Marlene J. McKinnon

Couldn’t fault her for that one. Sirius nodded. That might have been why he’d had that brief thought about being a healer. But that was more likely because he had no idea who he fucking was or how to even go about knowing and just wanted something to distract him from that. Peakes proved that being a healer was certainly not a personality. Not that he thought any job would actually help him figure out who he was. But knowing more healing spells would help his fear of something happening to one of the blokes and him not being able to help them. Maybe. He was just glad he wasn’t the one having to find a job. Especially now that he was apparently no longer running from the fear that angry Black family fuck up was all he really was.  As desperate as he was not to think about that you’d think he’d pay more attention to what he was saying. You’d be wrong. Instead he was  surprised she’d taken it completely wrong. “I never said  you wouldn’t be good at either of those. What the fuck do I know what makes a good shop girl?” Not to mention how hard could either shop girl or waitress be?  Surprisingly he didn’t mention that. “All I said was if you’e going for a job at the Leaky being a maid might be more interesting. Seeing as how they’re the ones who probably know who’s sneaking in and out of rooms. Also got access to rooms. I’d be nosey as fuck and poke around if it was me,” he added with a shrug. He’d said as much to the American when they’d leant him the books, because he was sure someone was poking around the bloke’s room. “Just saying a job with something interesting might less.”

As burned out as MJ was feeling from doing both auror training and the Order at the same time, she could only imagine how much worse it was doing just the Order. Maybe six months ago it would have sounded better; all fighting and no rules. Now she didn’t know which group did it better. It sort of felt like they both had it wrong. Six months ago she’d probably also have felt like a coward for wanting to find a new job just so she didn’t have to do more for the Order than she was already doing. Now she was just trying to survive. She wondered if Sirius felt the same. At least he seemed to understand why she didn’t want to be a full-time Order member. Though apparently that was because he thought she was better-suited to working as a bloody maid. Her brows pulled together as she tried to make sense of what he was saying. She wasn’t sure if she was pleased that he apparently hadn’t been implying she’d be a bad shop girl or not; she wasn’t really sure if being a good or a bad shopgirl was any kind of compliment or insult. Being better-suited for being a maid over a shopgirl felt like an insult though. Only apparently Sirius was talking about being nosy and spying on people. Okay. MJ quirked an eyebrow, her lips twitching in a slight smirk. “Okay, fine, maybe snooping around peoples’ rooms sounds kinda fun. But not worth also having to clean up after them. Especially after the people who have people sneaking in and out.” MJ wrinkled her nose; she definitely did not want to be the person responsible for changing the sheets or bringing in fresh towels. Ew. “Maybe behind the bar is the place to be. You can still see who’s coming and going, and then you just befriend the maids and get all the dirt that way. Plus you could drink on the job....” Maybe there was actually something there. Hm.

While Sirius made a  point not to even touch a Prophet unless it was wrapped around some fish and chips he wasn’t surprised to hear that there wasn’t a lot of hiring opportunities. Diagon looked like a ghost alley for the most part. The last time he’d been in Knockturn it had even managed to look worse than usual. Things were definitely going to shit. The Order really seemed to be doing a fat lot of nothing, aside from apparently fucking with Americans heads and dumping them on the streets of London. Hopefully Remus’s American wouldn’t be next. He didn’t really know what to say to MJ’s comment, it was just surprising she was even having a conversation with him. Her question mirrored his thoughts a little too well. Everything seemed boring as shit these days. He nodded at her trailed off sentence. “Wouldn’t recommend just doing it,” he replied meaning the Order but not giving any hint to what he was talking about. Sirius didn’t know if having a job and being in the Order sucked balls because he didn’t have a job. But he did know that doing nothing but the Order sucked. While it was not all that he and the blokes did it felt like it a lot of days. Not having responsibilities, as Moody put it, apparently meant they were great options for all the things they didn’t have anyone else for.  Long missions. Undercover shit like they had Moony doing. Last minute owls because they needed an extra and it wasn’t like he or Prongs had a life,  apparently. Not to mention missions during shit hours that Sirius would very much rather be using to sleep. This was not just a topic they couldn’t talk about here but one he didn’t feel like talking about at all. Only the Order could make talking about jobs somehow better. “Dealing with drunks would probably be a lot like dealing with brats over sugar. More acceptable to punch the drunks I guess.” People would probably get pretty shitty if you started punching little kids, even if some of them probably deserved it. He certainly could think of a few blokes who probably deserved a good punch even as kids. “If you were going for the Leaky though might be more interesting to be a maid. You know they have the goods on all the guests.” Made him wonder what they thought of Remus and his American instead of realizing that he’d just suggested MJ become a maid. Someone once said it was like Sirius wanted to get punched, this conversation was leaning towards proving them right.

“Yeah….that’s also part of why I need to find something else,” MJ surprised herself by admitting that out loud, but Sirius had surprised her by implying that he wasn’t loving not having a job and just being part of the Order. Of course he wasn’t. No one in the Order actually liked being in the Order, did they? It used to feel like at least they were doing something good, something Important. Maybe they still were. But that felt a lot more complicated now than it used to. As did everything. Even just finding something to fill the hours of the day was more complicated. Though maybe Sirius had a point about working someplace she could get away with punching. She smirked at the comment. There were plenty of kids who deserved to be punched just as much as annoying drunks, if you asked her, but one of the two was far more socially accepted. Though that was forgotten at the next thing he said. MJ frowned. Maybe Black was onto something about finding a job where she could at least get some interesting gossip on people, but -- “So you don’t think I’d be a good shop girl or a good waitress, but you think I should be a maid?” She asked, not sure whether she should be insulted or just laugh in his face at how absurd the suggestion was. Not that MJ had anything against people who worked as maids, but she sure didn’t want to spend her time not with the Order cleaning up after strangers and  -- was that really the first job he could think of that supposedly suited her? What a git. 

