#main log

Aside from the things I’ve previously mentioned, I also feel detached from myself. As someone who holds on dearly to themselves and regard highly the identity of oneself, I feel like I’m going nuts for feeling this way.

After a moment of spending time for myself (read: watching comfort series/anime), I gained my moment of epiphany;

I never really dive deep into my interests. I gave up first couple of tries.

I feel lost lately.

Once, I felt that a friend of mine has drifted away from me. A friend that was the most dearest to me. She knows things about me that not many people know, she gave me lots of advices, suggestions, and comfort, yet she drifted away like it was all nothing. I have considered her to be the most important friend of mine, one of many most important people in my life, and yet, she seems to only considered me as just another regular people in her life.

Someone that used to be everything that I know, also went away fro me. He has always seem to care about the little things that happened to me. His response and gestures was never grand, but I realized that those were sweet. He has given me many thoughtful replies and attentions, yet, it doesn’t erase the wrongs that he has done to me. He always reached back to that one girl. He wasn’t willingly went to my house. He barely made a move to my parents. He seemed to be often mad at me, and so on. I’ve always went back and forth to him, and it has always been like that between us, but this time, I think he really went away from me, after everything that has happened between us. I think it needs to be done this way anyway, to made a distance between each other and such, yet, my feelings are torn apart. I knew his mistakes are too severe to be forgiven just like that, yet, he has given me too many things and shaped me so hard as a person, it felt so wrong for him to left me the way he did right now.(From my point of view,) I believe that I need a proper apology from him, after everything that he has done to me, yet, he hasn’t really apologized to me, up until now. 

Two people who had contributed much in my life have drifted away from me, and I feel lost.

They were the people who literally shaped me. One is a dearest, closest friend of mine, and the other one is a long-time on-off flame of mine. Respectively, they have accompanied, molded, shaped, and made me who I am today. Yet, both of them drifted away from me.

Two people, who I’ve been granted as two of the most important and have a big role and place in my life, have drifted away from me.

Two people whom I used to think and regard as the people who were dearest to me, have drifted away,

and I’m starting to accept that.

The two people, who meant the world to me, have gone,

and this is my first step, to letting them go from my world.

because in the end, I need to save myself,

because in the end, I need to be there for myself,

because in the end, I need to look after myself,

because after all that I’ve been through, I need to love myself, and shake hands to everyone who went to my heart and go back went away from me again, a warm thank you, and keep walking.

because in the end, I’ve always been the one who’s always been there for myself,

and I need no longer holding on to people who left me, 

and cherish and be there for those whose always been there for me;

my family, 

the ones who are with me, either since the beginning or new faces

and most importantly;