Sirius

James was a little surprised when Padfoot seemed to even hear his advice. He’d spent so many years ignoring a lot of it, James suddenly hoped he was offering the right advice in the first place now Padfoot seemed to be taking it to heart. But what Padfoot was saying just made James feel like talking would be good for him. Even if it hurt. Talking to Moony had clearly done him a lot of good; James didn’t want it all to just stop with that. “I know,” James said. Of course he knew Sirius had a lot of shit in his head. All of it put there by his family, and James had seen the toll it took in the seven years he’d known Padfoot. “But getting the shit out of your head’s gotta be a good thing.” What came as a surprise was what Padfoot said after. That James’s voice was in there too. “It is?” The question slipped out before James could stop it, but it felt selfish. This wasn’t about him, or how much Padfoot had or hadn’t listened to him over the years even as James desperately tried to make his friend see his own worth. This was about Padfoot maybe finally taking the steps he needed to take to see it for himself. “I’m glad,” he added quietly. He smiled back at Padfoot, though he still felt guilty for being wrong about his brat of a brother after all those years. Though he hadn’t been entirely wrong, and it was gracious of Padfoot to point it out. “But he couldn’t do it,” James said quietly. “Too much like you to be able to,” he added with a slight smile. As much as James didn’t like the kid, and as much as he knew Regulus and Sirius would deny it, the brothers did have quite a bit in common. He shook his head at Padfoot’s thanks. “No thanks necessary, Padfoot. Your family is my family. Just like mine is yours,” he added, because as far as he and his parents were concerned, Padfoot had been a Potter since that first day on the train first year. 

It was almost gratifying, in a way, to see Sirius’s clear surprise when James said another nice thing about Regulus. It had been so difficult to get out it would have been sort of disappointing if it had no effect. But mostly he was just glad that Sirius seemed to actually listen to his words. As much as James wished again that they would have some magical effect and fix everything, Sirius agreeing to try felt like a good step. Just him talking about all of this was huge. “Talking about it’s a good start, I think.” James just wished he could do a lot more. He shook his head at Padfoot’s thanks, but the other finished before James could tell him no thanks was needed. He smiled. “Thanks for being my brother.” His smile faltered when Padfoot asked if he was okay; the last thing Padfoot should be doing right now was worrying about him. But a second later and James managed a small smirk. “Honestly, I may never recover,” he said before dropping the smirk and shaking his head. “No, I’m alright. I’m still not a fan of his and I think he’s a brat,” he said, because those felt like okay things to say about Padfoot’s brother, all things considered. They were definitely nicer than the little brat deserved. “But you were right not to give up on him,” he added softly, though it was hard to admit it after all those years of urging Sirius to let his idiot brother go, to write him off as a lost cause like the rest of his Death Eater relatives. It felt like he owed it to Padfoot to acknowledge he’d been right after all, even if James doubted he would ever actually like the kid. 

Maybe Prongs had a point, he usually did, that talking about it was a good start. After all it wasn’t something he normally did. “It’s not easy talking about it,” he admitted. “I have all this shit in my head.” Something he knew Prongs knew even if tonight was the first time he’d been as openly honest about it. James was smart. Even if he wasn’t it was probably hard to miss the fact that things had always been shit at Grimmauld. Sirius always had trouble sleeping but it was always worse the first few weeks after Christmas Break, took nearly a month after summer.  Because he just couldn’t be alone with his thoughts. Then there were the nightmares that started after he’d run away. “Your voice is in there too, though,” he added. Sirius wanted James to know that he had listened and it did help. It was just really hard not to listen to everything else. He smiled when Prongs thanked him. “Always.” Sirius managed a quiet chuckle at Prongs’s smirk. He nodded at the additional words Prongs had to say about Reg. “He is a brat. But you wren’t wrong, he did take the mark. Tried his damndest to be one of them.” Sirius felt guilt over that, Regulus had made his choice, what choice there was, but he still felt like he’d made the circumstances worse for Reg. “Thanks, though, for being so great about him staying here. I know that wasn’t ideal.” Especially not after he started bringing his boyfriend over. Regulus almost seemed more sullen, at least when Drew wasn’t around, after that.

James wasn’t sure if it was a good or a bad thing that Sirius was tearing up, if that was a healthy emotional release or just desperation. He took heart in the fact that Sirius seemed to have listened to what James said, even acknowledging the fact his family were liars. Of course, that didn’t mean Padfoot thought what they’d said was wrong. Thought that he was inherently bad because of who he came from. “No, there’s nothing good about your parents,” James agreed. “But that’s not because of their blood, it’s because of their choices. That’s what defines you, not your blood. And I know sometimes you felt like you didn’t have a choice,” James added softly, because Sirius had been put in too many unfair situations that ultimately made him flee the house he’d grown up in. “But that’s not true. You always had the choice to just follow along and be like them, and you chose not to. And that’s what counts, Padfoot. “And something good did come from your parents,” he added, squeezing Padfoot’s shoulder again. “You did.” James hesitated a moment, then added, “And so did your brother. Regulus.” James wasn’t sure if the kid was actually all that good as opposed to he’d just seen how incredibly stupid it was to be on Voldemort’s side. He definitely wasn’t a fan of the brat, still giving Sirius problems despite everything Padfoot had done for him – before and after he left the Death Eaters – and the unwavering faith he’d had in the kid over the years. But there was obviously something redeemable about him if Padfoot hadn’t been able to let go of him for so many years. Because Padfoot loved deeply, but he didn’t love blindly. He’d been right about Regulus, after all. He’d never fully stopped believing in Moony in spite of all Peter’s lies. And he’d cut Peter out once they found out the truth. So if Padfoot couldn’t accept for his own sake that his parents could make a kid who wasn’t horrible, maybe he would be able to accept it for Regulus’s sake. “He came from the exact same place, the exact same people you did,” James said softly. “And I know you don’t believe there’s nothing good in him. So quit believing it about yourself,” he said with a small smile, giving Padfoot’s shoulder a gentle push but not moving his hand away. 

