under the surface

the sky is a lot bluer tonight. its not its usual midnight black-blue shade. and i dont know why, but for some reason i feel like theres some type of significance behind this.

last night i smoked my first cigarette since 2014...

i dont think ill ever be completely content with my life

One thing I learned is that you don't have to do anything wrong for someone to leave you. That's just life. And I'm sorry I have to do that to you.

im always one foot in and one foot out. i guess its just because i wanna be safe. i always need to feel a sense of security to know ill be alright in the end. i dont like committing to something because nothing is ever guaranteed. having something means it can be taken away from you. so i hold back. if its meant to be then it will happen. and if it falls apart, then ill always have something to fall back on.

youd think a person would remember something like that. guess i was the only one that thought it was important.

a nigga that doesnt appreciate your matching underwear doesnt deserve you

i just really need someone to vent to right now. but i just dont think i can talk to anyone about this like that anymore.

i should have taken the ship date in june. i just want to leave. i just want to be away now. i want to end my life here and start my new one. and i feel like shit because i care so much about what ill be leaving behind but its so impossible. everything seems so impossible right now. i just want to be taken away right now. that way i wouldnt have to deal with this and say it was just bad timing, just like everything else that didnt go right in this fucking life.

God is so cruel. How is he gonna give me the perfect person, only to take her away from me?

always stuck somewhere between wanting to start my entire life over or wanting to end it completely

i think too much im not good enough for anyone im incapable of loving properly im too complicated my mind is fucked up

i still fucking care and its pathetic because you dont