When words are all you have

So. Here’s how it is.

If I can physically show you my heart right now I could only show you a corner of it. The corner where it’s best shining red with the brightest of lights. The corner that drums the baseline of the whole soul. This is the corner. The corner with only one side but you’ll have the best side with the formal apology that has been written over and over again even when you’ve heard it.

This is the corner I will light up in continuous with the match stick that you hold.

It’s been a few months since I have heard from you.

And I often wondered what it’d be like. When you finally realise your whole worth and that love doesn’t stop with just me.

It looks like you’re fine.

Like you finally had that moment where you look up the sky and thank the Lord for allowing your heart to break - because you see it now don’t you?

You see all those things that I triggered warn you about myself. That I cried and pushed you away like a rubber band constantly being pulled against my skin.

I warned you didn’t I ?

About the cuts and roots of my insecurities you saw them all.

Yet I admit I was counting down the days when you would take your responsibility off them.

You only got a corner.

And I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I tried my best to love you

But it was too hard

So you see it now don’t you.

Why me and you would never no matter how much we were alike

You were hip hop always rhyming onto the beat of a line and I was the out of control poetry that always had to uncover her own lines

I know

I have no right.

But you only had a corner

And I am sorry for all the nights I kept you awake in your heart wondering if you would ever heal from the pain that i sketched on you.

You only had a corner and I had took yours

So.

Why am I still here.

When I’ve prepared for this day to come for a long time.

I am still here

Writing your millionth words of poems secretly screaming in my mind in hope that somehow it will travel through the mist of this wind

Blowing softly in the gaps of your windowsill spread across your curtain into your air

I hope it lands in your dreams tonight.

I wish I was honest enough to tell you

That my heart broke too.

That you hurt too.

That many nights I will go on to make a specific mould on my bed where I sat searching my windowsill in hopes to finding your whispers.

The constant green light that will show up at the top of my messenger and waiting for a message to pop up into my mailbox

Trying to salvage this piece of corner that has been missing ever since you chose to walk away

I gave you only a corner

But I was never able to fully get it back again

I wish I was honest enough to tell you that since then I have been trying to gift wrap and cover wrap this piece of heart with fake $2 diamonds and ribbons in hoping the next person doesn’t see anything was missing

Since then I have been trying to cultivate an artificial replacement so the gift of loving can feel close to its replica that was you

Since then I have failed.

I gave you a corner

And I hope in secret that that corner is treasured safely in your soul. That is kept only for those secret nights that you sit up wondering why your window curtains moved a bit more than usual.

But if for some strange reason that corner is re wrapped and covered with fake diamonds to present itself to the person who is willing to take it from you

Know this

She will never feel the edges and spaces nor fill it . that corner was designed specifically for you so she cannot be a prototype or answer to your expectations of loving her back specifically to that corner because that corner is mine.

Do not mistake her to love you like I did.

Do not force her to love you like I did.

She is prob trying hard to.

You can not reproduce corners, nor replicate, nor mould. She is prob gifting you with her whole.

And when you finally decide to let go of what is mine.

I will be happy for you.

But know this.

If there was one last thing I could say to you no matter if it would make a difference or if you will hear it or if I would ever tell you in person

Know this.

Dear you

Precious girl of mine. Im so proud of you and how far you’ve come. I mean I know last year wasn’t that great, okay actually it was a pretty bad year. You were in love and happy one half of it and then distraught and self-destructive in the next.  I know. It was hard.

And you thought that coming into the new year everything was going to be okay right? That you are now on your high peak and you’ve already been in the dumps so what can be worse right?

Nothing. Nothing can be worse, but lets admit it. Its been tough huh?

You think too much into it tbh. You think too much and you give yourself away too much to people and put all your energy and investment into them that you don’t realise that every time you do that youre left with nothing each time. It must be exhausting.

Your soul is tired.

And you hardly sleep now. Your pillow is wet from everything you hold in each day. You scream underneath your blanket and you feel like sometimes hurting yourself.

Your soul is tired.

I know.

You have everything in place, your career, your education; you have everything there for you.

So why are we still stuck in the past?

You cant keep living this way Moe, yes I get it. You did wrong. You messed it up. You broke his heart. But you cant do anything about it and you either keep looking at yourself in the mirror and play the victim or you just get up and move on.

