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Today wasn't as good as yesterday. I had some sort of panic attack due to some work issues.
Honestly, I still don't know the answers, and the responses I need for all the questions in my head.
Thanks, tumblr. While writing this, I just realized that I had a lot of posts that I wrote when I was feeling shitty before. The bad stuff I experienced. During the time I was writing those posts, the negativity felt endless.
As I'm writing this now, I realize that these are all part of a greater scheme of things. This too shall pass.
All of us is having a hard time. No one wanted to be part of this depressing, anxiety-inducing year. So if anyone suddenly tells you they no longer want to work because of this and that, please don’t be the asshole who replies “at least you have a job” and make it sound like as if the other person has no right to feel sad or tired, etc. Always try to be kind and understanding, please.
Also, if you’ve ever felt like you wanna quit your job, THAT’S OKAY. Feeling like quitting doesn’t always equate to actually quitting. And if you’ve decided to quit, that’s also okay!
Whenever I feel like quitting, I always re-evaluate my situation. I always try to think of the people, and/or things that makes my everyday life bearable. I always come back to my core. Then I assess the impact of me quitting my job to my core. Will I feel bad if I won’t be able to do the only thing I’m good at? or Will I feel worse if I can’t provide to my family? or buy my favorite games?
At this very difficult time, please always come back to your core. Always try to remember the things that makes your everyday life bearable, the things that MAKE YOUR LIFE FEEL OKAY. May it be your family, your art, your games or your friends. There’s no wrong answer.
TL;DR: Don’t shame those who have a job right now whenever they’re feeling sick and tired of their work!!!!
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Learn Thyself: What activities set your soul on fire?
This is a lot harder than I thought. This prompt made me re-think my interests. I started out thinking of a lot of things but I asked my self, am I really passionate about it? Or do I just find it fun?
I feel like I still need a lot of time to re-think this.
Anyway, I just included the things I find fun.
Coding
My job in general. To some extent, even with all that has happened, and all that is happening, I still love my job, and I’m still very passionate about it. Fixing critical bugs that requires thinking of the structure, existing logic and possible impact of any changes in any part of the code still lights my spirits up. Designing new structures, and translating client requirements to a design with its logic hypes me up too.
Talking and Discussing Stuff
I like interacting with people A LOT. I’m more comfortable expressing myself orally than in writing. Words come to me easier when talking than when writing. Discussing stuff with people also helps me learn more about them and the topic they’re discussing (ofc!).
When I say talking, it doesn’t mean I don’t let others talk. I don’t cut people off when they’re talking and I listen actively. It’s just that sometimes, I really talk a lot because the idea keeps on going on in my head.
I’d like to believe I would make a good VJ, or a Ted Talk speaker.
Playing Games
My current fav is Paladins! Gaming is fun for me, with or without party. But being in a party really has its own benefits. It’s nice to have people to discuss the game with while in-game. I’ve also recently started streaming on Twitch!
Looking up and doing Tech stuff
Searching for the best laptop models, phone units, etc. I like looking up gadgets and comparing them with one another. I also like reading random tech articles. I like thinking of site Ideas. I think about how I should design my tumblr page frequently. But I could never come up with a decision so I just stick with the existing one. Let me know if you need opinions on your next gadget purchase and I’d gladly do the research for you! ;)
Lastly —
This may be different from the prompt but I’ll put this out here anyway.
I want to be more passionate with my creativity.
I want to be able to create more. Words, Videos, Photos, Random mark on the internet, anything just to make my creative juices flowing!
I never would’ve imagined that I would turn into the person that I am exactly right now. I never would’ve thought I could ever do this much.
It’s been four years since I started working and only now was I able to see how relevant my salary is to me. I used to just spend my money based on my impulsive wants and “needs”.
Instead of travelling outside and learning about different places, I got this time to learn more about myself and my family.
And while I’m thankful for everything I’ve learned during this tough time, I still feel shit about everything pandemic-related. It has a huge domino effect on everyone and I’d always wonder how long we’ll all last.
This pandemic is testing all of us—our morals, our priorities, our core. Always revisit your core and be reminded of it no matter the challenge.
It’s been so long since I’ve written and I want to break out of this mode.
It’s really hard to look for the motivation to write, and even to just look for my creative juices at all. I’ve been looking up prompts online just so I could make my creative juices flow. In this series, I will write using prompts related to my self. The prompts may be questions, sentences, or even just words I see online. Writings may even be raw, unedited versions of what I will write on my notebook as I want to see how my brain really thinks with the prompts given.
