Mind Over Selfie - Healing Through Art

IS IT ALL BLACK AND WHITE

I celebrated my birthday a few days ago with a healthy lunch, my family and a photoshoot for myself. Oh! And a slice of chocolate cheesecake, of course! I also logged what I ate.

For the last several years I’ve rebelled against anything that restricted me. I was trying to learn balance but the rebel came out of me instead. Logging used to be a tool for restricting myself and lead to more punishments on days I was “bad”. So I started avoiding it thinking I would learn balance. A few days before my Birthday, I chose to start logging my food again. I’d love to tell you it was based 100% off of the fact I need to log my food so I can make sure I’m eating adequately for my HEALTH - nurturing myself. My body has become extremely sensitive and reactive to under-eating. I think that says a lot about how I’ve treated it over the years, but that’s another topic for another day. Logging my food isn’t about restricting myself anymore; it’s about self-care.

Though that is all true, there’s another side of me that is also doing it to lose weight. For me personally, if my calories drop too low I will stop losing. But if I log my food I can make sure I get enough calories. The benefits are improved sleep, support my hormones, which then supports my hair and other body functions AND help me lose fat. Self-care is a priority but there is still that lingering, “I need to lose weight” element. So maybe my intentions aren’t exactly 100% on health, but maybe more like 80/20 health/fat loss?  

If it can’t be all black and white then my mind starts wandering. Is my goal weight loss or to be healthy? Are these 2 things the same? Yes AND no? Weight loss shows my body is acting more in favor of eating healthy and adequately. Less inflammation, less resistance, stoked metabolism, hormone balance, etc? Should weight loss even be part of the equation then and more of a side effect that you would gladly take but really don’t have to have? Maybe there is no right or wrong answer? Maybe there is no black and white, but I should also include the greys. Maybe there is no “wrong”. Maybe I don’t have to definitively answer these questions at all, maybe they can remain as questions.

MAYBE the answer is, “I’m allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress.” (quote by Sophia Bush) I’m learning a lot but this is going to take some time. Expecting myself to learn it and apply it all overnight is not realistic. Maybe adding the grey areas to the black and white thinking is the balance I seek.

Photo by OWN Boudoir Photography Body acceptance, body love, body positive - whatever you want to call it - has nothing to do with giving up on health. It has nothing to do with promoting obesity. And actually, I don’t think it really has to do with the body more than it does the mind. 

There is a difference between nurturing and punishing. What is healthy about punishing yourself to be thin and fit? I’ve lived that life. I can tell you as I learn to embrace where my body is now, I find I’m coming from a place of love rather than a place of hate. Self-discipline or self-control is becoming a thing of the past. When I come from a place of love my choices reflect that in my ability to nurture myself. Making healthy decisions feels natural - effortless - for the first time in my life. 

I used to get upset when I missed a workout because it made me “weak” or “pathetic”. Though I told myself it was because I loved being strong. Which is true, but that’s not the biggest reason I was doing what I was doing. I really was caught up in thinking punishing myself to be fit was the answer to finally loving myself. Imagine the pure disgust when I was a size 4 and still felt the same.

Those same punishments I was so proud of landed me with metabolic damage - adrenal fatigue, hypothyroid, goiter, and pretty severe hormonal imbalances. Somewhere in the middle of getting fit I passed right on by “healthy”. My blood pressure began to rise again, as I noticed physical differences in my nails, energy, sleep, mood, hair, skin. Shit, my whole quality of LIFE was spiraling downward. I had injury after injury. Those were my battle scars I was also proud of. They should have been a red flag. Yet, I was thin and fit! 

WASH AWAY THE PAIN  Photo Credit: Tara McKinney  When I first had the idea to shoot myself as a personal project to heal a broken body image I wasn’t sure what I was expecting or what was going to happen. I know I was/am curious to see if healing can happen from the outside in. Since it’s an internal struggle I’m a bit skeptical. How can you heal from the outside in if you need to heal from the inside out? Seems a little backwards, but something was drawing me to do this. So I did. .

The day I got my triggers I was super excited to begin my project. What photographer doesn’t love new toys?! Overly anxious, I jumped in front of the camera - no makeup, sick, obviously not prepared. I just chose a window, set my triggers and shot.

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Triggers were definitely being fired! I had a moment of freak out when I saw the images. I liked my hair… that’s all I could manage to like. I took a step back. Reminded myself to be gentle this was after all “not about my body” and freaking out won’t help me figure it out any better.

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I took some time to calm myself and refocus. I shifted my focus to an ebook I had downloaded from Jessi Kneeland - Body Image Alchemy : Why You’re Still Failing to Love Yourself, and 6 Ways to Level Up. She suggests anytime you’re body triggers a negative reaction there’s always a deeper emotion and story behind it. She advises taking a second to identify what these emotions are by writing 3 of them down. Then pick the one that is the strongest for you. The more you do this the more you will see patterns.