Maybe using Evans’ phrase wasn’t great but there was no backing down now. “Yeah, the government, you know, all those rules and shit,” he replied vaguely, pretty sure that was it. Rules felt like the prime reason not to work for the government but shit encompassed all the other stuff. It worked. Not his fault MJ wasn’t up on muggle lingo. Yeah it was his fault for using lingo he only vaguely understood but whatever. It sounded cool. Clearly saying she didn’t seem l ike a shop girl wasn’t cool.  He’d meant it as a compliment. But Sirius doubted that mattered.  Maybe this was where she was finally gonna deck him. It took all his limited self control not to curl  his lip at the mention of money. He was well aware that not everyone had vaults full fo it like him and James but it was such a boring topic. Money was so dumb, why did they even need it? Why couldn’t they just not deal with it? Then it wouldn’t matter if Moony had none because no one would. Without money maybe all this shit about having jobs and what are you going to do with your life would be gone. Moony wouldn’t be planning his post-war unemployment. MJ wouldn’t be all pissy because she apparently didn’t know any more than he did what she was going to do with her life. “I dunno. Just figured you’d go for something more interesting than listening to little brats beg for candy all day.” It was an answer that might piss her off more but he really didn’t have any other. “Guess it’s better than being a waitress at the Leaky,” he added with a slight shrug of one shoulder. Sirius sort of thought the Leaky might be more interesting, certainly fewer brats, but. What did he know.

MJ wasn’t totally convinced by Sirius’s explanation of what the man was, but it sounded close enough to the way her cousins used it that she just shrugged. “I guess so.” The rules and rigidity and refusal to make necessary changes -- which was why the Order existed -- were all things MJ hadn’t liked about auror training. But she wasn’t totally convinced she wasn’t still stuck in a different version of that with the Order, playing by Moody and Dumbledore’s invisible rules with the threat of having her head fucked up if she didn’t fall in line. In some ways it felt worse than the Ministry. Or like a different version of the same thing. So did getting a random job so she could make money until she figured out what to do with her life, because that was what she was supposed to do and as much as she hated that fact, there wasn’t a whole lot she could do about it either. Her brothers would probably give her a pass on rent for the house for a bit, but she didn’t want to put them in that position. Though it was too soon to tell if dealing with telling people she worked at a shop (if one would even hire her) was any better than telling them she was doing nothing. Maybe ‘fuck off and mind your own business’ was the better choice. It definitely was when it came to Sirius, but clearly MJ was not good at making the better choice when it came to him. Which was why a plan she’d been feeling pretty okay about in the grand scheme of things was suddenly feeling a lot worse, all thanks to Black and his stupid opinions that she was not supposed to care about. Only, as usual, his opinions were too closely aligned to her own for her to blame the feeling entirely on him. He was just pointing out what she’d tried not to dwell on. The git. She rolled her eyes. “It’s not like this was my first choice but there aren’t exactly a lot of options right now.” At least she hadn’t gone to the beauty potion shop yet. Definitely not worth it. She frowned when he mentioned the Leaky. MJ wasn’t really sure she was cut out for waitressing; too much smiling and shit, but then again that was part of the job at a shop too. But the Leaky definitely sounded like a better place to be stuck at every day. “Is it?” she couldn’t help asking, even though this was really not something she needed to be talking about with Sirius of all people. “It all sounds boring as shit,” she added. “But it’s better than being in auror training all day and then…” She trailed off, because the Order wasn’t something that could be discussed here. And also not something she needed to be talking about with Sirius either. It wasn’t any of his business. And MJ didn’t care what he thought. Right. 

Talking about is family in a positive way to someone was weird. Even with the blokes he’d always sort of played it off or acted like Andie was more of a bother than anything, when he mentioned her at all. Not that Andie deserved that. But acknowledging that one of his relatives wasn’t a complete disaster of a person, or carrying around some deep sordid secret had felt like proving everyone right about him. That he was just as bad as the rest of them, in a different way. Because clearly at least one Black was capable of being a good person. It still felt like admitting he was a fuck up rather than anything else. Not like MJ didn’t know that one already. He really didn’t know what he was doing here. Apparently finding out MJ had quit auror training. Talk about something being out of character. It was just the quitting part that was surprising. “No shit,” he replied, actually impressed because maybe one of them knew what they wanted. Or maybe it was more like what she didn’t want. “Good on you for not working for the man anymore.” When they were all supposed to be picking their careers he’d heard Evans say working for the Ministry was working for the man. Sirius didn’t completely get it but he’d liked the phrase. “Can’t say I ever pictured you as a shop girl,” he said before realizing that he probably shouldn’t have. It wasn’t his business if she wanted to get some boring job working at a shop.

Did Sirius actually sound impressed that MJ quit auror training, or was he just surprised? MJ was inclined to think it was just surprise; nothing felt impressive about quitting something she’d been dreaming of for years, even if that dream had been killed off by the Order now. Or maybe he was a little impressed that she wasn’t working for -- “The man?” She asked with a quirked eyebrow and a wry grin. That sounded like something one of her muggle cousins would say, but maybe he sort of had a point, and it sort of had a bit to do with why she’d quit. It had been stifling in a way she hadn’t been expecting. But her amusement vanished at the next thing he said, already insulting the new job she couldn’t even get. “No?” She asked, irritation creeping into her voice. Who asked him what he thought she was supposed to be? And why couldn’t he just tell her the bloody answer if he knew, instead of being a jerk about the fact she needed to make a living somehow? She crossed her arms. “Well neither did I, but I’ve got to make money somehow while I figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do with my life, haven’t I? But if you have a better idea I’m all ears.” Her tone was sarcastic but truthfully MJ wondered what he did see her doing, if not working as a shop girl.

