mmlvea

a moment of silence for I am about to render this one

I can’t help but notice a lot of people seeing the homoeroticism of Ruben and Niall’s relationship as simply ‘hot and they should’ve just made out’ yada yada yada.

I’m not judging, to each their own, I guess, but are we just joking or are we really missing all that is between the lines?? And mind you, the lines are very far apart, it should be easy to read between them.

While homoeroticism is undeniably a very important part of their relationship (it’s stupid to try and brush it off, and I saw some people trying to erase that), I really struggle to find it ‘hot&sexy’ within the given context.

Now with the finale of the story, even more so.

Ruben’s confession of being assaulted by his father, an aggressive man, and him feeling shame, fear, guilt, and him being terrified that his body responded, that he felt close to him. Just like it happened with Ruben and Niall. Only that with them, Niall was the one who was being assaulted and left to deal with all the same terror and Ruben was an aggressive man.

And it is nothing but terrifying.

And whenever any homoerotic stuff between Ruben and Niall came up on the screen, it was always accompanied by aggression and fear.

I like how it leaves a room to contemplate whether it could have been different if Niall hadn’t been as afraid to lay out his biggest secret (being gay, oh Niall, oh boy).

Well, it definitely could have been different but would it have been better??

Because Ruben’s sentence was one of the pivotal moments, for sure. However, I believe the actual turn of events led to the characters that we got to know.

Would young Ruben react the same?? I doubt that. Would Niall cut out his need to be miserable (and I do believe it’s like an addiction to him, coming from another addict)?? Perhaps, but it’s not just Ruben that made him this way.

Would they somehow still have gotten to the point of baring themselves to each other?? That’s the thing I’m most curious about.

They bond over tragedy that is their lives, over the way they both fucked up and are both fucked up. And it feels almost as if in order to keep that bond or to bond even more, they need to follow the pattern of doing fucked up things, they need to sabotage each other, they need one another to be a fuck up.

And not only for the bonding but also for the self-reassurance. Their bond is kind of like a leash, or a tug-o-war, if you will, someone has to be leading at the expense of other’s losing.

Because it’s such a manly thing to do. To win, to be better, to be stronger, to achieve more, to have a bigger dick.

At the end of the day, we see this rivalry taking the most primal form, a mix of physical violence, blinding rage and, above all, fear.

And nobody really won, the rope just snapped and they both fell. Though Niall did fall first, I think that was the victory for Ruben, that was the most simple way of taking the lead, once and for all.

watched the 6th ep

smoked

as of now, sitting on my bed thinking

doing something.. not done quite yet

I might render.. I might not..