𝚖i𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚕𝚎 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𓇬𝚑𝚎 mud

Relapses Being a human.. i relapsed..after almost 5 years of continuous sobriety. why? in a nutshell i stopped being honest with myself and disconnected from my true self due to being triggered by my living environment into a trauma survival response state. i know that i need to live in an environment that is healthy and safe for me in order to thrive and that has been a lot harder than one would imagine it should be..My foundations of shelter and finances (basic needs) have been incredibly unstable and inconsistent due to my inconsistent functionality "in the real world". I have realized this past year that I am most likely autistic and that has been a lot to process and connect the dots with as well. i am coming to see more and more how my neurodivergence has been at the root of a lot of the challenges and difficulties I have had to navigate in this lifetime. being neurodivergent in a family structure that was broken, chaotic, and unsupportive had huge impacts on my nervous system which is what lead to the self medicating through substances in the first place. it gave me the only sense of freedom and safety i could find in the world around me-of course that was a false freedom in the end but following it to my death ultimately was my rebirth into a new life i could never have dreamed of. one where i felt good in my own skin and was capable of handling any situation that came my way with grace and intelligence, compassion and wisdom. one where i could look myself in the eye in the mirror and not feel estranged or disgusted by the reflection looking back at me. i relapsed because i failed to create safety and support for myself-i abandoned myself in my fear to run away from it and overcompensate externally rather than come up with a clear solution internally. Trauma trigger sent me chicken head cut off for months and months engaging in an unsustainable lifestyle to escape the unbearable pressure i felt and then eventually the stress became so great i literally had to drink alcohol-my nervous system was so hair trigger panicked all the time from being in constant survival mode. i created a monster out of something that could have gone much differently had i set myself up for success better from the beginning (preventative measures). i learned a lot from my relapse and i can see in retrospect how i contributed to the relapse and what i could have done differently. i used to fear loosing my sobriety date so i am kind of glad i lost it now because i realized that it doesn't actually matter-i don't actually loose anything at all in reality. all the effort and experiences i have had over the years still hold weight and nothing about me changed or became less worthy or good. I realized that all i ever really have, need, or want is the peace and fullness that this moment as my full being provides. all i have is my freewill in this moment to choose love and receive peace or to choose insanity and rejection of the Self. always one or the other, every moment, now. choosing love, choosing fear, choosing suffering, choosing freedom. the symbols of form matter not, the behaviors you express matter not- it is not about the what-it is about the how-the frequency and vibration of your being that is the juice. everything follows from that and is created thus.

"The mountains are whole and beautiful for one principal reason: they have been broken so often… It is the very breaking and jointing, the cracking and carving and breakdown, the weathering and scouring, that all together give rise to the countless forms of beauty — iridescent, miraculous, gift-giving, exultant — throughout the whole of the range." Steven Nightingale