Despite this whole thing being really weird and awkward Sirius chuckled at MJ’s comment about Andie. Andie would probably like her. Which was definitely not something he was going to say out loud. He wished he hadn’t thought it even.  “Yeah, she’s a good one,” is what he said instead. Much better. He didn’t even know what he bloody wanted. But it was definitely not to introduce some bird, any bird, to Andie. Sirius was pretty certain he’d rather pluck out his eyeball than do that. At least he knew some things for certain. Unfortunately one of those things wasn’t what the hell he was doing here. Why he was making small talk, sort of, with MJ of all people. It sounded like maybe she was leading up to something. Because she’d asked him about a date that’s where his mind went. Only it seemed weird to be meeting up with someone at a sweets shop and she certainly wasn’t with anyone right now. Maybe she was dating a guy who worked here? Or she was trying to work here. Didn’t see that one coming. If things weren’t so weird he might have made joke here. Something along the lines of the auror department making them get a real job. Or even asked if she and her brothers had burnt something down that she needed extra money to pay off. Which felt more likely given her family. He raised an eyebrow in interest before reminding himself it wasn’t any of his business. Trying to look less interested, he replied. “Oh. I thought auror training was like a full time job.” Frankly he was really curious despite it not being his business. It was hard not to be. Given that she was doing both training and the Order he had assumed that was that. Maybe it was because he himself had never had to worry about money but he assumed that if training didn’t pay she was taken care of. After all, her brother had already gone through it all so clearly they knew what to expect. Maybe she  just wanted extra money. But that felt like a lot, even working at a place like this, to juggle. Training, Order, and a job.

“I’m glad,” MJ said, genuine despite the weirdness of the conversation. MJ was positive she’d never heard Sirius use the word ‘good’ to describe anyone in his family before. Maybe that was how he felt about his little brother now the kid had joined the Order, but that had happened after things got complicated between her and Sirius. Even before then, he’d never mentioned his family. For reasons MJ always figured were obvious given his last name and the fact she was pretty sure he’d moved in with the Potters after fifth year. She wondered if this cousin had made a break for it with Sirius’s little brother, or if she’d always been a presence, just not someone he’d ever mentioned to MJ. And why would he have? They’d talked plenty, enough that MJ had felt like he actually got her -- her sense of adventure, her thirst for freedom from what felt like monotony of adulthood that was waiting for her -- but there was a lot they didn’t talk about. Keeping things casual, and she’d liked that until she realized her feelings had gotten deeper without her noticing. Maybe that’s why it was so hard to shake them, because she hadn’t seen them coming. And now here they were making small talk that actually wasn’t quite so small and if the way Sirius lifted his eyebrows was any indication it wasn’t small to him either. Or maybe it was. Apparently she hadn’t been clear enough. “It is,” MJ said lightly. She could just leave it there. Maybe she should. Once, what felt like a long time ago on the side of a cliff in Ireland, she’d actually confided in him that she felt stuck, what with the Order and Auror training. It hadn’t been as bad then; she’d have balked at the thought of quitting. But then there’d been that time more recently, where she’d owled him by mistake and let things go on too long and confided in him again. Like an idiot. Maybe that was why, like an idiot, she added on, “That’s why I need a new one. I quit.” Nothing unclear about that.

Wow, MJ didn’t deck him or knee him. Unexpected. “Right there,” he replied. Maybe he should have picked a topic that could actually be talked about. But again he hadn’t expected her to actually to talk to him. He was surprised by her question, especially because he didn’t think buying wine for a date was really him. That felt more like someone like Prongs would buy. He did his best to ignore the obvious question, was she dating. “No, family dinner.” Saying it was for a date might have sounded less weird coming from him admittedly. Family dinners were not his scene, not even at Andie’s. “Believe it or not I’ve got a cousin that’s not a complete whack job. Of course she did tell me if I picked her flowers one more time I’d be fertilizer for them and despite marrying a Hufflepuff, she’d do it. So definitely still some whack job in her.”

Talk about way more than she needed to know, or asked for. “Anyway I decided wine might be a better option.” Yep this was a bad idea. “They out of your sweets,” he asked noticing her lack of bag despite coming out of a shop. What he should have done was to tell her goodbye and keep walking. Sirius wasn’t sure why he hadn’t. Was this part of trying? Did he want it to be? He wasn’t sure. All he did know was MJ was still smoking hot as ever and if she was dating someone that would make it all easier because it wouldn’t fucking matter what he wanted anymore. One less thing to figure out.

Part of MJ was hoping Sirius did buy the wine for a date. It was hard to picture SIrius buying wine for a date, but it was also just hard to picture Sirius buying wine for anything. He was more of a hard liquor or firewhiskey type of bloke, at least in MJ’s opinion. But what did she know really? Maybe he’d found some bird he actually wanted to be with and she liked wine. Or it was for a family dinner. MJ wished she didn’t feel sort of relieved to hear it wasn’t for a date, but it was easy to ignore that feeling when surprise overtook it. She lifted her eyebrows. Family dinner? Her first thought was he meant the Potters, and she was even more surprised when he explained it was actually a Black Family dinner with a cousin. Huh. MJ wondered if his little brother who kept popping up at headquarters was part of that family dinner too. It was a strange scene to picture, but sort of a nice one too. Her lips twitched in amusement at Sirius’s description of his cousin, though she was surprised he was saying so much to her about a family member. Who was married to a Hufflepuff. Huh. “Sounds like my kind of whack job,” she said with a slight smirk after his comment about being turned into fertilizer. 

It would have been fucking wonderful if after his conversation with Moony things were just easier. But of course they weren’t. Shit was hard. Life continued marching on, despite the war making everything feel more like it was dragging on. It was easy to just not do anything. But he’d promised Moony he’d try and it looked like Moony was trying. That or he’d finally gotten too horny to ignore. Maybe it was a little of both. Either way Sirius was trying to keep his end of the bargain. It was just a lot harder than expected. Especially when he didn’t know how exactly. Figuring himself out didn’t really have a recognizable starting point. It was probably time to start asking Andie some hard questions. Since he was going to be going over there for Sunday dinner, hopefully with Moony in tow so he didn’t have to address this on his own, Sirius decided to actually pick up something instead of his usual pick a bunch of flowers out of someone’s yard right before he apparated to the cottage. Or occasionally pick some from Andie’s yard. Apparently the thought didn’t always count. He’d already gotten a bottle of wine he knew Andie liked but since he was out shopping he thought he might try and find Reg something. If a broomstick didn’t make amends nothing would but he was trying to be more positive or some shit. Seeing as how he hadn’t seen MJ around headquarters lately it was a shock to run into her out shopping of all places. His first reaction was to go the other way before she saw him but he was not doing his first reaction these days. Instead he walked over to her,  resisting the urge to check himself out in one of the windows because he always looked good. It was the inside that was the disaster. “Hey, McKinnon,” he greeted her once they were close enough. Sirius had absolutely no idea what to say. “Crazy about all that memory shit, huh?” Talking about the Order in public wasn’t great but he figured since he hadn’t elaborated that it was vague enough. Besides he didn’t really expect her to talk to him. If anything she’d probably deck him or knee him and keep walking. Deservedly.

