Shouting into the void

two things this time, but let's start with the story one first.

i've been preparing this ending for like a month before even getting to this point. it is an absolute joy to see to conclusion just one of the endings!!! im quite happy with how each chapter before has lent a stepping stone to Hornet's character growth in this one. but perhaps the writing could be a bit stronger to ensure that the idea come through (which, objectively speaking, i dont think it is :( ). But well, there's 2 more endings for me to improve!!

the other thing still is irl stuff. it's frustrating and discouraging. i do understand that writing right now helps me through like an emotional support outlet. but it's hard just having an idea in my head while the irl stuff destroy me .-. i dont know if this is relevant to writing at all, perhaps something along the line of work-life balance or compartmentalization, or make sure you take care of yourself. but well i guess it's just undeserved rant.

so......after i said ill probably write something smutty for a human media (as opposed to bugs in Silksong lol), i actually wrote this one as an experiment with my writing skills. my biggest hurdle right now seems to be the use of less than formal, polite language or euphemism. it may stem from personal biases, but i think the issue is ive kept writing "sex scenes to move the plot forward" instead of "sex is the point of the scene". the former requires some character growth or certain action or outcome is achieved so that the reader don't feel like they just read filler. but that means putting eloquent, flowery language that i prefer in the same sentence as "ass", "vagina", "breast". Not that the latter is crass or anything, im no puritan bs, but it creates a kind of whiplash that goes from exploring the emotional depth of losing one's husband to having it up the ass over one period. guess it's something i either need to solve, figuring out the balance between "what i want when i read lit erotica" and "what i want when i read fiction", or just separate them.

another gimmick i manage to experiment this time is putting the POV side by side in the same chapter. Mariko in one column, John in the other. How each of these characters approached the scene was in no way intended to be gendered, but rather based on (what i think is) how they approach life in-character. but firstly, i must admit that part of me does give Mariko more room to explore her emotion (there's also more here to explore compared to) whereas John gets the focus on sex. im quite pleased with how it turns out for Mariko, but still feel lackluster on the john's part. he gets the more frank language yet i realize it is my writing skill that prevents me from writing his part more, porny? appealing?

So......

When I was writing chapter 4, I thought about how originally I wanted to write something explicit, raunchy, dare I say smut even. But honestly the different physiology (between bug and human body you know) which means to be faithful to the language of the world might mean to not use human terms to describe the act, and the fact that writing about something so private and intimate of these characters (albeit fictional) whom not just me but a lot of people holds in dear regards, means I cannot really try to write anything explicit. I found myself coating the description with flowery language, a lot of implying and hinting rather than using direct words. And I'm not sure what kind of effect this style of writing on such a sensual subject will have.

But then again, for chapter 5, I guess I go all out? Assuming Hornet's POV is a lot easier than using Eva's POV to describe the feelings of both Eva and Hornet during such act. But also, I realized another issue with my "setting the plot" is I did want to be serious with this fic. In the "sex is not the main draw, but a device to move the story forward" way, like how a musical should use music in the same way and not as filler. Which is (in my opinion), in direct conflict with what this genre is about. I assume sex is the main feature for this genre, whereas this fic dodges writing directly about sex, or at least using sex as a literary device. Realizing this kind of help me reframe how I can be more "explicit", or to be more precise, more steamy with the fic, but still able to not completely disregard the tone of the fic so far.

honestly, I have a hard time trying to write to fruition the Hornet-Sentinel plotline. It feels like there is so much philosophy and musing that needs to be done in the story for these two, as they try to share an understanding, one for Hornet about her own issue, and the other for Sentinel for its own. But by writing through this chapter, it really does help me realize that sometimes writing story is different from real life. Whereas I have seen stories where the "moment" arrives, where characters have a talk that seemingly unblock all of their obstacles and they suddenly know the answer to life, real life itself is a lot more messy. Myself has gone through a lot of "talks" in real life with even people I love and care about, all seemingly have profound realization yet none deliver that be-all-end-all solution. For a long time, I cannot come up with that "talk" that will solve everything for these characters, and I thought that it was a failure of writing.

So in a way, this chapter is a revelation for me too. as hard as it is to suddenly have the talk that reveals all the answer to life, even in real life, such answer bears repeating, reminding, reassuring, so that we take it in, from comprehending the words, to embracing the emotion behind it, to eventually realizing a different reality that comes from believing that these answers are real.

it feels like a rambling, but to be honest, this is a sharing of something personal i went through. my loved one, brilliant as she is, came from a place that made her feel she is not loved for a long time. right from the get go, i have told her i love her. we have that talk once, where i explained everything like the end-of-a-Hallmark-movie conversation. but, it takes us 7 years now, 7 years worth of "i love you" conversation to assure her that i do, in fact, love her, that she is loved, and that whatever feelings or past that makes her feel she doesn't deserve love is in fact, no longer her current reality.

it took me only a few hours to write the chapter, which only speaks to the kind of trouble in my personal life that delays me from writing this chapter, or writing anything at all since the beginning of this month. i really feel like a fraud because right before this hiatus i just posted about offering writing commission, hoping to be more active not only in the fandom space but also as a writer. and then i went off disappearing without even posting an update.

like i know probably no one on this platform cares about me right now, i haven't earned that yet. but it feels like such a vote of confidence against myself that i cannot even follow through with what i hope i can do. feels like a gut punch. and that's not even touching on the irl trouble for which, well, i life badly. i life very badly.

but writing this chapter and posting it has really helped me regain a little bit of comfort. Silksong helps me through a rough part of my life, and to revisit this world is to be reminded that my own trouble can be dealt with. the world goes on. not that i means i will be left behind, but that it will still be there when i come back.

such an amazing come back to learn that Sea of Sorrow is announced for example!