I hope this journey helps me to get out of this creative block and to learn more about myself too.
During this time when most of us are trapped at home, with nothing else eating up our time, we turn to our phones and computers to save ourselves.
The internet is both an escape, and a trap.
The more time we spend online, the more data it could get from us. A simple site visit of our favorite shopping site could easily be a way for them to get all sorts of information from us: the device we’re using, our internet provider, our location. Some might think it’s harmless. I would like to disagree.
This is not to say that having information on our trusted sites can’t be useful - they are! in so many ways. And it will get more and more functional and helpful as we give them more data.
That is - if they’re a safe in the first place.
Just recently, Zoom, a video conferencing application had a data breach and more than 500,000 account information has been sold or given away for free. And a lot of people have been using Zoom since the quarantine started mostly to make their Work From Home setup work!
Aside from this, a lot of other Data breaches have been happening since then, and only a few seems to care.
If you’re one of those people, please make sure to keep your online data safe. Here are some of the actions you may take to keep your data secure.
Enable two-factor authentication if possible.
More and more websites are now using two-factor authentication to make sure it’s really you who’s logging in. Let’s utilize this option as much as we can.
Don’t use the same passwords everywhere.
I know, it’s really hard to remember passwords. But if your personal data is stored on a certain site, then remembering that password is a small price to pay.
Use a password that has one of each: small and capital letters, numbers, symbols. If possible, use random characters instead of trying to spell out words using symbols/letters.
Don’t use passwords that can easily be identified.
This is a no-brainer. Don’t use any of your or your relatives’ name, birthday, location, school, etc. Again, as much as possible, use random characters.
Change your passwords often and make sure you don’t use any old passwords.
Make sure the sites you visit starts with https://. You can also see a lock/secured icon on Chrome browser.
Although having secure connection may prevent those breaches, it is still a layer of security online.
Aside from following these, you can also check if any of your email or passwords have been leaked by a data breach by using these websites:
Have I been Pwned (HIBP) - you can search for your email address or password and it will display information on what, when and where your data has been collected.
pwdquery - you can see here which passwords have been leaked alongside the email that you’ll search for. Don’t worry, they don’t display the entire password!
Regardless of whether or not your email or password showed up as safe from these websites, it is still advisable to do the necessary steps for your accounts to be more secured. ♡ ❀
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I was very, very workaholic during my first few years at work.
A Mass Comm graduate taking a leap of faith on trying out her childhood dream job - I was unstoppable.
I always arrived at work feeling determined, always ready to learn new things about this stuff I just started digging into. My job was everything for me. It came to the point where I no longer have any communication with my friends. I missed a lot of social and family gatherings, birthdays, parties. I was so focused on work that I always gave it my 200% - no matter the damage.
Until it took a toll.
Sleepless nights, unhealthy diet due to a lot of reasons - I was deteriorating everyday.
February 2018
A simple hospital visit supposedly for a urinalysis made me stay there for days. The results slapped me back to reality.
I was a bird who just learned how to fly so I kept on challenging myself - I kept going higher. But that time, it was like I was put into place by a rock that fell on me. I was reminded of my place.
It took an entire day for a final decision on whether or not I would need operation. I was so exhausted going from one department to another just to finish the laboratories.
I didn’t need operation. Thank goodness.
I stayed in the hospital for three days, just three days. The entire time, I was thinking about how I took my daily life for granted. I kept on remembering what the doctors said about the stress. And realized that, yes, I was really stressed from it all.
After a week of rest at my dad’s place, I got lucky to have been invited to go out of town with my aunt and cousins. We had a staycation at Baler where I reflected some more.
I savored every minute of that 2-week rest. I realized that we are all just robots at work: clock in, time out, If you’re no longer effective then you’re out.
From there on, I kept on trying (and failing) to achieve the right life-work balance.
With all the attempts that I did for it, I think that taking these phrases to the heart is the most effective way for me.
There’s more to life than work.
If you treat work as you should, you can give time to other meaningful things in your life.
Let’s treat it as it is - a source of income.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t do our best. We still should! We take pride in it. But don’t let yourself equate your professional growth to your personal growth.
professional growth != self growth
Both could co-exist. Just remember which is more important to you and your life in general.
Not having a province to go home to every summer made me very fascinated about other provinces. I’ve always wanted to go and visit other provinces in the Philippines especially those in Visayas because they have their own language/dialect.