Turning in her resignation from auror training to the head auror had been hard. It was a huge relief to know the only fighting she had to do now was for the Order -- as if that wasn’t awful enough on its own -- but that didn’t make it easier to give up on a dream she’d held all through Hogwarts. The war had taken a lot already; her dream felt like a relatively insignificant addition to the list in the grand scheme of things. But it wasn’t just that her dream was gone. What if she never figured out a plan B? A real plan B? She’d really been hoping to have at least a temporary job lined up to fill however long it took her to figure out what her Plan B was before telling her parents she was quitting. But family dinner was just a few days away and it seemed like nowhere was hiring. Which of course they weren’t, because there was a bloody war that was just seeping its way into every single part of her life; first her dream was gone, and now even her backup plan was fizzling out of existence. She was feeling discouraged as she walked out the sweets shop -- also not hiring. At this rate she was going to have to resort to the beauty potion shop. Which also probably wasn’t hiring. MJ was debating whether it was worth even going across the street to find out when noticed a familiar figure approaching. Looking right at her, which meant she couldn’t pretend she hadn’t seen him. Even worse was that her heart stopped for a second at the sight of him. Bloody hell, she needed to get over him. MJ had way bigger problems to deal with than her stupid feelings for a bloke that clearly wasn’t interested. Only it wasn’t entirely clear he wasn’t interested, which was part of the problem. What a git. A git who wasn’t just avoiding her like at Headquarters or finding some reason to be pissed at her but instead -- saying hi? Oh. Okay. “Hey, Black,” she returned the greeting, expecting him to keep on walking to wherever he needed to be. Instead he was actually talking to her. About Dawn? MJ fixed him with an odd look. That was really what he wanted to say to her? And in the middle of a public place for that matter? “Uh.... Yeah, I’d say crazy is putting it lightly,” she answered, confused about what was happening. What happened to Dawn was something scary, upsetting and she wondered how Sirius felt about it. But it wasn’t something they could really get into here. And it was too personal to get into anyways; that was a boundary he’d drawn, wasn’t it? Her eyes flickered to his shopping bag, clearly holding a bottle of wine, and she quirked an eyebrow. “Hot date?”

“We always were,” Mike agreed with a grin. The only one who’d ever gotten really hurt was Josh and even he’d been fine, eventually. Josh would agree that was less to do with the McKinnon plan and more to do with him having piss poor balance. McKinnon plans usually turned out spot on. More or less. And this one wasn’t so bad. A job somewhere to give MJ something to do. After all a McKinnon left to their own thoughts was probably a bad idea. He laughed at her comment about burning down the house. “Pretty sure that’s why mum always said we needed to be kept busy.” Shame for her that some of their busy work ended up being constructing bonfires. But they’d never burned down the house, just nearly. Which didn’t count. He laughed even more when she said they’d be on his floor. “Nah, we’d just toss the blokes out and keep you. Might wanna not tell Penny it was you who burnt the place down though, just in case,” he added with a wink. “They can go hit up Molly’s.” Or he supposed now it would be their girlfriends’s places but them sleeping on Molly’s floor was funnier. He was glad that MJ looked like she was feeling better. “Of course, that’s what I’m here for, making sure you trouble makers don’t burn the house down,” he added with a teasing grin. “It’ll be okay. It’s a good solid plan B and we’ll get plan C worked out. Or we skip to plan M and find you a circus.”

He chuckled at her memory.  “Yeah, we probably should have tested that charm on ourselves first but you were the only one light enough for the tightrope.”

Probably not the reason their parents had stepped in, at least not the only one.  Life sure seemed a lot easier when all they had to worry about was how big of a fire they could have before it got out of hand. That didn’t mean he couldn’t try and make things a little easier for MJ. “Yeah. I do.” He thought they’d be happier if it was the Order she was leaving but they didn’t need to know all the details about why that couldn’t happen. Mike had never fully trusted Moody or Dumbledore with his siblings. But that had been because he’d known that they’d do what was best for the greater good even if it wasn’t good for the McKinnons. While Mike would burn the whole fucking Ministry down for one of his siblings. Now he wondered if he and Matt had it right about them but wrong about the reason. Lately Mike just hadn’t been so sure the greater good was all that good. Regardless, he had no qualms about lying to Moody to protect his family. Or maybe MJ wouldn’t have to lie.  “Now there’s an idea! Mum always said we were better off keeping busy. You could find something that wouldn’t be too much but enough to give you some space.” Mike liked the idea of MJ finding something outside the Ministry. Something normal. Sure Matt and Max’s jobs had nothing to do with the war,  but it was seeping into every part of the Ministry it felt like. At least this way one of them would be free of that. It was something. “Even if it’s a little boring, it might not be too bad since it’s temporary.” Probably less stress too.

“I would have been fine….eventually,” she said with a laugh. If only things hadn’t gotten so complicated since those days. Though it was sort of a relief to hear Mike say he didn’t think their parents would be upset if she just stepped back from auror training without having some grand life plan B figured out. Their parents had always encouraged them to be spontaneous, but they’d also made sure they knew the importance of hard work. And not quitting. Though she felt a little better at how quickly Mike agreed that just finding a random job someplace was a good idea. MJ had been doing enough thinking as it was, the last thing she needed was a bunch of time to herself to think more and get even more confused. Maybe having something to occupy her time would actually help. And at least doing something would make it less terrible if she didn’t figure out what the heck she wanted to do with her life in the next few weeks. Maybe she’d just do whatever job she could find until the war ended and join the circus after all. She nodded. “Space sounds nice. I can’t promise the house wouldn’t eventually burn down if I’m left on my own too long,” she added, only half-joking. “Guess that wouldn’t be such a problem for you. Except you’d have all of us sleeping on your floor so actually it’d still be your problem,” she added with a teasing grin, still feeling stressed but surprisingly feeling better now that she had some idea of what she was doing in at least the next few weeks if not the rest of her life. And knowing that Mike wasn’t disappointed in her helped a lot too. “Thanks, Mike,” she added. 

