i can never be knighted

Fortune Teller reading my palm: It just says “yikes.”

this post put a hex on my future grand children

my perfect crime? I memorize the entirety of the macy’s store inventory. I then go on aliexpress.com and find exact replicas of every single purse in the store. I break in at 3am, and replace every purse with a cheaper version of the purse. I take my real purses home and open up an online store on the darknet featuring fake purses. I then sell these real purses as fake purses, making it so that when the feds catch on to my antics, they spend countless years trying to figure out who can replicate purses this well, and who is selling them. Soon an entire division of the FBI is dedicated to finding me and figuring out how my “fake” purses appear to be real. 45 years later they finally trace my ip address and break into my villa in texas and shoot me right in the leg when i attempt to flee. While this would normally not be a fatal wound, due to my constant devotion to my online fake real purse storefront i have suffered an iron deficiency for 35 years. My blood can’t clot and I start to bleed out. Turns out the woman who shot me was a girl who i made out with once in college, and she holds my dying body in her arms and asks me how my fake purses were so real. I spend the last moments of my fleeting life telling her about how every five years i break into a different Macy’s and replace all the purses, and that the purses I have been selling online for a severely discounted price were actually all real, and I have been doing this purely for the gag of it all. When my former college girlfriend gets home from work after rightfully murdering me for my crimes, she goes into her walk in closet, looks at the 13 gucci purses she owns, and realizes that they’re all fakes.

this passed the bechdel test

skadoosh

The g in gmail stands for gay now

All our generation wants is a small apartment and a spouse that loves them back.

People look so different once you don’t care about them anymore

i never want to hear another thing about “ethnic-sounding names” from white folks when I just today checked a white guy out at the library and his name was literally “pelican”. twenty years ago a white couple popped out a child and decided to name their kid after the patron bird of the vore fetish. fuck you

fuck you for making me read the phrase “the patron bird of the vore fetish”

everyday i think about how frank sinatra tried using his mafia ties to kill woody allen and i wanna know who the fuck stopped him.

hey i used to b uglier believe it or not