booba yumyum

I can't speak for everyone but my personal experience has been that feeling of persistent dread or worthlessness are a symptom of unfulfilled needs, and finding an addressing those are more efficient than trying to buck up your self-image itself. It's like how when you fuck up your foot and your back and shoulders hurt because you're not walking correctly; focusing on the back and shoulders isn't a solution, though it might temporarily relieve symptoms. If you feel like you need to convince people, including yourself, that you matter, then a) you don't, and b) you can't, and c) that desire is indicative of a problem somewhere else, which is a more constructive focus for your attention.

– ◡ ◡ / – ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – hope is a / weapon / hope is a / skill – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – hope is a / plant you can / care for or / kill – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – hope is a / discipline / something you / choose – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – hard to stop / looking for / easy to / lose – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – hope isn’t / something to / have or to / take – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – if you can’t / find it it’s / something you / make – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – make it from / willpower / make it from / spite – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – learn how to / weaponize / love in a / fight – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – hope is a / shield and a / thing to de/fend – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – ◡ ◡ / – end in it/self and a / means to an / end

but her rage is not pointed at the world, it’s pointed at you because you’re 14 and not used to the harshness of it yet but she will make sure you get there and you don’t know what to do but cry and she hates seeing your tears because they make her nauseous

growing up with an angry mother feels like being ripped apart because you know she loves you, she’s your worst enemy, she makes you feel safe, she terrifies you, she’s your best friend, she’s the reason you can’t let people get close, you love her, you never cried over a boy or a girl as much as you cried over her words, she made you, you’re her puppet, you’re desperate to leave, you’ll never escape her blood or her judging gaze and even when you leave you can hear her voice in your head and it will haunt you until you’re dead

and still, nothing is not shameful. it is not immoral to struggle with self care. and it is also not pointless to keep trying. anything you can do, even if its wiping plaque off with a towel, is enough. it is good to take care of yourself however you can, even if it's just trying to muster the will to. reading this post is good, too.

bombo.love

if you think you’re not allowed to eat this or that food, you’re going to binge 

if you think your “good” diet/lifestyle/behavior will start tomorrow, you’re going to binge (aka last supper eating)

if you have a history of food insecurity, you’re going to binge when food is available

if you have a history of dieting or being put on diets, you’re going to binge to be sure your net energy needs are met 

if you have an eating disorder, you’re going to binge… and if you don’t, you’re more likely to die of the illness