Whatever You Want Me To Be.

Does your heart hurt?

Did you even grieve?

Because I do. I did. And I will for awhile.

I think that it’s over. I think that I’m healed and then something comes a long and I’m not.

Summer is hard for me. We made such big decisions together.

We moved to Florida, we moved to Arizona, we moved back our own new homes.

I think about how I have only been home roughly a year now. And I think it’s a little insane to think you just had your year with her.

I knew when I met her, she was your person. Your energy together was so strong. And honestly, you are meant for each other.

However, why did it have to happen like this?

Why am I still upset about it?

Why do I still have a little panic attack when I see a car that looks like yours?

I feel like I have slacked in my self healing.

I feel, betrayed? Used? I don’t know. Unwell.

I just want to know when it is my turn. I know it’s coming. I can feel it. I’m so tired of feeling lonely and empty.

I want to be spoiled. I want to be cared for. I want to be able to do the same for them.

I want my own place. I want to live way from everyone. I want to be more extroverted.

I can’t always remember my dreams, but lately I wake up every morning in sweat. I’ve never been like this before. It’s more and more lately.

It’s like my mind refuses to let it go. Why do I keep trying to comprehend this when it doesn’t matter?

Does it really matter when the first time was? Does it matter how they are feeling now? Is it helping?

I’m fucking tired. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m so exhausted. I just want to be me. I want to run away. I want to just restart and I have no idea how or where to go.

I don’t know what to do with myself, my career, me.

I never feel loved. I crave being held as badly as I hate it.