This year I got to visit 2 provinces (Aklan and Iloilo) in a week-long trip. This has been planned months before and I was really REALLY excited!!!!! I just felt like it’s gonna be a hell of an experience and IT HELLA WAS.
I got to attend two main events of the Ati-atihan festival: Higantes and the Ati-atihan parade.
According to the locals, ati-atihan started from the atis or the aetas who used to settle in their islands. This explains the black face makeup of the participants and even the Sto. Niño’s. Some of the audience also have their face painted black. It is the same as the Dinagyang and Sinulog Festivals of their neighboring provinces, Iloilo and Cebu - all of which are to honor Sto. Niño.
The first event I attended was the Higantes. It’s a parade of giant figures that represents each participating town. This year’s theme is “Ati in Flowers, Fruits and Foliage”.
We arrived around 2 or 3 in the afternoon at the place where the higantes will pass through. There were tons of people who are really excited to watch the parade. It was a great local experience for me.
You can really feel the the spirit of Ati-Atihan in the people around, whether they were participating or cheering. Everyone was very supportive of their own higante. According to my friends, people drinking while walking/dancing is a very common sight during the festival. It’s the people’s way of celebrating and having fun.
The second event I attended is another highlight of the festival: the Ati-atihan parade. It poured a lot when we got there but they say that we should be thankful since the rain represents blessings.
This is the part of the event we normally see on advertisements promoting Aklan Province. People dress up and perform as tribes with their own themes. Some participated as a group, while some as individuals.
A lot of the participants hold their own image of the Sto. Niño, making it dance along with their groups. “Viva Señor Sto. Niño!”, “Viva!”. The loud cheer of everyone made me more energetic throughout! Every tribe chants this during their presentation and everyone around chants and hypes up even more.
Everyone, regardless of gender and age, could participate. And I just loved seeing those little children participating with their young age. I could also see from the eyes of the older participants how devoted they are to the Señor.
The judges walk around and check the entire tribe from the front liners who hold their badge, the main dancers, and to their Drum & Lyre groups.
The last event I got to attend was the mass and parade of Niños which is clearly the highlight for me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to take a lot of pictures because it was raining almost the entire time.
During the morning (Jan 19), we attended a mass and participated in a quick parade by walking. I wasn’t ready for that quick parade so my legs hurt a lot after. I already wanted to quit the actual parade which will take hours more than the quick version. But my friends encouraged me and told me that walking that much is worth it and that it will make my Ati-atihan experience complete.
True enough, I got to survive the event that I didn’t imagine would turn out that way. There were drinks offered while walking and it was pouring so I enjoyed drinking those hard drinks being passed within our group. Minutes later, I was already dancing to the beat of the drum & lyre and was really enjoying that moment with my friends and their fam. Although we weren’t able to finish the entire parade, it really made my ati-atihan experience complete. The dancing and the “viva!” chant really boosted my energy that I didn’t even feel any soreness while walking all through out.
My first ati-atihan experience is a really great one and 100/10 would definitely come back! (and next time I’ll bring my own Sto. Niño image with me)
It's the end of the century! And I was really hoping to try and write a decade-ender piece. But scrap that, what do I know back at the start of this century I didn't know I entered.
Before I begin writing my yearly wrap, I always try to look at the notes I left for the previous year's wrap. And honestly, I still haven't been able to check all of those boxes of 2019 expectations.
I wasn't better at handling my emotions. I still freaked out a lot of times, still burst into tears, or in anger or in laughter.
I still think a lot about what other people think of me. I still stop myself to do things just because I am afraid of what people thinks of me.
I still am not as healthy as I want myself to be.
But hey! I was able to go to new beaches, got time to learn watercolor. And even though I kept on thinking about what other people think, I still was able to go out of my comfort zone and do the masscomm stuff I've always wanted to do at work!!! I also got to try doing casual low-carb diet. And I failed several times, but I'm so eager to get up and try again next year.
I am thankful for this year. I don't have a hard life lesson this year, but I took a lot of steps to self-love. Once I turned 23, a lot changed. I started caring more about myself, my home, and my future. These are big steps for such a small flag in me. I am so glad I took those steps, and I sure hope they'd set my future to be a bit more bearable. My everyday will always be an adventure that will shape me to be a better version of myself.
Here are some of the most memorable moments of my 2019:
Got myself an insurance and my parents their own health cards! It's like a big step to adulthood for me.
Got to visit the following places:
Cagbalete, Quezon - The sand Bar was hella great!