Huh? It sucks ? …. I know that but stop blaming yourself for ruining his description of love. Yes you broke his heart but you also taught him what it was to love. And when you were both in your happy place it was good. Really really really good. And hes gonna be alright. Hes going to be okay. How many times does God have to tell us that? To just leave him to God and hel be okay. So why are we still crying over the things that we cannot change?

You are so worthy.

You need to believe it i know you know it in your head but actually believe it.

Its never gonna work out the way you want it to. And hes never gonna give you what you want.

And that’s okay.

It doesn’t mean that you are to blame for all of this, it doesn’t mean that you will never find someone else in this. I know you just try to push and fight through but let’s face it…IT HURTS. It HURTS you when he shuts you out. It HURTS you when you can’t help but look at yourself as if you are the worst person in this world.

Let it go.

You cant keep living in that space. You’ve come so far. And you fought and you gave everything that you could to make it work.

But this is something he needs to fight for himself.

Let him be.

Set him free.

Let it go.

Its going to be okay. We’ll be okay.

Youre so beautiful and you got everything. Don’t worry your forever will come soon. So stop mucking around or getting in the way of his.

Your one will be here soon.

But for now, cut the trigger. Cut the routine. Cut the dependence. Leave it alone now.

Its truly a new season.

Embrace it without the past in the way.

Hes got you. And you already know that. Hes got you.

I love you so much

Xo

Dear Father,

Thankyou for your letter. I understand it all. I understand and I know.

But I cant give up control. I don’t know why. But I cant? I feel so tormented and conflicted with my own needs and plans that sometimes I lose sight of the bigger picture.

I know that I am a masterpiece.

I know that I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

But that’s just it.

I know… meaning it’s logical. It fits with my mental understanding of you. So then why does my heart still feel like it’s going to burst. Like in flames. Why do I always self-inflict this unnecessary process in me?

You now God. Sometimes I get sick of my old ways. And i know as much as I tell people I am laying everything at the altar, there are still things that I hold onto.

My flesh is a horrible twisted person of its own. And it’s been constantly dragged and attracted to the darkness of this world. I feel like pulling it off and scraping it away so I can only live on dry bones but at least with dry bones we are able to birth them alive in your name. But the flesh. The flesh has been tormented over and over again with things that is has come immune to. With the heroines of this world that briefly gives me the satisfaction of being wanted, that gives me the high of every smiling snickering face of the enemy. It’s been wrapped around me for so long that I barely notice it’s there. Until it gets filled up up up and then I suffocate. I panic. I break because these bones can’t bear this unwanted flesh again. Lord, I need the refreshing of your mercy but how much grace can i get until it becomes the norm? How much circles do I need to run around in before realising that circles can never fit into squares?

This is my cry

This is my frustration

If i could just abort the conformity of my heart, the thorns that keep appearing no matter how much i try to pull at it. If i could just scream this agony that hides deep within the blood and DNA you have purposely given to me. I see the army running and holding their ranks, I see my position, I see my part but father if you know my heart you will also know that the uniform you have chosen me to wear hides the deepest of my intentions. And i am sick of hiding.

So this is my cry.

This is my truth.

I hear the trumpet but I am too busy trying to blow my own.

I love reading your truth, but I am too busy just reading alone.

To busy fitting the words into the comfort of my head and not activating it in my actions.

This is my cry.

I push you off sometimes

I block my ears

And guard my heart so you don’t see through it

But then the thorns get too sharp. They start to prick at me. They start to pierce through and come out. And i know you see every one of them no matter how small but Lord help me pull it out! I just want it out!  Pull it out as I know thorns are a product of roses and even roses have a sense of beauty with them on it, so you know its there but you only see the rose but Lord i only see the thorns!

I only see the thorns.

Sometimes, I just get sick of fighting.

Sometimes i just want to gravel at your feet and stay there as I feel more comfortable here then on the right side of your throne.

With your feet I am able to cry this pain out because i am too scared to cry it in front of your face.    

Lay me down at your feet let me rest there for a while

Here, the lions and bears stay away from me.

Im sorry. 

It hurts, I know, but let me tell you one thing about the process you are going through. Its discipline. Youve strayed too far away from me that when you finally came back there were things deeply rooted in you that I had to take away. 

Dont ever think I delight in seeing you cry.

In fact it breaks my heart more that you dont cry like that for me. But its okay, I know youre still learning. And I knew long before you were birthed into this world that you will come back to me. 