James was, as always, being rational. While Sirius felt very undone at the seems even worse than usual. He knew blood didn’t matter. It hadn’t mattered that Remus had werewolf in him. It never mattered to him if someone was pure, half, or muggle born. Because it was dumb to think blood mattered. Right up to the point that he thought it mattered with his own blood. His family felt like poison. To the point that sometimes he was almost surprised to see blood coming from a cut and not some foul smelling poison like his grandparents had in the basement. Maybe thinking that had just made it easier to believe there was something wrong with all of them, himself included. Despite knowing corny could be James’s middle name  he wasn’t prepared for the corniness of the remark about him being the something good that came from his parents. It was a testament to how heavy the night was that he didn’t roll his eyes, or make some other kind of reaction to those words. Instead the reaction came next, a raised eyebrow when Prongs mentioned Regulus. Maybe he’d died. Or hit his head. Because there was no way James Potter was saying anything good about Regulus. Only this wasn’t the first time tonight he had. It was just coming right after the part about how he could have followed along,  something Regulus had been bullied into, made the comment seem even more out of character for Prongs. It was true. Reg was a brat. He’d let himself get lost in being the good son until he was almost lost completely. That didn’t mean there was nothing good in him. But he didn’t think Prongs agreed on that one. Regulus was too much of a stubborn arse for Sirius to claim he’d taken all the bad before Reg came along. Or him and this Nik bloke, he guessed. Not being the oldest Black brother was another hit to his already fragile sense of self. Right now Sirius didn’t think he had the energy to bring up another problem. Instead he sighed before answering. “I’m gonna try. It’s just… It’s hard to even know where to start.” They’d already said that but it was still true.  “Thanks mate, for…” There was so much to thank James for it seemed impossible to put it all into words. “For being my brother,”  he settled on. James and Moony were a whole lot better than his family. More his family than those of blood relations. Maybe it was time he stopped thinking in terms of them having no say in that and instead remembered that they actually picked him too. Mutual instead of one side being unfairly burdened. Even if it did still feel a little like James was very much burdened. It was hard to let that all go in one night. “Are you alright, Prongs? After all that nice shit you said about Reg.” The words weren’t up to his usual sarcasm standard but he felt like that couldn’t go by without acknowledging it. After all the heaviness doing it this way felt easier.

James tried not to feel too disappointed when his words didn’t automatically make Padfoot feel better about everything; they’d never been capable of that before, so there was no reason now should be any different. Except it felt a little different. Like maybe Padfoot was listening more. Wanting to hear them. Or maybe James was just being optimistic about that part. What was definitely different, though, was that Padfoot was voicing the doubts he felt instead of hiding them away and running from them. It made James’s heart ache to hear that after so many years Sirius still felt that, still worried that somehow he might turn into someone awful like his parents or cousins. As if that was possible. James’s brows knit together when Sirius added on the accusations from his dad and his cousins. He wondered if those came from that night Sirius showed up on his doorstep or if they’d been said before that. Sirius didn’t often share the things his family said to him, but it was clear they stuck with him in a way that made James want to go fight the entire Black family. Padfoot was the best of all of them, and instead of accepting him they’d tortured him instead, made him think there was something wrong with him when they were ones who were worthless. 

“That’s not how it works, Padfoot,” James said softly, giving his shoulder another squeeze. James wasn’t really sure anything he said would help. But he had to try, because words were all he had to fight against all the damage Sirius’s family had done. Maybe something would stick. “Your parents and your cousins – they’re liars.” This time James didn’t think he needed to specify that Andie was not included in that group. “They’re liars who get off on hurting people, and they’re good at it. They didn’t say those things because they’re true, they said them because they know that’s what you’re afraid of. And that’s what makes you so different from them, Padfoot. They wouldn’t be sitting here worrying about whether they were like that. And that’s why you’re not going to end up like them.” Of that James was certain, and it showed in his voice, firm and steady. “And you’ve never been just anger,” he felt compelled to add. “Even if that’s what’s felt the loudest, that’s not all that’s there. I see what else is there every day. Love, Padfoot,” he said earnestly. “That’s another thing you’ve got that they don’t have. That’s something they couldn’t take away, ‘cause you’ve got so much of it.” There was no one who cared as passionately and deeply about the people he loved than Padfoot. Even that stupid brat of a brother, Padfoot hadn’t been able to stop loving because he’d seen something redeemable in him, and he’d been right, even if James still didn’t care for the kid. 

Sirius wanted to believe James that it wasn’t how it works, but it was hard. Not because he thought Prongs would say something he didn’t believe. But because Prongs had a really good life, would he know how it worked? Was James Potter’s will enough to make it work the way he wanted things to? Sometimes Sirius thought it was. It was easy to believe Prongs could change the way things worked by just his will. Somehow a little bit of worry always stayed despite is faith in James. Too many years of living in Grimmauld. It was a lot easier to believe what else Prongs said. His family were liars. But he’d always included himself in that. He’d lied plenty too. And he hadn’t exactly not enjoyed making Snape and the other mini Death Eater’s lives miserable. Despite that he knew that Prongs kept making sense. Bella and Cissy especially had a way of knowing where to hit the hardest,  even if their deliveries were vastly different. He always knew they would never worry about being good or not. If they were it was in the opposite direction, worrying they hadn’t been nasty enough. Prongs’ firm and steady voice helped him hold onto that. But as upset as he was, as heavy as all of this way, he very nearly rolled his eyes at what James had to add.  

