I Am The Somebody Wrong On The Internet

Shrugging, Yelena stood up and toggled the comm the three of them were wearing and said, “You good, Minty?”

“Pretty good, all in all,” Mint said, though she was starting to breathe heavier from the exertion. “I got the chip, so we can go anytime.”

“And security?” Vic asked as she tapped board on the table paying for their drinks.

“Gimmie a millisec and I’ll lose them.”

“Are you going to Slip? You know what happens when you do that outside of the ship.”

“It’ll be fiiiiine Vicky, don’t worry.”

“That’s what makes me worry, Minty. Be careful.”

Vic and Yelena made their way back towards their ship, Kiss of Summer, taking a leisurely stroll along the station’s wide promenade. Dressed in her ever present bolero jacket, Vic looked every be the roguish captain she was trying to be. Yelena's tank top and comfortable pants were a stark contrast to Vic's sharp outfit. Neither of them were able to pull of the effortless beauty that Mint had. She collected all the attention wherever they went, but they were also able to use that to their benefit.

It hadn’t been Vic’s plan to become petty criminals and smugglers, but courier work had dried up almost completely. The development of the slipcomm meant that FTL communications was just as simple as FTL travel now. There just weren’t enough legitimate jobs available to keep Kiss fueled and the larder full. They were decent at it though, and hardly ever got caught.

By the time they arrived, Mint was leaning against the airlock door, smiling widely, even though her hair was mussed slightly and her face was shining with exertion. “Told ya I’d lose them,” She said.

“I never doubted you for a second, Minty,” Yelena said with a smile. “But we probably shouldn’t hang around.”

“No need, they’re very busy calling for extra reinforcements and scouring the wrong end of the station.”

“What have I told you about using your abilities when not connected to the ship?”

“Like I told Vic, it was fine. I know my own body, Yel.” She said as she crossed her arms.

“We can argue about how she got away when we’ve escaped ourselves. You did get it, right?” Vic asked as they made their way inside. She jumped into the pilots seat and disconnected them from the station in one smooth motion.

“Course I did,” Mint said as she settled into the navigators station to Vic’s left. She reached between her cleavage and pulled out a small flat chip, no more than 7cm long.”

“Ew, don’t keep things in your bra,” Yelena said, sitting down at the engineering station. “Especially if you’re all sweaty.”

“Hey, maybe they’ll pay extra for that, I know plenty of models who have a side hustle in fluids.” Mint said, tossing it over to Yelena, who caught it and put it into a shirt pocket.

“Don’t be crass, Minty.” Vic said as she watched the radar, checking for security coming out to give chase.

“It’s not crass, it’s business,” She said firmly. “Don’t be a prude.”

“I’m not being a prude, I don’t want to give Jimmy a sweaty chip!”

“And I’m saying he might like it.”

“Ladies,” Yelena said finally. “We’ve got incoming. Looks like three runabouts, probably station security.”

“Armed?” Vic said, all joking gone from her voice as she started flipping switches and warming up their weapons.

“Lightly.” Yelena admitted. “Maybe a missile, maybe some light blasters.”

The thunder-crack of a blaster striking the hull disagreed with Yelena’s assessment.

“Light blasters?” Mint said as she leaned her chair back and cables snaked around her, connecting her to the ship so that she could navigate. “Those don’t sound light to me.”

“Medium then,” Yelena said as she brought up her own screens. “Vic, what do you want to do? Fight or run?”

“Minty, how long until you have a nav solution?” Vic asked.

“Two minutes, not one second more,” Mint’s voice stopped coming from her body and was now coming in over the ships’ comm. While navigating, the place where Mint ended and Kiss of Summer began was blurry. In the background, Yel could feel the subsonic thrum of the slipdrive spinning up as Mint coaxed it into existence again.

“If it’s only two minutes, then I don’t think we need to get into a pitched battle,” Vic said as she pulled on the yoke and the ship started to dodge the bolts from security. “Yel, give them just a taste and see if they back off.”

“Aye.” Besides engineering, Yelena was also the weapons officer - unofficially of course, as they were not allowed any kind of weapons aboard, especially not the capital ship class heavy laser that was carefully concealed in a ventral hatch. Yel pulled on a lever that was built into her chair and they felt the ship clank and whirr as an emitter half as long as the ship slid into view.

As soon as the heavy laser stuck out and was visible, two of the three security runabouts broke off and streaked back towards the station, with the last wavering a bit before firing again.

“Well?” Yel asked, not looking up from her screen. “Whipping it out caused two of the three to bolt, but we still have one chasing us. Want me to fire?”

“Ugh,” Vic said. “Every time we fire that thing I feel tingly for two hours after. Mint, how close are we to slipspace?”