He chuckled despite her joking tone falling. “That’d be sweet. After dad took us to that circus I always thought it’d be cool to get shot out of one of them cannon things.” Though the clothesline turned tightrope was probably the reason they’d only gone to the circus once. Too many good ideas to be had. “They’d definitely like the sound of surviving the war,” he added knowing it wasn’t that helpful of an addition. “Probably when you had to actual do it.” Reality wasn’t really turning out anything like it seemed. Especially with how dark and gritty shit was getting.  “Maybe you don’t have to figure it out right way,”  Mike said,  trying to come up with something to help MJ out. Maybe take some of the pressure off. “You can just tell mum and dad you’re focusing on the Order right now. That’s plenty. Maybe once you get bored enough you’ll have something figured out.” He was mostly teasing about the bored part. But a break wouldn’t be a bad thing. In fact Mike wished he could find a way to give them all some kind of break. “We just need to make sure Moody thinks you have a job,”  he added realizing that Moody would just try and schedule MJ more, especially with the bit of auror training she had making her more useful than the ones without. “We can say you’re gonna help the blokes with the fire whiskey. Or something, we’ll figure something out.” Give MJ some time to sort out what she was going to do.  At the very least keep her from fighting all the time which was why she was quitting training to begin with.

MJ appreciated the way Mike humored her joke even after it fell flat, though truthfully the thought of running away to join the circus when the war was over sounded like a genuinely good one. A new city every week. Death-defying stunts. The war far behind her. She chuckle at Mike’s comment. “Me too. Remember how mad mum and dad got when we tried to make our own trapeze and set it on fire? Shame we never got to test that fireproofing charm you and Matt put on my shoes,” she said with a smile. MJ was still convinced she’d have been fine, but in hindsight their parents had probably intervened just in time to save her from a summer of burned feet. Her smile turned to a grimace at Mike’s comment about how figuring out what she wanted got hard when she had to actually do it. He was right, of course. But it was sort of reassuring to hear that maybe he understood a little bit, even if he clearly had things sorted out. She was surprised when he said maybe she didn’t need to figure out a plan right away. That she could just tell her parents she was focusing on the Order. “Do you really think mum and dad would be okay with that?” She asked dubiously. Only focusing more on the Order was not really something she’d considered. But Mike was right; if she dropped out of Auror training, of course she’d be expected to do more with the Order. And then it would be more of the same. Fighting every day, only worse, because the Order stuff was always worse than auror training. ...Or she could lie to Moody. That was a bigger surprise, though maybe not so much after everything that had been happening in the Order lately. Moody couldn’t be trusted to look out for them anymore, and that was a terrifying thought. But it was a little less terrifying knowing the McKinnons still had each other looking out for them. “You think that would work?” She asked. Moody clearly had a lot of awful tricks up his sleeves. Not to mention, “Maybe I should just get a job at a shop or a pub or something. Or maybe see if Gid and Fabian actually need help with the firewhiskey. Just….something, I dunno.” Truthfully, MJ didn’t want to be left alone to her thoughts for that long. Especially not with all the blokes busy with their real jobs and their girlfriends and their lives being on track in a way MJ’s was not.

“Okay,” he told her when she said she’d like his help telling their parents. He knew it wouldn’t be a thing, they might even be relieved. Being an auror wasn’t exactly a choice gig these days, especially not with the head of their department murdered. One less auror in the family might help their parents sleep better at night. Mike was surprised by her next question. “What? No way. I’d be disappointed if you were staying in training despite knowing you didn’t want to do it.” There were far too many aurors who were there for the wrong reason, they didn’t need more. But it was of course more than that. He couldn’t be disappointed in his little sister for not wanting her entire life to be fighting. Things might be different after the war, but they might not. Or the war might never end.  He wasn’t the one with a seer girlfriend so what did he know. All he knew was right now he fought more than he didn’t. And while not knowing exactly what MJ’s life was he did know what his life in training had been like, fight and go learn how to fight. Back when he’d dreamed of being an auror the job looked, at least from the outside, a lot different. It was helping people and keeping them safe. That’s why Mike had wanted to be an auror, one of the good guys. Now it was, well it felt like it was a lot of chasing their tails. Order or auror, there wasn’t a break to be had at all. Everything felt like it was going downhill. Knowing who to trust, who the good guys were,  was getting harder and harder. If anything he was sort of relieved,  despite the disappointment, that MJ wasn’t going to be living as much of this life anymore.  He just didn’t know how much of that to tell her without making her scared. It wasn’t as if any of them could leave the Order, that hadn’t really felt like an option for them even before the Dawn stuff came out. He had to do what he could do to help her keep her head up and not drowned in all this shit. “I don’t think any of the others, not even mum and dad, will be disappointed either,”  he decided on, hoping it would  help. “But mum and dad are gonna wanna know if you’ve got a plan,”  Mike added gently. MJ hadn’t said anything about what she wanted, only what she didn’t.  

Mike had a good point, she supposed. It was similar to what Max had said when they talked about this. Staying in training to be an auror when it wasn’t what she wanted anymore was worse. There were too many aurors who were making bad choices -- Moody for starters. And some in the Order too, like that bastard who abandoned Bertie and didn’t get kicked out. There was someone who deserved to have his head fucked with. Not Dawn. MJ couldn’t quite the Order -- and she didn’t want to, even before she knew that wasn’t an option -- but she could choose not to fight more than she had to. Not to fight even after the war was done. She nodded, glad when he said he didn’t think their parents would be disappointed in her either. She hoped he was right. He was probably also right about the next thing he said, and any comfort MJ felt was replaced by dread. “Does survive the war then run away to join the circus count as a plan?” She asked, though her joking tone fell flat. Of course it didn’t count, though truthfully it sounded ideal. The more she thought about it, the harder it was to see herself staying put in London after the war was over. Working some desk job. The problem was, Mike was right. She had to do something. MJ sighed. “I dunno when it got so hard to figure out what I want,” she confessed, feeling like an idiot. If only she was just talking about jobs. All her brothers had things figured out well enough. Gid and Fabian had their firewhiskey business. And now MJ was even farther away from having things figure out now she was quitting the one plan she’d had. 