He didn’t. Instead he did what he usually didn’t and listened. Moony had said something similar earlier about him not being only anger, what else he was. Of course Moony hadn’t gone the pure sap route, but wasn’t that one of the things they loved about James Potter? That little voice that always chided him wasn’t silent now. Was it love or was it fear of being alone and abandoned? Fear of not being loved in return? He worried his bottom lip as he contemplated what to say. There was so much, both positive and negative he could say. Sirius became aware that his eyes were damp and rubbed a hand over his face, bloody feelings. “I know they’re liars,” he started softly, looking at the table. But did that make them wrong? Sirius didn’t voice that part. “Can anything good really come out of two vile people?”  It was hard to believe he had any good in him, that anything resembling good wasn’t just him mirroring what he saw in Prongs and Moony. He forced himself to look over at James. “They’re both Blacks, it’s not like with Andie where maybe she got it from someone else. My parents were first cousins. There’s nothing good in them.” He knew it was a flimsy argument. Andie’s parents were related too. All the purebloods had very few branches on their trees. But it still felt impossible that anything good could really come out of Grimmauld. It was a fear he’d kept close, always there whenever he tried to show love. Had he even known what love was growing up? It was easy to remember the bad stuff, harder to remember the good. Like Andie sneaking him dessert when he was in trouble. Or Andie cleaning up his cuts and telling him it was okay to cry, just not to let the others see. The way she’d squeeze his hand under the table when he was little and someone was yelling at him. How she’d defend him against Bella. He’d tried to be like Andie for Regulus. Only a different way. Getting into trouble when someone was picking on Regulus so the attention would be on him. Taking the blame for accidents even when it wasn’t him. Fighting with Bella so she wouldn’t pick on Regulus. Pulling Cissy’s hair when she was complaining about Regulus’s being a mess. He’d done the other stuff too but it had felt like he was better suited at the non-Andie things. All of it just felt like bullshit they shouldn’t have had to deal with instead of love.

Tonight had been harder on Padfoot and Moony than it was on James, who’d mostly just sat by quietly while his mates wrestled with very similar demons together. He was glad they had each other, glad they’d found a way to relate and seemingly put all that stuff from fifth year behind them. It made him feel hopeful; not only had they talked so openly with each other and resolved to try to change their more destructive habits, but they’d also made the choice to confide in James after the fact, to rehash that difficult conversation so James would be included in it. That meant more than James felt he could express, especially when he felt like he had so little to offer them. So he didn’t push when Sirius spoke as if to say something else and then trailed off. A lot of progress had been made; maybe whatever Padfoot wanted to say, he’d be able to say it to Moony. James gave his mate a small smile at Padfoot’s addition that they couldn’t have done it without him. He wasn’t so sure that was true, but he appreciated the sentiment. Maybe it was enough that he’d helped give Padfoot and Moony a space where they could be open with each other, even if he couldn’t fix everything for them. Maybe. James reached over and clasped a hand on Padfoot’s shoulder. “Well, I’m not going anywhere,” he said. He was surprised when Padfoot seemed to come back to what he’d started to say before. He squeezed his mate’s shoulder as Padfoot struggled with his words, understanding and concern working their way across his features as Padfoot spoke. 

“You’re not gonna let us down, Padfoot,” James said first, because that felt the most important. “The only way you can do that is if you just stop trying,” he added, hopeful that the words wouldn’t make him worry about that but instead show him that all that mattered was he was trying, no matter how long it took him to get where he wanted to be, no matter how many setbacks there might be along the way. “Maybe it’s time to stop worrying whether or not you’re acting like a Black,” he added gently, going back to the fear Sirius had voiced. “You’ve already proven you’re not like them in all the important ways. That’s not a switch that’s just gonna flip if you stop trying to be different from your family in every way imaginable.” That seemed to be what Sirius was afraid of. “Your family….and all the people on the other side – they’re people. Like it or not, we’re all gonna have things in common with them. What sets us apart in the ways that matter is our choices. Whatever feeling it was that told you your family was wrong, that made you protect Regulus, that made you sit with me on the train the first day of Hogwarts instead of all your cousins – it doesn’t matter if that was rebellion or what. It was you. Your choices, your courage, your desire to think for yourself instead of doing what your parents said because even that young, you knew what they wanted was fucked up. That’s what separates you and Andie and Regulus from the Blacks who didn’t leave.” James chose his words carefully there. He still thought Sirius was way better than Regulus, but Andie wasn’t half bad and he didn’t think painting Regulus as worse was going to help Sirius with this family-related identity crisis. Maybe acknowledging there were two other people in his family who weren’t horrible would help him with that.

