100 Kinds of Living

I'm convinced that I have social anxiety. I know people say that you shouldn't self-diagnose, but it's honestly how I feel. Transferring into an entirely new university last year certainly didn't help either. In fact, I'm sure it has made my anxiety worse. But to be fair, I've always been a shy person. I'm not usually one to start conversations or ask people to hang out. That being said, these last couple of years have spiraled out of control. I don't know why I'm like this but I find myself skipping classes a lot, especially if I know that class is going to make me interact with other students about the lecture material. I tried to talk myself into joining some clubs and being more proactive but I always talk myself out of it with some excuse (or rather, many excuses). I don't know what to do. I have one more semester before I graduate. I want to make new friends and step out of my comfort zone, but even thinking about doing any of that creates anxiety.

Sometimes. It's a lot. And it feels like it just keeps piling on. And you ask, "when will it ever stop?" And I wish I had the answer to that, but I don't. I wish I could give you a time frame in which these feelings you're feeling will go away, but I don't. It's a lot. But one day, you'll look back and you'll realize how far you've come. How much you've grown and changed. One day you'll look back and understand that you had to go through all of the shitty times to get to where you are. And most importantly, above all else, you'll come to love yourself. Without judgement. Without doubt. Just pure personal understanding and appreciation for who you are, flaws and all.

It' odd. I see you everywhere. We're always walking on the same routes. I'm hoping that one day we'll be walking the same in the same direction as well.

I dream of angels, but I live with demons.

He said, "It's like it almost has to be him." I guess I never thought about it like that. But maybe it does. Doesn't it?

I have a tendency to do things that i regret almost immediately.

I hate that I’m so non-confrontational. It really fucking sucks because I always feel like I’m doing something wrong, but in actuality, i’m letting people step all over me. What’s worse is that I’m aware that this is happening, but I still let it continue. I guess I just don’t want to make anybody feel uncomfortable. But why should I be the only one feeling uncomfortable? I hate it. I hate that I’m this way. I really need to grow a backbone.