Ever since Max had been born, Mike had taken being a big brother seriously. It was their job to make sure their younger siblings, and that had extended to the younger Prewetts too, were safe. But it was also their responsibility to make sure they knew how to have fun, how to defend themselves and others,  and all the other stuff that came with being a McKinnon. It had always been pretty easy, even with MJ being a girl and making things a little more complicated than another little brother would have been. But the Order had complicated things a lot more. Made everything harder. Harder even than MJ starting to like blokes. It was harder now to be all the things that made a McKinnon a McKinnon. Harder to be brave, good, strong, and harder to be fun even. Harder to be a good big brother. But that was the thing about being a McKinnon, you kept going even when it got hard. Mike got up and moved to sit closer to MJ. “Gonna tell ya a secret, I don’t think anyone always feels strong. That’s what we’re for, to help when you don’t.” There had been plenty of times Mike hadn’t felt strong, more lately. It was hard. So much was just terrible. At times it didn’t feel like it would stop being terrible. And worse,  there wasn’t anything they could do aside from what they were already doing to try and make it stop. Now Mike was losing the big thing that he and MJ had bonded over, which sucked. “I’ll help you tell mum and dad if you want,” he offered. Though he doubted they’d be anything but understanding. Especially since she wasn’t washing out of auror training. Quitting wasn’t great but it also wasn’t failure.

Fuck. Mike could have countered so much of what MJ said. They were right there at the tip of his tongue. He could even come up with a justification for the shit with Dawn. Tried to talk her into staying with the aurors. Got out that little pep talk he’d been working on while he waited for her to tell him why she wanted to quit. What Mike did instead was remember the conversation he’d had with his twin when they’d signed up for the Order. They’d done it without hesitation and all the bravado of eighteen year old Gryffindors. But after they’d left Dumbledore they’d had a very frank conversation with each other about what this meant. Not really for them but for their siblings, and the Prewett brothers. They’d known that the four of them would follow the twins into it. At the time they hadn’t really known what that meant. Once they did they talked more about it. But they’d realized that they couldn’t talk their siblings out of joining. All they could do was do their best to help them. Mike had shared every auror spell he’d learned with all his siblings, knowing the basic training the Order did was shit. The both of them had made a point to be around for the younger ones, especially after their first shit mission. They’d also made it a point to throw parties and encourage them to have fun. Burn shit. Play quidditch too hard. Anything to keep things from getting too dark. But they’d been over their head from the beginning. Sometimes it felt as if they were close to falling under. Like that devastating time when Matt was missing. The longer Mike was an auror the more he realized what a shit show the Order was. But it was so easy to just decide Dumbledore knew what he was doing, he’d defeated Grindlewald after all. He was more than a hero, he was a legend. And Moody was the most decorated Auror on the force. If it wasn’t for politics he probably would have been on track to be head of the department in his prime. It was hard to believe they didn’t know what they were doing. Even if it looked like that too often.

In the face of all that, and hearing the way his sister sounded, he just couldn’t make excuses or try and talk her into staying. Instead he nodded. “I get it,” he told her.  He’d wanted to war to be over before any of them had to fight. “It’s a lot. Especially once you become an auror because it’s all you do.” Which hadn’t been what he’d planned on when he’d worked towards getting into auror training. He couldn’t even tell her it’d be different after the war because frankly he didn’t know when that would be. In fact he’d almost been tempted to ask Matt to check with that seer girlfriend of his. But then he’d decided knowing might be worse. “The war kind of changed things. It’s understandable that it might change what you want to do.” Mike understood but he was also a little disappointed. He liked sharing this. Unlike the Order, Mike had never once been concerned about MJ wanted to be an auror. Never hoped she’d change her mind. It was their thing. Mike really thought MJ would make a great auror. It was a disappointment to know he wasn’t gonna get to find out. He was tempted to try and make the Dawn stuff sound less shitty, say how Moody probably thought he was doing what was good for the Order. But the fact was Mike was still pissed at Moody for letting Dung stay after what had happened to Bertie. Not only that but he’d even said they couldn’t drag Dung out back and teach him a lesson, because Mike would have. Josh’s cousin could have died, he was just a bloody kid. Mike had found Bertie and his classmates showing up for training before getting their NEWTs sick. And then that happened. Dung had left a kid in Knockturn and they were all supposed to act like nothing was wrong with that. Fucking outrageous. So even though he was concerned MJ was scared because o f what had happened to Dawn he didn’t know how to try to make her feel better without propping Moody up even a little. So instead he skipped to what else she said.  “Don’t let me hear you say you’re not strong enough again. You’re a fucking McKinnon, you’re plenty strong.”

If MJ had been surprised when Mike just asked her why she wanted to quit instead of telling her all the reasons she shouldn’t, she was even more surprised when he said he got it. In fact, she was pretty sure she must have misheard him, only the very next thing he said confirmed that she hadn’t. Maybe Mike did get it. Because that was what MJ was afraid of: if the war wasn’t over when she passed auror training -- and who was to say it would be? -- then fighting would be all she did. As it was, it was all she thought about going from the Order to auror training. Actually being an auror would be even more so. And even if the war did end before she finished auror training -- MJ didn’t want to fight anymore after that. Being an auror was different from being in the Order, MJ knew that, but there was also a lot that would be the same. 

She appreciated Mike’s addition, his understanding. He was right; the war had changed things. Only Mike was doing it, wasn’t he? He’d been in the Order since Hogwarts, done auror training the whole time, and now he was working as an auror and he was handling it. So had Penny, and a couple other aurors in the Order. As it turned out, MJ couldn’t handle even a full year of being in the Order and doing auror training. Because here she was, quitting. MJ wasn’t sure she believed Mike when he said she was plenty strong. Being a McKinnon was brilliant, but it was also a lot to live up to. She mustered up a small smile. “Thanks,” she said quietly. “But I’m not sure I feel like it lately,” she confessed, surprising herself not just for saying it out loud, but saying it to Mike, whose footsteps she’d wanted so badly to follow in. It was true, though. MJ had never had trouble keeping up with her older brothers, but lately she felt more and more like everyone was so far ahead of her. And now she was quitting auror training. That was the right choice; even Mike seemed to understand that. But now what?