Sirius wanted to feel reassured by Prongs’ words. Except, as Moony had pointed out earlier, it wasn’t gonna be the same after the war. Both Moony and Prongs were gong to leave him. It was another fear of Sirius’s. All alone with only the worst parts of himself, because Prongs and Moony felt like the best parts. It was difficult not to let his mind go back to some of the awful things his family had snarled at him when he thought about being alone. Prongs’ hand on his shoulder helped him keep going instead of getting drowned in his own thoughts and memories. Maybe made it a little too easy since he found himself confessing his fears once again tonight. He loved James, not only for what he was saying, but because Sirius knew Prongs believed it. He’d spent the first half of his life with people who inventoried every mistake, big or small. All for the purpose of holding them against you at every opportunity. Not James Potter. Despite the mental gymnastics Sirius was capable of when it came to thinking people were going to abandon him, he knew that. James wasn’t the opposite either. As much as Sirius sometimes wanted to act like Prongs just held on to his broken things out of sentimentality he knew.  James was perfectly able and willing to dismiss a person as being a lost cause, not worth his time.  He’d known that before Peter. It was what had made Pete’s betrayal so shocking. Sirius could see betraying him, or Moony, but Peter had betrayed James Potter. Unthinkable. But somehow Prongs, despite Sirius giving him multiple opportunities to decide otherwise, still thought he was worth it. That he wouldn’t let them down. The only standard Sirius desperately wanted to live up too. He wanted to be the person Prongs thought he was. Sirius just didn’t know how, or if it was even possible. While Prongs telling him he wasn’t going anywhere hadn’t been the reassurance James likely thought it was, Prongs continued belief in him was. It still didn’t feel deserved but he didn’t want to lose it.

A lot of what he was saying about the fear Sirius had voiced felt a lot like the sort of stuff Andie said when she’d told him to forgive himself for being a Black. A phrase that still felt weird, impossible, and like some Hufflepuff nonsense she’d picked up from that husband of hers. Even Prongs sort of being on board didn’t stop it from feeling like any of it. As hard as it was he listened to Prongs. Even when his mind supplied counter arguments. Had he protected Regulus? The scar on his arm said otherwise. Truthfully Sirius wasn’t even sure that he’d known that his family was wrong. Just that he didn’t like them, was that the same? Not sitting with his cousins had been an easy choice. He hated Bella and Cissy. Hated the people they associated with, the Lestranges, Malfoy, all the other losers in green ties. He still wasn’t sure what had made him sit beside James Potter that day. He’d passed plenty of empty seats, even some whole compartments that hadn’t been taken yet. Just like he didn’t understand what made James take one look at a surly, unwanted kid and decide they should be mates. It was a surprise when James mentioned Regulus. That he managed to lump Regulus in with Sirius and Andie without any problem. Sirius had always wanted Reg and James to get along. But truthfully when things started going from bad to worse with him and Regulus, he didn’t mind James being anti-Regulus. Liked someone being that fiercely on his side just as much as it annoyed him that Regulus was anti-James. Sure it made him feel guilty whenever he tried with Regulus, worried he was betraying James. But James’s fierce loyalty helped ease the sting of Regulus’s continued rejection. He sighed, tugging roughly on his hair. It was all so complicated and confusing. “What if there is a switch,” he asked, not able to let that fear go.  “What if my dad was right and I’m like Walburga? What if I’m not just anger but the rest of what I am is worse? Bella said all I was rebelling against was my nature.”It was like a constant battle in his head, Prongs voice verses all the Blacks. He looked at James in despair. Sirius didn’t like talking about the things his family had said that still haunted him. Hadn’t even told James everything that had gone down the night he’d showed up soaked and scared at the Potters’s door. Rationally he knew that it wouldn’t change Prongs’ opinion of him but he couldn’t help worrying it would. He still remembered the first howler he’d gotten the horrified expressions of his dormmates as his mother’s vile voice shouted terrible things at him. The shame of it. Sirius had been expecting it but it was clear that no one else in that room had a mother who would say such things. He’d tried his best after that to hide the worst of it, random things spilling out here or there in vulnerable times. The rest locked up in his head. This was where he’d usually  run away, if not physically than mentally. Do something, anything, to try and distract from the garbage his family spewed at him. It seldom worked with Prongs but that didn’t stop him from trying. Despite it being hard not to do just that he didn’t. Seemed like tonight he was facing the truth, first with Moony in the backyard and now with Prongs in the kitchen. It sucked.

As burned out as MJ was feeling from doing both auror training and the Order at the same time, she could only imagine how much worse it was doing just the Order. Maybe six months ago it would have sounded better; all fighting and no rules. Now she didn’t know which group did it better. It sort of felt like they both had it wrong. Six months ago she’d probably also have felt like a coward for wanting to find a new job just so she didn’t have to do more for the Order than she was already doing. Now she was just trying to survive. She wondered if Sirius felt the same. At least he seemed to understand why she didn’t want to be a full-time Order member. Though apparently that was because he thought she was better-suited to working as a bloody maid. Her brows pulled together as she tried to make sense of what he was saying. She wasn’t sure if she was pleased that he apparently hadn’t been implying she’d be a bad shop girl or not; she wasn’t really sure if being a good or a bad shopgirl was any kind of compliment or insult. Being better-suited for being a maid over a shopgirl felt like an insult though. Only apparently Sirius was talking about being nosy and spying on people. Okay. MJ quirked an eyebrow, her lips twitching in a slight smirk. “Okay, fine, maybe snooping around peoples’ rooms sounds kinda fun. But not worth also having to clean up after them. Especially after the people who have people sneaking in and out.” MJ wrinkled her nose; she definitely did not want to be the person responsible for changing the sheets or bringing in fresh towels. Ew. “Maybe behind the bar is the place to be. You can still see who’s coming and going, and then you just befriend the maids and get all the dirt that way. Plus you could drink on the job….” Maybe there was actually something there. Hm.

