Later Days

can someone please find that pic of Jenny slate wearing that shirt that says world’s smallest pussy PLEASE

THIS IS THE WORST THING

me, late 20s, discovering i love to cook, and have neck pain: holy shit i’m going to turn into a person who does yoga

me, buying paper napkins and eyebanging a herb garden: i’m having an identity crisis 

me: *reaches automatically for coaster, catches sight of my reflection in my newly purchased wine glasses that were on sale*: i don’t know who you are anymore

“i’m not a fan of embellishments on throw pillows, they tend to snag” I say, and gasp in horror at what I’ve become

“Did you know they make odorized garbage bags now?” I say without flinching,  the sclerae of my eyes as black and ashen as my soul

i had the funniest fucking dream i was hanging out with michael jackson and someone asked him what his pronouns were and he said “he/hee!” and i woke up crying

some of you have never had a customer service job and it shows

Co-napping is a beautiful thing. Knock out with me so I know it’s real