Oh thank fuck, she was finally getting on with it. Mike liked talking to his sister but chatting about his and Penny’s decorating choices was bloody weird. Not to mention he was worried about whatever it was that had her coming over here in the first place. He just hoped it wouldn’t make him wish for decor talk. Mike didn’t say anything, just tried not to look amused when she over dramatically sank into a chair. Easy not to be too amused since he was still worried about her. They weren’t off to a great start. She was still procrastinating and he wasn’t sure her thinking was a good thing or not. But he nodded and waited for her to continue. When she finally came to the point Mike was so surprised he thought maybe he’d misheard her. Only he was sure he hadn’t. “You want to quit? Why?” Mike was naturally jumping to all sorts of conclusions. But he managed not to blurt any of them out and instead let MJ tell him what was going on. Auror training was hard but McKinnons were not quitters. He doubted it was because of the hard work. Something had to be up. But there were too many possibilities for what that something could be. Not to mention MJ had busted her arse to get into training and he knew well how hard she was busting it being in training. It wasn’t for everyone but MJ had what it took to succeed, he was certain of that. And this had been something she’d wanted, so quitting felt extra odd. Maybe she was just being overdramatic about something. Having trouble with a certain part. Mike thought that she was there at the flat for him to convince her not to quit, give her a little pep talk and she’d be right back in there fired up. He could do that.

Despite Max’s reassurances, MJ had expected a bad reaction from Mike. The McKinnons had a dramatic streak, and they also weren’t quitters. Except that was what MJ was now, wasn’t it? Not yet. Not officially. But after talking with Max, she’d realized that she’d known for a while now being an auror wasn’t right for her. She was surprised when Mike didn’t immediately get upset with her. Though that didn’t mean she was in the clear yet. It just meant he wanted to know why. Of course he did. This was something else she’d talked through with Max, but everything felt jumbled now she was here actually telling Mike she wanted to quit the thing that had been a shared dream of theirs for years now. MJ took a breath. “I just…” There was a lot she could say. There was a lot more paperwork than she’d expected. A lot more rules, too. She didn’t connect with the other people. She wasn’t even sure the Aurors were getting it right anymore. But what came out, unplanned, was, “I’m tried of fighting.” Her voice was quiet, slightly shaky, ashamed of the admission. McKinnons were fighters, and MJ had always done her best to prove she was the toughest of them all even though she was the only girl. But being in the Order wasn’t cool or exciting. It was hard and it was scary and it wasn’t a feeling MJ wanted to last beyond the war. 

“And I know being an Auror will be different once the war is over,” she added quickly, because that was something she’d thought about too. It was what she’d been clinging to until just recently. But now not even that felt like enough. “But I just...I looked up to Moody,” she blurted, veering further off course from what she’d practiced with Max. “A lot. I thought...I dunno, I guess I thought being an auror has too many rules, but once the Order helps win by getting around the rules maybe that can change. Only we’re not just sort of getting around the rules anymore, are we? We’re supposed to be the good guys and he erased a whole year of Dawn’s memory and lied to all her friends about it and just left her here alone?” The was the Order, not the Aurors, but Moody was so heavily involved in both. And both were doing so many things wrong, it seemed like, just in opposite directions. MJ shook her head and sighed. “I’m just tired, Mike,” she said, her voice quiet again. “I don’t want this to be my future. I’m not strong enough” 

“I thought so, saves having to find a present,” he shot back. If only that were really an option, Mike hated trying to shop, especially for others. Penny was about as hard as shopping for his mum. Harder really because they usually went in for a joint gift for their mum, there was none of that for Penny. Mike hid a grin as MJ made a show of making herself at home. Good thing Penny had left so she wasn’t around for that kick to the fridge door, he thought as he returned MJ’s cheers before taking his own drink. It wasn’t a surprise that MJ didn’t get right to it. He’d have liked if she would. Patience wasn’t really a McKinnon virtue. But he did his best when it came to the younger kids. The fact that MJ came to his flat showed she’d get to it eventually. He just had to wait it out. Mike laughed at her assessment of the place, her addition only adding to his amusement. “Penny’s a Ravenclaw, didn’t take long for her to realize that McKinnons and breakable shit don’t mix.” He didn’t mention he’d vetoed a few useless pillows. “Glad it’s not too below your standard,” he added teasingly. Even though he wasn’t entirely teasing. Maybe seeing that growing up didn’t mean turning into boring people would help MJ get over her issues with them all having girlfriends. “Penny’s idea.” Not entirely but Mike had no problem giving her full credit in the hopes of getting MJ to see she was pretty cool, even if she wasn’t a Gryffindor. “That area was sort of boring looking. Might could do something like that at the house. Your room definitely. Just gotta make sure you charm ‘em so they don’t get knocked down and broken. You know, like normal.” Anything you did’t want broken was charmed, the only way any of them managed to keep things half way decent. Something they all knew, and did.  Mike still did even though Penny hadn’t thought there was a need. But then there’d been that night they’d ended up knocking down a few pictures on the way to the bedroom and he’d been vindicated. Not a story to share with the little sister though so he took a sip of his fire whiskey and waited to see if MJ was gonna continue talking decor or get to the point. She was bound to run out of things to comment on eventually, their flat wasn’t that big.

MJ was glad she hadn’t accidentally insulted Mike, though really if all it took was a comment about low expectations for his decor than she’d have been concerned about him going even softer than she originally thought. But she was only half-listening as her brother answered her, her eyes fixed on the records. Normally it was easy to talk to Mike about things that were actually interesting, unlike home decor, but usually she wasn’t trying so hard to avoid talking about something else. Now it seemed the only thing she could think of. Which probably meant she should get on with it. MJ tapped her fingers against her firewhiskey and sighed. It would be fine. Mike would understand. That was what Max had said, anyways. MJ looked over at her older brother. “So um...I need to talk to you about something,” she said slowly, each word difficult to get out. Just sit down and be honest with him, that was what Max said. Reluctantly, and perhaps a bit overdramatically, MJ sank down onto one of the cozy-looking chairs in Mike and Penny’s living room, a little annoyed at how comfortable it was. She looked down and tapped her fingers on the side of her firewhiskey again. “I’ve been...thinking, a lot lately.” Something MJ tried to avoid, if she was being honest. At least the kind of thinking she’d been doing about life and her purpose and where she fit in with her family and maybe a certain other bloke she really needed to get over. “And um, I’m not sure if I…” she trailed off. Be firm, Max had told her. You know what you want and it’s okay to want it. MJ took a breath, steadying herself. Just look him in the eye and tell him the truth. She looked over at Mike. “I want to quit auror training,” she finally blurted out. 