Sirius didn’t stop himself from chuckling at MJ’s words. “What’s the matter, McKinnon, afraid of a little bodily fluids,”  he asked with a smirk.

“Yeah….that’s also part of why I need to find something else,” MJ surprised herself by admitting that out loud, but Sirius had surprised her by implying that he wasn’t loving not having a job and just being part of the Order. Of course he wasn’t. No one in the Order actually liked being in the Order, did they? It used to feel like at least they were doing something good, something Important. Maybe they still were. But that felt a lot more complicated now than it used to. As did everything. Even just finding something to fill the hours of the day was more complicated. Though maybe Sirius had a point about working someplace she could get away with punching. She smirked at the comment. There were plenty of kids who deserved to be punched just as much as annoying drunks, if you asked her, but one of the two was far more socially accepted. Though that was forgotten at the next thing he said. MJ frowned. Maybe Black was onto something about finding a job where she could at least get some interesting gossip on people, but – “So you don’t think I’d be a good shop girl or a good waitress, but you think I should be a maid?” She asked, not sure whether she should be insulted or just laugh in his face at how absurd the suggestion was. Not that MJ had anything against people who worked as maids, but she sure didn’t want to spend her time not with the Order cleaning up after strangers and  – was that really the first job he could think of that supposedly suited her? What a git. 

Couldn’t fault her for that one. Sirius nodded. That might have been why he’d had that brief thought about being a healer. But that was more likely because he had no idea who he fucking was or how to even go about knowing and just wanted something to distract him from that. Peakes proved that being a healer was certainly not a personality. Not that he thought any job would actually help him figure out who he was. But knowing more healing spells would help his fear of something happening to one of the blokes and him not being able to help them. Maybe. He was just glad he wasn’t the one having to find a job. Especially now that he was apparently no longer running from the fear that angry Black family fuck up was all he really was.  As desperate as he was not to think about that you’d think he’d pay more attention to what he was saying. You’d be wrong. Instead he was  surprised she’d taken it completely wrong. “I never said  you wouldn’t be good at either of those. What the fuck do I know what makes a good shop girl?” Not to mention how hard could either shop girl or waitress be?  Surprisingly he didn’t mention that. “All I said was if you’e going for a job at the Leaky being a maid might be more interesting. Seeing as how they’re the ones who probably know who’s sneaking in and out of rooms. Also got access to rooms. I’d be nosey as fuck and poke around if it was me,” he added with a shrug. He’d said as much to the American when they’d leant him the books, because he was sure someone was poking around the bloke’s room. “Just saying a job with something interesting might less.”

MJ wasn’t totally convinced by Sirius’s explanation of what the man was, but it sounded close enough to the way her cousins used it that she just shrugged. “I guess so.” The rules and rigidity and refusal to make necessary changes – which was why the Order existed – were all things MJ hadn’t liked about auror training. But she wasn’t totally convinced she wasn’t still stuck in a different version of that with the Order, playing by Moody and Dumbledore’s invisible rules with the threat of having her head fucked up if she didn’t fall in line. In some ways it felt worse than the Ministry. Or like a different version of the same thing. So did getting a random job so she could make money until she figured out what to do with her life, because that was what she was supposed to do and as much as she hated that fact, there wasn’t a whole lot she could do about it either. Her brothers would probably give her a pass on rent for the house for a bit, but she didn’t want to put them in that position. Though it was too soon to tell if dealing with telling people she worked at a shop (if one would even hire her) was any better than telling them she was doing nothing. Maybe ‘fuck off and mind your own business’ was the better choice. It definitely was when it came to Sirius, but clearly MJ was not good at making the better choice when it came to him. Which was why a plan she’d been feeling pretty okay about in the grand scheme of things was suddenly feeling a lot worse, all thanks to Black and his stupid opinions that she was not supposed to care about. Only, as usual, his opinions were too closely aligned to her own for her to blame the feeling entirely on him. He was just pointing out what she’d tried not to dwell on. The git. She rolled her eyes. “It’s not like this was my first choice but there aren’t exactly a lot of options right now.” At least she hadn’t gone to the beauty potion shop yet. Definitely not worth it. She frowned when he mentioned the Leaky. MJ wasn’t really sure she was cut out for waitressing; too much smiling and shit, but then again that was part of the job at a shop too. But the Leaky definitely sounded like a better place to be stuck at every day. “Is it?” she couldn’t help asking, even though this was really not something she needed to be talking about with Sirius of all people. “It all sounds boring as shit,” she added. “But it’s better than being in auror training all day and then…” She trailed off, because the Order wasn’t something that could be discussed here. And also not something she needed to be talking about with Sirius either. It wasn’t any of his business. And MJ didn’t care what he thought. Right. 

