I wanted to tell this to everyone in the past 4 years, but I didn't know how to place them in into words. So here goes, for a long time. A supremely long time, I always felt different/ostracized from and by my peers, they were always happier and more driven than I was. Some call it pessimistic, some called it early depression, but I’ll call this “lost”. My best friends at the time especially, already planned out their careers all the way down to a T. I of course didn’t. I was lost and couldn’t find my way around to figuring out my next X amount of years or so, with a forced sense of optimism I “focused for today”. I was doing fine for the most part; attended college classes, made some new friends, even met someone who I called the love of my life. Suddenly, waking up felt harder to do, paying attention in class became a struggle, even smiling which I never looked good at doing was a very complicated task. My insecurities of being alone and feeling lost were growing, even when I had people who I loved. They gave their heart to me, I felt I was annoying them, I became insecure because now I had more and more things I was worrying about. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about my problems, so I repressed them. I didn’t speak to people when I got random depressive episodes, I sometimes forgot to eat for hours at a time or days at a time. I stopped speaking to so many people to the point where resentment from others was apparent. My insecurities and depressive episodes had me to a point where I couldn’t feel the warmth of sunshine at all. I couldn’t even look some of my closest friends in the eyes anymore, I indirectly made people upset. Until the worst day happened, I get a call from said love, “It’s over, I don’t love you anymore.” My future was crumbling, no friends or love. For a long time, I kept asking myself why, only today do I realize that I shut my own doors and allowed my insecurities and repressed feelings of inner anguish get the best of me. My cross to bear, where some people would say there’s nothing to be sad about. This week will be my 4th month in complete solace. So I don’t expect forgiveness, I don’t expect nothing at all. Just do not make the same mistake I did, DON’T take your friends for granted, DON’T smother people with repressed emotions. One day you will get your “AHA moment” and you will feel like you’ve finally found yourself. Just to be a fool on the hill, with only your empire of dirt. I’m really and truly sorry that you had to sit through this long post. I just felt that it was easier to vent on one big post than to message someone who doesn’t want to talk to me to begin with.
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blakekathryn
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