You have a purpose. 

But you have to understand, that the things youve brought back with you dont belong in my kingdom. I cant dwell peacefully in you if you still have thorns growing in your heart.

Do you understand?

I cant dwell peacefully in you if you still have thorns growing in your heart.

For a long time, I have seen you allow these things to come easily and sit inside you. For a long time I have seen you self-destruct. And although I really did want to intervene and stop you. I knew that would be taking away your free will. I can’t force myself upon you.

Do you understand?

I can’t force myself upon you.

But don’t ever think for once that I left you. As a matter of fact even when you were going through the toughest of times ive given you signs or people to show you that I care.

My precious precious daughter. How many people have told you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made? Yet you don’t believe it? Don’t you see that was me working in them? My precious precious daughter. How many people do you think have prayed for you? More than you can imagine? Don’t you see it was me working through them?

I can’t dwell peacefully in you if you still have thorns

I know you feel like everything is too much right now, that this process im putting you through hurts too much, but it only hurts because you don’t trust me enough to do my will.

I understand you. More than you ever know. But have you once tried to understand me? Have you once thought that maybe this process is because of how much I love you?

Don’t you see?

Wherever your heart lies, that is where your treasure is. And if you are hurting right now, then check your heart. Is it with me? Fully? Because if it is then your treasure should never hurt because it is Kingdom. But if you are still hurting over the process- check your heart. Am i an addition or submission?

You plead and you cry to me, you have your tantrums and sooks about how this is hard – my daughter I KNOW this is hard, I want to take the pain away, but why do I need to fight you in order for you to get this? Why do I have to prove to you how much you are loved when your heart is lost in something else?

You test me rather than trust me.

And i know its because the enemy has lied to you for too long. But since you said yes to me, since I came into your life its been an ongoing battle and we can either do this together or you can push me away - you choose. BUT DON’T TEST ME.

That is an insult to me. You know what its saying? Its saying that my son wasn’t enough for you. Its saying that I sacrificed him for nothing. Do you know how much that hurts?  You try giving up your son and watch him sweat blood, You try giving up your son to those people who embarrassed him, who mocked him who condemned him, You try giving your son up to the violent slashes that hit his back constantly and then make him walk miles with that cross. Can you honestly say youl be able to do that for the greater good?

My daughter, whats it going to take?

My son was crucified so you wont have to go through that, and in no way am i asking you to do it. All im asking for is your submission. All im asking for is your trust. And to give me everything that you have so that you can complete my purpose. What I asked of Jesus was far more then what im asking of you….so tell me again, why is this hard?

I know. It hurts. But lift your perspective and see your finish. Try and see it from my eyes. You are a product of heaven. Can you honestly say right now where youre at is the best depiction of my perspective? Because until you do then well, we have work to do.

Cry your tears, shout your anger and bitterness out. The greatest lie the enemy can do is to make you think everything is okay. Is to make you think hes not there. The greatest lie the enemy can do is to make you forget.

But since you said yes to me, I need to show you these things that the enemy has hidden from you. Why? Because I cant take you to your finish if its still in you.

You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Those are not empty words. You are a product of me. Those are not empty words. Don’t treat it like some kind of line in a script or take it lightly. Because i need you to believe it. You have to believe it, because I see you as my daughter. Daughter of the king. One who is meant for my purpose. I need you to believe it. I love you. Please don’t ever question my love for you again. I love you, and I cant leave you like that.

Do you understand?

I cant leave you like that.

Check your heart.

Addition or Submission?

Let me dwell peacefully in you, this process can’t end until the day you do.  

Im not gonna fight this on my own, not because I can’t because I can. Trust me I can. But you have the power and authority to do it. You have the power and authority to choose. You have me in you. Do you know what that means? It means that you are saved, that you are favoured, and that you are anointed. Don’t underestimate that salvation. Don’t underestimate your God given purpose despite how unworthy you may feel.  

I did it with Paul,

I did it with David,

I can do it with you.

I love you, beyond human understanding…

Your one and only Father, the Holy spirit. Xo

Starts now.

I have laid out every plea of me and my reasons and darkness. 

I have done what i can to fix it all.

Now its time to let it go.

Im letting it go, I will no longer try and fix, I will no longer try and fight for my place in his heart anymore. 

God will fight my battle. 