While Sirius made a  point not to even touch a Prophet unless it was wrapped around some fish and chips he wasn’t surprised to hear that there wasn’t a lot of hiring opportunities. Diagon looked like a ghost alley for the most part. The last time he’d been in Knockturn it had even managed to look worse than usual. Things were definitely going to shit. The Order really seemed to be doing a fat lot of nothing, aside from apparently fucking with Americans heads and dumping them on the streets of London. Hopefully Remus’s American wouldn’t be next. He didn’t really know what to say to MJ’s comment, it was just surprising she was even having a conversation with him. Her question mirrored his thoughts a little too well. Everything seemed boring as shit these days. He nodded at her trailed off sentence. “Wouldn’t recommend just doing it,” he replied meaning the Order but not giving any hint to what he was talking about. Sirius didn’t know if having a job and being in the Order sucked balls because he didn’t have a job. But he did know that doing nothing but the Order sucked. While it was not all that he and the blokes did it felt like it a lot of days. Not having responsibilities, as Moody put it, apparently meant they were great options for all the things they didn’t have anyone else for.  Long missions. Undercover shit like they had Moony doing. Last minute owls because they needed an extra and it wasn’t like he or Prongs had a life,  apparently. Not to mention missions during shit hours that Sirius would very much rather be using to sleep. This was not just a topic they couldn’t talk about here but one he didn’t feel like talking about at all. Only the Order could make talking about jobs somehow better. “Dealing with drunks would probably be a lot like dealing with brats over sugar. More acceptable to punch the drunks I guess.” People would probably get pretty shitty if you started punching little kids, even if some of them probably deserved it. He certainly could think of a few blokes who probably deserved a good punch even as kids. “If you were going for the Leaky though might be more interesting to be a maid. You know they have the goods on all the guests.” Made him wonder what they thought of Remus and his American instead of realizing that he’d just suggested MJ become a maid. Someone once said it was like Sirius wanted to get punched, this conversation was leaning towards proving them right.

Did Sirius actually sound impressed that MJ quit auror training, or was he just surprised? MJ was inclined to think it was just surprise; nothing felt impressive about quitting something she’d been dreaming of for years, even if that dream had been killed off by the Order now. Or maybe he was a little impressed that she wasn’t working for – “The man?” She asked with a quirked eyebrow and a wry grin. That sounded like something one of her muggle cousins would say, but maybe he sort of had a point, and it sort of had a bit to do with why she’d quit. It had been stifling in a way she hadn’t been expecting. But her amusement vanished at the next thing he said, already insulting the new job she couldn’t even get. “No?” She asked, irritation creeping into her voice. Who asked him what he thought she was supposed to be? And why couldn’t he just tell her the bloody answer if he knew, instead of being a jerk about the fact she needed to make a living somehow? She crossed her arms. “Well neither did I, but I’ve got to make money somehow while I figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do with my life, haven’t I? But if you have a better idea I’m all ears.” Her tone was sarcastic but truthfully MJ wondered what he did see her doing, if not working as a shop girl.

“I’m glad,” MJ said, genuine despite the weirdness of the conversation. MJ was positive she’d never heard Sirius use the word ‘good’ to describe anyone in his family before. Maybe that was how he felt about his little brother now the kid had joined the Order, but that had happened after things got complicated between her and Sirius. Even before then, he’d never mentioned his family. For reasons MJ always figured were obvious given his last name and the fact she was pretty sure he’d moved in with the Potters after fifth year. She wondered if this cousin had made a break for it with Sirius’s little brother, or if she’d always been a presence, just not someone he’d ever mentioned to MJ. And why would he have? They’d talked plenty, enough that MJ had felt like he actually got her – her sense of adventure, her thirst for freedom from what felt like monotony of adulthood that was waiting for her – but there was a lot they didn’t talk about. Keeping things casual, and she’d liked that until she realized her feelings had gotten deeper without her noticing. Maybe that’s why it was so hard to shake them, because she hadn’t seen them coming. And now here they were making small talk that actually wasn’t quite so small and if the way Sirius lifted his eyebrows was any indication it wasn’t small to him either. Or maybe it was. Apparently she hadn’t been clear enough. “It is,” MJ said lightly. She could just leave it there. Maybe she should. Once, what felt like a long time ago on the side of a cliff in Ireland, she’d actually confided in him that she felt stuck, what with the Order and Auror training. It hadn’t been as bad then; she’d have balked at the thought of quitting. But then there’d been that time more recently, where she’d owled him by mistake and let things go on too long and confided in him again. Like an idiot. Maybe that was why, like an idiot, she added on, “That’s why I need a new one. I quit.” Nothing unclear about that.

Part of MJ was hoping Sirius did buy the wine for a date. It was hard to picture SIrius buying wine for a date, but it was also just hard to picture Sirius buying wine for anything. He was more of a hard liquor or firewhiskey type of bloke, at least in MJ’s opinion. But what did she know really? Maybe he’d found some bird he actually wanted to be with and she liked wine. Or it was for a family dinner. MJ wished she didn’t feel sort of relieved to hear it wasn’t for a date, but it was easy to ignore that feeling when surprise overtook it. She lifted her eyebrows. Family dinner? Her first thought was he meant the Potters, and she was even more surprised when he explained it was actually a Black Family dinner with a cousin. Huh. MJ wondered if his little brother who kept popping up at headquarters was part of that family dinner too. It was a strange scene to picture, but sort of a nice one too. Her lips twitched in amusement at Sirius’s description of his cousin, though she was surprised he was saying so much to her about a family member. Who was married to a Hufflepuff. Huh. “Sounds like my kind of whack job,” she said with a slight smirk after his comment about being turned into fertilizer. 

But as interesting – and confusing – as it had been to hear about Sirius’s family dinner, MJ wished she hadn’t asked when he asked her about what she was up to. She should have just left. She could still just leave. Or lie and say they were out of her sweets and then leave. Or just tell him it was none of his business, because it wasn’t; he’d made that clear, hadn’t he? But everyone was going to find out about her quitting auror training eventually. She sighed. “Nope. I un…wasn’t shopping for sweets.” She could leave it at that. Maybe she should. Black was the last person she needed to be talking to about any of this. “I’m actually looking for a job,” she added anyways. Maybe she just wanted to see how he reacted. Maybe a larger part of her than she cared to admit actually cared how he reacted. Which was all the more reason she should have just walked away, but MJ never was good at listening to her head over her heart.

