Mind the HeadSpace

Two days back on my medication and I feel a world better. The doctor office is strangely dragging their feet in replying to my request for a refill. My pharmacy however gave me a few tablets to get me through. Only three tablets but better than nothing. Hopefully I'll get my full refill soon.

The weirdest thing is that now I'm back on my medicine, I can sing without my voice breaking up and being overwhelmed with the feeling I could cry. It's the weirdest thing.

Before: I'd sound like someone about to break down when they sing

My work got rid of our counselor program where I didn't have to pay out of pocket for it. The counselor, while not able to give out medicine or stuff like an actual therapist or doctor, was really helpful and I felt comfortable talking to her.

Now the new program is an Employee Assistance Program. It allows is 5 sessions free of charge with a therapist and then afterwards if you want to continue, they have to go through your insurance and charge a copay (possibly). I had to explain to the lady why I was calling as she helped set me up with information and when I get to choose my therapist, I'll have to go through and explain things again to them.

I don't like it. I hate having to constantly explain my issues. I just wanted my one counselor and be fine. Plus I did it before because it was free and I had no money to actually see a therapist normally.

My anxiety/depression medication ran out and getting a hold of my doctor for a refill has been a nightmare. Thankfully my aunt told me to contact the pharmacy and I put in the refill request there.

Being off the medication has honestly been terrible. I didn't do it willingly. The worst side effect is that I have horrible moments where I just will break down crying.

I'm at work just doing paperwork or walking into the back room. The feeling hits me and I feel like sobbing.

Driving home? Sudden crying

Listening to radio? Cry

Going to a convention today with one of my best friends from school.

She has her own mental issues and I have mine. Her mom is a complete angel of a woman.

The whole time we are getting ready to leave, my friend is slowly stressing and over thinking things. She is snapping at her mother and its bothering the fuck out of me.

My mom is down in florida and didn't/doesn't put forth the amount of care that her mother does. So hearing it stresses me to bits because this woman is like my second mother.

And my friend getting worked up so much over something small is getting me anxious. I grew up around people constantly getting mad and bad things happening. I don't want to have the day ruined because I'm overwhelmed by her reactions.

I'm stressed.

I got hurt on January 26th and fractured my ankle in two places. Had to get surgery done by the 30th same month. My boyfriend helped me at first but then never offered/tried to visit me or anything. I couldn't go anywhere on my own and could hardly move. I was home alone a lot of the time.

February was practically the same. But I was able to get out here and there with my best friend. I went and got a Valentine's day card since I was hoping I could still see my boyfriend and not feel as miserable.

He forgot it was Valentine's day. He didn't attempt to try to see me again or get a card or anything. A card wouldve been fine. Just to know he was thinking of me. But instead I got to spend the rest of the month limping around on my crutches in a cast that weighed too much, staring everyday at the roses on the table that one housemate gave to their significant other (also housemate).

Next thing I know, he is telling me how I don't make an effort to see him or seem to want to. How we are only a relationship in title. I was shocked and apologizing that I made him feel like that. But when I tried to see him either later the week or weekend when he was free, he dodged it. Never showed. He was too tired from working and had to help his grandparents with their pond in the middle of winter and oh its because of depression...

If he doesn't want to fucking date me then I wish he would tell me already and not make me feel like a failure at dating too. I've been miserable.

I've been out of work for a long time, getting by on little paychecks from work and then finally got my disability check. A majority of it went to paying medical bills. I have about 6,000 in medical debt now. I have two payment plans set for each month. Most small stuff got paid.

With tax season coming up, I was hopeful to finally have some money again. My injury took away my plans of a vacation and getting away. My recovery felt like a prison. Still does.

But I'm stupid. My family never gave me tips and advice on being an adult. All I knew was I need to file my taxes like everyone else and pay what I owe to a state.

(I live in one state but work in another)

Well stupid me filed it paper. And the state likes to take what you owe before giving you anything it owes you. So my disability was taken from my account and I'm left negative 580 in my account. I finally was cleared for work next week but the small paycheck I'm suppose to receive before then (damn two week pay) will not even get me back to 0 in my account. I have no money coming after that for two more weeks when I finally can get back. I'll be limited on hours. I can't walk without a boot or crutches. I still meed to pay one medical payment this month and what would I do for gas going to and from work? It's an hour both ways and I usually have to fill up 3 to 4 times over two weeks.

I also still have to pay my rent and utilities. Which my housemate no doubt is going to be so very pleased about it. Sarcasm.

But it was their driveway I fell in! They never once offered to help by maybe reducing the payment or something.

At the urging of my family they said I should look into their homeowners insurance. And the response I got basically said If I did it I would probably have to find a new place to live. I don't have any other place to go.

My mom is coming up to finally visit. She had said she would when I first got hurt. It's March 19th right now. I wanted to save what little I had to go with her to get a simple manicure. I've felt like trash for weeks but thought why not do it with mom and treat her since you fell through for mothers day? Well look now I'm a liar again. I'm a fuck up.

