THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE

Life has been hell this past week and I've been wanting to inflict pain on others to make myself feel better, but I realized this isn't right.  I need for a way to get rid of this pain and anger. I want to be healthier emotionally.  

This weekend was particularly hard on me. I thought things were looking up but seeing Dennis at the Christmas party last night really pissed me off. He was happy and everyone was talking to him, even though everyone knows he helped put an end to my relationship.

How the fuck is everyone expecting me to act? Am I just supposed to paint a smile on my face and pretend I’m happy to see him? Fuck my life. I really don’t know what I did to deserve this. This isn’t even a regular breakup! I have to see them happy and shit when I’m dying inside.

This made me think of my life and how difficult it is. My friends don't seem like friends when I need them the most. I had so many suicidal thoughts this morning, thinking about the different ways I could just end all the pain in my life. I haven't felt like this before. I've always thought that people who've committed suicide are idiots but now I have an understanding of where they're coming from. I feel like I don't have anyone, even when friends say they're there for me their actions say otherwise. I don't know what to do. I haven't felt so weak and helpless in my life.

I feel like I have 3 options: meet someone new, leave the city for good, or just end all my pain. I spend my time online trying to meet someone... Just trying to make a connection, just trying to fill the void in my life. I have to wait another year to move so I can finish up my MBA so I can't leave yet. I don't want to explore option #3.

Looking back, one of the biggest problems in our relationship was how I and Pat both interpreted silence.  When we would have a fight, he would say one thing to argue his point then get quiet. I on the other hand would try and continue to prove my point and when he still didn’t respond I accepted that as him agreeing with me.

Was this really stupid? Of course my biased opinion would think this isn’t the case. If he stopped talking then what else would that mean? That he didn’t care about what we were arguing about anymore? That he realized he was wrong?  That he was trying to avoid a fight and expect the issue to magically disappear?  I don’t know. I’ve been criticized heavily before for having expectations of him that were unreasonable since I was expecting him to read my mind.  If I didn’t interpret silence in agreement, then what would I be doing? Pointing out that I was wrong and he was right? Being accused of trying to start a fight? I really wanted to figure out our issues but he really didn’t want to deal with them.

I daydreamed at work today thinking that maybe just maybe I went extremely paranoid and Pat wasn’t really cheating on me. There’s too much evidence to ignore:

- He admitted to thinking Dennis was attractive

- at summer of sound they parties together all night together and didn't party with the group of friends he went there with

- Dennis texted him “come cuddle with me” when Pat slept over at his place after a night of partying. Pat just said that Dennis was being his weird self

- As opposed to working out with me, he wanted to start working out with Dennis in downtown.  This would mean that he would drive to work or use a park and ride (car + bus scenario) instead of carpooling with me.  We used to work out together at the U of M and seeing that this decision affected me, making the choice to switch to GoodLife without me and completely altering his transportation to help "a friend" get into working out seemed like he was bending over backwards (figuratively and possibly literally) 

- He deleted a text from Dennis when I asked to see it. His excuse was that I said I don't like it when he shares our problems with our friends. Two problems with this logic: Dennis isn't a close friend of mine. He didn't delete messages from other friends he was discussing our problems with. 

- Last text I got from him said “I’m not saying his feelings towards aren’t growing”

- Last time we talked I said “you have feelings for Dennis” to which he replied “I don’t even know if those feelings are being reciprocated”

- I texted Dennis asking for help on how to get back with Pat and he replied "...sorry I'm really not the best person to talk to about this."  which conflicted with what Pat said about all those homos encouraging them to stick together

I'm still very hurt to this day that Pat used our problems to grow closer to Dennis. I don't think it was a conscious and strategic decision, but more so a "feels good so I'll keep on doing it" situation.  

Saturday evening was great. Robbie, Lindsay and I went to a social and although we didn’t win anything, we went to Phuong and Jessica’s place and had a lot of fun playing some drinking games and screwing light bulbs.  It was the first time in a long time I was happy without Pat.  It was great to know my friends were there for me.

Then last night I was supposed to go to Phuong and Jessica’s place for some wine and a movie.  I found out though that Dennis, Joe and company would be coming over that evening as well. I didn’t know if this included Pat but I didn’t want to know because it would just make me angry if he did.  He had told me that he wouldn’t see my friends until I was over the breakup.  It’s been less than a month and definitely not over it.

A part of me wants to find out, but another part of me doesn’t.  I think he did because I really don’t expect him to keep his end of the deal since he’ll always find a reason to justify it.  I guess I’ve come to expect less and less from him since I’ve known him.  

I’m going to hang out with an old friend after work. I haven’t actually come out to her but she knows about me through mutual friends. She told me to invite my “good friend” for dinner, thinking that Pat and I are still together. I will need to rehash what happened once again. Not sure if I’ll be angry or ok afterwards.