mind manifested

And the blood rushes to my skin's surface,

My mind fills with the darkness again.

Is it me?

Is it my fault?

Am I causing these circumstances?

Why do I mess everything up?

I'd be better off leaving...

...

My depressed self gets confused as to what I should leave.

The situation?

The room?

Or this earth?

...

There it is again.

That thought.

The darkest one that shatters me to the core.

The one that scares me.

It's so scary because I know I'm capable.

I wish I weren't.

I wish I weren't at all.

...

I bet you're wondering how this ends.

Me too.

But what keeps me here is hope.

Hope that tomorrow will be better.

Hope that someone notices.

Hope that something changes.

I'll keep hoping and dodging the darkness.

Because tears stop flowing and dry.

Blood retreats from the surface.

It's been so long since I've felt a release from the grief bottled up in me. It's like a constant hum in the background that goes silent once you become used to it. But then there are moments where something causes you to remember it's presence. The hum becomes a roar and before I know it tears are silently streaming from my eyes. My breath is chopped and my heart physically hurts.

It never goes away because missing someone keeps the memories there. I dont want to lose them too. And even though my heart aches and I'm overwhelmed with grief; I'm also enveloped in their memories. It becomes one of the only ways of being with them. I miss them terribly.

The weight of the world is heavy.

My feet feel sunken into the ground.

My brain has flooded it's levee.

Everything's so loud, I hear no sound.

Welcome to adulthood.

.

They say there's endless possibilities.

I'm terrified to choose the wrong choice.

I'm bound by financial responsibilities.

No experience, no chance, no voice.

Welcome to adulthood.

.

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

I have little patience for dating.

It feels like competing and that's not me.

I want true love, but I'm tired of waiting.

Welcome to adulthood.

.

My dream is to make a difference.

I've no idea what I'm doing or if I'm ready.

Everything I try to do creates resistance.

The weight of the world is just so heavy.

Welcome to adulthood.

.

I will get it someday.

I am sure life will be good.

Then to younger me's I can say,

Where you're numb one minute, then the next you can't breathe.

There is a buzzing in your ears.

You feel your mouth pull down at the corners.

Your eyes close almost like a dam holding back the tears.

Your heart aches as your stomach compresses with the sobs.

Your lip begins to quiver right before you catch your breath again.

Your lungs grasp for air, while your soul grasps for this to be a dream.

Your eyes open and they are swollen, hollow, and red.

Your cheeks are tight from the tear stains.

Your whole body feels heavy and empty.

This is what grief resembles in physical form...

Something that no longer looks like yourself...

Weak, hurt, heart-broken, and sad.

This afternoon, he broke up with me. It had to be over the phone because of distance, but the pain is all the same. We both cried and I am still having trouble holding it together.

The reason behind it is because he isn't ready to be in a relationship right now in his life, he's got so much that he wants to do and so much that takes focus. He didn't have the time to put forth in a relationship currently because he knew it wasn't enough and I deserved more than that.

He also said that he hasn't been single for a very long time and hasn't had the opportunity to find himself and only have to answer for himself. I get that, I've been in the same boat. And he is wanting to be a little selfish and to put himself first for a while.

He did say that he wants to give me to world and that I am perfect for him, but he's rather break this off now with the possibility in the future than to wait and let the bitterness and resentment grow between us. He can tell that he's been pushing me away and that I deserve more than that, staying with me makes him feel like a bad boyfriend.

I told him that when he was ready to be with someone again, to hit me up first, to at least give me the opportunity. He said he would and that he does not want to look for someone or be with anyone anytime soon. This all comes back to our awful timing together.

I just know that I love him so very much, more than I thought possible. I want to be with him so very badly, but I can't make someone love me or want to be with me. So for now I will be selfish too and find myself. If he happens to enter my life again, then we will most likely pick right back up because we really were perfect together.

Something is off.

I can't explain it.

The proof hasn't been found.

But it's there.

Gnawing,

Scratching,

Screaming from deep within.

I just know it.

I can feel it.

I sense it.

...

This is going to fail.

The feeling of tears trying to burn their way out.

This itch to yell and scream, to release the pain.

These dark ideations that I can't seem to forget.

The restraint I feel from hiding it from those I care about.

I'm not okay.

I'm not fine.

I'm in a dark place and I can't get out.

I'm waiting for someone to notice.

I'm hoping someone will speak up.

I pray to feel better, but it's still unanswered.

I'm a shell of myself.

Maybe it's grief.

Maybe it's regret.

Maybe it's depression.

...

At what point do you drawn the line?

When is enough enough?

For me, I have had that moment.

And my body told me before my brain.

Hello, my name is Whitney and I am a workaholic. I want to succeed at my job, and by that I want to do better than just the minimum. That being said, I have worked through my lunches, not taken breaks, stayed after day after day for at least an hour, sometimes longer. When I get home from work, I spend more of my time typing from home to catch up. It's gotten so bad that I haven't even done anything for myself in so long...

So today when I was pulling out my laptop to work, I could immediately feel my heart beating faster. My breathing got shallow, and a lump was forming in my throat. All I could feel was panic, and I have had anxiety attacks from this job already. I closed my eyes trying to take a deep breath when it hit me how hard that was for me. I opened my eyes and was close to tears.... All from work...

I usually don't feel that way towards things. I'm a very go with the flow person, but this job has changed that about me.

I am so tired all the time, I'm constantly stressed, I'm emotionally raw and snapping at others, and I am just done.

When you're to the point of contemplating putting in your two weeks regularly, it's time you spoke up about your feelings. And I will tomorrow. I'm tired of feeling like I'm drowning.

But really I'm broken. I'm hurt. I'm lost. I'm worried. I'm aching. I'm sick. I'm weak. I'm struggling. I'm confused. I'm angry. I'm betrayed. I'm empty. I'm terrified...