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My emotions triggered went something like this…

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"He will want someone else. My personality is so strong if I don’t keep my looks up he will leave me for a softer more feminine woman with quieter and calmer personality traits. I’m too much to handle and I need to keep his interest alive."

"I’m not enough just like I am.”

Mind you, my husband has never given me any reason to think this. So where is the story coming from? I’m not sure it matters where it’s coming from more than it matters to change the story I’m telling myself.

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Without sharing these emotions with my husband I asked him, “what is one personality trait you love the most about me?”

He replied, “strong.”

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God this man! He’s always fully supporting me, encouraging me and loving me unconditionally. His love is what I seek for myself, from myself.

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So, this all brings me back to what I’m discovering from the images I’m shooting of myself. I am surprisingly finding that yes, body image MIGHT be healed through imagery IF I take the time to identify the triggers of each photo and address the emotions I’m feeling below the surface. The other interesting thing I’m noticing is that I am able to look at myself with far less judgement when I’m creating art with myself. Much like when I shoot anyone else. I am beginning to see what it looks like to look at myself with loving eyes vs. loathing eyes. I know this will take a lot more time to unfold, but I can begin to feel the fog lift.

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1. Body hair is normal. Lack of body hair is also normal. Hair on your arms, hair on your legs, on your face, on your butt, on your thighs, hair anywhere is normal. If you have it you can shave it. But you don't have to. And don't ever let anyone tell you you do.

2. Sex is natural. Lots of people like sex. And there’s nothing wrong with liking it. Don't let anyone shame you for liking it. But that doesn't mean you have to like it. It’s okay to say no too. It’s okay to not want sex. You can decide when you're ready. And if you're never ready, that’s okay too. And if you're ready before people think you “should” be ready, screw them (literally, if you want to).

3. Everyone has fat and pudge and rolls. You can be fat and still be healthy. You can be thin and still be healthy. You don't have to be healthy if you don't want to be healthy. And your weight doesn't determine your worth.

4. Marriage is optional.

5. Don't hit girls. Or boys. Or anyone. Unless they're trying to hurt you. Then have at that motherfucker.

6. Loving yourself is an essential part of loving someone else.

7. Everything in this world can be unisex if you want it to be.

8. You are allowed to change anything about yourself whenever you want to.

9. Sex means different things to different people. You're allowed to make it mean whatever you want to make it mean.

10. Good, honest communication is the key to everything.

11. Masturbating is normal. Not masturbating is also normal.

12. It's okay to cut negative people out of your life. You are not obligated to anyone.

13. Doing a bad thing does not make you a bad person. We all have flaws.

14. You are allowed to do with your body whatever you want -- and to present it in anyway that you would like.

15. It's okay to not be happy sometimes. You are entitled to your emotions.

16. There is ALWAYS more to learn.

I'm still discovering a lot and trying to let it happen organically. The idea of this personal body image project through imagery came to me as I took a step back from boudoir photography and began questioning my own self image issues. I've seen the power of photography and art. So it only makes sense for me to explore this tool for myself. I was so honored this beautiful woman allowed me to photograph her and include her in this project as well! Queen of tub shoots herself, @jessicapmontgomery I may be including more women in this project. But for now I'm going to be the one stepping in front of the camera in hopes of learning and healing. Feel free to follow me if you're interested in sharing this journey with me as I learn how "the body has nothing to do with body image" and everything else I learn along the way. 

Photo Tara McKinney 

Photo credit: @ownboudoir

I asked my husband, "If there were one thing you wanted me to know that I didn't already know or you thought I didn't know, what would it be?"

He replied, "You're perfect."

In that moment I knew it was time for me to really work through these emotions. What in the fuck is he seeing!?

I've been fighting my weight for most of my life. Because with weight loss comes true self-love. But that was not the end result after I lost 110 lbs. (Before gaining most of it back) So what the fuck am I missing?

"Body image has nothing to do with your body." These recent words have me diving a little deeper to find true acceptance. These words have me seeing a little clearer.

As a photographer, I have dabbled in boudoir photography to help other women see their own beauty and empower them in a way photography has the power to do. I knew I was doing it for them, but I was also doing it for me. I thought by helping other women it would indirectly help myself. I was wrong.

I decided to put myself behind my own camera and begin working from the outside in. Today begins my journey to question my beliefs, to learn and share what I discover and work towards self-love. This isn't for men's attention. I have my man. And what an amazing guy he is!! This is for myself and anyone else that wants to learn with me.