Pairing: Aro! Jecki Lon x Fem! Reader
Word Count: 746 Words, 4020 Characters
There was no feeling quite as cruel as not loving back someone you know would love you ardently, cherish you whole-heartedly, and treat you just right. But you just…can’t love them back.
(A/N): This has not been proofread.
We’d had this conversation before. Fifteen-year-old younglings, inseparable, sneaking out simply to sit and chat under the stars, and it seemed like the peak of rebellion at the moment.
Earlier in that day, a young man who went by the name of Ror had asked Jecki if she’d like to start seeing each other. Ror was a nice boy. He was excellent at his studies of the Jedi Arts, he was polite, he was respectful, and he looked quite decent. Jecki had said no.
There was no feeling quite as cruel as not loving back someone you know would love you ardently, cherish you whole-heartedly, and treat you just right. But you just…can’t love them back.
I had been foolish enough to interpret what Jecki had said that night in the way that I did.
Wouldn’t it be crueler to pretend to feel something for them? Wouldn’t it be crueler to pretend that you could try to love them? That love was something that could simply be commanded?
Jecki had nodded along to those words as I said them.
“Hmm.” She’d shrugged. “Perhaps you’re right.”
Was I? Had I been right? Three years later, and I asked myself. If you loved someone so ardently, if you thought of them at every waking hour and dreamt of them while sleep had a hold of you, would a false promise come as a sort of salvation? Would you rather want to hear a false ‘I can try to love you’ than a truthful ‘I cannot love you?’
“No-” she cut me off. “Please, Y/N. Don’t…Don’t make this awkward. It doesn’t have to be.”
I took a long breath. A gulp to swallow the emotions rising to my throat. I blinked. My vision blurred further when I blinked. Had I been crying? I didn’t realise when I’d started crying.
“But you…all those years back. When Ror asked you. You said you could never love him.” I looked back up and straight into her eyes now. “So you can’t love men, yes? You love women. It’s me that’s the problem.”
Jecki heaved an exasperated sigh.
“I never said that, did I? I just…I can’t love men…or women. Just anyone. I don’t love like that-” She sighed again. Her fists clenched and unclenched. She opened her mouth to say something and then shut it, as if thinking better of it, then opened it again, and shut it again. She was trying to find the words to explain herself. “I mean, I-I do love you. I do love people. Just…not the way you want me to. I love you as a friend, I love you as a sister, not…whatever it is that you want of me. That’s just not how I’m wired.”
I absorbed her words, taking a minute to process.
“Oh,” is what I finally said.
“Yeah.” She looked at me with her lips in a tight line. Her arms were crossed across her chest.
There is no feeling quite as cruel as not being loved back by someone who knows you would love them ardently, cherish them whole-heartedly, and treat them just right. But they just can’t love you back.
It would be less cruel to pretend to feel something, perhaps. It would be less cruel for them to try to pretend that they could love you. What if love is something that can simply be commanded?
“Well…” I didn’t know quite how to approach the conversation in a manner that could help me salvage the friendship. Was my friendship with Jecki even salvageable now? “You don’t have to feel guilty about it.”
“I know I don’t,” she replied, almost immediately.
We settled into awkward silence, once again.
“We can still be friends, right?” I tried again. “I hope this doesn’t change anything between us.”
She offered me a tight lipped smile.
“Of course.” Never before had I heard something sound quite so unbelievable from her lips.
“Are you coming for dinner?” I asked. Anything to diffuse the tension.
“No, I…um-not feeling very great. I’ll just go rest.” She gave me another smile as she stood up.
“Right. Of course,” I mumbled. “Of course.”
Love wasn’t something that could simply be commanded into existence, I concluded. Because if it could be commanded into existence, it could be commanded out of it. And if it could be commanded out of it, we wouldn’t be at the crossroads we currently sit at.
︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶︶⊹︶︶୨୧︶︶⊹︶
Lemme know what you think of this fic. I'm always open to constructive criticism. I'd really appreciate any feedback, and I wanna hear what y'all thought of it.
