Gender & Feminism

It’s really sad bc women especially are raised and positioned in society to learn how to care for *literally* everybody BUT themselves — girls are taught to physically and emotionally care for family, friends, superiors and even strangers before themselves. Wanting to put themselves first & asking for help is even taught to be a “selfish” thing for women to do lol — and self-care was literally revolutionary in encouraging women to care for themselves in a way that could prevent long-term physical and emotional damage.

Charlotte Brontë eschewed marriage longer than most (writing to Ellen Nussey that she wished they could just set up a little cottage and live together) but she finally married at 38, became pregnant, and died before her 39th birthday. If she had married younger would Jane Eyre exist? I was reading that biography of Charity & Sylvia last month and comparing their life together in their little cottage to the life of their married female relatives, which was honestly hell on earth. One of Charity’s sisters had 18 children. Charity’s mother had 10 living ones, and probably some additional stillbirths. She gave birth to her first child age 19, in 1758, then to a pair of twins in 1760, then another child in 1761, another in 1763, another in 1765, another in 1767, another in 1769, another in 1771, another in 1774, another in 1777. Charity was the last child and her mother had been sick with tuberculosis for months when she became pregnant with her, and she died soon after giving birth.

I wish people would call this murder—this woman was murdered by her husband, like countless other women who do not ‘count’ as victims of male violence because straight sex is natural, pregnancy is natural, childbirth is natural. But when after 20 years of nonstop pregnancies this woman had tuberculosis and suffered from severe respiratory distress, severe weight loss, fever and exhaustion, and her husband impregnated her again, her death was expected. He must have known; he just didn’t care. This woman’s sister—Charity’s aunt—remained a spinster and outlived all of her married sisters by several decades, living well into her eighties. (Ironically, male doctors in her century asserted that sex with men was necessary for women’s health. The biographer quoted from a popular home health guide which said that old maids incurred grievous physical harm from a lack of sex with men.) And this aunt had the time and liberty to develop her skill for embroidery to such an extent that two museums still preserve her embroidered bed drapes. She accomplished something, she nurtured her talent and self. Her name was also Charity, and I find it interesting that Charity’s mother named her last daughter, whose pregnancy & birth killed her, after her childless, unmarried sister.

white women aren’t harmed and often arent even aware of how women of colour internalise eurocentric ideas and changing them selves out of self hate but some of these women might become mothers of mixed kids and then what do those kids do that their mum thinks of them in terms of a racialised ideas of sexual appeal? what might happen if Black and mixed women come in contact with them and these women are in positions of power?

They will grow up and wash the fake tan off and ’ return’ to white society and giggle about their silly Black phase and wanting to look like “ that” while the ideas about Black womens looks and bodies remain. Woc that recover from changing them selves to fit eurocentric will still live in a society that tells them to change and will often have years of work ahead and perhaps these white women might still have to deal with whatever body issues they have but there is no pressure to be Black

None of them need to do this to survive they way woc may need to

Men are perfectly fucking aware that there are situations in which women don’t feel comfortable saying no, and they go to lengths to put women in those situations *specifically* so that they can get sex if she doesn’t want to. Men have mental fucking blueprints of where that gray area starts and ends. They know what they can get away with and are constantly testing boundaries to see how far they can push.

“Male incompetence is tolerated far more than female ineptitude.

It boils down to a few things I’ve observed in the community and culture (as opposed to the religion):

The Muslim ummah praises the image of a pious Muslim woman, but when a pious woman doesn’t externally embody that image (aka non hijabi women), she’s met with scorn. That scorn is exacerbated even more when a woman removes her hijab.

I used to be one of these people. I regret it. And it’s true that when you publicly denounce another for their personal struggle (esp behind their back), God plagues you with the same struggle sooner or later. I’m so sorry, because I realize how hard it must have been for you to walk around in a garment and not feel like yourself.

That’s the thing about hijab—on one end you feel close to God. You feel reassured knowing that you’re following his command. And on another end you feel like you’re deceiving yourself when you can’t represent your faith well. And I know that line of thinking is the devil’s whispering. It’s Ramadan. Why do I still feel like this?

But then there’s the sexualization and fetishizing of hijab, by non Muslim and Muslim men alike. Non-Muslims find it enticing—they see it as alluring, mysterious, an act of purity where women are exclusively saving themselves for one man. Therefore, they feel like they can dominate her, taken ownership of her body. By the same token, some Muslim men have interpreted hijab as a way to preserve a woman’s piety exclusively for him—he wants to take ownership of her sexuality. He’s awkward around Muslim women because of this sexualization—that somehow, she’s covering to save herself and that any average interaction can be deemed as an invitation to the man to propose to her. She’s not seen as a person in a professional setting, or even a friend in a group of people—she’s an eligible bachelorette so woahhh be cautious. You can’t have a normal conversation with her because you keep sexualizing her—viewing her as a woman wearing a hijab rather than just a woman. And that identifier makes some men so awkward when having a normal conversation with a hijabi woman (but not so with non hijabi women?? Ok??)