I know I can't. It isn't possible. I can't control how my parents act and feel. I can't control their personalities. I can't control my friends and if they get sick or not. I can't control the weather. I can't control nature.

I don't like it one bit. No doubt anyone would. It's a sad fact of life. And I hate it.

I cant let go of how I want things to be amd how they actually are.

It's now Christmas Eve Day.

1:24am exact.

My dad is still in the hospital but at least his arm has finally been fixed.

Mom is officially in Florida and doesn't pick up her phone until it fancies her to.

I've been freaking out. I can't focus sometimes, thinking about how far away she is and what could go wrong and what has been going wrong.

She had even lied at first about when she left. She said she was in PA. But she hadn't even left yet. She lied that they were at dinner then going back to the hotel to sleep. Nope. Still home. For a week. She didn't see me the whole time.

I've cried far too much lately. I've felt so sick. I shake. I lose focus. I cry off and on. But the show must go on so I have to suck it up and put in a smile.

The phrase "It is what it is has" has become too commonly said. I hate it. I never want to hear those words ever again in my life.

I'm so upset. I was invited to a friends house for christmas eve dinner but it hurts to be around other families. I shouldn't bother them. I'm afraid to be around them. I'm too miserable.

Christmas day I'm going to my best friends moms house. She is like family. I can imagine she is my mother. She does care about me. I can pretend it's my own family for the day and try to enjoy my time. But I'm so scared and sad to face the day. I feel like in the end it will let me down. I won't have a card or anything from dad or mom. It's going to depend on friends to allow me to join them for the holidays.

I'm just so sad. I know I need to just get over it. I'm so tired of having to give up. On giving up my hope of being close to my mom. I'm giving up hope of a healthy relationship with either parents.

Aka Day of Murphy's law.

Mom left for Florida. She promised to call and never did.

I drank and blacked out the previous night. Woke up at home and my things were scattered. No memory of leaving or arriving. Just a memory pocket of just already being here with my friend.

Car battery was dead and wouldn't jump. I'm frantic, calling for help for work and trying to get what little support I have left in the area. Aunt comes to my rescue. She can be relied upon.

But it has been hours. I was late for work. I called to let them know what was going on. Let them know I was trying to get in but to make sure we had back up in case. I called stores and found someone. Good. Coverage for the possible bad ending.

I'm an assistant manager. I was trying my best with what I knew. I thought it was making the right call. I never planned for any of it.

I alert main manager who wasn't work that day. Keep him informed because the regional would know too. Rather than any concern or any remark on the efforts I put through, he replies, "I'm not happy about this... We will discuss this later."

What.

What did I do wrong?

I'm trying my hardest to not fall apart completely this week. My mom left that day. My aunt walked in to the hospital a few days ago and doctors have said she will not walk out. She will not be able to return home. My family is separated and hurting and I'm trying so hard to play the part of "Happy Holidays" retail worker.

I have sick hours but am shamed if I use them. I've had a cold for a few weeks and it hurts my lungs. I'm asthmatic.

I make myself available when needed for others. I switch shifts with them, cover for others when an emergency happens for them.

Is he mad that I had asked a few days before for the manager on duty that day to switch with me so I could not worry about things and drive home at night. The other person at the time couldn't because of a school exam being unable to reschedule it. The main manager was off doing birthday activities with his son. I didn't do any of this on purpose and expected to miss work or skip out! I didn't want any of this to happen! I shook the whole day.

I'm scared about the discussion and what it may be. My anxiety has been so bad and I've been spiralling downwards with my mothers move. I had to request new medication from my doctor, I was feeling so unstable.

The board is wobbling right beneath my feet. I can't stop. I can't go back. Everything is already is motion.

My ears buzz sometimes in and out. I cry so much to make a flock of gulls. The board is wobbling.

Just a few days more. End of the week to be precise. Then I'll be over the board and into the water by then. I'll have no one to save me.

I cannot believe this.

6:49 2 missed calls from mom.

Call back at 9.

My mom tells me my dad called her and threatened to kill her. They've been divorced for more than like 13 years. She doesn't think of him, he cannot let things go. I'm immediately scared.

Dad calls at 12. He didn't do it. There are no call logs on house or cell. He was asleep 10 to 11. He takes Ambien to knock him out. Insists it isn't him. He even cancelled coming to town for a wake for his own friends father just to avoid trouble with any police or anything.

No idea who it was on the phone threatening to kill my mother. Was not me, was not my brother and apparently not my dad. I'm scared and confused.

My mother. A new state. Far from me. I'll be alone and I'm scared. She promises to keep in contact, to visit me, for me to visit her but when?? She lies a lot to appease. Told me once I could go back to visit my friends when he first moved. Never happened. She decides when but never decides. Maybe next time, maybe another time.

I'm so scared. I tell her so. I'm being dramatic. Why can't I be happy for her retirement and move? Why must I expect so much? Everything is fine and nothing will change. She won't ever apologize.