I pray that he fights for me 

pray that he fixes the things that have corrupted our relationship.

And i pray that he gives me the strength to expect the chance that he may not come back.

Out of all things I pray for that.

That my heart will still stand after he decides to leave. 

War Room

Starts now.

It is no longer with me.

You already know my weaknesses, you already know my roots of darkness. Im sorry that I wasnt strong enough to overcome them. That the short lived pleasure succeeded yet again. Im sorry. I know youve probably already forgiven me. And there a days when I know it myself. But some days are just to hard. 

Like today.

Today, the darkness seems to strong. But i guess thats a discussion we can have in my room tonight. 

For now? my prayer is of thanks. 

Thankyou for sending me a person that appreciated me the way I can imagine you doing. Through him I felt your love. 

Thankyou for sending me a love so pure and innocent. For letting me feel even for just a bit..worthy. 

Thankyou for giving me a person that wasnt afraid to hold my whole world. For allowing me to be the keeper of his heart. 

I only pray that his experience with me was just as beautiful. That he doesnt let this cloud his judgement on love or your love for that matter. 

Lord. Show him he is worthy. 

You sent me a heavenly man, who only loved me in a heavenly manner. And although I knew deep down inside it was hard for me to accept that, I see it now. It was a love so beautiful that my heart couldnt comprehend the fact it was given to me. 

And i know thats not an excuse. 

But i have these demons that are still lurking in the roots of my heart, that I only wish i conquered them fully before trying to give it to this person. Instead these demons grew bigger with insecurities, constantly second guessing his love for me. I didnt understand how a human being so beautiful could give so selflessly like that. 

I didnt understand because my demons were still living. 

If there was one thing you could whisper into his ear right now itl be this. 

“You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the eyes of the Lord, dont ever question your worthiness or determine your ability to love as a man according to the way she broke your heart”

I know asking for you to bring him back to me is to much, for healing has its own process. But if I could only ask one thing of you is this

Love him. 

I know you always have, and its a love that I couldnt give him. But love him and make him feel like he is worthy to be love. I know you will. I just thought id plead again.

But this is a prayer of thanks more then anything. 

Thankyou for sending me him, it was for a short while but from there Iv learnt a valuable lesson of myself. 

That is to just love. And to appreciate love that is shown. To never question it. To never assume I didnt deserve it. To never let insecurities cloud my heart. 

Thankyou for sending me what it means to be loved. 

I woke up today. It was hard. But i woke up. 

And no the heart didnt feel any lighter, and no my face wasnt clearer, the aftermath of tears were still reflected on my eyelids. Its funny when you open up your eyes and all you feel are tears that were left over from lastnight. Just sitting there. Awaiting to come down again.

Then the anger starts up again

the resentment

 regret.

And you feel like ripping your skin off just so he can see you new again.

But its okay coz i reminded myself that I woke up. I woke up and thats something worth to be thankful for. 

He looks at me with piercing eyes of love. He’d stop his whole world just to make sure mine was okay. He’d lie in front of me naked with vulnerability ready to destroy himself in order to lift me up. His hands would enclose my whole body careful enough to not crack the insides of my flaws but strong enough to tell me they were okay. 

The only problem with this is, 

I was never carrying him. 

I was to weak into my flaws that I left him building our empire by himself. 

But its okay.

I woke up.

And i guess thats where its all going to start. 

The first step into self loving is waking up and being able to feel those feelings.

Today, I felt the pain of regret,

Lets backtrack this a bit. I met this kid over a year ago, with his mind intellect and his heavenly soul. He had a smile that was infectious, his kisses were sweet. Never made me feel like Eve and disregarded the tree. He held my heart with cautious hands, he gave me his world together we built and empire on golden sand.

Now besides the obvious first few lines of my so gone verse I wrote about him, I guess im heading into some deep love story where i typically gave him my all and he threw it all down the drain. Right?

So this is where I cry.

Because it wasnt him. It was me. I gave up my Adam just to be Eve. If that makes any sense at all. And what am I doing here?

Good question. Im here to cry in words. Because I cant cry in tears anymore. Im here to hopefully in some way release the weariness and soreness of my heart. Im here to occupy my fingers so I dont hit myself with my own two hands. 

How could I ruin everything like that?

Was it worth it?

I dont know, I guess thats aother post. 

But for now, 

this is where I cry

I cry because I just lost the love of my life.