Hijab was never for men. It never will be. But when it’s interpreted and treated as such, Can you blame women for wanting to take it off? People advise you not to care what people think, to continue wearing it for God, but how long will you have to tell Muslim women this until you realize that Muslim men need to hear it too? They need to hear about the respect that women are afforded in Islam rather than “you can finally have sex with your wife when you’re married. We’ll find you someone and it won’t be so hard to abstain.” When some Muslim men stop objectifying Muslim women as pious asexual beings, maybe—just MAYBE—we might be able to break the cycle.

you know and like them

You know what’s really important to the other person, their hopes and goals and pet peeves and preferences and fears, and you consciously integrate this knowledge into how you interact with them.

You’re curious about their thoughts and opinions. You’re aware they have a rich inner life and you get excited to find out what they think and how they feel about things, even things that have nothing to do with you. You ask questions and you truly listen to and try to understand the answers.

You seek out opportunities to share experiences with them. You want to be around them and you want to understand why they love the things they love. You want to welcome them into enjoying new things you think they’d like based on your knowledge of them and their preferences.

When they don’t like something you like and vice versa, it isn’t threatening, because you both respect each other and there are other things you can do together. 

you are emotionally available

You pay attention to the kindnesses they show you, and you show appreciation when they listen to you vent or are patient with your foibles or remember your favourite things or make your life brighter in any way.

You make an effort to show these same little kindnesses to them. You often ask about and try to keep track of what they like. You make tiny gestures all the time just to make them happy, and you don’t keep score of them in hopes of getting something you want.

You are honest and considerate with them. When you’re upset about something else you don’t blame it on them or start a fight just to fight. When you need to bring a problem to their attention you do it in a loving way. You don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep and you don’t pretend you feel anything you don’t feel.

You work hard to understand yourself and what’s important to you, what you want and what you feel and why you feel the way you do. Even if you aren’t totally sure what you’re really feeling yet, you try to share yourself with the other person. You’re willing to be vulnerable and let them see your fears and your flaws and your complicated feelings about things.

you actively respect them as your equal

You respect them as a person. There are things you admire about them and you find some of their ‘flaws’ endearing and it’s okay that there are things about them you don’t like because they’re a whole complicated person and you appreciate them for the whole package of who they are. You don’t secretly think you’re better than them. You don’t see them as disposible or fungible or a means to an end.

You respect them as the authority on their life/experiences and acknowledge that however well you know them, there are complexities to them you’ll never fully grasp. You never assume that you’re done getting to know them or that you could make their choices better.

You believe them when they tell you how they feel. You don’t ever try to convince them their feelings are wrong even if those real feelings are in response to a misunderstanding or have a context you don’t fully understand.

You’re comfortable letting them take the lead as often as you do, and you’re willing to compromise on things that affect both of you because their opinions are just as important and well-reasoned as your own. You acknowledge their capacity to know things you don’t or have good ideas you didn’t think of.

you do relational work

You talk to each other when either of you feels relationship problems arising, even if you don’t fully understand them yet, and you work together as a team to keep each other feeling safe and respected and listened to. You work to be patient and supportive and to not take it personally when other things are bothering them.

You apologize, freely and without expecting them to force themselves to heal faster to make you feel better. Your apologies are about letting them know you understand and respect and care about their hurt and that you are choosing not to hurt them in that way again. You don’t have hidden agendas.

When there are choices to be made that affect both of you, you talk them through together and decide together. You don’t expect them to do all the planning work, and you don’t make choices that affect them without their input.

you respect their time and effort and don’t act entitled

You understand you aren’t the only thing they have going on. You give them space to have other interests and friends and you appreciate your time together without making them feel obligated to pay attention to you 24/7. You also make time for them while maintaining your own interests and other relationships.

You make an effort to seek out and cultivate other sources of emotional support and connection so that you are not relying on this person to meet all your emotional needs.

You don’t expect them to do personal work for you that you’re capable of doing, and if they do such work, you intentionally do similar work for them, work that needs to be done just as often and requires just as much time/effort, because you care about them and don’t want to burden them with extra work.

If they wash the dishes you use, you prepare their meals. If they do the grocery shopping, you do the laundry. You don’t ever take it for granted that it’s their job to do personal maintenance work (chores, home care, body care, appointment planning, kinship work) for you without reciprocation. If you are capable of meeting your own basic needs but haven’t bothered to learn to do that work or why it’s important, you seek out resources on your own to learn.

If you genuinely are not capable of doing your own basic self/home maintenance due to disability etc., you don’t assume they will automatically take over that work. You have frank and honest discussions about your needs and their interest/limitations/capabilities wrt helping out, and you seek out and cultivate other sources of support where possible/necessary.

you actively prioritize their happiness

You make sure they know you appreciate their nos. Every no reassures you that their yeses really mean yes, and you check in all the time to find out what they want and don’t want, because it’s so important to you that they don’t just grin and bear it. You actively encourage them to tell you about their boundaries and you make a deliberate effort not to pressure them.

You want them to be happy. You are willing to be deeply inconvenienced without them knowing about it if it will make them happier. You develop a habit of thinking about their feelings and how your words and actions will impact them. If you think they’re unhappy because of you, you want to know why because you are genuinely willing to put hard work into making them happy.

If they’re unhappy because you’re incompatible in a fundamental way, you’d rather give up your relationship with them than let them stay miserable because of it.