M.L

Dear God,

am I innocent

from the things I've done before?

Will they understand

I had no intent?

No—

there’s no need for questioning.

We have no control

over what goes on.

I only had choices to make.

Will they see the truth

and believe me?

I don’t think I’ll lose control...

though they might think

I’m falling in.

I was born this way,

into his old hands.

They say it was only on command.

You had control over everything—

why weren’t you aware

of the angels

that lied to you and me?

Yeah,

I just needed a hand to hold.

Instead,

you gave a knife.

I held it up so tight,

standing between the earths.

Is He listening

like He did before?

I don’t think I can anymore.

You’re the judge

I pray to.

Still, I’m suffering.

Will they see the truth?

That the only truth

is that He’s standing

between You and I.

You and I.

There’s no constitution here.

So—

am I

innocent

to

You,

Dear God

Am I innocent to you?

How can you tell me how to live a life you never lived and that was never evens ment for you

His as real as one could ever be

part of the seven seas beyond me

Drinking tea under a tree

I see...

I see him standing tall in this winters fall

Wishing to call and have a ball

Yet

I stand here only for his to be

Wishing I could seize it all

The sun has risen

As if it's a mission

I needed them to listen

Yet here I'm in a prison

At school they think we're fools by following all their stupid rules.

Stand up straight and don't be late, they say.

Yet I don't fall for their bait.

Caged, caged, caged...

Home fills me with rage

So I don't engage

No

I stay in my room like a bird wishing to flee

A girl,

in a not-so-clean dress,

lost in the streets of doubt.

As she walks,

the public surrounds her

with questioning eyes and curiosity.

After a moment of silence,

someone says:

“Who are you?”

An old man, walking with a stick,

holding himself upright, replies:

“She’s a girl. A stranger that doesn’t belong.”

And again,

“Who are you?”

A lady at a fruit stand sneers:

“She’s nothing worth knowing.

Nothing but failure to offer.”

And again—

“Who are you?”

The children,

while playing, call out:

“She’s our friend.

She laughs and tells us about being grown.”

But still—

“Who are you?”

“She’s the future I was promised,”

claims a young man filled with lust.

But before the question could come again,

the girl interrupts:

“Stop questioning me.”

Yet still, they did.

Until a rather old woman

steps forward and says,

“I’ve been listening and listening,

but I still haven’t heard an answer.”

Tensed,

scared,

the girl looks at her and says:

“I’m sorry, ma’am…

but I’m Me.

Happy to just be.”

The crowd leans in—

quiet, waiting.

“But what do you want to be?”

they ask.

“What about your future?

Everyone has to be something… or someone.”

Stillness.

Silence.

The old woman smiles.

Leans in softly.

“Forget them,”

she whispers.

“They don’t know what you know.”

She touches the girl’s hand—

soft,

like memory.

“Go home.

Rest your mind.

This is just a dream.”

Then, her eyes glint—

gentle, tired,

knowing.

“I should know.

I had one too.

After all…”

“…you’re looking into the mirror.”

4 May 1974

I'm alone... again

Like really, really alone.

The kettle starts to sing and the kitchen seems to cling to me as if there's no one else living in this house.

My husband is late

Or

So he says, but we both know his with his mistress acting like it's faith.

So I'm alone. Sitting, wondering but never crying. Almost as if I knew this was going to be burning in me.

This life is a lie for mens pleasure and us women are the victims.

I wish to be free, out in the world just to be me.

But that just can't be.

So instead I'll write. I'll write to myself just like this. Alone in this kitchen secretly wishing to be free

And maybe one day, I will be.

I...

I had a mind of my own

I drew things I couldn't say

I drew in dark and cold

I knew things that couldn't comprehend and I had things I didn't know I had

I grew up knowing God and having people to trust and love like siblings and a mother and father and evens some friends

Yet

I still couldn't trust or love and be vulnerable to the world to see

So I hid behind the lies I've told and stories that were really untold

Broken

Weak

Scared

And secretly alone

He

He was the opposite of me

He could trust and love and show his true self without being ashamed or scared

He had to give and heart of gold

But

Between you and me

He didn't have anyone to give those things to nor anyone who'd take it for all

He didn't have a happy home nor did he know what's it like to have siblings or a mother and father

No

He was an only child unknown of who's his real family a father who left him and a mother he saw rarely

There was noone he could call to as his own

Although he had friends only one of them actually held value a friend he knew as a brother he never had

To be honest there was light but no means of the light to shine as bright

And I...

I was kinda jealous because he was strong and loyal and wasn't afraid of what might happen and he had things I thought I couldn't experience

No

Things I didn't think I was worth experiencing it

So when we met we were enemies who hated the idea of each other and had tormented each other even though I secretly loved it I didn't show it

Until one day in the library while in search of a good book had I accidentally overheard him with his friends talking about his feelings of love for me

Now his friends had luaghed and called him mad because we were to different to unalike to worlds apart but I...

