Grave Dimensions

I did it. I told HR and NM my argument for this role being classified as a director of my own department. And just like Barbie, I’m going to get shunted into the bottom of another department. NM did chuckle knowingly when I admitted that obviously other departments are going to bid for me because “the reflection will shine on anyone standing next to this spotlight”. Not even dropping the news of the side project proposal by the CEO is going to stop this, though I understand a bit more of the rivalries playing out in the rest of the team. The CEO favors another director and argued I align with her, but NM dug in her heels. October 1, my project is someone else’s.

I’m not done fighting. I own this entire project. I argued for a new office, my preferred name on my email, and expanded paid staffing and no volunteers greater than 5 people. No more dumpster fires for Kim to solve.

She had the nerve to tell me her only feedback for me was I keep pivoting. Because she keeps adding more to my plate. The system is working as I designed it and revisions are being done at the scheduled, forecasted time and only due to the cascade trigger of her requests.

It’s hard to stomach the hubris in action.

She documented my boundaries and said she’s going to email me in a few weeks to see if I hold to them.

How the hell do you think I got you to these conclusions. I’ve been writing this narrative every step of the way and you’re the last one to realize that you haven’t been my champion. They wanted to scrap the project because you couldn’t macro manage. One set of footprints here, Love.

But sure, 3% raise is going to keep me.

I’ve been super anxious this week. I’m going to stay home instead of doing a new workout. My brain can’t deal with nonstop novelty. Y’all just look at my puppies.

I’m writing my self evaluation explicitly stating what my role is regardless of the title. It’s about respect. I have a meeting with NM regarding the $1500 check I received for the company and learned my budget is still fucked up. But more importantly, with the way they’ve fractioned our pay cycle and with an monthly arrearage they could easily increase my salary 30% on paper and they will never actually pay that out in a calendar year. Hell, it wouldn’t even get me get to my current gross salary.

Do you know where your kid’s anxiety over adulting is?

Mine is in my bed crying because they spent all their money going on tubing trips, concerts and a week long trip for a friend’s birthday and only now accepts that financial aid will not pay for a 4th year of community college.

Honorable mention to right nipple that decided “we” were cold while sweating our ass off in Zumba. The instructor thought I was having a medical emergency when I gripped my chest like I was ready to join Elizabeth.

Managed to not completely embarrass myself at work.

Am I a petty bitch for emailing the entire company that I’m covering the front desk?

I would agree to that if they didn’t expect to be notified when I leave my office unattended. (NM actually Teams messaged me this morning to see if I was in while she’s in California. It begs the question of what kinda foolishness did she get up to before this was role?).

What I don’t show is my skin peeling around my nose and mouth from the swelling. My head still feels like a ripe melon.

This month has been more beneficial than I expected. I’m aware that I’m “different” during active (painful) attacks, but the whole process of visualizing my prodrome symptoms has made this one a lot easier than it could’ve been.

I’m not saying I’ve found the right treatment to prevent these attacks, but I was able to stave off the pain for 56 days by noticing my strange gait and speech issues. The desire to wear comfortable, familiar clothes is warning. Don’t even get me started on my moods! Your girl is messy! 😅

Granted I’ve been out of it since Thursday morning. I still managed to recognize my need for sick time without rationalizing it. I felt manageable enough to do a half day in office on Friday. I left my intern to man my office, which would be a ghost town anyway. Might have rebounded sooner if I hadn’t done that. NM’s not even here, nor is she traditionally 9-5, yet, I don’t need her feeling any kind of way that I’m taking advantage of— she’s so green it’s painful. Sick time is for these issues. I have 117 hours because I insisted on suffering last year.

The headache portion finally found me. I put in for sick time, messaged my boss and emailed the staff before 7:30 to call out. Don’t know why I bothered, the rest of team was at a board member retreat before flying to San Diego until Tuesday. They never even read them.

Update: I met my Peruvian intern. (Did she say he was Parisian or did I mishear?).

Really smart. Close to my kids ages. Of course, I’m going to worry about him having no car and this Hell Hole getting frigid.

I spent far too much time fretting over my outfit today. I was prepared for a meeting with NM to discuss a strategic proposal. My neck was broadcasting another attack. My meeting was canceled before I even left the house. I should have called out sick.

So I spent my morning updating my resume to apply for a new position elsewhere. My drab little office is feeling more like a pound, I really should focus on leaving. My naproxen kicked my headache to the curb and I felt clear headed. So I did leave.

I work a couple of miles from the Botanical Gardens. I managed a 1.6 miles with a few minor stumbles. The migraine may not hurt, but my balance is still off. I needed to smell fresh, things for my lunch hour.

And thanks to intense corn sweat (the field for the maze was pumping some humidity) I was drenched through and through. 🫠 I did get a nice compliment on it from a lady at the farm stand, but by that point I looked like I had been washing the car in front of the prison yard.