Please talk about the mummy returns
pristinepastel said: Hey, i know you like the first mummy, but what about the mummy returns?
I HAVE RETURNEDâŚafter like a day.Â
but what the people want, the people get!
RIGHT SO THE MUMMY RETURNS!
aka the only sequel that is 1000% just as good as the first one. like holy shit.Â
ten years later and we meet our heroes again. rick and evie are happily married, going on adventures, and evieâs dream of becoming a respected scholar has come true and theyâve made a tiny human!Â
the only unrealistic part being that they only had one kid, i mean they are still all over each other ten years later and youâre telling me they only had ONE kid.
okay. sure jan.Â
but boy oâ boy is that one kid awesome!Â
alex oâconnell. this kid is literally:
50% evie super-klutz-genius.Â
50% rick screams-at-things-that-are-illogical-to-scream-at.Â
50% uncle jonathanâs sheer dumb luck and wit.Â
10% iâm really bad at math.Â
you get the point. HEâS GREAT. also the actor passed on harry potter because, JUST LIKE ME, the mummy 1999 was his favorite movie and he just HAD to be in the sequel. alex is just such a smart-ass little shit. that much like his mother, accidentally brings about the apocalypse by opening something he shouldnât have:
ARDETH BAY TIME LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. he has a much bigger role in this one. GOD BLESS. (because he was supposed to die in the first one, but test audiences loved him as much as we do, so they kept his fine ass around) he still looks prettier than everyone and is still so done with white people once again.Â
*after almost being killed on he bus* âthis was my first bus ride.â*after realizing theyâre gonna make him fly again*Â âwhy canât you people ever keep your feet on the ground?â
heâs just such an awesome A+ friend goals, because while he probably needs to go be with other medjai to prepare for battle against anubisâ army (yikes), he stays with the fam to rescue alex. it wasnât even much of a thought for him really, rick and evie just batted their eyelashes and he was like: *sighs* âthese white people are always messing my shit up, but they are my white people.â
jonathan: still beautifully the same as ever. witty, clever, and would do anything for his family.Â
âbe quiet alex! if thereâs going to be any hysterics, theyâll come from me!â
âif you see anyone come running out screaming, itâs just me.â
when he boasts about being a good shot and ardeth is internally like âiâm gonna die.â THEN HE SAVES ARDETH. hell yeah.
rick: heâs still screaming at things. BUT IN DAD MODE. heâs the ultimate dad.
âyou, lighten up. you, big trouble. you, get in the car.â*sweetly* âhoney, what are you doing, these guys donât use doors.ââknowing my brother-in-law, he probably deserves whatever youâre about to do to him, but this is my house and i have certain rules about snakes and dismemberment.â
evie: still a super-klutz nerd, but with C O N F I D E N C E. little baby librarian is now a honey badger of ASK ME IF I GIVE A FUCK! and also a re-incarnated princess
âno harm ever came from opening a chest.â
rick: âi swear that kid gets more and more like you every day.âevelyn: âyou mean more attractive, sweet and devilishly charming?â
we meet izzy, another one of rickâs ex boyfriends, who is a much more reliable mode of transportation than previously mentioned murder buses.Â
imhotep: still emo. still wants to make out with his gf.
anck su namun/meela: hella good villain. she bomb af and 100% wants to take over the world. amazing. she actually has like a really cool role this time too!!! like so much screen time.Â
the rockâŚi mean the scorpion king, heâs another emo villain with goofy cgi rendering and like 4 million terrible made-for-TV spin off movies that you are lying if you havenât watched at least one of them and felt that utter disappointment. but who cares the rock is pretty. and this was his first acting role and the reason we have him where he is today.Â
thank you mummy returns for giving the world actor rock johnson #blessed
THE ROMANCE AGAIN:
normal action movie sequel romance: same guy. different girl. repeat of first movieâs romance. hehehehhehehehhEHEHEHEHHEHH.Â
not here bitch.Â
rick and evieâs love has only grown stronger. they still bicker like old ladies at bingo night. the still look at each other like they hung the moon. theyâre still disgusting jonathan because they CANNOT KEEP THEIR HANDS TO THEMSELVES. one kid my ass. they still support each other and protect each other like crazy. they love each other so much and itâs so healthy and pure and there is some good in this world mr. frodo.
the bottom line here is. whatâs the point of watching the mummy 1999 if you arenât going to watch the mummy returns immediately after?
JUST DO IT.