Turning in her resignation from auror training to the head auror had been hard. It was a huge relief to know the only fighting she had to do now was for the Order – as if that wasn’t awful enough on its own – but that didn’t make it easier to give up on a dream she’d held all through Hogwarts. The war had taken a lot already; her dream felt like a relatively insignificant addition to the list in the grand scheme of things. But it wasn’t just that her dream was gone. What if she never figured out a plan B? A real plan B? She’d really been hoping to have at least a temporary job lined up to fill however long it took her to figure out what her Plan B was before telling her parents she was quitting. But family dinner was just a few days away and it seemed like nowhere was hiring. Which of course they weren’t, because there was a bloody war that was just seeping its way into every single part of her life; first her dream was gone, and now even her backup plan was fizzling out of existence. She was feeling discouraged as she walked out the sweets shop – also not hiring. At this rate she was going to have to resort to the beauty potion shop. Which also probably wasn’t hiring. MJ was debating whether it was worth even going across the street to find out when noticed a familiar figure approaching. Looking right at her, which meant she couldn’t pretend she hadn’t seen him. Even worse was that her heart stopped for a second at the sight of him. Bloody hell, she needed to get over him. MJ had way bigger problems to deal with than her stupid feelings for a bloke that clearly wasn’t interested. Only it wasn’t entirely clear he wasn’t interested, which was part of the problem. What a git. A git who wasn’t just avoiding her like at Headquarters or finding some reason to be pissed at her but instead – saying hi? Oh. Okay. “Hey, Black,” she returned the greeting, expecting him to keep on walking to wherever he needed to be. Instead he was actually talking to her. About Dawn? MJ fixed him with an odd look. That was really what he wanted to say to her? And in the middle of a public place for that matter? “Uh…. Yeah, I’d say crazy is putting it lightly,” she answered, confused about what was happening. What happened to Dawn was something scary, upsetting and she wondered how Sirius felt about it. But it wasn’t something they could really get into here. And it was too personal to get into anyways; that was a boundary he’d drawn, wasn’t it? Her eyes flickered to his shopping bag, clearly holding a bottle of wine, and she quirked an eyebrow. “Hot date?”

Wow, MJ didn’t deck him or knee him. Unexpected. “Right there,” he replied. Maybe he should have picked a topic that could actually be talked about. But again he hadn’t expected her to actually to talk to him. He was surprised by her question, especially because he didn’t think buying wine for a date was really him. That felt more like someone like Prongs would buy. He did his best to ignore the obvious question, was she dating. “No, family dinner.” Saying it was for a date might have sounded less weird coming from him admittedly. Family dinners were not his scene, not even at Andie’s. “Believe it or not I’ve got a cousin that’s not a complete whack job. Of course she did tell me if I picked her flowers one more time I’d be fertilizer for them and despite marrying a Hufflepuff, she’d do it. So definitely still some whack job in her.”

The invitation surprised him. Not that he was invited, but that Padfoot was making a point of reminding him he was invited. Remus always felt like an intrusion, even though his mates were never an intrusion those summers they’d come over to his parents’ house. “I don’t care which of them cooks, it’s still better than when any of us tries. Especially Prongs,” he added with a grin, not because Prongs was particularly worse than either of them but because Prongs wasn’t there right now and that was just fair game. Maybe Remus would take Padfoot up on the invitation. Maybe. His smile twisted slightly when Padfoot said he’d said the same thing about forgiving himself. Of course he had. He just nodded his understanding at what Padfoot said about talking to his cousin. Telling Prongs was one thing, telling anyone else had to be harder. Even Padfoot’s cousin who could probably understand Padfoot’s situation. It didn’t escape Remus’s notice, though, that Padfoot hadn’t said no. Remus didn’t push it. Instead he followed Padfoot’s cue and ran a hand over his face again, as if it would hide the fact they’d been out here crying. “Fuck off,” Remus reached over and gave Padfoot a friendly shove at that comment about Aaaron. Though maybe Padfoot had a point. Not what Remus should be thinking about though. That was not a constructive solution to anything. Right. Remus slowly got to his feet, waiting until Padfoot did the same to pull his mate into a hug. “Thanks, mate.”

Remus managed a slight smile at Padfoot’s more accurate description of what Prongs was likely up to. He was probably right on both counts: Prongs was keeping Aaron company, and Aaron was probably still there. Still there and feeling like shit, most likely, and that was Remus’s fault. Fuck, how was he supposed to try to be nicer to himself when it was so easy to point to all the ways he was not all the nice things his mates seemed to think? Annoying was an understatement. Only there was also comfort in knowing he wasn’t alone in this. Not just with Padfoot, but with Prongs too. He was always good with plans, after all. 

It was a surprise when Padfoot mentioned his cousin, too. Was he going to tell her about this? Even more surprising was that it sounded like maybe they’d already discussed it. Probably not as openly, not like this. But she clearly knew what Padfoot was dealing with. Forgive yourself. He glanced over at Padfoot when he suggested maybe Remus could try that too. It sounded so simple. It also sounded impossible. But another small smile pulled at his lips when Padfoot kept talking. “I like them,” he said softly. Remus hadn’t spent a ton of time with Padfoot’s cousin or her husband, but they’d been kind whenever they came over. Ted reminded him a little of Aaron with how easily he smiled. Andie barely seemed like a Black sometimes, though she clearly was one. “Forgive ourselves for shit we had no say in,” he mused. “Why is that so much harder than it sounds?” It would have been funny if it weren’t so damn true. Remus sighed. “Maybe Andie can tell us how she did it.” As if either of them would have that conversation with her. Remus shivered slightly; it was getting colder now the sun was down. “I still don’t know what I’m gonna say to Aaron,” he said quietly. “But I think I’m ready to go back in now. If you are.”