La Union - So sad I didn't get to enjoy the falls but it was still a great place to spend the weekend in.
-Pangasinan - Got to pray at Our Lady of Manaoag Church and eat their puto calasiao!!!
Las Casas Filipinas de Acuzar - damn hella nice looking houses. Kinda want to get married here.
My brother got married and my first nephew was born!!! I love those three to bits.
I moved out of my place for a while and lived with my dad. It was weird for me at first, since I lived alone for 2 years. But I got used to it and I learned some life skills at their place.
Got transferred to a new team again (with a boss I'm thankful for) also learned a lot of new work things.
Got the opportunity to work from home. Also got myself a better desk and chair so I could feel more comfortable when working from home.
Learned two new things:
cook Adobo (and other simple dishes)
WaterColor
Dyed my hair red again! and redder than ever. Also cut my hair short. Again! and my fringe.
Bought mi 9t pro and hell, it's another bang for the buck! Also got to upgrade my laptop to an SSD!
So much happened this 2019 that a single post is honestly not enough for me to ponder on it. This year I got my mind to center on myself even for just a bit. I finally tried learning about myself. I had a lot of date sessions with myself and learned that it's totally fine to be with just me.I finally let go of my previous versions of myself and accepted that they may be gone for good because this is me now. I've always been so hung-up on my old self, always trying to have them back and show them. The events of this year drilled into me (hard) that they may be a lot of versions of myself floating around, that different people may know different versions of me, that there's a lot of 'me' in a single timeline and that's fine.
In 2020, I still plan on learning more about myself, exploring the world with just me.
Also:
I would want my POV towards work to be better - clearer. I hope to learn more about knowing my boundaries at work because honestly, more than anything else, this is where my boundaries are most blurry.
My interests in my own health may decline for a day, but I will always try my hardest to get back up on my feet.
I will also try my best to be better at handling my home. To be more masinop. To learn when to keep and let go things.
And lastly, people.
I hope you all had a good year and may the next year be fruitful for all of us still!
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I am finally back in my color and I love it. 💖 The last time I dyed my hair was December 2018, and that was a lot more darker than this color so I’m really enjoying the state my hair is in right now.
quick notes on my hair color trip:
I used bremod hair color in red. It was cheap but has great color and it did not sting on my scalp (tho it was a bit itchy at first). I left it on my hair for around 1 ½ hours to achieve this color. The application was easy and it took two bottles of hair color (aside from the oxidizer) for my hair because I have thick hair.
For it to look less brighter, I plan on shampooing (which is def not the thing to do if you’re trying to maintain the color) it for 3 days. I’m on my second day now. Based on my experience, dying your hair without bleach will cause the color to be a bit darker (if you have dark hair) than intended so I always get 2 or 3 shades brighter than my intended color and just wait for it to naturally fade. I normally dye my hair on Saturday morning so on Monday, it will have faded a bit already. This time I dyed it while I was working from home and totally forgot I have to go to the office the next day; I was so scared! Thankfully I didn’t get reprimanded.
Also, while I’m at it, I recommend you guys to try Cream Silk Hydra! That conditioner is so light on my hair although it might cost a lot more because its texture is really water-y, you’ll empty the bottle quickly.
I’ve always been so fascinated by those watercolor artworks I see and have always been wanting to learn how to do this so I could add it in my journal.
There have been changes on my work and shift recently so I’m finally having enough time for myself and for the things I’ve wanted to do. I was able to re-organize (or organize because it was never organized in the first place) my place, and do a lot of other things that requires a lot of time.
Things are good right now and honestly, I just really hope it stays like this. I know it won’t always be, but for the dark days, I’ll have this blog post to look back to. This will remind me that all will be alright in time. (insert SFX: Leaves by Ben&Ben)
Please suggest me some good watercolor tutorials and samples/activities that I could try if you know some!
I just found a very nice youtube channel for beginners in watercolor!
Watercolor by Shibasaki on Youtube
I recently learned about him through a blogpost that asks people to support him. He posted a video 3 days ago expressing that he’s wondering if he should continue because he feels like he’s not being able to help enough people. I haven’t sat down and try watercolor while watching him YET but I watched some of his beginner videos and the way he explains and teaches are very beginner-friendly! He also has a very calm and peaceful tone and voice, and when I watch him I really feel like he’s so hands-on on what he’s teaching me.
For anyone out there who’s also looking for watercolor tutorials (even non-beginners), please check out his channel!
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