I smiled at the thought of him

I smiled finally knowing that I wasn't mad or crazy for loving something that couldn't be mine as he felt the same way

I only smiled in that moment but my heart and brain was dancing to the love song I didn't know I was singing

As the year went on without any of us confessing our love I stood in the mirror as he gifted me with a small adoring necklace with the words gold can also be covered with diamonds so shine for me

A blush crept onto my face happy and joyful

I finally had someone I could love trust and not be afraid of letting him see the vulnerable little girl I was with failing grades and disappointment and yet instead of running away he held me in his arms warm and cozy and he stayed up late and got into trouble because we overstayed our time in the library with his head on my lap as I read my favorite poems to him

It was love and we both knew it yet as we grew close we were told we couldn't love each other after all I came from goodness and he from evil

So staying in my room hating that it was written in the stars for me to hate him I tear up knowing that I wouldn't be able to survive by doing as my destiny wanted me to do

Breaking down I stayed at home alone until a note from him came to my window opening it I saw my favorite poem with his love confession and I threw all the writings of the stars away making place for him in my heart

Smiling and dancing we became one in secret although it wasn't ideal I enjoyed it wearing a old pretty dress barefoot looking at him in a suit and cleaned up I smile taking his hand as we danced in the winters snow all alone making me fill up with butterflies smiling I leaned in and without another sign he kissed me as if that's all that needed to be said but weeks past and we end up on the opposite side seeing hurt in his eyes as we drew our sword finally an end I thought as he tears fell claiming no begging me to end him as he'd rather die by the hands of his love than live without it tearing up I shake my head because I finally had something I didn't have to share

Something I didn't need to hide from

But still he fought for evil and I fought for go so we stood on the battlefield sobbing as we fought our love

Until...

Before we knew it

Before I could comprehend what had happened with only but a smile on my face had we both stabbed our swords into each other

We smiled but we didn't smile because of what had happened or out of pure love no we smiled at each other because we knew even though we are dying because of each others hands right now we'd still chose each other to love in every lifetime every minute second and hour the earth had to offer

Even though the stars said to hate each other

I only loved him more

Because evens at the end of time

It's still only always him and I and noone not evens god could take that small little thing away from us

M.S to unknown I'm yet to meet him in this lifetime but I know his out there as my heart beats only for him my love with no name not yet at this instance

But I still love because that's what I need...

A leaf for me

A leaf for you

A leaf for tears

A leaf for fears

A leaf that's here and

A leaf that's sincere

A leaf for hope

A leaf to cope

A leaf in pain

A leaf in a lane

A leaf for empty souls and

A leaf for filled hole

A leaf for a heart I could not hold and

A leaf for the heart that I could not burn

A leaf on a tree one by one ...

I know you're no fool

You see it too

All the leaves I've listed

Are from a tree

That's built for me and you

It's... Dark

Too dark in here

I can't see and that indeed scares me

I try looking around and calling your name but all I get is silence.

Holding out my hands, trying to figure out where I am, I get a sense that I might not be here alone.

But I am. I'm so alone right now that evens hell took a step back to apologize .

I wanna go home. A place where I'm safe, comfy, happy and most importantly I'm me but the more I struggle the more it feels like that is just a dream and I've been pulled into reality. Somehow I fear that this is right, the darkness and lonelyness was always here holding me back. Like that home I was talking about is this dark place I'm not sure of where it is exactly.

I keep telling myself that there's a voice in the distant but deep down I know it's my own voice screaming, crying for help.

Yet the people who usually listen showed their true faces and suddenly no one's left to listen anymore.

Has it always been like this. So dark and alone. I mean was I really to blind to see that there was nothing all along and that I was just dreaming. And if I was just dreaming then why am I waking up now?

Huh?

Why now of all times. Did someone wake me up, did something find me in this utter darkness and pull me out of my dreams to see that I was being overly used and hurt. If so then where is it now. Why wake me knowing that you'd leave before looking into my eyes or evens saying hi I'm here too.

Instead it just left and now what?

What am I supposed to do now? Where do I go? How do I know if it's the right path if I can't see. I mean is this what God ment when he said we all have a path that he built perfectly for everyone to have their own one. If so then why is my dark? What did I do to end up having God give me his perfect path in darkness. What doesn't he want me to see.

Breathing in and letting go. I sit down, tired of it all, taking in reality and finally accepting it. Smiling, I smile to myself knowing that even if here's monsters in this darkness non of them can see my hurt, worry,pain, so I wipe my tears.

Finally I understand it all, why god made this path of reality for me so dark.

It's not because he hates me no, it's simply because he saw the things I didn't see and wanted to protect me evens if I'm the one ignoring him.

This darkness isn't here to hurt no, it's here to protect.

Who would've thought he darkness would be my savior.

I see myself but

Yet

It feels like I'm looking at a stranger.

I mean I know it's me standing there all bundled up and tired

But

Nothing's there

Not the scars I've been told about

Nor

The pain I felt deep down that it damaged my little innocent heart

They say pain makes you stronger

But

From the view I'm looking at

It seems like I'm just a little girl

And if I am this little girl standing tall in this mirror

Then why is pain supposed to make me stronger when all I need was milk and veggies to do so

The longer I look the harder it is for me to believe that the person I'm looking at is really me

It's as if I've never seen

myself

But

Somehow here I am...

No scare, no pain not even a slight cut

But that's impossible because I know who I am, I know what I look like and yet... I'm at a loss of words

Suddenly it made sense...

Nobody cared, nobody questioned, no understands

All because they didn't see it

They didn't see me bleeding out to them

No

They saw this little innocent girl I'm looking at right now from the mirror

They never saw me only the reflection of me