Sirius smiled despite himself when Remus said he liked them. “They like you too. You should come over more, Andie would be thrilled to have you and Prongs over for Sunday dinner more. She’s even managed to not be such a bad cook, but Tonks does most of the cooking,” he added as an assurance even though he knew Andie’s struggle with housekeeping skills was not what kept Moony away. He chuckled wryly at Moony’s comment about the forgive themselves thing. “That’s what I said,” he added. He’d said it a lot nastier and Andie had been a little rougher cleaning up a cut in return, or at least he assumed it was in retaliation. But it did seem as Moony pointed out harder than it sounds. “Fuck if I know,” he sighed. Sirius looked over at Moony when he mentioned asking Andie. “That’d be more awkward than telling Prongs.” It wasn’t a no, if it could help having that talk with Andie might not be bad. Rather it was a confession that it was easier to talk about heavy shit like this with Moony and Prongs than with his cousin. She tried, a little too much sometimes like when she got Ted to tell him about the birds and bloody bees. But it was just easier, which wasn’t saying much before tonight, to talk to the blokes. He gave Moony a sympathetic look after his comment about Aaron. “Alright,” he agreed to going back in, scrubbing his face one last time as if Prongs wouldn’t know. Hopefully the American wouldn’t catch on. “ ‘Fraid you’re on your own with your American. Maybe just give him a carrot and he’ll be happy.” Sirius smirked over at Moony as he said the innuendo.

Remus was surprised when Padfoot had even more to say about the lack of adult supervision at Hogwarts. He was even more surprised to realize maybe there as some truth to it. Being dumped in a shack alone had felt like a gift at the time. An opportunity to go to school and be normal except for once a month at the full moon. And alone was the only way to do it, really. Even at home his parents couldn’t stay with him, though they’d always stuck nearby while he was transforming. And they’d always been there as soon as it was over and Remus came back to his senses. At Hogwarts he’d wake up in the shack alone and have to make his way back to the castle. To avoid suspicion, he’d been told. He’d never questioned it; Remus had been too grateful just to be at school. “Maybe he just had bigger problems to deal with,” he offered, though it was clear in his voice he wasn’t entirely convinced. But this was a big new think to thing about. It would take some time for Remus to decide exactly how he felt about that.

And there were a lot of other new feelings to sort through. Or old feelings finally voiced out loud, maybe. Old feelings that were finally understood by someone other than himself. He wasn’t sure how he expected Padfoot to respond to his proposition. But he was pretty sure trying wasn’t something he could do on his own. It was a relief and also a little bit scary when Padfoot agreed. It meant there was hope – but it also meant both of them having to face their deepest fears. It meant the possibility of finding out they’d been right all along. But it also meant the possibility of finding out they’d been wrong. Which was sort of scary in a lot of different ways Remus wasn’t ready to deal with either. 

He let out a soft noise that was almost a laugh at Padfoot’s comment about them being the fucked up uncles. “Sounds about right,” he agreed softly, his voice still heavy with all the emotion. Just seeing it reflected back on Padfoot’s face had Remus feeling it even more. Padfoot never cried. And neither did Remus, really. But here they both were. Remus wiped at his eyes with his sleeve. “Watching from the window, probably,” Remus answered with a glance in that direction, though it was too dark to see now. He wondered if Aaron was still there. “He’ll definitely have a plan,” Remus added, because there was no ‘if’ about telling Prongs what they’d spoken about out here. “And I’m sure whatever it is will be annoying as fuck,” he added, an attempt at lightening the mood though it was also true. Trying was not going to be something easy or fun. But it maybe felt worth it.

The fact that Moony of all people seemed to be leaning towards what he was implying about Dumbledore made him feel better. But he didn’t lean into it any more. Instead he just made a noise in reply to let Moony know he didn’t believe that was a good excuse. This was a conversation they might pick up on another night. Tonight they had too much other things happening to really suss out how either felt about Dumbledore. Or what it all meant. Something to deal with later. Sirius was already overwhelmed by what they we’re dealing with now.

It looked like they were actually gonna do this. Sirius didn’t know what that meant. Or how they’d manage it. But it felt more doable with someone. Especially with one of his brothers. Sirius wasn’t sure he’d be able to do it alone. But this was clearly just as heavy, and terrifying, to Moony. Something that made him feel better about it all. He’d been grasping at straws lately. So annoyed and pissed off at himself but with no idea how to do anything about it. Maybe it was time. Maybe it would work. Sirius hoped more so for Moony’s sake than his own that it did. Moony deserved to see himself as the person he was instead of a monster. Maybe he might deserve to see himself the way Prongs and Moony saw him too. But that was getting a little too ahead of himself. He chuckled shortly at Moony’s comment about Prongs watching from the window. “Nah, he’s probably playing with your bunny while trying to pretend he doesn’t wanna be looking out the window,” he countered. Prongs was too nice to ignore the American. Or kick him out like he probably would have done. He smiled slightly at Moony’s addition to the plan thing. “Oh you know it’s gonna be annoying as fuck,” he agreed. But maybe it would work. Prongs plans weren’t terrible. The three of them had always been able to pull of some really great shit together. Maybe this would be their next big thing.