Jonny

35mm vibes

Pink.

Beauty doesn’t wash away

I really wish I didn't make these scenarios in my head and I just lived my life day to day. I'm tired of daydreaming hoping it becomes a reality.

I fear death. Okay, not my death, the death of someone close to me. For the longest time, I've felt like I won't be able to handle the death of a family member or a friend. I've dreaded it. I've thought of how weak I'll look, How unnatural it will feel. How sad I'll be. And then it hit me that it's just me being selfish. My mourning will be vast. My days will be filled with what could have been. The truth is I'll probably break down and cry like a baby. But I fear it won't be so simple. I fear I won't cry or let my emotions show. I fear that I'll be too strong. I fear that people will see me and see a heartless person who feels nothing. I fear my own inability to show emotion. I've know people who died recently. I've met them, hung out with them occasionally and even called some of them friends. It sucks when they died. I was sad. But I didn't cry. I didn't think of what could have been had they not died. I felt like it didn't make a difference that they died. It feels like I'm pretending to be sad. It feels like I say "I'm sorry for your loss" but I don't believe it. I hate this feeling. It makes me feel so heartless. Such an asshole that can't feel sad for someone passing. The truth is I do feel sad. But I feel horrible not being able to seem "genuinely" depressed at the death of someone. But the biggest fear I have is losing someone close to me and not knowing how to react...maybe that's what it feels like to lose someone close to you. Maybe that's what it means to mourn.

I will start posting some of my #photography here.

Bro?

Hehe.

Teehee