People are always going on about how Angel was grooming Buffy (he wasn't) because he was turned into a vampire when he was 26 (he's 241) and she was 16 when they started dating, 17 when they slept together, and that his behaviour toward her was predatory and abusive. (it wasn't).
"grooming refers to a calculated, intentional process where an individual builds a relationship of trust and emotional connection with a target (usually a child, teenager, or vulnerable adult) to manipulate, exploit, or abuse them later."
Yet no one ever talks about how Sp*ke’s behaviour toward Buffy IS what grooming actually is, by definition.
He inserts himself into her life and the lives of her friends and family after suddenly deciding that he's in love with her (violently obsessed with her) based on a wet dream that he has, and after Buffy repeatedly rejects him and tells him to leave her alone, which he does not accept or respect.
He tries to do "good deeds", not for the sake of being good, but to impress and gain her attention.
He repeatedly tries to manipulate her into believing that she came back wrong and isn’t human.
He repeatedly tries to isolate her from her friends and family by telling her that she belongs in the dark with him, that he’s the only one who understands and supports her.
He preys on and exploits her vulnerable state of mind, self loathing and depression for his own gain so he can keep having sex with her.
Buffy actively hides the relationship from her friends and family.
He’s also over a hundred years older than her when he starts stalking her, breaking into her home and stealing her underwear, makes a robot in her likeness to have sex with, repeatedly touches her inappropriately without her consent, and start a sexual relationship with her when she's severely depressed and self harming, when she’s 20/21.
He was turned into a vampire when he was older than Angel as a human.
And people will say "well he didn't have a soul when he did this!!" while in the same breathe saying that soulless Spike respected, understood, and loved Buffy more than anyone else. So which is it? If he's capable of choosing to be "good" without a soul, then why did he choose to abuse Buffy? To murder, rape, and torture, thousands, if not millions of people? To try to rape Buffy? Why did he even need the soul then? You can't have it both ways, sorry. Buffy was never involved romantically or sexually with a soulless Angel. Buffy was involved sexually with a soulless Spike ONLY.
So, I'm not sure why Angel's relationship with Buffy is considered grooming, when his intentions were never to manipulate, exploit or abuse her. His behaviours toward Buffy never involved manipulation, exploitation or abuse. Their relationship is always framed as a star crossed lovers situation. Two lonely people that come from different worlds and have the weight of the world on their shoulders, who find a deep connection and comfort with each other, despite their differences. Who are brought together (and kept apart) by destiny and duty and curses. Buffy is always in the relationship willingly, she never hides the relationship from her family and friends because it is not predatory and Angel is an ally to her and her mission. Angel respects her boundaries, actively tries to ensure that SHE is sure about their relationship and the next steps in their relationship, removes himself when he realizes that he's holding her back, and continues to care for and help her even after they break up. There is quite literally never a time where Angel puts himself and his own needs above Buffy's.
Is there a large age gap? Yes. But within the context of this world, the age gap is fantastically large. Angel is a centuries old vampire and Buffy is a vampire slayer. Real world standards do not apply to this situation because there is no real life equivalent to these two people. They are two supernatural beings in a supernatural world. A large age gap, in this case centuries large, does not automatically mean that grooming is involved.
Is there a power imbalance? Yes, kinda. Angel HAS lived several lifetimes and has a lot more experience than Buffy. But he doesn't use this to coerce or exploit Buffy. They are, generally, on the same level emotionally and mentally, as he has spent 150 years as a soulless vampire, was then re-ensouled and spent nearly 100 years aimlessly wandered the earth with little to no human connection or interaction. On the other hand, Buffy has this immense calling and responsibility to protect the world against the forces of evil, willingly went to her death at 16 and came back to life, and has to make decisions that most adults aren't ever asked to make. So while yes, she is naive in some ways, she is also more aware and in control of her own power than most people alive in the world, because she can't afford not to be. Both Buffy and Angel understand this. That's why they are draw to each other. No one had to manipulate or exploit anyone into this relationship because they see each other for the unique individuals that they are and they equally choose to be with each other.
Is their relationship perfect? No, because this is both of their first time being truly in love, they are both deeply traumatized individuals, and although they make mistakes in their relationship, they are always just honestly trying their best. The fact that he's a 241 year old vampire and she's a 16/17/18 year old vampire slayer, is an obstacle that they cannot fix but that's not the only thing that defines them and god damn are they trying their best.
and mind you, one last point. I don't think that Buffy completely lacks agency in her relationship with Sp*ke. That would be reductive to her story, and their relationship also exists within the narrative of a supernatural world between two supernatural beings and is more nuanced than that.
I just find it really dishonest when people claim that Angel groomed her because she was 16, 17 and 18 when they were together, and are constantly outraged and beating this dead horse, while completely ignoring or even being okay with the textbook grooming and abuse that Sp*ke put her through when she was 20 and 21.
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