“Millisec,” Mint said over the PA. Vic could feel the edges of her vision start to soften as they moved into slipspace, where navigators could carry ships through the unreal to their new destinations. Things became pastel colored and hazy, like a fog rolling in. There was a feeling like softly being turned inside out and-

“Okay, we’re real again.” Mint said as the slipdrive spun down and faded back to the unreal. Every time they existed slipspace Vic felt like she was going to puke. Something about becoming real again really did a number on her stomach. Vic had no idea how it worked, and if pressed Mint wasn’t entirely sure, but the slipdrive didn’t work - didn’t exist really - until a navigator willed it into reality, and once it was here they could use it to travel across the galaxy.

It was going to be a day before they arrived at the drop point, so once the course was set and the ship put on autopilot, they adjourned for dinner.

It was Vic’s turn to cook and she bustled in the tiny kitchenette while Mint and Yelena sat, eyeing each other nervously.

“It won’t be as bad as when she made Gizmar Surprise, right?” Mint asked.

“It can’t be. That was a war crime. We should have gotten medals of honor for being in the same room as it.” Yelena leaned out and tried to see what Vic was doing. “It’ll be fine,” She said, unconvinced.

Eventually Vic came out carrying a steaming tray. On it were three plates of some kind of grain containing what Yelena was pretty sure were vegetables and a sauce. “Where did you get this recipe?” She asked.

“Oh, I found on the package of grain and it looked good.” Vic said as she handed out the plates. “Plus, it’s vegetarian, so it’s cheap.”

Closing her eyes, Mint took a bite, and after a few seconds swallowed thickly. “It’s uh-”

“It’s edible?” Yelena said as she swallowed her own bite and kept her face carefully neutral.

“I don’t know if I’d go that far,” Mint said as she eyed the plate, her pale skin taking on the same green pallor as her hair.

“Come on, it can’t be that bad,” Vic said as she took a bite herself. She chewed thoughtfully a moment, swallowed, and put her fork down. “I’ll go get three meal bars.”

Once dinner was disposed of, the three of them took turns with the shower. After, Mint sat on the edge of the bed wrapped in a towel as Vic combed her hair, its vibrant green color darkened to a deep leaf green while wet. Vic had always worn her boring brown hair clipped short and did not hide her jealousy for Mint’s luxurious hair.

“I still can’t believe you conned Vic into doing this every night this week.” Yelena said, looking up from her pad while lounging on the bed.

“It wasn’t a con, I just asked nicely.” Mint said, her head still. “I can be very persuasive.”

“Yeah, I know how you ‘persuaded’ Vic,” Yelena said, smiling. “She never had a chance.”

“It would have worked on your too,” Mint said as Vic started braiding her hair.

“That’s entirely besides the point.”

Yelena and Mint had been together for years before they signed on with Vic; if she had wanted to hire one, Yelena told her, the other was required. Fortunately Yelena was an excellent engineer, and they all worked well together. Mint being a navigator was unexpected. Normally navigators signed on with the big corporations or governments and took huge Altliners though slipspace brining tens of thousands of people at a time to their destinations. A ship as tiny as Kiss having a Navigator and a slipdrive was beyond rare.

Vic braided Mint’s hair once it was combed, and when she was done, Mint stood, the towel slipping just enough to make Vic think she was teasing her. “Thanks Vicky!” She said brightly, touching her braid.

“Anytime, Minty.” Vic said and stretched. “But, it’s time to head to bed I think, we have to be up early for the exchange.”

“Aw, you’re no fun,” Mint pouted.

****

The ringing off the comm was the thing that finally woke Vic up. Untangling herself carefully from Mint and Yel’s limbs, she padded towards the cockpit. Yawning, she sat and activated the comm, remembering at the last minute to set it to audio only.

“Kiss of Summer, Captain Victoria Wellfleet,” She said.

“Where the hell are you Vic? The exchange is in an hour.” Jimmy said as his image appeared on the comm. He was a bit older than Vic, his hair as short as his beard. “Have you even docked yet? Why are you audio only?”

Vic took a quick scan of their surroundings. Kiss had docked automatically while they slept - she had prepaid for the berth, so at least they had that going.

“We’ve docked Jimmy, we’ll make it.” Vic said as she stretched and yawned again. “Sorry; we overslept.”

“Hmmm.” Jimmy said, sounding unconvinced. “Don’t be late.”

When she returned to the bedroom with three mugs of caff Mint and Yel were up and pulling clothes on. “Jimmy woke me up, we’re on in an hour.” Vic said as she handed them the mugs.

“Well you had better put some clothes on then,” Yelena said as she took the mug. “You kept the call with Jimmy audio only right?”

