “but i already did?!” you did. you really did. only because i asked you to.

the most two red flags of yours and i still silently cried over you silently. i don’t know what the fuck is this feeling’s supposed to be but i know that those two things ain’t right to be ignored. you haven’t apologized about it and basically you haven’t apologized at all generally. i guess deep down i also need your apology. but to see your character; i don’t think you will.

Aside from the things I’ve previously mentioned, I also feel detached from myself. As someone who holds on dearly to themselves and regard highly the identity of oneself, I feel like I’m going nuts for feeling this way.

After a moment of spending time for myself (read: watching comfort series/anime), I gained my moment of epiphany;

I never really dive deep into my interests. I gave up first couple of tries.

I feel lost lately.

Once, I felt that a friend of mine has drifted away from me. A friend that was the most dearest to me. She knows things about me that not many people know, she gave me lots of advices, suggestions, and comfort, yet she drifted away like it was all nothing. I have considered her to be the most important friend of mine, one of many most important people in my life, and yet, she seems to only considered me as just another regular people in her life.

Someone that used to be everything that I know, also went away fro me. He has always seem to care about the little things that happened to me. His response and gestures was never grand, but I realized that those were sweet. He has given me many thoughtful replies and attentions, yet, it doesn’t erase the wrongs that he has done to me. He always reached back to that one girl. He wasn’t willingly went to my house. He barely made a move to my parents. He seemed to be often mad at me, and so on. I’ve always went back and forth to him, and it has always been like that between us, but this time, I think he really went away from me, after everything that has happened between us. I think it needs to be done this way anyway, to made a distance between each other and such, yet, my feelings are torn apart. I knew his mistakes are too severe to be forgiven just like that, yet, he has given me too many things and shaped me so hard as a person, it felt so wrong for him to left me the way he did right now.(From my point of view,) I believe that I need a proper apology from him, after everything that he has done to me, yet, he hasn’t really apologized to me, up until now. 

Two people who had contributed much in my life have drifted away from me, and I feel lost.

They were the people who literally shaped me. One is a dearest, closest friend of mine, and the other one is a long-time on-off flame of mine. Respectively, they have accompanied, molded, shaped, and made me who I am today. Yet, both of them drifted away from me.

Two people, who I’ve been granted as two of the most important and have a big role and place in my life, have drifted away from me.

Two people whom I used to think and regard as the people who were dearest to me, have drifted away,

and I’m starting to accept that.

The two people, who meant the world to me, have gone,

and this is my first step, to letting them go from my world.

because in the end, I need to save myself,

because in the end, I need to be there for myself,

because in the end, I need to look after myself,

because after all that I’ve been through, I need to love myself, and shake hands to everyone who went to my heart and go back went away from me again, a warm thank you, and keep walking.

because in the end, I’ve always been the one who’s always been there for myself,

and I need no longer holding on to people who left me, 

and cherish and be there for those whose always been there for me;

my family, 

the ones who are with me, either since the beginning or new faces

and most importantly;

at least, thats the first thing that came to my mind when im about to write abt you.

you came before me. literally and metaphorically.

you were born before me, and have known The Void before me.

youre funny. youre fun to be with. at least for me.

the moment i caught The Void trying to reach you, i was on fire. i was on heat. i wonder. then i reached to you as well.

and truth to be told, i was never get jealous of you to begin with.

like i said, i understand why The Void like u so much. because i like you too. i think i saw what The Void saw in you. no wonder.

while i was always in The Void, your shadows were always there, too.

i was always aching. dazzled by The Light. you shine too bright. i was always aching.

to saw your pictures. to saw your things that The Void always likes, lurking in.

until now, i finally talk to you, and we actually get along pretty well.

and i realize now, that you really were never wrong to begin with and nor even i blame you in the first place.

i have so much to tell you, but i can’t.

i guess it’s because of your inability to convey your emotions at all.

they say men have the tendency to be cold, heartless.

so i guess, that’s on it.

the unspeakable rule of the society, the invisible power that dictates men.

the whisperings. the stares. the labels. the judges.

too bad that you’re the victim of it.

or are you?

i heard from the old woman that you used to be nice, though when she think about it again today, you were a jerk to begin with. you and your red flags.

but you were nice. at least to me.

they say you should be my first love. and you were. you were everything to me

or at least from what i remember.

from the photographs where you cradled me high, or where i was holding you tight at the backseat of your bike, or when you made your quirky smile with two stick balls behind me—

huh, i broke to tears now.

i miss the old you. you’re weird now. you’re so distant.

you’re here, but you’re not here. you seem to have your own conflict. you’re distant. i bet everyone can see the light has gone from your face.

i’m disappointed.

i’m about to make a word or two about how are you now, but i can’t even managed to do that.

imagining your face to begin with, makes me sick.

i’m sick.

you’re here, but you’re not.

you’re worn out.

you’re no longer my first love

and i’m lost.

for the past few days i’ve seen the light. whenever i missed you, i also realized that some things aren’t that compatible between us. each day i can come up with more and more reasons why i wouldn’t last long with the current you, and whose fault is that? apparently i also grew wiser enough to conclude that with every relationship, it takes two to tango, as well as breakups. you have your faults and responsibility in this breakup and so do i. moreover, i have to be fine, either with or without you, and i won’t chase you or hold on to you. my time has passed beyond that point. 

i realize that all this time you really were always there for me, and the fault is on me who took that for granted. it was lovely to always have someone who’s always there for you. now that you left, i realize that, and i’m sorry, and i’ll become a better person. not solely just for you, but for my sake as well.

i always fall hard for someone.

and honestly, that’s not a weakness.

i see that as a strength.

it’s special.

to feel so deeply,

to live to the fullest,

it’s beautiful.

the thing is that,

i just haven’t found someone who look at this the same way as i do,

i haven’t.

i believe there’s someone out there who see this too,

i believe there is.