Truthfully Mike had been surprised by how much he liked the flat. He’d wanted to move in with Penny a hundred percent. But their styles were so completely different he figured the flat would end up looking a lot like Penny’s old flat. His stuff regulated to boxes stuffed in the closet or something. And yes there had been some things Penny had vetoed — firewhiskey bottle caps were art! — it had ended up not looking like he didn’t live here. Turned out their styles weren’t too opposing, aside from a few obvious things. He also enjoyed the fact that it was calm. Not something Mike thought he’d want, and there were actual times he was glad he could escape to the chaos of the house. Especially when he was missing the ability to just go to the backyard and fly or burn something. But most of the time it was nice. It was home. He missed his siblings and even their silly squabbles. But he was also happy to come home, to the flat he shared with Penny. Truthfully he didn’t mind that Matt was the only one who came over. Not that the others weren’t welcome, it was just easier to go there and see them. It worked for all of them.

Which was why MJ being at the flat was weird. Mike panicked for a moment before realizing that they’d have owled or sent a patronus in an emergency. Clearly something was wrong but it wasn’t an emergency at least. While Penny handled MJ, Mike racked his brain for anything Matt might have mentioned that would make MJ come here. He came up with nothing. And it looked like Penny wasn’t gonna be any help either. Mike couldn’t blame her for bailing. MJ had been very clear that she wasn’t in the mood for any sisterly bonding even after he’d proposed to Penny. He’d made sure Penny knew MJ didn’t dislike her or anything, she just wasn’t happy about change. “Hey, MJ,” he replied back trying to sound like her showing up here wasn’t weird at all. He chuckled at her comment. “Nah, saving that for our anniversary,” he quipped back. “You want a fire whiskey or something else to drink? There’s food to if you’re hungry.” It was hard not to just ask out right why she was here. Mike didn’t want her to feel like she couldn’t just drop in for a visit. She could. But he also didn’t think that was what this was. There was a reason for the visit, he just had to let her get to it.

Visiting Mike shouldn’t feel as weird as it did. Except it was weird, wasn’t it? She’d never had to visit her brother before, unless you counted when she was still at Hogwarts and he and Matt were living in that flat they had before Fabian and Max also graduated. But that didn’t really count the same way this did. At least Penny wasn’t hanging around. MJ liked Penny fine -- maybe she even begrudgingly thought the older girl was sort of cool, at least for a Ravenclaw -- but this wasn’t really a conversation she wanted an audience for. She smirked at Mike’s retort to her comment about trashing the flat. At least getting engaged and moving out hadn’t totally ruined his sense of humor. “Sounds romantic,” she answered, not even entirely joking if she was being honest. “Yeah, I could use a firewhiskey,” she added before walking to his fridge and pulling it open, because even though Mike may have moved out, she refused to make herself anything but completely at home in his new flat. She grabbed a firewhiskey and tossed it to Mike -- he was going to need one for this conversation too, even if he didn’t know it yet -- and then helped herself to one, popping off the top as she kicked the door to the fridge shut. “Cheers,” she said before taking a large swig. Maybe she could just hang out and drink firewhiskey and she could tell him she was dropping out of auror training later. Or never. Only Mike’s flat wasn’t really a hang around and drink firewhiskey kind of place. There was nothing that looked shitty enough to set on fire. MJ glanced around trying to find some other sort of distraction she could stall with. “This place doesn’t look as bad as I thought,” was what she came up with, and she heard how it sounded a second later. “I mean I just figured it’d have a bunch of those dumb pillows that don’t serve any purpose and breakable shit,” she explained with an apologetic smile. Hopefully Mike would know what she meant. MJ had pictured something more adult, meaning boring. “This is cool,” she added, walking over to some records that were artfully displayed on the wall by their record player. 

MJ was so nervous, she hadn’t even contemplated the very obvious possibility that Penny might be home until she opened the door, looking surprised to see MJ -- which was probably fair, since MJ hadn’t been here since she and the rest of the siblings had helped Mike and Penny move in, but in her defense hanging out at their house was just always better and Mike was the one who moved out so he should be the one to come to them anyways. To her credit, Penny recovered from her surprise quickly and offered MJ a warm smile as she pulled back the door to let her in. “MJ, hi! It’s good to see you. Is everything alright?” MJ supposed she couldn’t blame Penny for the concern, but she did her best not to look as nervous and pathetic as she felt. “What, can’t a girl come visit her brother?” She asked, like it wasn’t the first time she’d shown up to do that, and stepped inside, ignoring the smile Penny bit back as she glanced at Mike and then back at MJ. “Of course she can. I was just headed out to run an errand, so you’ve got him all to yourself. Mike, love, I’ll see you in a bit.” MJ missed the wink that Penny gave to Mike before she gave MJ a squeeze on the shoulder that MJ wasn’t sure how she felt about and then left MJ standing there looking at her older brother. “Hey, Mike,” she said, trying to sound breezy and normal. “Guess you haven’t trashed the place yet,” she remarked, looking around the flat that was a lot more put together than the house the siblings shared. Weirder than that, though, was the fact that Mike definitely also lived here. MJ had always pictured the flat as some stuffy, adult flat, even though Penny had never come across as stuffy. It was nice, and it was definitely adult, but it also seemed...comfortable, with lots of personal touches like pictures of both the McKinnon family and people who had to be the Nicholsons. It was...sort of nice, with touches of both Mike and Penny, and MJ felt somehow weirder about that than if it were just some stuffy bird’s flat Mike happened to live in. He really had moved out. Moved on. Maybe telling him about the auror thing should wait.