“Either that or changed him for the cam show,” Mint said as she pulled her shorts up.

“It was audio only,” Vic said, “I’ll toss some clothes on and we’ll head out.”

As it turned out, they were a full five minutes early. Weaving around the morning crowd of tourists and locals, they entered the coffee shop that Jimmy specified and found him sullenly sitting at table, staring at his pad. Mint slid into the seat next to him, startling him. “Hey there Jimmy!” She said, brightly.

“You can’t say we’re late, we’re exactly on time,” Vic said as she sat across from him. Yelena took up station opposite Mint, and signaled to the barbot. It rolled over and she ordered coffee - real coffee, not caff - for everyone.

“Treemother protect us, don’t any of you know how to be subtle?” Jimmy hissed.

“Nope! I missed that class,” Mint said.

“Do you want it or not?” Yelena said, raising an eyebrow.

“Not even any small talk? Is this your first time or something?”

“Is it yours?” Vic countered. “You’re the one sitting here all alone in a coffee shop looking shifty.”

“I was reading!” Jimmy protested.

“Looking pretty shifty,” Mint agreed.

Jimmy opened his mouth to protest, but then sighed and took the coffee that the barbot just brought. “Fine. Now that you three rays of sunshine are here, we’re a regular party.”

“Hell yeah!” Mint said, grinning. “Now I’m interested.”

“You know what? Fuck this. You three are too wild. I’m out, no deal.”

Jimmy put his palms on the table to stand, but before he could rise out of his seat Yelena had a blaster poking him in the thigh under the table, and Mint had a blade on his other thigh.

“Now now Jimmy,” Vic said, her voice smooth and velvety. “You weren’t thinking of backing out on our deal and not paying us, were you?”

“Because if you were,” Yelena added, “We could just kill you, take the money, and sell the chip to someone else.”

Vic could see the beads of sweat on Jimmy’s brow as his thoughts raced. He reached into his jacked and Yelena and Mint both stiffened. “Easy ladies,” He said as he placed a currency chit on the table. “Twenty thousand as agreed. Now, where is my chip.”

Vic took out the chip and laid it next to the chit. Both of them reached out at the same time and took the thing they were after. Vic slotted the chit and verified the money was there, and was in a usable state.

“Counting the money while I’m still here is gauche, Vic,” He said.

“Better to be gauche than shorted, Jimmy,” Vic said as she removed the chit and placed it in a pocket. “You’ve already shown us you’re willing to screw the deal. We’re done here, don’t think we won’t mention this to Malcolm either.”

Jimmy’s face blanched when Vic mentioned his boss and local crime lord Malcolm Winters. Malcolm was known to have…strong opinions on people not following through with agreements. Opinions that have on occasion ended with an all expenses paid trip through the atmosphere without a pressure suit.

Yel and Mint withdrew their weapons and hid them. Jimmy rose slowly and seeing that they did not attack him, stood. “Regardless of what you think of me, you did complete the task, on time and without…very much attention.” He said as Mint winced at the mention of her not perfect theft. “My benefactors have a use for people who are skilled.”

“That’s good to know,” Vic said as she stood as well, signaling Yel and Mint to rise. “But I don’t think we’ll be taking any contracts from you or your benefactors for a bit.”

Jimmy smiled thinly as he took out a card - a real paper card - and tossed it to Vic, who caught it in the air. "If you ever change your mind, head to "The Leaky Spacesuit" over on the spinward arm and show that card to the bouncer. If nothing else, you'll get to drink for free. Think about it." Without turning to look at them, he walked out and disappeared into the crowd.

“What was his problem?” Yelena asked.

“He’s just mad that he can’t handle how cool we are,” Mint said as she blew on her coffee to cool it.

With nothing better to do, the group finished their coffee and decided to see about spending their newfound cash on something. Rounding a corner near the main fountain three men dressed in sharp black suits stepped into view. “Victoria Welfleet, Mint Summerbreeze, and Yelena Kuzmina?” The man on the right said. They wore very dark visors over their eyes; Vic couldn’t tell where they were looking.

Before Vic or Yelena could do anything, Mint’s head tipped back and her mouth opened in a wordless scream. At the same time, the world started to lose focus, become pastel colored and blurry. The scraps and trash around them started to rise against the gravity of the station and Vic felt the familiar gauzy feeling of entering slipspace. “Mint, w-what are you doing? What’s going on?” Vic said, trying to choke down panic.

“Minty, no! Not without a ship,” Yelena yelled as she lunged towards her, but before she could move, a gauntleted hand grabbed her shoulder squeezing enough to make the blood run out of her face. Behind them were two people wearing completely black armored pressure suits, with visors obscuring their faces.