Mother Rispty Jesse Eisenberg

Aries: "Do it you sorry sack of shit... sorry that didn't come out as encouraging as I wanted it to."

Taurus: "Caught a big ole' case of the fuck you's."

Gemini: "If there's two things I'm down with, it's hating tomatoes and the sickness."

Leo: "I think that was the first time you've said 'fuck you' to me, and I can't believe it's over Twitter."

Cancer: "We’re like two penises in a pod. That’s the saying, right?"

Virgo: "Hold on, I'm clearing my google search term of 'echidna penis' and replacing it with 'Bowie pressure lyrics.'"

Libra: "That's what I say to ladies sometimes- I really satisfy. REALLY, REALLY. I'm packed with peanuts."

Scorpio: "The stakes are so high, dude. If we fail, I'll be forced to go to. Uh. To. Um. The fridge and get myself a sandwich."

Sagittarius: "You may not recognize me because I was wearing sunglasses. I wrote an internet song about dinosaurs and lasers in 2010."

Capricorn: "I’d fist fight literally any penguin you put in front of me."

Aquarius: "I have a specific set of skills and they all involve masturbating."